Paradox
©
Fisana

Jump to content


Photo
- - - - -

Thoughts, experiences, etc.


  • Please log in to reply
98 replies to this topic

#1 Guy1298

Guy1298

    Mycophage

  • VIP
  • 708 posts

Awards Bar:

Posted 11 November 2017 - 11:20 PM

I suppose I'll make this into a thread for my thoughts and experiences with mushrooms as time goes on. I'm a bit tired of making a thread every time I feel a bit high.

 

To start this off, I have probably been microdosing for a couple weeks now. But, not really microdosing, much more like very mildly tripping, and not every other day or so, more like every day. Haha. Took it's toll on me this week. I remember last time I did things in an abusive way. I remember at the tail end of it sitting in my bathtub and hanging on against intensely depressive feelings. Trying to see the light, but being torn completely down. 

 

Seems I did that to myself this week, not so intense though, but something to be a bit concerned about. 

 

I dig that Paul Hedderman and Ramana Maharishi stuff for some reason. I actually feel that it's right. 

 

There is a particularly small jump that can be made in thinking, it's small, but it makes an infinity of difference. Am I this? No. The line is clear... I am not this at all. I'm not what came before, I'm not what comes after. Seen in this way, the ongoing show in the mind is literal nonsense. Haha. That's relief. :).


  • Skywatcher, Alder Logs and Justintime like this

#2 tailsmcsnails

tailsmcsnails

    Fabric of Time and Dimension

  • Gold VIP
  • 589 posts

Donator


Awards Bar:

Posted 12 November 2017 - 03:35 AM

What is your intention, if you have one... With this dosing schedule?

#3 Guy1298

Guy1298

    Mycophage

  • VIP
  • 708 posts

Awards Bar:

Posted 12 November 2017 - 08:12 AM

I guess at various points the schedule was to help me improve my habits. But, I think, I was a bit fooled this week. Time for a break.

 

Interesting dream last night, I entered a castle to ask three ethereal, glowing women about a book and Yggdrasil. Slept the night within their arms. Left the next morning, scared, running, a weird feeling of death surrounding the place. 

 

I have things I need to do for myself before I trip seriously again. So, I suppose I'm going to focus on that. It's a bit interesting to see how far away from things one can get. In the matter of a few days, I feel like I've been away from work and school for forever, but really it's only been a long weekend. 


Edited by Guy1298, 12 November 2017 - 09:06 AM.

  • tuftygrasses likes this

#4 Alder Logs

Alder Logs

    ૐ शान्तिः शान्तिः शान्तिः ૐ

  • Moderator
  • 12,299 posts

Donator


Awards Bar:

Posted 12 November 2017 - 11:44 AM

After reading that micro-dosing is also a treatment for ADHD, I have decided to give it a try, though it has been years since I have tripped at this point.  I tried .1 gram of Ps. cyanescens last weekend, thinking it would be below any noticeable amount.  I was going to go with that much every four days.  I definitely felt it more than I had expected.   I have waited a week and will go with about .05 grams today.   Probably because of having a Lyme infection, for a few years I have been having ocular migraines (which cause only visual symptoms and no pain, and last only about 20 minutes), so I also want to see if those stop happening. 

 

A body/mind identification is not much of an issue, but in seeing this body/mind, if its ADHD tendencies could be subdued slightly, I am interested in seeing it have a better ability of attention.   The attention longs to be brought with more power to the knowing of itself, which is always present, and always being present, never goes to anxieties of futures, or is troubled with concerns about remembered pasts.   Being can even be known when the body/mind is all over the place.   So, whatever comes from this medicine, it is all seen, and the present cannot become less real.   That baseline happiness cannot desert true being. 

 

So, I will try to keep this well below "mildly tripping" and watch how the body/mind experience goes.   The I that is/am loves it all, as that is all it can know.   Presence sees thoughts and memories happen, sees the body and knows it for what it is.    As Hedderman says, "you travel lighter."  


  • coorsmikey, Skywatcher and Guy1298 like this

#5 Guy1298

Guy1298

    Mycophage

  • VIP
  • 708 posts

Awards Bar:

Posted 14 November 2017 - 11:47 PM

I decided to lower the microdose, but continue in this daily regimen.

