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I got what I asked for


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#41 bennylava

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Posted 25 May 2017 - 05:11 AM

Yes its been a while now. Off and on during the time I've been away from the forum, I've felt that sort of doomed feeling, here and there. When it happens, I feel very vulnerable. Vulnerable in the extreme, you might say. But, I think I'm starting to overcome it. I think that you guys were right, its the ego not wanting to submit. That's really the only thing I can come up with. I haven't felt it in a while now, and I think maybe I'm actually becoming stronger for it. Its never going to be a good feeling, but I think that its something that I need to gain mastery over. If I can master it, then future trips, should have a harder time "harming" me.

 

My friend calls it your "psychic constitution". Maybe I just needed more of that. I am not sure. I felt it last time, about a week ago. Even when it was more frequent, it still wasn't all the time. It would be maybe once per week. When I felt it a week ago, it came in response to me thinking about undergoing another heavy trip like that. Only this time instead of 3.5g, I was going to bump it up to 6 or 7g. So that I could see what others see, and perhaps have a trip something like Terrence Mckenna would talk about. And do it in silent darkness. But this time, have a close friend at the house.

 

All I wanted when my trip was over, and the Doom feeling first reared its ugly head, was to have another human being around. Just somebody. Anybody. So this time, I'll have that already on hand. Also, as some have suggested, a little mary jane. That is supposed to go a long way towards helping with this type of thing.


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#42 Spooner

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Posted 25 May 2017 - 06:27 AM

 When the seeing is clearly beyond our accepted limitations of self, what is feeling the threat, if not to some idea of who we are, rather than what we actually are?

 

And of course the other possibility is that WE DO NOT EXIST.  

The question itself may be an illusion, ouch!  

How do we contemplate nothingness where contemplation does not exist?

Know who you actually are, without accepting the potentially false illusion that there actually exists an I.

 

If I actually exist, then this hurts my head.

 

P.S. Great trip report Benny!


Edited by Spooner, 25 May 2017 - 06:44 AM.


#43 Alder Logs

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Posted 25 May 2017 - 10:25 AM

Spoons, can you say that as the awareness that is being aware, there could be no existence?  Does not contemplation arise right out of the realization that there is existence, even if no thing can be connected to the realization?   The seeing, "I exist," stands when all that arises in the seeing becomes.   The tendency is to identify with the seen, and not the seeing.  So, we want to say what the "I" is.  Are you the head that hurts?  You say, "my head;" is the identity with a "my" the source of, the actuality of, awareness, or is it a construct that arose out of what has been seen in an awareness in which even time arises?  

 

This 'I' idea covers a whole spectrum from timeless awareness to the most fleeting of perceptions.  'We' can be the timeless I, or any imagining in the passing microsecond.  In timelessness we are all of it, but not as any time body.   Truly "knowing thyself" has no place or time in which to stand.  Being identified as a body or mind is to take on a limitation in time and space. 

 

The drive to exist as a something probably should hurt our heads.   It is to want the infinite held inside the finite, it's cake and eat it.   As nothing, at least in terms of points of perspective, we regain our innate freedom in being.  Yes, the body/mind remains, but is seen, as it is, in time and space.   What sees it was here before it, before time and space even.   The body/mind identity might want to be everything, but fearing the void of nothingness, contracts from the inevitability of realizing it was created precisely out of nothing.   Poor mind, it can't envelop what created it.   It gets a hurty head.  

 

The parts we take on that are not real, are made up in the illusion, are right here in our sight.  Seeing them for what they are, and are not, is done from the nothingness out of which all the somethings arise.   When I had the gift to see the I that exists was nothing, yet existed all the more, the seeing of bullshit me was to know Self.   Bullshit me never quits trying to reassert itself, its made up new versions, the latest thing, are all still bullshit.   I am NOT that.   The play is seen as play.   Life goes on, but Self is free, even when the play sucks me back in for another dip into time.  

 

The bullshit is what is doomed.   I exist, but as what?   The Nothing is real.   This can be a source of fear or comfort, depending on who we believe we are.


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#44 Spooner

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Posted 25 May 2017 - 08:48 PM

The problem which remains is that the "Existent I", may not exist as a knowable entity outside of the limitations of a time dimension, and bullshit thrives on such limitations.  Perhaps this "Existent I" is "Process" which requires no time dimension, but seems to manifest only through it's interactions in the time dimension.  

