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I got what I asked for


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#1 bennylava

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Posted 20 March 2017 - 02:53 AM

I made a mushroom tea last night, of 3.5 grams. Little did I know of the ass whooping I was about to receive. Words can do it no justice. There are no words to describe what I went through. I could talk about it for hours. I still feel scorched by the fires of hell, but I would do it all again. And now, if ever I actually believed in hell, I do not fear it and feel that I have already been there. Well I actually wanted that too. I wanted to know what it was like. Now I know. It ain't no fun. Bad idea, and I won't be going back.

 

I contacted whatever this infinite intelligence is. I think that its actually me. Or you, or whoever is having the trip. It kept saying that it was me, and that asking who it was, was a pointless question because I already knew the answer. It was me. It just kept repeating that. And I felt possessed, and it began speaking out of my mouth. But I kept realizing that I couldn't be possessed, because it was me. We are weird creatures. At times I was fighting for control over my own mouth, trying to fight back and regain control over what I was saying. But it said out loud: "You've gotten what you asked for. Is it everything you thought it would be?"

 

Everything it said was aloud, through me, using my mouth. But I guess it was me saying it, my true self. My soul, my spirit, the real me. And boy is he strong. I could feel the strength and power coming through just in his speech. Extremely knowledgeable and powerful. I now know what mckenna was talking about when he says that it can answer any question you have in 0.001 seconds. I asked about meeting god and it said that "You must first know yourself before you can ever hope to know another." In other words, there is no point in trying to meet him until you know yourself. You wouldn't understand it anyway, until you do. Something to that effect.

 

And the way that it talked was so weird. Every word had a period after it. So for that last thing I just mentioned, it said it like this: "You. Must. First. Know. Your. Self. Before. You. Can. Ever. Hope. To. Know. Another." And again, it was using my mouth to say all of this out loud. It also told me that where I am in life, is all my own doing, and that I am realizing this now, and that is why I am feeling such extreme emotional pain. I was crying and wailing and raging. It is very VERY good that nobody was there in the house with me. I punched all kinds of holes in my wall in my computer room. Drool was coming out of my mouth in long streams as I cried. The emotional pain was nearly unbearable. But it was bearable. And at one point I said... "Well if this is what an encounter with you is like, then there is no wonder that people avoid it!!!" To which it replied: You are feeling the pain which is the result of all of your choices. If you desire a different outcome, then you much choose. You must choose the outcome that you desire. No one can choose it for you. Only you. You are having to face the fact that any suffering you have felt in your life, is probably brought on by yourself! And then it kept repeating: You must choose. You must choose. You are here only as the result of your own choices. That is why you are in such pain. You are now having to face that fact and you can no longer run from it. If you want out of your situation in life, then you must make the choices that lead out of it. You will be wherever you choose to be."

 

Ouch. That hurt so bad to face that. It still hurts and brings tears to my eyes to think of it even now. Cause apparently I have been avoiding making choices all my life. And it hasn't taken me anywhere good. And its all been nobody's fault but my own. Every last bit of it can be pinned only on me. Well that all changes now. Now I'm going to take responsibility for my own actions, and change it so that its the way I want it to be.

 

I felt like my soul was ripped out, and then stuffed back in. But in a better manner. At one point I was arguing with myself, and it got to the point where I thought I was going completely insane. I would say "Yes but..." and then look off in another direction, and say "no because..." and not finish that sentence either and then look off back to the first direction. I was arguing with myself way too fast. And it stopped me and said "There is a conflict. Hold on, we will fix that." And then I just stood there paralyzed, unable to move. While I looked down and drooled. Then in a few seconds, I had control again and was no longer arguing with myself.

 

It was really wild. And then it was say to do something and I would do it. When I was done wailing and screaming in agony in emotional pain and misery on the floor, it said "Stand. Up." and I stood up. It said "Wipe. Off. Your. Nose." And I did it. It was all the weirdest, strangest thing I've ever experienced.

