Hi, I'll try to write this up as well as I remember it.
Recently, I've fallen in love with a nice girl. A nice girl that is just as crazy as I am and understands all the crazy things I say.
So last night, we went to the bar and drank a bit. Throughout the night, I felt subtly rejected. We had a nice time, but as usual feeling this sort of initial love for someone has a way of bringing you back to every childhood insecurity. A drug, that doesn't let you think straight.
In any case, I felt this sense of rejection. And decided I would take a 4g trip to get a better view of things. It was a high dosage for me at the moment in not the most secure place. I imagine my desire was to have an emotionally cathartic experience with insight into my relationships her and others. Just make me see things a bit clearer.
So I went into the trip feeling that sense of rejection. My body curling up on the futon, the emotions weakening me. I didn't prepare for this trip. I didn't do anything to make sure I'd be okay. I thought about her for a long time. Was I really tripping? I was just thinking deeply about her, having conversations with her, coming to understand what was wrong with how I had come to relate to her and what is wrong with me in any position of expressing romantic love.
Eventually the emotions turned. I laid in the middle of the room on the floor. And I felt the need for my family to take care of me. A strong need that was never fulfilled. I cried intensely. I realized that I really loved another girl whom I lived with for the previous 2 years. We had a bad relationship, but she had somehow merged me into her life. I was apart of her life. She is a part of me. I saw that one hurdle with regard to my love of this new girl, and in many ways, I knew I couldn't love this new girl because I loved this other girl. You find someone who can listen to your bullshit for long enough that it doesn't matter anymore, someone that you would have an incredibly hard time offending. That being the case, I have never found that the crazy shit I say ends up understood. It's been amazing to find someone who understands. This is just what was going on. Really, it's a bit unfortunate that this trip took place around the ideas of romantic love. Haha. I'm not usually one to have that be a part of my trips.
Anyway, I started releasing a lot of emotions in just the same way that I cried about my family. A lot of it was with regard to the worth I feel in life and the unhappiness I feel around that. Digging deep, really deep to let those emotions out as I cried. Then, I came upon the idea that I don't really want to exist, not at all. Then I let myself feel the decision to stop living, to stop caring about doing my job, school, etc. I've felt this once before on a 10g trip + syrian rue a long time ago. The decision to die and the sense of freedom from my life was perfect.
But I had let the emotions flow too intensely. I was still laying on the floor and then I noticed that I was digging my nails into the flesh of my leg and twisting. I didn't feel anything. I didn't feel any pain. As this thought occurred, it rolled into thoughts of cutting my body into pieces. I would consider that there was a knife in the kitchen and then I would feel the desire and see my body being cut into pieces. Within my mind's eye, my body was being destroyed. As this occurred, I felt the fear in it. That I wanted it was unusual.
From this scenario grew my desire and fear of killing and torturing other people. I stood up and considered what I was. I saw that the emotions I released left me inhuman. I didn't feel any pain, I could feel that I was no different than something like a cenobite from the movie Hellraiser. I was a devil or demon. While I didn't hurt myself or anyone else, my mind probed the fear and desire. I knew that I wanted to kill everyone and cut myself into pieces. It felt too easy, and it was terrifying.
There was a point in this as I laid on the floor and I felt my body dead in pieces. I saw millions of chunks of flesh and felt apart of them. I felt happy.
Eventually, I came to my senses and thought, "What?" I looked at the clock. It was 4am. I realized where I was. I've been to similar places fear-wise, not as intense or evil though. I knew that I went a little too deep. The desire for emotional catharsis left me in deep waters. As I was now sitting on my futon, I felt the fear for a second. It took me by the throat. And then it relaxed and I felt, "Oh, okay. So this is it. God, whatever." Hard to explain the feeling.
After this I turned out the lights because I didn't want to be in a position to move around and fuck things up. It was pretty heavy fear here. I would realize it and just say, "God damn." I would then breath deeply in and out. I was all right. I've experienced this before. I'd find a piece of music that might shift the experience. Now, it had become a bit more psychedelic in the way that I'm used to. I didn't feel in control of my reality. I was in darkness and felt that I was sitting on a futon on the peak of a mountain in a cave in the depths. I imagined the world jumping out at me. Scary things and what-not. But really I was just experiencing an expectant fear.
This was the time that was like an eternal trap. It's been awhile since I've experienced this. You know when you look at the time to see it's 4am, then have what feels like an eternity of panic, etc., and look back at the time to see that 3 minutes passed. This sort of thing is difficult, but I've been there enough times to know that the time moves forward, although a bit slow.
I would occasionally turn on the lights and walk around, but the fear around hurting myself or others would catch up with me. I needed to turn the lights off and surrender in a fetal position. Curl up and let go. As I did it I felt fears that I haven't felt for a long while. The fear that arises when you consider that you cannot breath. As though the psychedelic will make you suffocate. As well as other things. But I have felt it before, so it was okay.
Eventually I was laying there in the dark and felt that I was slipping into ultimate reality. The one that is insanity, that destroys the sense of self, is everything that is good and bad mixed up like a soup, extending into infinity. I knew I was dying. I knew that I had to die. The only way to go was to die right now, either truly via my own suicide and mutilation or via an especially strong hallucination. In any case, I told God that I wasn't ready and to let me out that I would work on myself until I was.
From this point, the feeling of being protected by something like God replaced all of my fear. And I coasted back to reality, although with beautiful evil faces written into the carpet and walls. :)
Pretty difficult one, for sure.
Edited by Guy1298, 25 February 2017 - 02:49 PM.