 

Feeling some pretty intense changes socially speaking. It feels a bit closer to what I experience after a very good trip. People seem to be smiling more and when I talk to them they seem more inclined to share personal details, etc. I'm trying to carry more love in me, etc. I feel like it's all positive. 

 

I remember during the summer I began seeing intelligence in what people were saying in a discussion/meditation group I attend. It was as if people were maybe talking for the very first time, maybe I could never hear them before, or maybe reality is weird as shit and it was basically changing with my changed state of mind... this is what kept me saying in the summer that reality is mind-made. Considering some other weird things that were happening during that time it seemed reasonable... like feeling like the birds were trying to communicate with me and having weird encounters with random people. I remember a man that I found on the street with "Fear God" tattooed on his eye-lids. Seriously, I have no idea where this guy came from, homeless, with tons of fucking tattoos, he closes his eyes in front of me and it is just blaring in my mind, "Fear God." In any case, I felt those feelings again in that group I attend, and felt like something weird was going on with the people there, etc.

 

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I expect reality to fall apart in front of me. It scares me a bit, since it points more and more as I have been pointed to before that I'm in some sort of false life. But, *shrug* I have been coming to trust reality more and more as time goes on. It becomes clearer that trusting reality is the only option. Perhaps, I'm tending towards insanity. *shrug*. I think there are some careful steps that people can make that are insane and otherworldly that don't imply what is usually taken to be insane in any negative way. If you really trust reality, an insane world is one you can stand on, if you don't trust it, you sink and more likely find yourself trapped in a sane one. I suspect. Haha.


Edited by Guy1298, 14 November 2017 - 11:53 PM.

  • Skywatcher likes this

#6 Guy1298

Guy1298

    Mycophage

  • VIP
  • 708 posts

Awards Bar:

Posted 15 November 2017 - 03:29 PM

I guess I'll see if something along those lines repeats. Could just be the sense of magical coincidence that comes from psychedelic use on occasion. Still cool with me. 

 

Probably a good idea to go lower as well. These smallish doses leave me feeling high even when I'm off them. I'll be sitting around the next day feeling pleasant sensations around my breath, etc. 

 

I think I'll switch it to every other day and drop the dose to subperceptual on most days. It would be the wise decision here, because I think if you're taking enough to feel it significantly the mushrooms are trying to get their hands on you... they might not be able to scare you into curling up in a ball in pitch black darkness and praying to God and what-not, but they still get their hands on you and your world. Considering I'm trying to study a difficult subject that requires a lot of my time, it's not doable, unless I drop everything... 


Edited by Guy1298, 15 November 2017 - 04:11 PM.

  • Skywatcher likes this

#7 Guy1298

Guy1298

    Mycophage

  • VIP
  • 708 posts

Awards Bar:

Posted 16 November 2017 - 01:07 AM

Weird world we live in. 


Edited by Guy1298, 16 November 2017 - 01:14 AM.


#8 onediadem

onediadem

    Insidious Drivel

  • OG VIP
  • 14,121 posts

Awards Bar:

Posted 16 November 2017 - 04:04 AM

No kidding. I often feel disconnected, like, in a "matrix" sort of way. Just feels like I am standing beside myself and seeing from both views at the same time. It often does feel like being mildly touched by insanity. And other times, it feels as though I am almost, almost, almost close to "getting it." LOL.. I am looking forward to reading more of your experiences with this. Best of luck!


  • Skywatcher and Guy1298 like this

#9 onediadem

onediadem

    Insidious Drivel

  • OG VIP
  • 14,121 posts

Awards Bar:

Posted 16 November 2017 - 04:05 AM

Oh, and all of it sober too. (Intense)



#10 Guy1298

Guy1298

    Mycophage

  • VIP
  • 708 posts

Awards Bar:

Posted 16 November 2017 - 06:57 PM

So, I guess I have a recurring theme in my trips. In the 10g trip, I realized that I create reality to produce comfort out of a soup of potential existence which for me at the time was unbelievably hard to endure. It was pretty damn clear back then. Then things got weird as hell post-Ayahuasca, I remember after one of the Ayahuasca trips I lost all of my fear suggesting to a few people that I could blow my brains out without fear... it was born out of an incredible trust in what I found on Ayahuasca. Now, that last summer's trip essentially communicated to me that "Yes, this is your creation." And it paired itself with all of the strangest encounters, weird coincidences, etc. And now, those last couple very low dose trips communicate the same thing, they show me a groundlessness in existence then infuse me with deep love, despite seeing the unreality to things, I am propelled to continue acting and as far as the mushroom is concerned tending towards true love or so I've come to think. 

