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Why keep at it?


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#1 Guy1298

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Posted 11 September 2017 - 05:13 PM

I was thinking earlier today that the assumptions that keep me doing what I'm doing are pretty flimsy (in a way). 

 

I'm currently attending grad school in some school in some place in the world for some abstract subject. For no good reason. Haha. And I think why do I wake and take all of this upon me everyday. I assume that I am the choices that came before. I once thought there was something valuable in learning this subject. I don't think so anymore. 

 

I already have an employable undergrad degree... so, I should be relatively secure monetarily and functionally. Haha. But, really...

 

I don't really think it matters much anymore. Haha. I'm already free in a sense... I could die today. Not suicidal or anything. But I have to wonder why I'm doing this anymore. As I wonder too often. A weird place I'm in. 

 

I think it's like most things. When I was a teenager I thought romantic relationships were something I needed then I met with the terrible emotions there too many times and decided they weren't, but I do occasionally fall under spells. Human conditioning failed me. In the same way, familial conditioning, seeing things through the lens of a son of my father who always regretted his lack of education, and finding school relatively easy, pushed me onwards into this. 

 

I wonder if there is ever a state of freedom... 

 

I have some debts to pay off which should be payable within a year after I graduate or not. I could pay them with any job really. So, why am I here? Haha. I came close with that last trip. I've come close before. Will my freedom be my death? Or will it be me being crazy? Or will it be me living relatively homeless? What will my freedom be? 

 

Well. I do think there are some flawed assumptions that keep me going. That I am what came before. That being here now has anything to do with constructing myself, being someone with X degree, going onto some job, something. There's a relieving breath in knowing that I'm dying. Thank you. :). 

 

I will like doing mushrooms soon. Haha. 

 

I'm of the opinion that I will either ordain (Buddhist) or spend some weird time using Ayahuasca. Weird life I have. Haha. But, as always the various spells that get cast from female fingertips can be powerful... I doubt it. Weird weird life. But, it's cool. Just keeps on going. I'll go with it for now. Maybe, God will truly shatter the illusion one day. Haha.


Edited by Guy1298, 11 September 2017 - 05:25 PM.


#2 Guy1298

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Posted 11 September 2017 - 05:20 PM

Maybe, the state of freedom exists within the appearance of being subject to all of these conditions. There's freedom in that relieving breath in knowing that I'm dying. Really is. 

 

But, I do think something should change. Freedom is here... maybe. But, I think I feel like I'm sort of already done with a lot of this... and there's a lot of relief in knowing that. Time to move on. I'll finish this degree (only a year) and move on.  


Edited by Guy1298, 11 September 2017 - 05:22 PM.


#3 Arathu

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Posted 11 September 2017 - 05:55 PM

I've lost all of my worldly possessions four times in this life time.....two house fires and two divorces left me basically with a bag of clothes each time.......I was free each time it happened and then enslaved myself again by gathering more junk.....

 

No one died in any of the instances above but the emotional pain was strong in all cases.............interpersonal strife for almost everyone involved.....still there was a strong sense of freedom after the shock of the loss of items I was attached to by choice.............the entire thing has cost me several small fortunes and extensive toil to finance.............hardly freedom.........I don't think we want to be free........I think we want to be bound by attachments and belonging to things. We're trying to define ourselves through attachments to objects by possession of them and that it doesn't work. We've confused freedom with attachment to objects...................

 

When I'm out in the mountains camping and I don't have to be anywhere or answer to anyone..............I feel free to just be me......still I like my tent, sleeping bag, and coffee pot..........

 

I really actually despise the daily grind of working "success" and would rather just have the complete freedom to explore alternative energy research every day but I'll bet that could also become burdensome as well..........freedom, what the hell is that anyway?  

 

:biggrin:  


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#4 Guy1298

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Posted 11 September 2017 - 06:40 PM

Yeah, I could definitely revise my previous posts. 

 

Just like meaning, meaning for something that isn't me. Freedom, freedom for something that isn't me. Haha.

 

But, things will change... I think. Haha. And I think I'll feel a bit more free in the future. 


Edited by Guy1298, 11 September 2017 - 06:41 PM.