 

And the odd thing was, I never felt high, or stoned, and I was in complete control the entire time. I could have ended the trip and just started doing something else. At least, that is the way I felt. I think that I actually tried it end it before it was over, and that may have been a mistake. At the end I got that old psychedellic mainstay, that so many people talk about. The sense of impending doom. All I wanted was another person around. I couldn't even tell if I was alive or dead, or if that even mattered. I thought that it was possible that I had actually died several years ago, and was just lingering around in my house and not paying attention to anything. You know, like a ghost would do. I thought that there was no way out, and nothing could ever matter again. I can see where people would want to kill themselves in order to end it to escape the feeling. The thought crossed my mind but I refused to let it end that way.

 

I went outside and it was like 6 am. I started tripping at about 11:45 pm. The birds were going off pretty intensely, and that helped. It helped a lot, actually. Then my friend showed up whom I had called over for help. He is a good friend to wake up and come see me after he'd been asleep for only 3 hours. Then my wife came home, and took over and he left. We had conversations that we should have had years ago. I don't know if I'll ever fully understand what happened to me. I know it will take months to deal with it. But I feel like I am a better person now, and have benefited from all of this. Negativity is being swept away. Its like a crapload of garbage was just bulldozed out of my house. I can still feel it working in my brain. Well, I can feel something going on in there, anyway. I'm not sure what it is but I have a feeling its "them" doing their work. Whoever they are. They are making improvements and changing me for the better. I realized what the mushrooms are. All they do, is change the direction you are looking in. That's it, that's all they are. They make you look over here, where you refused to look or maybe where you just don't normally look because you're not used to doing it. Either way that's all they do.

 

I got some visuals, but only when I wanted to see them. If I wanted to see visuals, I would see visuals. Like this painting in my bedroom of a ship on the ocean. The waves began to flow, and the wind began to blow the sails. But as soon as I thought "That's not actually happening, this is just a painting" it would go back to normal. For a second, at least. Then if I kept looking at it, it would go right back to doing what it was doing. My wife's face kept changing into different monkey faces too. But if I got up and walked around, all that went away.

 

Sorry if this sounds like some kind of weird rant, but I just had to tell you guys what happened to me. This was not a bad trip. It was a hard trip to have, and a hard trip to face. But it was not a bad trip. I am glad that I did it, and would do it again if I had to. But I won't. I Had to share the experience as best I could. I look forward to hearing what you guys have to say about all this.


Edited by bennylava, 20 March 2017 - 02:56 AM.

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#2 tailsmcsnails

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Posted 20 March 2017 - 03:51 AM

Wow, really great job of explaining some of what transpired. You really bought a ticket and took the ride. Congratulations on such a powerful and profound journey.

I've experienced the. Thing. Where. You. Jerk. One. Syllable. Out. At. A. Time

Thanks again for taking the time to share such a detailed and honest account.

Edited by tailsmcsnails, 20 March 2017 - 03:52 AM.

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#3 Cuboid

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Posted 20 March 2017 - 05:19 AM

+1 What tails said.
Hope you're OK, sounds like something that will take time to integrate.

(Mods: Please Move thread to Storming the Gates?)


Edited by coorsmikey, 20 March 2017 - 07:50 AM.
manors added

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#4 bennylava

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Posted 20 March 2017 - 09:51 AM

Wow, really great job of explaining some of what transpired. You really bought a ticket and took the ride. Congratulations on such a powerful and profound journey.

I've experienced the. Thing. Where. You. Jerk. One. Syllable. Out. At. A. Time

Thanks again for taking the time to share such a detailed and honest account.

 

It was my pleasure to share it. I knew I'd want to even before the trip. What do you think the one syllable thing is about? Maybe that's just the best method it can come up with to communicate? Maybe its doing that so you will know that this ain't normal and that you need to pay attention to what its saying? It would start talking and I knew for a fact it wasn't me. Well, not the normal me that's talking to you now at least. It was something... else. Even if that something else is still actually the real me.

 

It was surreal to have what appeared to be some separate intelligence speaking out of my mouth. I kept adjusting my jaw in an attempt to regain control, but it really didn't work. I think fighting it like that may have made things harder on me.

