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Just wondering about fear


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#1 Guy1298

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Posted 19 January 2017 - 06:29 PM

Mostly I'm wondering how people's experiences of fear on trips compare. 

 

I tripped with a friend not so long ago. Because of a bad setting (which I knew was bad immediately, but tripped anyway), I spent the entire time up and down with panic. Not really bad, but close to the sort of fears you don't want to have. It's one of those trips that make you feel like your new born into the world afterwards. 

 

It's very hard to explain. But, I remember afterwards trying to explain to the person I was with. The smile you have is deep as though the person you're talking to knows everything. Something in your mind has almost made the person you're speaking to into the sort of "spirit" or "god" that you have apparently been connecting with, as though he has been with you and sees your life as you do. But, regardless, he has been in an entire different place. Somehow the "bad" setting didn't play a part in his trip, and he doesn't understand.

 

I find it remarkable that he was unaffected by the bad setting. I'd say that fear is a definite hurdle in almost everyone of my trips. I think the fear is what makes it worth doing. If I'm not approaching something really fearful, I don't think things are right; If I'm not moving through them, cautiously. But the problem is that this fear is the hard sort of fear. The fear of being tortured, being killed, etc. Things that are hard to conceive otherwise. It isn't something physically scary, the monster is a proposition of death and pain or death and pain for everything else, endlessly, a destruction of morality and supposed goodness. And what is more fearful, the supposition that all of it is necessary!

 

Though, it isn't necessary. But, the world can occasionally take on a character as though it was telling you that you have no choice. It tricks you and speaks directly to you. It says that it is necessary. It's a difficult thing for sure. 

 

What I wonder is what is the nature of your fear during a trip?  


Edited by Guy1298, 19 January 2017 - 06:34 PM.

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#2 August West

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Posted 20 January 2017 - 12:13 AM

I know this "answer" is kind of a cop-out but these are two very good scenes for expressing my own experiences - not literally of course but with regard to my reading of their presentations...

[Direct Link]

 

and

 

[Direct Link]

(I find this to be one of the most disturbing and relatable scenes in Thompson's novel. Of course, it requires contextualizing it through my own experiences but...is it ever any other way when trying to describe something?)


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#3 HankoDelicious

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Posted 20 January 2017 - 01:10 AM

I know the type o fear you are talking about. 

 

The type of fear that makes you feel like a lost little kid that has got absolutely no idea what to do. 

 

I also experience a sense of fear in nearly all trips, especially the 'going up' stage of the journey. 

 

Of course it's not nice to experience fear but I also see it as an essential part of the journey. It most certainly has a profound effect on me and leaves me virtually fearless in my real life (fearless in the sense of people and getting through in life, Im still shit scared of spiders).

 

It definitely makes me a stronger person and instills in me a deeper compassion and understanding for other people, their feelings and nature. 

 

It is an interesting topic and I'd really like to hear more about your and other people's experiences. 



#4 Coopdog

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Posted 20 January 2017 - 04:55 AM

I am afraid every damn time. It's like cliff diving in the dark. You buy the ticket you take the ride and there is no going back once you jump in. I ride that fear like a wave and somehow get through it. I usually groove through my trips even though it is scary coming up. I think cactus is the scariest one. You have to go through all that trouble to prep, then wait until the time is right, then choke your way through it into the bliss of it all. When you go through all of that and don't get much of anything other than that, well that is scary. Then when you prep a moderate dose and get your ass handed to you instead that can be scary too. It all has to do with overthinking it and worrying about the maybe this or that will happen. Usually all is well. lol. Fears happen from not living in the now in my opinion. A false emotion resulting from what if's that effects us none the less.

 

 Peace...


