I was thinking earlier today that the assumptions that keep me doing what I'm doing are pretty flimsy (in a way).
I'm currently attending grad school in some school in some place in the world for some abstract subject. For no good reason. Haha. And I think why do I wake and take all of this upon me everyday. I assume that I am the choices that came before. I once thought there was something valuable in learning this subject. I don't think so anymore.
I already have an employable undergrad degree... so, I should be relatively secure monetarily and functionally. Haha. But, really...
I don't really think it matters much anymore. Haha. I'm already free in a sense... I could die today. Not suicidal or anything. But I have to wonder why I'm doing this anymore. As I wonder too often. A weird place I'm in.
I think it's like most things. When I was a teenager I thought romantic relationships were something I needed then I met with the terrible emotions there too many times and decided they weren't, but I do occasionally fall under spells. Human conditioning failed me. In the same way, familial conditioning, seeing things through the lens of a son of my father who always regretted his lack of education, and finding school relatively easy, pushed me onwards into this.
I wonder if there is ever a state of freedom...
I have some debts to pay off which should be payable within a year after I graduate or not. I could pay them with any job really. So, why am I here? Haha. I came close with that last trip. I've come close before. Will my freedom be my death? Or will it be me being crazy? Or will it be me living relatively homeless? What will my freedom be?
Well. I do think there are some flawed assumptions that keep me going. That I am what came before. That being here now has anything to do with constructing myself, being someone with X degree, going onto some job, something. There's a relieving breath in knowing that I'm dying. Thank you. :).
I will like doing mushrooms soon. Haha.
I'm of the opinion that I will either ordain (Buddhist) or spend some weird time using Ayahuasca. Weird life I have. Haha. But, as always the various spells that get cast from female fingertips can be powerful... I doubt it. Weird weird life. But, it's cool. Just keeps on going. I'll go with it for now. Maybe, God will truly shatter the illusion one day. Haha.
Edited by Guy1298, 11 September 2017 - 05:25 PM.