 

And I remembered later that I saw its eyes looking at me. The closest thing I can compare it to are tiger eyes, but even that really isn't all that good of a comparison. They were wild looking, but still somehow clearly human. If you look into the eyes of a tiger, you can detect that its a beast. You can tell that compared to a man, its missing something. That almost vacant look that all animals have. Not these eyes. There was intelligence in there. Like you knew the wheels were turning. When the trip was coming on, I started getting mild visuals, but I think that I really didn't see them much because I didn't want to. The trip had started and was going in full swing, and I still didn't really want to admit to what was happening. I looked in the mirror, but not at my own reflection. Just the reflection of the room itself. Couldn't look at my own face, it kept contorting. That is when I saw the eyes, staring right at me. And once again, I somehow knew they were mine. That it was me. They were my eyes, but they were different. Way more intense. Anyone who saw that staring at them in real life would get real darn uncomfortable. I know I would. But I didn't because I knew it was somehow me. And why would you get uncomfortable if you're just staring at yourself?

 

We've got a soul, for sure. No question about it. And its way stronger and more powerful than people ever think it is. And on top of that, its super intelligent. Like way smarter than any normal human. I kept saying "What is it?? What are you? Who are you?!?" and every time it would say  "I am you". And I would know it was true. Pretty freaky actually.

 

I hope its wearing off, but after the trip this has happened twice: I was laying in bed sleeping. And when I'd wake up from just dozing off, or even having slept all night last night, I'd get the sense of doom back. For a few seconds anyway, maybe for a whole minute. It doesn't feel good at all. Like any little fear that I feel, is a lot greater than it would normally be. Like I can sort of just barely stand it. Cause I'll often feel fear just for a second when I first wake up. I imagine that happens to a lot of people. Before I realize where I'm at, that I'm laying in bed and that I'm just waking up, I'll be afraid. I think it has something to do with the totally helpless position that I realize that I'm in. After all, when you're in bed you're just laying there, in a vulnerable position, in the dark, covered up (and thus slightly restrained) and anyone could have snuck up on you... anything could be happening quietly and you wouldn't know a thing about it.

 

And for a couple of seconds I feel very vulnerable and helpless. Perhaps that is why the fear of doom is able to creep back in. Whereas before, for those first couple of seconds, it was just plain old ordinary fear. But then I'd realize where I was and it would go away. Normally its like "Oh yeah, I've done this a million times. No big deal. I know where I'm at now."

 

Another weird thing is, I've been seeing my house from weird and different angles. Like its a different house. Like I'm seeing parts of it for the first time. But only at certain times, and when I'm in certain positions. Such as standing up, but leaning slightly forward in a way that I may not normally do, in a spot in the house that I may not normally be in or being standing in that exact position in. So for a split second its like "wtf... this isn't my house..." And then I have to say to myself "Yeah it is, that's just a different angle".


Edited by bennylava, 20 March 2017 - 10:37 AM.

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#5 Arathu

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Posted 20 March 2017 - 10:26 AM

Altering the gates of perception..........and opening them with various keys.........

 

Good report, keep working on integration and possibly by meditating on this...........

 

 

Anyone who saw that staring at them in real life would get real darn uncomfortable.

These are with me ALL THE TIME............ even when my petty childlike ego forgets or throws silly tantrums..................HE/SHE/IT is there, watching................ IME

 

I also got "other than" mySelf talking at me too.....one female voice sings lovely songs to me........

 

Personally I do not find these things unnerving but actually comforting in a much larger sense.....acceptance, letting go, submission, admittance, putting ego in the corner for a bit........

 

New perspectives allow for new reflections IME

 

A


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#6 bennylava

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Posted 20 March 2017 - 11:18 AM

Who knows... But if you ask me, its YOU staring at you. Kind of a mind bender. And here I was thinking that it was unlikely anything could bend my mind anymore. Oh yeah it can. It can bend all sorts of ways.

 

 

After having this experience I feel... timid. I feel vulnerable. I even feel weak. Like a child who has just received a harsh and painful spanking from an angry parent. That really is what I can compare it to. And I want to get back to feeling strong. I guess I have to grow into it with my new... personality. This new me has to grow strong on its own. My old strength relied upon negativity. Now I no longer have that. So I guess I have to grow new strength. It kind of hurts.


Edited by bennylava, 20 March 2017 - 11:24 AM.

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#7 Arathu

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Posted 20 March 2017 - 11:28 AM

I'm talking about integration into daily "waking" consciousness so completely "sober" (for lack of a better term) meditation on the various happenings while making trips and how these fit into day to day life.

