Paradox
©
Fisana

Jump to content


Photo
* * * * * 1 votes

4g mushroom trip


  • Please log in to reply
17 replies to this topic

#1 Guy1298

Guy1298

    Mycophage

  • Free Member
  • 357 posts

Posted 25 February 2017 - 02:13 PM

Hi, I'll try to write this up as well as I remember it. 

 

Recently, I've fallen in love with a nice girl. A nice girl that is just as crazy as I am and understands all the crazy things I say. 

 

So last night, we went to the bar and drank a bit. Throughout the night, I felt subtly rejected. We had a nice time, but as usual feeling this sort of initial love for someone has a way of bringing you back to every childhood insecurity. A drug, that doesn't let you think straight. 

 

In any case, I felt this sense of rejection. And decided I would take a 4g trip to get a better view of things. It was a high dosage for me at the moment in not the most secure place. I imagine my desire was to have an emotionally cathartic experience with insight into my relationships her and others. Just make me see things a bit clearer.

 

So I went into the trip feeling that sense of rejection. My body curling up on the futon, the emotions weakening me. I didn't prepare for this trip. I didn't do anything to make sure I'd be okay. I thought about her for a long time. Was I really tripping? I was just thinking deeply about her, having conversations with her, coming to understand what was wrong with how I had come to relate to her and what is wrong with me in any position of expressing romantic love.

 

Eventually the emotions turned. I laid in the middle of the room on the floor. And I felt the need for my family to take care of me. A strong need that was never fulfilled. I cried intensely. I realized that I really loved another girl whom I lived with for the previous 2 years. We had a bad relationship, but she had somehow merged me into her life. I was apart of her life. She is a part of me. I saw that one hurdle with regard to my love of this new girl, and in many ways, I knew I couldn't love this new girl because I loved this other girl. You find someone who can listen to your bullshit for long enough that it doesn't matter anymore, someone that you would have an incredibly hard time offending. That being the case, I have never found that the crazy shit I say ends up understood. It's been amazing to find someone who understands. This is just what was going on. Really, it's a bit unfortunate that this trip took place around the ideas of romantic love. Haha. I'm not usually one to have that be a part of my trips. 

 

Anyway, I started releasing a lot of emotions in just the same way that I cried about my family. A lot of it was with regard to the worth I feel in life and the unhappiness I feel around that. Digging deep, really deep to let those emotions out as I cried. Then, I came upon the idea that I don't really want to exist, not at all. Then I let myself feel the decision to stop living, to stop caring about doing my job, school, etc. I've felt this once before on a 10g trip + syrian rue a long time ago. The decision to die and the sense of freedom from my life was perfect. 

 

But I had let the emotions flow too intensely. I was still laying on the floor and then I noticed that I was digging my nails into the flesh of my leg and twisting. I didn't feel anything. I didn't feel any pain. As this thought occurred, it rolled into thoughts of cutting my body into pieces. I would consider that there was a knife in the kitchen and then I would feel the desire and see my body being cut into pieces. Within my mind's eye, my body was being destroyed. As this occurred, I felt the fear in it. That I wanted it was unusual. 

 

From this scenario grew my desire and fear of killing and torturing other people. I stood up and considered what I was. I saw that the emotions I released left me inhuman. I didn't feel any pain, I could feel that I was no different than something like a cenobite from the movie Hellraiser. I was a devil or demon. While I didn't hurt myself or anyone else, my mind probed the fear and desire. I knew that I wanted to kill everyone and cut myself into pieces. It felt too easy, and it was terrifying. 

 

There was a point in this as I laid on the floor and I felt my body dead in pieces. I saw millions of chunks of flesh and felt apart of them. I felt happy. 

 

Eventually, I came to my senses and thought, "What?" I looked at the clock. It was 4am. I realized where I was. I've been to similar places fear-wise, not as intense or evil though. I knew that I went a little too deep. The desire for emotional catharsis left me in deep waters. As I was now sitting on my futon, I felt the fear for a second. It took me by the throat. And then it relaxed and I felt, "Oh, okay. So this is it. God, whatever." Hard to explain the feeling. 

