I made a mushroom tea last night, of 3.5 grams. Little did I know of the ass whooping I was about to receive. Words can do it no justice. There are no words to describe what I went through. I could talk about it for hours. I still feel scorched by the fires of hell, but I would do it all again. And now, if ever I actually believed in hell, I do not fear it and feel that I have already been there. Well I actually wanted that too. I wanted to know what it was like. Now I know. It ain't no fun. Bad idea, and I won't be going back.
I contacted whatever this infinite intelligence is. I think that its actually me. Or you, or whoever is having the trip. It kept saying that it was me, and that asking who it was, was a pointless question because I already knew the answer. It was me. It just kept repeating that. And I felt possessed, and it began speaking out of my mouth. But I kept realizing that I couldn't be possessed, because it was me. We are weird creatures. At times I was fighting for control over my own mouth, trying to fight back and regain control over what I was saying. But it said out loud: "You've gotten what you asked for. Is it everything you thought it would be?"
Everything it said was aloud, through me, using my mouth. But I guess it was me saying it, my true self. My soul, my spirit, the real me. And boy is he strong. I could feel the strength and power coming through just in his speech. Extremely knowledgeable and powerful. I now know what mckenna was talking about when he says that it can answer any question you have in 0.001 seconds. I asked about meeting god and it said that "You must first know yourself before you can ever hope to know another." In other words, there is no point in trying to meet him until you know yourself. You wouldn't understand it anyway, until you do. Something to that effect.
And the way that it talked was so weird. Every word had a period after it. So for that last thing I just mentioned, it said it like this: "You. Must. First. Know. Your. Self. Before. You. Can. Ever. Hope. To. Know. Another." And again, it was using my mouth to say all of this out loud. It also told me that where I am in life, is all my own doing, and that I am realizing this now, and that is why I am feeling such extreme emotional pain. I was crying and wailing and raging. It is very VERY good that nobody was there in the house with me. I punched all kinds of holes in my wall in my computer room. Drool was coming out of my mouth in long streams as I cried. The emotional pain was nearly unbearable. But it was bearable. And at one point I said... "Well if this is what an encounter with you is like, then there is no wonder that people avoid it!!!" To which it replied: You are feeling the pain which is the result of all of your choices. If you desire a different outcome, then you much choose. You must choose the outcome that you desire. No one can choose it for you. Only you. You are having to face the fact that any suffering you have felt in your life, is probably brought on by yourself! And then it kept repeating: You must choose. You must choose. You are here only as the result of your own choices. That is why you are in such pain. You are now having to face that fact and you can no longer run from it. If you want out of your situation in life, then you must make the choices that lead out of it. You will be wherever you choose to be."
Ouch. That hurt so bad to face that. It still hurts and brings tears to my eyes to think of it even now. Cause apparently I have been avoiding making choices all my life. And it hasn't taken me anywhere good. And its all been nobody's fault but my own. Every last bit of it can be pinned only on me. Well that all changes now. Now I'm going to take responsibility for my own actions, and change it so that its the way I want it to be.
I felt like my soul was ripped out, and then stuffed back in. But in a better manner. At one point I was arguing with myself, and it got to the point where I thought I was going completely insane. I would say "Yes but..." and then look off in another direction, and say "no because..." and not finish that sentence either and then look off back to the first direction. I was arguing with myself way too fast. And it stopped me and said "There is a conflict. Hold on, we will fix that." And then I just stood there paralyzed, unable to move. While I looked down and drooled. Then in a few seconds, I had control again and was no longer arguing with myself.
It was really wild. And then it was say to do something and I would do it. When I was done wailing and screaming in agony in emotional pain and misery on the floor, it said "Stand. Up." and I stood up. It said "Wipe. Off. Your. Nose." And I did it. It was all the weirdest, strangest thing I've ever experienced.
And the odd thing was, I never felt high, or stoned, and I was in complete control the entire time. I could have ended the trip and just started doing something else. At least, that is the way I felt. I think that I actually tried it end it before it was over, and that may have been a mistake. At the end I got that old psychedellic mainstay, that so many people talk about. The sense of impending doom. All I wanted was another person around. I couldn't even tell if I was alive or dead, or if that even mattered. I thought that it was possible that I had actually died several years ago, and was just lingering around in my house and not paying attention to anything. You know, like a ghost would do. I thought that there was no way out, and nothing could ever matter again. I can see where people would want to kill themselves in order to end it to escape the feeling. The thought crossed my mind but I refused to let it end that way.
I went outside and it was like 6 am. I started tripping at about 11:45 pm. The birds were going off pretty intensely, and that helped. It helped a lot, actually. Then my friend showed up whom I had called over for help. He is a good friend to wake up and come see me after he'd been asleep for only 3 hours. Then my wife came home, and took over and he left. We had conversations that we should have had years ago. I don't know if I'll ever fully understand what happened to me. I know it will take months to deal with it. But I feel like I am a better person now, and have benefited from all of this. Negativity is being swept away. Its like a crapload of garbage was just bulldozed out of my house. I can still feel it working in my brain. Well, I can feel something going on in there, anyway. I'm not sure what it is but I have a feeling its "them" doing their work. Whoever they are. They are making improvements and changing me for the better. I realized what the mushrooms are. All they do, is change the direction you are looking in. That's it, that's all they are. They make you look over here, where you refused to look or maybe where you just don't normally look because you're not used to doing it. Either way that's all they do.
I got some visuals, but only when I wanted to see them. If I wanted to see visuals, I would see visuals. Like this painting in my bedroom of a ship on the ocean. The waves began to flow, and the wind began to blow the sails. But as soon as I thought "That's not actually happening, this is just a painting" it would go back to normal. For a second, at least. Then if I kept looking at it, it would go right back to doing what it was doing. My wife's face kept changing into different monkey faces too. But if I got up and walked around, all that went away.
Sorry if this sounds like some kind of weird rant, but I just had to tell you guys what happened to me. This was not a bad trip. It was a hard trip to have, and a hard trip to face. But it was not a bad trip. I am glad that I did it, and would do it again if I had to. But I won't. I Had to share the experience as best I could. I look forward to hearing what you guys have to say about all this.
Edited by bennylava, 20 March 2017 - 02:56 AM.