 

That's really been the only convincing message I have ever gotten from mushrooms or psychedelics. 

 

I suppose I won't know for sure until I take a moderately high dose again. And even then, I think that reality is trying to hide this fact from me. And, one should think that I am not what I call myself as well. If this world is mind-made it is Mind-made. I cannot say that I am God... unless I first say that I am not myself. Haha. So it counts for nothing. It is Reality saying it is Reality. I really think the more I try to analyze myself and experience, the more I get lost in it. I should just remember what I felt over the summer and go with the flow. None of this means anything for me, that's clear enough. I basically don't exist. When I suspect that I am this body or this wispy thing, my memorial-conceptual self, there are just layers of paradoxes. 

 

Well, when I'm finished with grad school, I'll do a larger dose. Either that, or back to do Ayahuasca. Knowing that death isn't real, I think we can be certain that there is something quite beyond. Movement into death or movement into larger doses... it's seemingly necessary.


Edited by Guy1298, 16 November 2017 - 07:06 PM.


#11 Guy1298

Guy1298

    Mycophage

  • VIP
  • 708 posts

Awards Bar:

Posted 16 November 2017 - 10:12 PM

I write some bit. Maybe good time for a break. Haha. 

 

I realize that using psychedelics leads me into these sort of quandaries. When I stop, I think about these things much less. I think there is probably some wisdom in not buying into what's spewing forth from your mind. Your desires and place in the world, some seeming quest for a reality beyond reality... I imagine the thoughts themselves, that something must happen is a lie as well. I buy into my thoughts, I'm lost in them. 

 

Psychedelics are an obsession for sure. 

 

Do you suppose that you can look directly at thoughts around yourself and know that they are false? Give them up immediately, like a crazy man babbling nonsense in your ear. It'd be nonsense, wouldn't it? Isn't it?  


Edited by Guy1298, 16 November 2017 - 10:27 PM.


#12 Guy1298

Guy1298

    Mycophage

  • VIP
  • 708 posts

Awards Bar:

Posted 16 November 2017 - 11:38 PM

Yeah, it is a crazy man babbling nonsense.



#13 onediadem

onediadem

    Insidious Drivel

  • OG VIP
  • 14,121 posts

Awards Bar:

Posted 16 November 2017 - 11:48 PM

Who really knows? My. mind. never. shuts. up.


  • Guy1298 likes this

#14 Alder Logs

Alder Logs

    ૐ शान्तिः शान्तिः शान्तिः ૐ

  • Moderator
  • 12,299 posts

Donator


Awards Bar:

Posted 17 November 2017 - 12:17 AM

Yeah, think about 70+ years of ADHD.   I have lived so much with this blabberbrain, and yet, there is a power to not personalize its antics.   I didn't know that for most of this life.   I didn't/couldn't imagine that there could be a quiet behind thought which abides in presence.    Mind does not have to be my identity.   It doesn't seem to know that, but now I do.   Should I find this awareness being aware, I see the identified mind has nothing for that.   There is no person that can be the unnamed being just being.   It feels like something from when I was a little kid, because its the same timeless something.   All the parade of thoughts didn't bother that little kid.   Being a space case often got him in trouble, but he didn't even understand that.   When the trouble was over, it was back into the timeless being.  It was the real home.


Edited by Alder Logs, 17 November 2017 - 12:21 AM.

  • onediadem and Guy1298 like this

#15 Guy1298

Guy1298

    Mycophage

  • VIP
  • 708 posts

Awards Bar:

Posted 17 November 2017 - 03:08 PM

I think that what Hedderman says about when you realize it you also realize that it has never not been the case is true. 

 

We have always been perfectly fine. Haha. It definitely seemed clear this summer. 

 

I suppose, these seeming desires for death and more convincing doses of mushrooms, an insane world (even maybe a better one), will not make a difference. Nothing will make a difference! But, that's cool because no difference need be made. 