 

After this I turned out the lights because I didn't want to be in a position to move around and fuck things up. It was pretty heavy fear here. I would realize it and just say, "God damn." I would then breath deeply in and out. I was all right. I've experienced this before. I'd find a piece of music that might shift the experience. Now, it had become a bit more psychedelic in the way that I'm used to. I didn't feel in control of my reality. I was in darkness and felt that I was sitting on a futon on the peak of a mountain in a cave in the depths. I imagined the world jumping out at me. Scary things and what-not. But really I was just experiencing an expectant fear. 

 

This was the time that was like an eternal trap. It's been awhile since I've experienced this. You know when you look at the time to see it's 4am, then have what feels like an eternity of panic, etc., and look back at the time to see that 3 minutes passed. This sort of thing is difficult, but I've been there enough times to know that the time moves forward, although a bit slow. 

 

I would occasionally turn on the lights and walk around, but the fear around hurting myself or others would catch up with me. I needed to turn the lights off and surrender in a fetal position. Curl up and let go. As I did it I felt fears that I haven't felt for a long while. The fear that arises when you consider that you cannot breath. As though the psychedelic will make you suffocate. As well as other things. But I have felt it before, so it was okay. 

 

Eventually I was laying there in the dark and felt that I was slipping into ultimate reality. The one that is insanity, that destroys the sense of self, is everything that is good and bad mixed up like a soup, extending into infinity. I knew I was dying. I knew that I had to die. The only way to go was to die right now, either truly via my own suicide and mutilation or via an especially strong hallucination. In any case, I told God that I wasn't ready and to let me out that I would work on myself until I was. 

 

From this point, the feeling of being protected by something like God replaced all of my fear. And I coasted back to reality, although with beautiful evil faces written into the carpet and walls. :)

 

Pretty difficult one, for sure.


Edited by Guy1298, 25 February 2017 - 02:49 PM.

  • Sidestreet, Coopdog, pharmer and 5 others like this

#2 Guy1298

Guy1298

    Mycophage

  • Free Member
  • 357 posts

Posted 25 February 2017 - 02:23 PM

Not the best write-up. I'm disappointed with it. 


  • Coopdog likes this

#3 Sidestreet

Sidestreet

    May your tracks be lost...

  • App Administrator
  • 7,360 posts

Donator


Awards Bar:

Posted 25 February 2017 - 03:41 PM

Why are you disappointed with it?  It's honest and interesting.

 

Definitely dark.  I hope you would never act on your urge/fear of violence on yourself or others.

 

So do you think you're going to try to go back to your ex?  Do you think your feeling of rejection is just in your head or something real?


  • Guy1298 and Heirloom like this

#4 Coopdog

Coopdog

    Mycotopiate

  • OG VIP
  • 2,039 posts

Donator


Awards Bar:

Posted 25 February 2017 - 04:46 PM

Man, big hug for you bro. That was a deep experience that you very well asked for. I have a strong feeling that this is going to be one of those life changing trips that really makes you indeed work on yourself. Glad you are still here by the way and glad you didn't hurt yourself or anyone else. I once had a apx 4 gram trip turn dark on me as well. I felt like a primal animal me, and my wife said that I was scaring her. Suddenly I had the deep primal reaction that a dog has when you are afraid of it, and I had a very strong guttural reaction to lash out at her. Luckily I know in my deepest soul that I love her more than air, and instead I went outside for a while, where I proceeded to hate myself for that instinctive animal reaction. Out of that experience though, I knew that I loved my wife more than ever, and felt terrible for scaring her, and myself. I did not trip for quite a while after that, and I suspect you will want to leave the teachers alone for a while as well.

 

Personally I thought yours was a great write up. You expressed yourself and your experience honestly even if it was hard to put down in writing. Thank you for sharing that experience with us brother.