 

I agree...it's ME looking at me, the real "I" and not this stream of conditioned ego based modern mind but the LONG ME stretching across countless lifetimes.............

 

BUT IMHO there are "others" that are NOT ME...............

 

It is still an attempt to get down into the sub-conscious and unconscious and bring those aspects into the "light" of waking consciousness......it's also how I rooted out many "demons" 

 

I very successfully treated my own alcoholic tendencies in this very manner........... I spent the first decade and a half after getting out of the service DRUNK..........I don't do that any more..... :meditate:

 

In any case it's just an idea....spend time meditating or learning to without taking anything but breath............

 


Edited by Arathu, 20 March 2017 - 11:29 AM.

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#8 sparrow95

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Posted 20 March 2017 - 04:11 PM

Thanks for sharing with us.  You will integrate this experience into your being.  You have a slightly different perspective now. It sounds like it was a good and healthy shift.

Best wishes :rolleyes:


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#9 tailsmcsnails

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Posted 20 March 2017 - 04:46 PM

where did I hear it?  The thing you are looking for is the thing that is looking.  Was it here?  It must have been.


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#10 Final

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Posted 20 March 2017 - 05:41 PM

Dude awesome Trip nice you made contact :D . 



#11 bennylava

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Posted 20 March 2017 - 10:13 PM

BUT IMHO there are "others" that are NOT ME...............

 

 

Yeah I'll start meditating on it once I'm done healing up from this. I still feel like I'm putting my psyche back together, but this time I get to consciously choose how it will be. It feels painful at times. I feel like I'm in a weak and fragile state. But this time its going to be way better. I'm still physically sore from the trip as well. Probably all that thrashing around on the ground.

 

As for the others, I kept trying to figure that out but I kept realizing that it wasn't important at this time and that I needed to focus on what I was doing. So I just didn't worry about who else may be there besides me, and the "real" me. If there was anyone else, I don't think I was aware of it.


Edited by bennylava, 20 March 2017 - 10:16 PM.

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#12 bennylava

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Posted 21 March 2017 - 12:10 AM

Also thanks everyone for all the kind words. It really does mean a lot to me.

And you know, I would like to go back there someday. I remember saying "I need more mushrooms" because I knew time was running out.

However, I don't think I want to have that same trip again. Because after all, what would be the point? If I woke up and got my life straight, and realized (and carried out) what it was trying to tell me, then why would I need to have that trip again? I know that I needed it, but it was still hellish and awful. I want to go back, but I don't want my time to be hellish and awful again. I want everything in my life to be positive now, and that would even include another mushroom trip.

Which is a bit of an oxymoron, because even the hellish trip was positive... another mind bender. So I can't tell if I should, or should not go back. What would it have to say next time? Say in 1 year for example. If I fully carried out what it said to do, and reversed my life, what would it have to say then? It could not say the same thing anymore. It could only say something like..."Well, you have done well. You have turned it all around". Right? Or wrong? Would it have something different to say? And what could that be? I guess there is only one way to find out...

And do you always HAVE to talk to this thing? Are there different trips where he/she/it/me doesn't come around and say anything? Maybe some trips you just fly over landscapes and look at stuff?

Edited by bennylava, 21 March 2017 - 12:14 AM.

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#13 riseabovethought

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Posted 21 March 2017 - 03:34 PM

bennylava, on 20 Mar 2017 - 02:53 AM, said:

"You. Must. First. Know. Your. Self. Before. You. Can. Ever. Hope. To. Know. Another."

Did you ever see the movie, 'Into The Wild?'
The main character was determined to get out to the Alaska wilderness, to find his peace. And at the end of the movie, just before he died, he suddenly realized something profound; He wrote it down in a Eureka moment. It was the lesson of deep knowledge, which is what matters most, which is beauty and nature and love, just as he had always suspected; but he had gone as far as he could solo, and by being solo, he was limited, he had struck a wall, he fucked up. He realized that in order for love to be real, it has to be shared. I found that strange then, and still Im not quite sure if I agree with that, but nonetheless, the lesson stuck. It could be true, but it puts way too much power in the hands of 'the other,' IMHO. I think, in general, people have a much harder time loving themselves than loving another. But it makes sense to me, that in order to really love someone, one must first love themself to the degree that there is something available to lend out. Its like having money in the bank account.