#5 Alder Logs

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Posted 11 September 2017 - 07:37 PM

Being the doer is bondage.  Being the witness to it all, without accepting the conditioned identity, it all still happens.   Even our lives as the persons we've been acting as are there to be witnessed, impersonally, just as awareness.    Our relationship to the doing and the having, as our conditioned identities, brings all that personal charge into what, behind it all, is simply being.   The freedom, the being, are the ever-present state of our existence.   Nothing takes our freedom.   We only imagine we are not free.   Nothing has to be added or taken away.    Our possessions, our achievements, can be heavy weights, or just what's happening.


Edited by Alder Logs, 11 September 2017 - 07:40 PM.

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#6 Guy1298

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Posted 11 September 2017 - 11:16 PM

I re-read my posts... they seem a lot more unhappy than I intended them. Haha. Damn. 

 

Thanks for the wisdom Alder. 



#7 Alder Logs

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 12:18 AM

I sensed no unhappiness there.   If there is unhappiness, you can look at who feels unhappy.  To whom does the appearance of unhappiness arise as an issue?    Is it you, or an idea of you?   If you can see it's an idea (and you can bet that idea isn't what is doing any seeing, for the seeing is real, here, present, while the idea is the made up facsimile, our self portrait, our conditioned identity) then you see you are the seeing (which has no name, no separate nature, would be an illusion anyway).   

 

We are verb, not noun.  We are the happening of life.   Non of the happenings of life need stop with this recognition.   Can you see how the doer disappears, as it is seen to be the idea of ourselves?   In being, all happenings get done without attachment.  No doer there claiming any credit.   When the personal charge is absent, activity becomes a joy.   If an activity does not satisfy, we can look to see what in us is dissatisfied, and why.  We, as the awareness, have the power to start steering by the purity of true being.   

 

If the doer tendency, that old habit of the conditioned identity, stirs in the consciousness, it is always there to be seen.   When we are as the awareness, anything seen is obviously not what we are.   Freedom is from our personal ideas of who we are, not as those ideas.    

 

"Freedom is not something you fight for.  Freedom is what you are."

~Mooji


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#8 dead_diver

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 01:37 AM

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose.
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#9 Spooner

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 01:47 PM

When the questions of your current field of study no longer interest it is time to study something that does interest you.



#10 pharmer

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 03:59 PM

Over the years of hanging out in these forums I've overlapped a ton of Grad students. Very few ever said anything good about it, especially those in the research fields.

 

Seems to me, a guy who didn't even stick it out to complete the Bachelors', that Graduate studies are a netherworld. More damned schoolwork ahead for the foreseeable future and possibly a very similar environment post grad or post Doctorate.

 

You are not alone in wondering what your place in this universe is and how you're going to engineer your own happiness. It's a rite of passage into adulthood.

 

Here's a hint - adulthood is more of the same. Meeting obligations and having to think hard about where to fit in and how to pay for what you need and then what you want and realizing that the ultimate cost is your own time. That's how you pay for it all in the modern world of specialization. Your Time. Your time in life. Think about those words. THAT is how to measure all that is good and bad, all that is constructive or wasted. What do you want to have at the end of your time? Think about that for a minute or two.......................

 

Your condition is no different than a rancher. Up early, work all day, hope to spend an hour of quality time with those near and dear and hope nothing bad happens and takes away all you've accomplished.

 

We're all in this same boat. Some of us are lucky or better skilled at navigating lifes' waters and seem to float through it all. It ain't me but I'd guess they have their list of complaints too.

 

Ultimately it's about you making decisions for you and living with the consequences.

 

It sounds like you're unattached. That's a good thing while in flux. Obligations to others than yourself tend to make your decisions for you.

 

In conclusion: do what makes you happy and hope it works out well.


Edited by pharmer, 12 September 2017 - 04:04 PM.

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#11 Spooner

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 04:18 PM

As you travel on through life my friend,

Whatever be your goal,

Keep your eye upon the doughnut,

And not upon the hole.

 

The center is a black hole, but the event horizon is a buzzing teaming area of light.

 

P.S. Doughnuts are a joy to eat, and nourishing.


Edited by Spooner, 12 September 2017 - 04:20 PM.

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#12 SteampunkScientist

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 08:47 PM

Sorry Alder, but I still see that the being is the doing. They are the yin and yang. To see them both is to walk the line between them.

What a very fine line that is...

Edited by SteampunkScientist, 12 September 2017 - 08:49 PM.

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