 

Peace...


  • Sidestreet, Guy1298 and Heirloom like this

#5 oneeye1

oneeye1

    Mycotopiate

  • OG VIP
  • 270 posts

Donator

Posted 25 February 2017 - 06:09 PM

Yea a deep read that mate


On a side note I remember when my mrs was as daft as me
Oh the good old days
  • Guy1298 and Heirloom like this

#6 Guy1298

Guy1298

    Mycophage

  • Free Member
  • 357 posts

Posted 25 February 2017 - 10:20 PM

Yeah, probably won't be getting with my ex. The feeling of rejection was imaginary for sure. I doubt I'll pursue the relationship with the new girl. I'll just sit back and let my life do what it does. Haha. For now, at least. 

 

Better to be happy alone for now. Of course, I will always spend time with this girl whenever she wants. 

 

Of course, it will be sometime before I trip again, at least on a higher dose. 


Edited by Guy1298, 25 February 2017 - 10:24 PM.

  • Sidestreet likes this

#7 pharmer

pharmer

    Mycotopiate

  • OG VIP
  • 2,414 posts

Awards Bar:

Posted 25 February 2017 - 11:18 PM

Interesting, two bad-trip reports in two days.

 

here's half a reply to TailsMcSnails bad experience:

 

IME these bruisings take a while to heal but become good lessons as the experience gestates and you catch up to the intent of the teacher.

 

maybe a better way to say that ^^^^ is : you're probably scratching your head about now wondering WTF did I do to deserve THAT?   In time you'll find out. OR  find out you, the drug, and the universe were just not in sync that day.      Been there, done that.


  • Sidestreet and Heirloom like this

#8 niemandgeist

niemandgeist

    You make me happy in a manic sort of way :)

  • OG VIP
  • 2,445 posts

Donator


Awards Bar:

Posted 25 February 2017 - 11:30 PM

I remember a time where I really, really pushed it with my dose. Powdered, dried mushrooms, lemon tekked (well, with orange juice).

 

That was quite the ride. Too much. Too much. Too much! It took all I had to ride it through. Lots of confusion. Lots of doubt. Fear. Guilt. I had to overcome that and succumb. I was so damned confused that I wasn't sure what had actually happened, and I kept thinking that I might have done something terrible.

 

"Am I drinking this cold bottle of water, or am I drinking the blood of the family member I just killed? Am I just coming-to and sitting up in a loop, over and over, drinking this cold water, or are the sudden strong feelings of STOP countering my movements police trying to restrain me?"

 

This went on for ages.

 

Fortunately it wore off in time, but that doubt and confusion really fucked with me.

 

No more high dose trips, especially not with powdered mushrooms, ever again.

 

I'm glad that I experienced what I did and that I came out of it OK, knowing that in the end it really was just the trip, but at that dose I really had to second-guess myself again and again.

 

I wasn't even in a bad place when I did this.

 

I much prefer milder trips with lower doses when I do partake. It's been about half a year since I last had any mushrooms though.


  • Guy1298 and tailsmcsnails like this

#9 Sidestreet

Sidestreet

    May your tracks be lost...

  • App Administrator
  • 7,360 posts

Donator


Awards Bar:

Posted 26 February 2017 - 07:59 AM

I wonder if these bad trips we're seeing in the last few days have something to do with a dose in the "no-man's-land" range that TVCasualty talks about:

 

 

Also, I should add that I strongly recommend avoiding the mid-range of doses, which I call the no-man's (or woman's)-land of dosage. Doses between 2.5 grams and 5 grams tend to be the hardest (but not always) since the ego is taking a beating, but not so much so that it's lost its grip on us completely. The tension of its fight to regain control seems to cause a lot of "bad trip" problems. Taking an unambiguously-large dose (I cured my hesitation with a 6-gram dose I'd pre-soaked in lime juice) in a suitable setting turns that clingy ego into a smoking crater, freeing the rest of your mind up to relax and enjoy the show.

https://mycotopia.ne...leap/?p=1233628

 

4 grams of cubensis is a heavier dose, but it obviously wasn't "unambiguously large" enough to leave a smoking crater where the ego was.  It was still there, writhing in agony but not "dead", having a terrible time.

