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#41 Guy1298

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Posted 01 January 2018 - 12:55 AM

Huge shifts from this one. It seems I've done something right! :)

 

I think I'll explore these changes, maybe not trip next week. But, when I trip again, definitely doing it with a mini-meditation retreat beforehand. 


Edited by Guy1298, 01 January 2018 - 01:01 AM.


#42 Trian3

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Posted 01 January 2018 - 11:28 AM

I just wanted to say I've really been enjoying this thread. The spiritual insights you've had seem almost palpable. Threads like these help one such as myself see the higher rungs of the ladder when in a lower state.

I hope to be able to reap such rewards more directly (as opposed to vicarious experience) soon, but I need to get that first grow under my belt first.

In any case, thanks for having the willingness to share a deeply personal piece of yourself. We're all in this together and your insights provide food for thought which may lead to another insight in another soul on another day.

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


Edited by Trian3, 01 January 2018 - 11:30 AM.

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#43 Guy1298

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Posted 03 January 2018 - 11:07 PM

Thanks for thinking so. You're experience might be very different from mine. Best of luck with it. :).

 

Anyway, noticed that listening to Paul Hedderman almost immediately makes me feel well, almost every time. Can be caught in a self-obsessive hell then listen to him for 30 min and think... huh... I'm fine. It makes me wonder.


Edited by Guy1298, 03 January 2018 - 11:08 PM.

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#44 Guy1298

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Posted 06 January 2018 - 08:35 AM

Well, fuck. 1.5g tonight. Pretty intense. 


Edited by Guy1298, 06 January 2018 - 09:24 AM.


#45 Guy1298

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Posted 06 January 2018 - 01:31 PM

Anyway, I'll let this one process for awhile, sleep on it, dream on it, etc. 


Edited by Guy1298, 06 January 2018 - 07:29 PM.

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#46 Guy1298

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Posted 07 January 2018 - 06:47 AM

My mind is very calm tonight. The trip seems to have produced effects similar to this summer. Not as disconnected from reality at the moment though. I enjoy a clearer recognition that I am not everything that I think I am. From the calmness, I'm able to watch a thought form and express itself and stop it in it's construction. Makes it clear that we're reading a story, so to speak. The story could be read differently... or not at all. 


Edited by Guy1298, 07 January 2018 - 06:50 AM.

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#47 Guy1298

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Posted 08 January 2018 - 11:07 AM

!


Edited by Guy1298, 08 January 2018 - 04:42 PM.


#48 Guy1298

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Posted 08 January 2018 - 11:07 AM

It's pretty nice. Socially it literally feels like a different world. Exactly the sort of shifts I was looking to produce. 

 

It will be seen if anything semi-permanent comes from it.


Edited by Guy1298, 08 January 2018 - 04:43 PM.


#49 Guy1298

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Posted 08 January 2018 - 11:49 PM

:tongue:

 

Thanks for listening guys. I'm going to take a break from writing here for awhile, give it more time to process without too much outside influence. 


Edited by Guy1298, 09 January 2018 - 01:09 AM.

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#50 Guy1298

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Posted 11 January 2018 - 02:23 PM

So, what have I learned from this in this last week? 

 

I think this is something I learned in the summer as well, but I was in a much less grounded state. Last summer there were a few things that I think contributed to the gradual loss of whatever peace I felt. I mistook it for something overly magical, being highly ungrounded. So rather than resting in not being what I appear to be, I sought to be something else in a seemingly and wishfully magical world. From the same, I sought to find understanding of it through the people around me. Either I wanted them to understand the same or to show me that the world is magical. The first is unreasonable. Seeing that you aren't what you think you are is like death, but the death is all in your head and based on fear. I think that fear will keep people from even getting close, even if there isn't anything to really fear. The second is unrealistic until proven otherwise. The world has been weird here and there, but I think it's a trick (for now at least). Strange coincidences, people doing strange things seemingly without reason, people acting and appearing wholly different, and countless more. They are interesting, but for so long as they remain minimal, I'm going to assume that they don't correspond to something real or stable.

 

So those were the mistakes I made with it last time. To reiterate, there is no need to find understanding from others and it is probably wrong to get too expectant of a magical otherness. Instead, I think the peace I feel is letting go. It is seeing my life as not my life, knowing the concept and word "I" to refer to nothing and through it holding the concept of "I" in language, past, and future differently, not pretending that I am really there. It doesn't seem to have much to do with or any need of magic. It feels complete. 