Im not saying you dont love yourself, but you are beginning to know yourself (as 'the other' and simultaneously as who you really are) and you're moving into oneness and spirit. I always found it paradoxical, that in order to achieve oneness, it is necessary to separate thinking from awareness. I suspect that your thinking met your awareness, and it was an Earth -shattering breakthrough experience.   :thumbs_up:  -Proud of ya. :meditate:


Edited by riseabovethought, 22 March 2017 - 01:05 PM.

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#14 tailsmcsnails

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Posted 21 March 2017 - 05:10 PM

 Maybe some trips you just fly over landscapes and look at stuff?

this made me LOL, because I have wondered the same thing.  Sounds nice huh.



#15 bennylava

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Posted 22 March 2017 - 07:39 AM

 

 Maybe some trips you just fly over landscapes and look at stuff?

this made me LOL, because I have wondered the same thing.  Sounds nice huh.

 

 

Well these landscapes and strange scenery and vistas must have something to do with all this stuff. I mean just look at the top of this very page. Its right there, as artwork that is meant to represent, or somehow convey something to do with a mushroom trip. And I did begin to see things... sort of. Like I said, my wife's face began to appear as various monkey faces. I guess I've always thought that some people just look like monkeys. On a lot of different people, you can very clearly see the resemblance to a monkey. Then on other people, not so much.

 

I'd even try to not see it, and it would work for a couple of seconds. But then it would just go back to doing it. Just shifting from monkey, to monkey. With different expressions on different monkey faces. The same thing with the ship on the ocean painting I have hanging on the wall. I'd look at it, and see the waves rolling and the sails billowing. And it would stop when I'd think to myself "No way! That ain't real!! I know that's just a painting... you can't fool me." And for a few seconds, it would go back to just being a painting.

 

But then, it would all just start happening again, and moving again. I've heard of people who have been tripping and were sort of able to be sucked into a painting, and walk around in there. I can see now, where this could happen...

 

Well they've earned their name. Is anyone, or any thing more deserving of its name, than that of a magic mushroom? I learned that magic is not to be f***** with. Its just as liable to burn you as to help you. But it will probably do both.

 

I want to trip again, but I really don't feel like having a... a... pyschological meltdown again. I kind of like my spirit not being shattered. I still feel timid, afraid, and scorched. Weakened. And my hold on reality has slipped. But, that is fading. It took about 3 days just to start to fade though. I feel like my grasp on the world is tightening again, finally. I think that I just may heal up from this. I just may be able to bounce back. I want to trip again, but I really don't want these after effects. I don't like feeling like I'm going insane. It isn't very much fun.

 

Perhaps a psychic constitution can be built up? That will make me resistant to this type of thing? Cause I ain't never had a beating like this in my whole life.

 

My new avatar represents how I felt when i began to realize what was happening..


Edited by bennylava, 22 March 2017 - 08:14 AM.

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#16 riseabovethought

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Posted 22 March 2017 - 09:54 AM

Thank you for sharing this amazing account!  You did really well.  I think you faced yourself for real, and accepted some truths you've been trying not to look directly at.  People have written bible passages after an experience like that.  I wonder how far you can take what you've glimpsed.  Take back your power. :chucks:


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#17 Arathu

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Posted 22 March 2017 - 09:58 AM

I learned that magic is not to be f***** with................................. :biggrin: INDEED..............

 

See all those questions you ask............. Yeah...that's where meditation and contemplation comes in.

 

An attempt is made to integrate the experience into daily life.............finding meaning and value

 

Imagine, or maybe you don't need to imagine it I don't know, working on veteran issues with PTSD and etc........

 

Bringing things from the darkness into the light can be "hellish" but leaving them in the dark IS living hell........IMHO

 

Consider this possibility.............the daily waking ego IS NOT YOU....it's just another moving painting............tripping monkeys and all............

 

SET and SETTING cannot be over stressed....... 

 


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#18 Alder Logs

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Posted 22 March 2017 - 11:55 AM

Ok, the old lysdexic finally bit the bullet and read the whole thread.  Very good explorations. 