 

TV on big doses: https://mycotopia.ne...time/?p=1260688


Edited by Sidestreet, 26 February 2017 - 08:01 AM.

  • Alder Logs, Guy1298 and Gnomesayin like this

#10 Jeepster

Jeepster

    Mycophage

  • Free Member
  • 100 posts

Posted 26 February 2017 - 08:40 AM

I truly enjoyed my 6.3g dry yesterday, and am still experiencing a wonderful 'glow' (they can probably see me from the Space Station, lol!).

It's regrettable that anyone have a bad experience with Mother Nature's wonderful gift, the Magic Mushroom, IMHO.

Edited by Jeepster, 26 February 2017 - 11:55 AM.

  • Sidestreet, Alder Logs, Guy1298 and 1 other like this

#11 Heirloom

Heirloom

    practitioner

  • OG VIP
  • 3,550 posts

Donator


Awards Bar:

Posted 26 February 2017 - 01:40 PM

Bad trips reveal info from our subconscious and teach us.

I suggest for the best trips to dose only on good days. The better the days experience the better the trip.

I have felt rejection , its not pleasant.  I am glad now for that rejection. They were not right for me.
I look back and see they were not the kind of person I wanted, I was attracted to beauty however
beauty does not mean that they are good people. These women were beautiful on the outside but ugly inside.

I went through some very lonely depressing times. I am lucky I found a woman who was just right for me.
I want only her no other woman. We have been together for over 20 years tripping, growing cannabis and
going to festivals and living together not wanting to be apart. We are one.


 


  • Sidestreet, Zwapa, Alder Logs and 4 others like this

#12 Jeepster

Jeepster

    Mycophage

  • Free Member
  • 100 posts

Posted 26 February 2017 - 03:36 PM

Bad trips reveal info from our subconscious and teach us.
I suggest for the best trips to dose only on good days. The better the days experience the better the trip.
I have felt rejection , its not pleasant.  I am glad now for that rejection. They were not right for me.
I look back and see they were not the kind of person I wanted, I was attracted to beauty however
beauty does not mean that they are good people. These women were beautiful on the outside but ugly inside.
I went through some very lonely depressing times. I am lucky I found a woman who was just right for me.
I want only her no other woman. We have been together for over 20 years tripping, growing cannabis and
going to festivals and living together not wanting to be apart. We are one.


Sounds very familiar, I myself had absolutely horrible women problems, and, after a long timeout (14 plus years), My Lady and I met, and are incredibly happy, doing what we both love.
  • Heirloom likes this

#13 Guy1298

Guy1298

    Mycophage

  • Free Member
  • 357 posts

Posted 27 February 2017 - 07:58 AM

You might be surprised, but I don't think of this trip as a bad one. That's weird I guess because it means I somehow am that crazy. I really felt like I was feeling all of this evil shit so that I could know it. I'm not that, but I know it. It means I can be a better person, I don't need to be tied down by the thoughts and habits I have that have a small share in the terrible.

 

I remember a 7g trip I had that I think was bad. It was bad because I couldn't take it. But I was able to deal with this trip and I think it will take sometime to figure out how it's helped me. And what I'm supposed to do about it. 

 

Truly, thanks for listening. Love you guys for being with me in part throughout the few years that I've been on this forum.


Edited by Guy1298, 27 February 2017 - 01:03 PM.

  • tailsmcsnails likes this

#14 Guy1298

Guy1298

    Mycophage

  • Free Member
  • 357 posts

Posted 01 March 2017 - 07:07 PM

This trip has had a relatively lasting impact emotionally. I'm still pretty damn high. Have a body high from my breath as I write this. 