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#5 Alder Logs

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Posted 20 January 2017 - 12:05 PM

My first acid trip scared the shit out of me.   I had the help of some asshole drunks who stopped by (they were looking for my guide person, whom I had chosen as someone to trip with the first time, as he was the most experienced tripper I knew).  When these people found out that it was my first time on acid, they, they started having their fun by fucking with my mind, telling me how high I was, and when I started freaking out, pouring it on a little more.   My guide was just sitting over there in his own groove until I looked to him and said, "tell them to leave me alone."  He came out of his groove and jumped on their asses for what they were doing and told them to get the fuck out.   I don't remember very much of what else came up in that trip, it being 46 years ago.    But, I do remember this, I had an experience of so much beauty that I just had to have more of it, and so I bought up all the acid I could get my hands on in the next week or so.

 

The trips all had the fear factor, and this I felt I had to understand.   I had a favorite place I went to on some moonless overcast nights.  It was an abandoned dead end road that went back into the woods and eventually was choked in by young alder trees, which start out as a thicket where there is any open ground.  Here, the abandoned road was that open ground.    So, I drove in as far in (or out) as I could get, got out of the car, and in the headlights, I would collect some small dry twigs and build a tiny little fire.  I would turn out the headlights and sit down by my fire, tripping balls, and let the fire burn out.   In the increasing darkness, with the forest sounds all around, everything in sight would slowly disappear, leaving only the activity of the visual cortex to fill my seeing, with unknown sounds there to feed my imagination.  

 

The fear from being enveloped in the unseen unknown would grow as the last tiny embers were dimming out.  Then, without even those red glows to anchor my sight, with all becoming blackness, the fear would rise to where it was unbearable and I would crawl to the car door and turn the lights back on.   Then I would rebuild my little fire and do it all again.   I believe this repetition taught me in a deep way that those fears were made of nothing except imagination.   In future years, my tripping was more often done in daylight, especially on snow covered days, as in those days, there was so much beauty with the trees all decorated with Alex Grey moving trim.   But, there was one night trip in a fresh clearcut that was to have a long-lasting impression on me, which became half of the inspiration for that piece I wrote called, Clearcut Feelings, which you can find on this site by searching that title. 

 

Eventually, acid just seemed to be too tiring for my body to be worth it, as there seemed to be little new ground to be covered.   I just wasn't scared or wowed enough any longer.  I waited ten years between trips the last time and it wasn't long enough to get sufficient novelty of experience.  That last acid was probably thirty years ago.    Mushrooms did not seem to follow the same pattern, as it still offered something for me to learn from, and I continued with mushrooms, even having a peak seeing experience many years later, which was the second half of the two seeings that informed that piece of writing I mentioned above.  

 

So, for the fear component, I just had to know what that was, and so, pursued it until it seemed clear that these tripping fears were only of the mind.   In sober times, perhaps this had shown me that there are types of fears that have more or less substance, as these bear on keeping life in the body.    It does no good to confuse these different types of fear, as one kind serves a real purpose, and the other, not so much.   I thank acid for helping to show me this.


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#6 MrBiscuits

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Posted 03 February 2017 - 03:40 PM

I think, ultimately, I fear for the essence of my character.

It goes deep. Shallow. Far back. Near. In the moment. And in my metaphysical realm.

 

I think of things I said to people, very menial things that would very easily be considered small talk. I fear I may not have said what I could or should have. I think of small talks that I had that, in a sense, I poured my heart out. I fear I may have crossed the lines of comfort.

 

I think of my parents. My family. Any negative or reticent thought or feeling that I have toward them. I don't see my family much, even though they are in fairly close proximity. None of us do. We all love each other. But we are estranged.I even work with my brother. I don't 'see' him much. The more time I spend with him, the more criticisms and annoyances I have. I fear that the character of my feelings is somehow not good enough, even though I can logically justify all of those things. Sometimes I wish I could just muster up the willingness and defeat the awkwardness to just go fishing with my dad again. I haven't fished in 17 years.