 

It does seem to be fading in and out as the days roll on. Similar to the summer. But, I think I understand how I need to use mushrooms to get at it now which means it's cool. Maybe the recognition won't ever stick. I don't know. But, it beats the hell out of everything else. I'd be happy to find it and lose it again, over and over again. And I'll be pleasantly surprised if I see it stabilize more as time goes on.  :biggrin:



#51 Guy1298

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Posted 11 January 2018 - 03:01 PM

I think when I was at the height of it I looked at my thoughts as completely foreign, to the point where I saw the word "I" as referring to nothing. 

 

I wonder what thoughts you guys have around this. Have you felt the same, did it deepen into something else or stabilize? I'm curious. 

 

I don't think it's going to stabilize for me. I would be willing to bet that it will never stabilize. At this point, having met that relief twice through mushrooms now and once via Ayahuasca, I know at least that it's reproducible and I intend to reproduce it. In any case, I think I'm doing well with the high and not going over the deep end like I did before. I'm happy for that. Surprising too, the trips are way more intense now than they've ever been.

 

I wonder what aspect of the trip brings on these sorts of residual effects. I didn't experience any panic with Ayahuasca. So it shouldn't be the panic. Though mushrooms for whatever reason are good at inducing short-lived panic in me. The summer's trip was forcibly ego-separating because I felt so overwhelmed. In particular the points where I felt that I was looking at myself from elsewhere, simultaneously my body was immersed in soothing pleasure and my body was blending out. This last trip and my time with Ayahuasca produced visions that brought me out of myself so that I could see myself with a pure sort of love. Ayahuasca did it much better to tell you the truth. The mushroom experience was too quick. 

 

I think the feelings are the same across the board though. Ayahuasca produced similar effects, except more highly empathetic. I recall looking at a chicken and feeling that I was it and looking at a chicken tied up and seeing human fear in it's eyes. I assume at the same time, I was feeling the same sorts of calm that I felt after this one. Truly, I'm confused about this stuff. 

 

I can only really trust myself with this sort of stuff. A lot of things to consider.


Edited by Guy1298, 11 January 2018 - 05:49 PM.


#52 Alder Logs

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Posted 11 January 2018 - 08:52 PM

I wonder what thoughts you guys have around this. Have you felt the same, did it deepen into something else or stabilize? I'm curious.

 

Watch and see what is stable and what isn't.  I think it becomes clear that the only thing that remains is the seeing, feeling, knowing of, as it appears in the present.   There is no actual knowing of, when it is of what has come and has just as quickly gone.  

 

When grounding is sensed, what is it that is grounded?  

 

 

Seeing that you aren't what you think you are is like death, but the death is all in your head and based on fear.

 

Can it be seen it is in the attachment to what we think we are where this virtual dying comes from?    What we think we are has none but a virtual life.   What we think we are is actually always in constant change, even if very subtle at times.  At other times we will reform it in a minute if it suits the situation that the idea of what we think we are seemingly finds itself in.   If we keep our seeing of it honest, has it ever been stable?   Has the seeing not been there through it all?  

 

We string bits of remembered ideas of what has been seen in together into our stories.   We are what sees, which is not personal, being here before the first version of a personal story was knit together into personal mind's narrative.   The narrative is what we, as a personally identified thinker, thinks we are.    Once seen through, we can simply continue to watch it from the stable, impersonal seeing.   If judgments arise, they will be of a personal nature, a tension in comparison to an idealized story.   Even this will happen within an impersonal seeing, the isness, where we always have the choice of identifying or not.   Identity needs a past and story.   The seeing needs only being present.

 

Since what is sometimes impersonally seen on the mushrooms can be used to question what is seen in the sober state, can we see the invitation inherent in what the mushrooms show us?   In the realization of the true, nothing can be lost except what is false.   

 

"Whatever is perceived cannot be what is perceiving."

~Huang Po


Edited by Alder Logs, 11 January 2018 - 11:47 PM.

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#53 Guy1298

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Posted 12 January 2018 - 11:20 AM

Thanks for the food for thought Alder. I appreciate the message. 

 

I think I should be a bit critical of these sorts of highs. Beautiful for sure. Attachment to the high is the natural course though. And when the high lets out into neurosis, the world crashes down. The "I" that was far away becomes close again. 

 

I think not-self is definitely a true characteristic of things here. We shouldn't take ourselves so seriously since we are essentially a dream.

 

Maybe if I end up ordained I'll take that idea to its end. But, I think I should relax for now, chill out a bit, do the things I'm seemingly required to do... hopefully carrying a little bit of what I've felt about my essential falseness into how I hold myself from day to day.  


Edited by Guy1298, 12 January 2018 - 03:26 PM.


