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I got what I asked for

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#41 bennylava



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Posted Yesterday, 05:11 AM

Yes its been a while now. Off and on during the time I've been away from the forum, I've felt that sort of doomed feeling, here and there. When it happens, I feel very vulnerable. Vulnerable in the extreme, you might say. But, I think I'm starting to overcome it. I think that you guys were right, its the ego not wanting to submit. That's really the only thing I can come up with. I haven't felt it in a while now, and I think maybe I'm actually becoming stronger for it. Its never going to be a good feeling, but I think that its something that I need to gain mastery over. If I can master it, then future trips, should have a harder time "harming" me.


My friend calls it your "psychic constitution". Maybe I just needed more of that. I am not sure. I felt it last time, about a week ago. Even when it was more frequent, it still wasn't all the time. It would be maybe once per week. When I felt it a week ago, it came in response to me thinking about undergoing another heavy trip like that. Only this time instead of 3.5g, I was going to bump it up to 6 or 7g. So that I could see what others see, and perhaps have a trip something like Terrence Mckenna would talk about. And do it in silent darkness. But this time, have a close friend at the house.


All I wanted when my trip was over, and the Doom feeling first reared its ugly head, was to have another human being around. Just somebody. Anybody. So this time, I'll have that already on hand. Also, as some have suggested, a little mary jane. That is supposed to go a long way towards helping with this type of thing.

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#42 Spooner


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Posted Yesterday, 06:27 AM

 When the seeing is clearly beyond our accepted limitations of self, what is feeling the threat, if not to some idea of who we are, rather than what we actually are?


And of course the other possibility is that WE DO NOT EXIST.  

The question itself may be an illusion, ouch!  

How do we contemplate nothingness where contemplation does not exist?

Know who you actually are, without accepting the potentially false illusion that there actually exists an I.


If I actually exist, then this hurts my head.


P.S. Great trip report Benny!

Edited by Spooner, Yesterday, 06:44 AM.

#43 Alder Logs

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Posted Yesterday, 10:25 AM

Spoons, can you say that as the awareness that is being aware, there could be no existence?  Does not contemplation arise right out of the realization that there is existence, even if no thing can be connected to the realization?   The seeing, "I exist," stands when all that arises in the seeing becomes.   The tendency is to identify with the seen, and not the seeing.  So, we want to say what the "I" is.  Are you the head that hurts?  You say, "my head;" is the identity with a "my" the source of, the actuality of, awareness, or is it a construct that arose out of what has been seen in an awareness in which even time arises?  


This 'I' idea covers a whole spectrum from timeless awareness to the most fleeting of perceptions.  'We' can be the timeless I, or any imagining in the passing microsecond.  In timelessness we are all of it, but not as any time body.   Truly "knowing thyself" has no place or time in which to stand.  Being identified as a body or mind is to take on a limitation in time and space. 


The drive to exist as a something probably should hurt our heads.   It is to want the infinite held inside the finite, it's cake and eat it.   As nothing, at least in terms of points of perspective, we regain our innate freedom in being.  Yes, the body/mind remains, but is seen, as it is, in time and space.   What sees it was here before it, before time and space even.   The body/mind identity might want to be everything, but fearing the void of nothingness, contracts from the inevitability of realizing it was created precisely out of nothing.   Poor mind, it can't envelop what created it.   It gets a hurty head.  


The parts we take on that are not real, are made up in the illusion, are right here in our sight.  Seeing them for what they are, and are not, is done from the nothingness out of which all the somethings arise.   When I had the gift to see the I that exists was nothing, yet existed all the more, the seeing of bullshit me was to know Self.   Bullshit me never quits trying to reassert itself, its made up new versions, the latest thing, are all still bullshit.   I am NOT that.   The play is seen as play.   Life goes on, but Self is free, even when the play sucks me back in for another dip into time.  


The bullshit is what is doomed.   I exist, but as what?   The Nothing is real.   This can be a source of fear or comfort, depending on who we believe we are.

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#44 Spooner


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Posted Yesterday, 08:48 PM

The problem which remains is that the "Existent I", may not exist as a knowable entity outside of the limitations of a time dimension, and bullshit thrives on such limitations.  Perhaps this "Existent I" is "Process" which requires no time dimension, but seems to manifest only through it's interactions in the time dimension.  


At any rate thank you Dr. Logs, for identifying the headache as the result of trying to fit the infinite inside the finite.  

Nail on head, amigo.  (But nail on head creates a different kind of headache.)

#45 Guy1298



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Posted Yesterday, 11:44 PM

I personally wouldn't jump in deep. I'd use low doses 1-2.5g and catch some euphoria repairing that doom feeling and turning it into confidence and love. 


Just my opinion. To each their own.


Terence Mckenna also said, 


"Experimenters should be very careful. One must build up to the experience. These are bizarre dimensions of extraordinary power and beauty. There is no set rule to avoid being overwhelmed, but move carefully, reflect a great deal..."

Edited by Guy1298, Today, 12:01 AM.

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