 

I fear my logical brain. I get into nasty habits of being contrary to any matter of subject, just for the experience of thought and the considerations less-tapped. Whether I personally agree, disagree, or am ambivalent. For example, I can justly say I believe in eugenics - in the right logical context. Even racist eugenics...there are some obvious logical reasons that so many people are racist, it's just not ultimately logical or ethical. I can logically dismantle just about any thing that someone holds near their heart with pride. But, I can also logically justify the most materialistic or superficial aspect of importance to a person. I can appreciate anything and nothing simultaneously.  This leaves me with only very few, very resilient friends. No amount of appreciation could be considered enough for my girlfriend being able to put up with me.

 

I fear losing that. But then, I don't. It took losing everything I knew to be myself to be rebuilt to what my character is today.

 

I fear my ethics. My tendency towards nihilism. My bipolarism. Tetrapolarism, perhaps?

 

I fear me. But i love me equally.

 

I fear so many things, but it's rare that I fear mortality, I must say. And I fear that absence of consideration. Sometimes after watching too much murder mystery, I'll believe I see things with malicious intent out of open blinds in the night, that's surely frightening. The only thing I can say is that, I believe, fear means you're doing something right. Have you no fears, I must question the integrity of your person. Fear of death and harm to you or those around you? That's so purely instinctual, it's lovely. In fact, it's from the impulses of the structures of the basal ganglia - the "reptilian brain". If it affects you to the point of inability, only then would I have some concern. You are capable of controlling your own interpretation of even your innate impulses. You are the tiny gods and the skybeards alike. No one changes your life but you, and, simultaneously, everything makes an impression upon everything else.

 

These fears never quite leave me -sober, in intimacy, or under the persuasion of substance. Sometimes a proper drunk will quiet them. The interpretation of them while under psychedelic persuasion is certain a bit overwhelming, honestly, marijuana is the worst for putting me  awry. I think with hallucinogens like psilocybin, I have more of a tendency to be able to come to good terms with my fears...though, the intensity is certainly there, as with every stimulus!

 

But I think we need to live with our fears in order to see the other side.

 

It sure is nice to let that out, though, now I fear I've gotten a little verbose. But maybe it'll help someone.

 

Salud!



#7 MrBiscuits

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Posted 03 February 2017 - 03:58 PM

In addition, excuse me for going on, I might add something a little more relevant for all of us here, and maybe crucial for a wandering soul.

 

I used to have bad trips all the time - I was younger and certainly dumber, taking these lovely substances at the wrong times for the wrong reasons - these bad trips would get me to the point of hyperventilation and fearing my life was slipping away from me...I would legitimately fade. And I would have to walk myself through the steps of breathing, seeing, walking, knowing when I had to pee, every innate and complex behavior and action.

 

But, after a serious (over a year) period of non-substance-induced paranoid hallucination. I finally came to the realization that these were panic attacks. I panicked because I thought I was losing faculties of my body.

 

When the effects wore off, I grew substantially in my being, and I came to this realization, I finally decided to try hallucinogens again.

The same thing started to happen. But, with very simple, and to this day, profound, words, I thought to myself "It comes with your body." And I was finally able to let go.

I was finally able to, again, enjoy this part of life that I find to be so critically important. Ive not had a bad trip since, even on rather reckless doses.



#8 Alder Logs

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Posted 03 February 2017 - 05:27 PM

As TVCasualty has mentioned, there potentially can be a dangerous middle ground between a low dose and a high dose.   Our interpretations, if you ask me, lack the genuine here-ness of the experience's real time immersion.   Is it possible you have not achieved escape velocity, still have a component of the personality sitting there in its judgmental character, pulling up all sorts of personal story to second guess you with?   I have seen myself passing through such states, crying about imagined shortcomings and oversights, but gone beyond these to the peak experiences that changed my outlook in the end.   To me, when I used to trip (I'm turning 70 this month), I had to get over a hump where it became just the happening, and the body/mind component was not really part of the subject anymore.  

 

My best results have been alone and in silent darkness, as for the set and setting.  I lived remotely so that any interruptions were unlikely.  At any rate, crazy wild fear has been less hard on me while maxed out of my mind, than those personal regret stories that can be manufactured under those halfway-there doses. 






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