 

Similar intensity to what Aya did to me. 

 

I'm pretty happy about it. It's laying the foundation for personal growth. I might imagine that the trip took all of the unfortunate emotional shit I had stored away with my ex and let it all run about in whatever form it needed to express itself. Apparently, it needed to express itself through me turning into, at least within my mind, total fucking evil.

 

Good stuff. I'd say. Feeling quite optimistic. 


  • Alder Logs and tailsmcsnails like this

#15 Guy1298

Guy1298

    Mycophage

  • Free Member
  • 357 posts

Posted 09 March 2017 - 09:48 PM

Hah. I found out the rejection wasn't imaginary. 

 

Probably for the best. I am a crazy one for sure, so crazy that even a bit of a crazy girl thinks I'm a bit crazy! Haha. 

 

Always a bit hard to get rejected, you know. But I know within my heart that I would ruin most people lives. No different than an addiction, you like the pleasure of being accepted and loved, blissful pleasure sometimes, but you know it ends somewhat badly. (I know some people disagree here. But I know myself well enough that it does end pretty badly because of how emotionally capable I am... not very much.) 

 

But we still chase it. The last time we hung out, I smoked some weed and felt blissfully high. The combination of the cocktail of chemicals that were coming from here presence combined with weed, combined with the fact that my brain is a bit fried from that trip, made possible one of the most blissful feelings I've felt. Gotta love her for that. But, getting this high leaves you a bit groundless, of course. 

 

I think I'll head to the hot springs tonight. Bask in the warm water. Good for the soul. :)



#16 Saphroziac

Saphroziac

    Hotbrained Dyanamitard

  • OG VIP
  • 577 posts

Donator

Posted 11 March 2017 - 12:31 AM

Wow. I too have had dark thoughts arise while on a psychedelic trip. 

I envisioned that I was in a semi-parallel universe where the Me in that universe was a total fucking asshole-- to the limit.

Scared me because I was experiencing it in my minds eye, of course. Took a turn for the better eventually. 

 

A few quotes which bring be comfort when I an tossed into an experience like this is...

 

"Life is only a dream and we are the imagination of ourselves." -Bill Hicks

"We will come to find that we are all one mind, capable of all that's imagined and all conceivable." -Reflection, Tool

"Light, Love, Eternal, Omniscient, Omnipotent, Omnipresent, without judgement." -Merkaba, Tool

“There is no coming to consciousness without pain. People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own Soul. One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.” -Carl Jung
  • SteampunkScientist and sparrow95 like this

#17 Guy1298

Guy1298

    Mycophage

  • Free Member
  • 357 posts

Posted 11 March 2017 - 04:45 AM

:biggrin:


Edited by Guy1298, 11 March 2017 - 11:29 AM.


#18 Guy1298

Guy1298

    Mycophage

  • Free Member
  • 357 posts

Posted 18 March 2017 - 02:38 PM

Heh, that girl really fucked me up. I need to remember this for the future... be really careful when falling in love. Should tattoo it to my forehead or something. Haha. 

 

Well, time to get back to the usual. My hip is feeling better nowadays, basically pain free. So I should hit yoga daily as usual. Eat little. Do what's required from my work and school. Meditate daily... etc. I have a pretty good routine for myself nowadays. A good control over my habits. So, yeah maybe the girl fucked me up, but it's been good for me. 

 

And I'm led to remember that I haven't really got a taste of a large dose, not once, not really. I'm still chasing that experience. Though, my low doses are pretty "spiritual" as it is. So, I know of some good places and I have a few friends that know of good places, good settings. After this school year, I'll seek those places out. Gives me something to look forward to. A lake at the base of a mountain, something like that. 

 

So, the next dose I do will be 6 grams in a place like that, far away from people. The gods will smile upon me if I work hard here and now. :)


  • Saphroziac and tailsmcsnails like this




Like Mycotopia? Become a member today!