 

Don't integrate it in mental terms so much.  This is my feeling.  Be with it in neutrality as much as possible. 

 

That fear upon awakening; could it be identification as the body?   If you are before this body, a soul, you might say, what is it that's being fearful?  We are taught to tell ourselves a story that we are these meat suits.   When the seeing is clearly beyond our accepted limitations of self, what is feeling the threat, if not to some idea of who we are, rather than what we actually are?

 

 

I asked about meeting god and it said that "You must first know yourself before you can ever hope to know another." In other words, there is no point in trying to meet him until you know yourself. You wouldn't understand it anyway, until you do. Something to that effect.

 

I don't know who said this, but I heard it quoted quite recently by Mooji.

 

 

If you seek God you will find yourself.  If your seek yourself you will find God.

 

 

 

where did I hear it?  [What] you are looking for is [w]hat is looking.  Was it here?  It must have been.

 

It could have been me, quoting St. Francis of Assisi.   If there is a one sentence instruction on self realization, would this be it?


Edited by Alder Logs, 22 March 2017 - 11:58 AM.

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#19 tailsmcsnails

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Posted 22 March 2017 - 04:56 PM

 

 

where did I hear it?  [What] you are looking for is [w]hat is looking.  Was it here?  It must have been.

 

It could have been me, quoting St. Francis of Assisi.   If there is a one sentence instruction on self realization, would this be it?

 It was indeed.  Hate when I can't remember where I heard something.

 

OP said: 

"I want to trip again, but I really don't feel like having a... a... pyschological meltdown again. I kind of like my spirit not being shattered. I still feel timid, afraid, and scorched. Weakened. And my hold on reality has slipped. But, that is fading. It took about 3 days just to start to fade though. I feel like my grasp on the world is tightening again, finally. I think that I just may heal up from this. I just may be able to bounce back. I want to trip again, but I really don't want these after effects. I don't like feeling like I'm going insane. It isn't very much fun."

 

I just want to say that I totally get this, it's a great description.  In a few days, if you're like me, you'll be back in consensus reality (I always want to type consensual reality- call Freud) fully. 

 

With regard to the dissolving, recrystallising thing-each time it happens I inch a tiny bit closer to a metaphor that explains why what we're left with afterwards is more really 'me' than what I started with.  Sadly psychedelics seem to say "here is everything, you don't get to keep it'.

Attachment to the stuff that falls away makes it really uncomfortable, but I'm guessing that if it falls away it isn't really me.

 

Anyway thanks for sharing, and you don't have to go back in there until you're ready!   :hug:

.


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#20 Alder Logs

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Posted 22 March 2017 - 08:46 PM

The thing is, you do get to keep it.  You can't be without it.  If tripping shows you something (or nothing) is there (here), then it should be showing you that the tripping isn't/wasn't totally necessary.   If it happened, great; honor it.     When is what is looking not seeing?   Seek the Self behind the self, and eventually find the seeker is only an idea, and the Self, the reality before the idea of the seeker arose.   It can happen just walking along, this seeing.  It has no name, no attributes.  It is aware, and that's all.  All the ten thousand things it sees, and yet it does not become them, as a concept.  The concepts arise and are claimed by the idea maker.  No-thing is what we think.

 

Granted, tripping takes identity and overrides it for a time.  The beauties and terrors do not completely overcome the seeing, and we can see that.  The moments of grasped Oneness shine as beacons of what is possible in awareness.  Moments of peacefulness in the unidentified/unattached seeing allow a rest so deep in the heart.   In coming back down into our torn and battered ideas of self, that self reasserts itself, as us.  And all the seeing seems to have been lost or is fading.  It is a shift of perspective back into a story that we have made up of ourself that gives the illusion of us as other, and everything that has been seen also as other.  But we did see the Oneness and felt that glory.  

 

I once heard someone say that tripping is about as peaceful as a house afire.   Start entertaining that the notion that the seeing is always here, ongoing, that it was here before we imagined ourselves as a point behind the eyes and between the ears.  The Oneness is True!  It's always true.  It is the prime reality, before what is/can be sensed.

 

...or not. 


Edited by Alder Logs, 22 March 2017 - 11:22 PM.

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