 

At any rate thank you Dr. Logs, for identifying the headache as the result of trying to fit the infinite inside the finite.  

Nail on head, amigo.  (But nail on head creates a different kind of headache.)



#45 Guy1298

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Posted 25 May 2017 - 11:44 PM

I personally wouldn't jump in deep. I'd use low doses 1-2.5g and catch some euphoria repairing that doom feeling and turning it into confidence and love. 

 

Just my opinion. To each their own.

 

Terence Mckenna also said, 

 

"Experimenters should be very careful. One must build up to the experience. These are bizarre dimensions of extraordinary power and beauty. There is no set rule to avoid being overwhelmed, but move carefully, reflect a great deal..."


Edited by Guy1298, 26 May 2017 - 12:01 AM.

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#46 bennylava

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Posted 09 June 2017 - 03:20 AM


 

Terence Mckenna also said, 

 

"Experimenters should be very careful. One must build up to the experience. These are bizarre dimensions of extraordinary power and beauty. There is no set rule to avoid being overwhelmed, but move carefully, reflect a great deal..."

 

 

Yes I have been working back up to it slowly. Doing a lot of 1g "trips". I love those, and i find them to be awesome. The doomed feeling is waning, and has now been reduced (when i actually feel it) to just a tightness across the chest. I did a 2g trip about 2 weeks ago, where I could hear the entity talking again... a bit. It was trying to teach me again. A song was playing and it was trying to teach me something in regards to the song... I think.

 

It said:

 

"See how we all use it? She uses it (the singer) they use it (the record company) we use it (the entity) and you use it (me the listener)".

 

So what it actually said was "See how we all use it? She uses it, they use it, we use it, and you use it."

 

I've never really looked at it like that. The singer puts it out there, and everyone uses it. Everyone puts their hands on it; and everyone passes it around for use. Odd. I didn't make it to the end of that lesson though. The 2g trip started to fade.


Edited by bennylava, 09 June 2017 - 03:23 AM.


#47 bennylava

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Posted 19 March 2018 - 12:16 AM

 

 

With regard to the dissolving, recrystallising thing-each time it happens I inch a tiny bit closer to a metaphor that explains why what we're left with afterwards is more really 'me' than what I started with.


 

 

Had some time to contemplate many of these posts. After a year, I've had some time to integrate some of this. I was ill equipped to talk about this sentence before now, but I think I know what you are talking about. Your true self talks more now. Its a bit like being a kid again in that way. If you can remember when you were a kid, sometimes you'd just spout what you thought, without regard to the consequences. I do that much more frequently now. But not in a bad or negative way. Its almost involuntary. Almost. Before I held so much back, always for fear of what the other person might think. Or for fear that I'd say it wrongly, and not convey my real meaning properly. I had all these thoughts about what I might say, somehow going totally wrong and just messing everything up. Not anymore. I generally just say it now, again almost in an involuntary way, but not quite involuntary. Its like the filter that shouldn't have ever been there, has been removed. While the one that should remain, does indeed remain. In this way, what you are left with afterwards is indeed more "you" than you started with. Even emotions are felt more... purely. Not so much over analyzing anymore. Just pure feeling, when the time is right. I think this goes back to mushrooms sort of stripping away all the crap you don't really need for anything.

 

 

Im not saying you dont love yourself, but you are beginning to know yourself (as 'the other' and simultaneously as who you really are) and you're moving into oneness and spirit.

 

Has this ever made you question whether you have the beginnings of multiple personality disorder? Because it has been doing that to me, ever since my big trip. I don't know what it is, but every once in awhile "it" will still talk. Sometimes only in my head, sometimes out loud when I'm alone. But I have to bring it on, I have to actively seek to talk to it in some way. And it really starts to get you thinking that you're talking to yourself. But somehow not yourself. And you begin to examine yourself, from multiple different perspectives. This can get kind of scary. And it can make you think you have the beginnings of multiple personality disorder. So I try not to do it very often. Makes me think I'm going nuts.


Edited by bennylava, 19 March 2018 - 12:19 AM.

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