#54 Guy1298

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Posted 12 January 2018 - 03:24 PM

I've enjoyed the ride. I've noticed that on a high I find no fault in my psychedelic-use. I see a path to God. On a low, I see that I'm literally driving myself crazy. Haha. I have to laugh at it. The highs and lows are totally convincing. I recall in the past calling it the simultaneous realities of the sage and the sociopath. Neither are true, but they are true enough so long as they are taken to be true. 

 

In two weeks to a month, I'll trip again. Until then.


Edited by Guy1298, 12 January 2018 - 03:39 PM.


#55 Guy1298

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Posted 12 January 2018 - 09:27 PM

A further shift tonight. Well, last night drove me into a depressive state which was quite difficult. But, today felt incredibly clear. It isn't a high right now. It's very clear, like insecurity was replaced by security. 

 

I recall the day when I left the Ayahuasca retreat center many years ago. I sat in the boat and felt absolutely fine, totally secure, not high, just perfectly well. This is the same. It isn't based in pleasure. It's security, a more fluent expression of personality, and goodwill solidified. 


Edited by Guy1298, 12 January 2018 - 09:28 PM.


#56 Guy1298

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Posted 14 January 2018 - 02:26 PM

Now, the high has let out into mood swings. Quite untrustworthy in my opinion. 

 

It seems like I'm going to be isolating from various groups of friends in the near future. Focus on what I need to do, the daily routine. Meditation, yoga, productive work, and balancing it with bits of entertainment. My mind is very unclear. A negative mood can push me to the point of wanting to forcefully tell everyone to fuck off. Oh well.

 

The fact that I can undergo completely opposite shifts in mood and perspective is enough to know that it's not what's real. When at one end you want to tell everyone to fuck off with great emotional fervor and on the other end you're like a smiling child with no problems at all, with less than a thought upon which to worry, it's clear. This world isn't real. 

 

I'm thinking that disconnecting is necessary here. Being around other people makes us real. Having people to talk to, a story to tell. But, this is the never-ending story. Haha. A never-ending story that tricks us into thinking its new and that it's not just a story! For now, I think being silent for the purpose of being silent is necessary. 



#57 Guy1298

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Posted 14 January 2018 - 09:24 PM

Past and future are not the case. 


Edited by Guy1298, 14 January 2018 - 09:24 PM.


#58 Guy1298

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Posted 15 January 2018 - 12:19 AM

Much thought.  :biggrin:

 

I think next time I trip like this I'll remember that it leads me into some pretty difficult to handle emotional states. It might require isolation in the future. It's a trip followed by a week to two weeks of insights, highs, mood swings, etc. This is what I was looking for though and I'm sure I'll come out better than I came in. 

 

A break from mushrooms and a break from socialization is necessary here. 

 

A successful experiment.  :meditate: ... except sometimes I'm like this  :mad: ... but sometimes like this  :hug: ... or like this  :deadhorse:.

 

Thanks for listening. 


Edited by Guy1298, 15 January 2018 - 12:39 AM.


#59 Guy1298

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Posted 16 January 2018 - 12:34 AM

Seems like I'm back to baseline. Not high and not low. 

 

One thing I notice is how hard it is to chase insights and highs. I haven't been a positive influence on particular people. I let mood swings come out in relatively innocuous ways, but still I don't think it's cool to bring in that negativity. Things that are relatively simple become 1000x more complex. 

 

I do think there are a couple people that I feel I can express how I really feel about life and that is don't take it seriously. I walk into grad school not caring if I graduate, knowing that what I'm studying doesn't mean much, being willing to fail, and more than happy to move on. To those couple people that is all I express and I think in small ways it has made an impression. 

 

Engaging with people is a real puzzle. I have a lot to learn with regard to having a positive presence. I think sharing too much of your thoughts and experiences and day-to-day can lead into constructing problems which never truly existed. With non-existent problems I can burden others with my presence. Chasing insights and highs is a straight path to neurosis.

 

This is the last I'll write in this thread. When it comes time, I'll have something more to write, hopefully more focused on clarity and a positive presence. The hope too is that I've learned a lesson with regard to chasing insight/highs... don't do it, don't express it, don't expect understanding, etc. Insight is personal and valuable in secret.


Edited by Guy1298, 16 January 2018 - 12:37 AM.


#60 Guy1298

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Posted 16 January 2018 - 11:03 PM

Here's a final thought. 

 

I think I saw it today. A line of thought begins... then there's a process of acting or feeling like the one speaking or generating it. But, today for whatever reason I knew that I wasn't the one speaking it or generating it. Then the line of thought died off immediately. Very calm tonight. 

 

Couldn't say if it goes any deeper than that. And it's likely it will seem different tomorrow. Probably another trick. :). 

 

Anyway, now, this is truly the last I'll write in this thread!  :biggrin:


Edited by Guy1298, 16 January 2018 - 11:05 PM.

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