Edited by Guy1298, 17 November 2017 - 03:10 PM.


#16 Guy1298

Guy1298

    Mycophage

  • VIP
  • 708 posts

Awards Bar:

Posted 18 November 2017 - 09:51 PM

Take everything I've written up until here as a hiccup. As I'm known to do. Haha.

 

This is how I'm going to start using mushrooms. I will microdose Sunday and possibly Wednesday. And Friday will be devoted to a small 1g trip with a well-thought out intention. 

 

As for the Friday trip, it will be in as complete of darkness I can get and no music unless I've gotten past the initial meanderings of thought. 

 

That's the plan I guess. If it becomes too much, I'll move the Friday trip to every other. I think this is a reasonable way of doing things which won't drive me crazy. Every day microdosing easily falls apart for me. And larger doses will lead me to dropping everything. 



#17 Guy1298

Guy1298

    Mycophage

  • VIP
  • 708 posts

Awards Bar:

Posted 21 November 2017 - 10:53 PM

Very nice trip. Just 1g, silent darkness, except the tail-end.

 

Came with the intention to understand aspects of anxiety. Came out with the knowledge that God (or whatever you might call it) chose to live life through us all. Anxiety fell away from there. Viewing things sub species aeternitatis and what-not. A nice moment when I felt the experiential world like scaffolding, wispy, crowding around, but easily dispersed. 

 

I'll do the same this weekend and see how it goes. I should stop wondering at the strangeness of the world... I know it's strange already. Haha. 


Edited by Guy1298, 21 November 2017 - 10:55 PM.


#18 tailsmcsnails

tailsmcsnails

    Fabric of Time and Dimension

  • Gold VIP
  • 589 posts

Donator


Awards Bar:

Posted 23 November 2017 - 03:42 AM

... I think if you're taking enough to feel it significantly the mushrooms are trying to get their hands on you... they might not be able to scare you into curling up in a ball in pitch black darkness and praying to God and what-not, but they still get their hands on you and your world.

Just observing that that is a really interesting choice of words.  I haven't found the mushroom 'intelligence' to be anything but benign and humorous.  Open armed but detached from my choice to approach or not.  Just if that sense of trying to retain power or control that you express there could be related to some of the difficult experiences you've described?


  • Alder Logs likes this

#19 Alder Logs

Alder Logs

    ૐ शान्तिः शान्तिः शान्तिः ૐ

  • Moderator
  • 12,299 posts

Donator


Awards Bar:

Posted 23 November 2017 - 01:04 PM

This brings to my attention that there is mind, and mind is a fact of this human expression.    Mind, as it expresses, can be a neutral tool, unnamed, or it can be what my master calls, "the psychological mind."    This is the mind that thinks it is an entity in its own right.   We, as the body, are its to drag along into whatever scenarios it congers up.    That believed in entity is what can be forced to squirm when faced with the truth of its having only been its belief in itself as a stand-alone being.   If we keep watching it, and see it from an impersonal vantage, it gets outed, and we start becoming free of its rule over our experience; its taking us from pure presence and off into its ideas of past and future.

 

Like it has been said of mind: "it can be a great servant, or a terrible master."  


Edited by Alder Logs, 23 November 2017 - 01:13 PM.

  • Guy1298 and tailsmcsnails like this

#20 Guy1298

Guy1298

    Mycophage

  • VIP
  • 708 posts

Awards Bar:

Posted 23 November 2017 - 02:05 PM

Tails, I'm not sure. I suppose I make things sound more negative than they are. There are good reasons why I use mushrooms. They really have been the source of love in my life, as well as other psychedelics. And I love the perspective they create. I think the negative word choice was due to the fact that I felt the continual microdosing was not benefitting me and possibly inducing short-lived depressive states. 

 

I think when I first started using mushrooms, I was looking to be overwhelmed. I suppose I carry that with me now too. Who knows? Maybe you're right that trying to retain power or control has worked against me. Could be the setting, as well. But, I'd guess more the mindset. 

 

I've had much more positive and easy-going experiences with LSD, cactus, and Ayahuasca. Mushrooms have been a bit special in their ability to conjure up the deepest fear ever. 


Edited by Guy1298, 23 November 2017 - 02:22 PM.





Like Mycotopia? Become a member today!