Recently took 4.5 grams. It wasn't as bad as my first trip (which I still deem as a good trip) but it was still quite punishing. For about 3 or 4 hours, it was fine. I was having a good time and was talking to the "golden teacher". Which does NOT like to be accused of anything, by the way. The problem came with the extreme fear, or anxiety x1000 when the main part of the trip was over. The last 3 hours of the trip, or somewhere in that area. Hard to keep track of time during a big trip. I'm starting to see some kind of pattern here. It seems like they have some kind of wicked afterburn. They come on strong, teach you lessons, and then burn you on the way out.
And man it was punishing. I had to get on tripsit chat and talk to some people just to get the comfort of speaking to another human being. My sanity was slipping again, but I know I won't have the PTSD-like symptoms after this trip like I did last time. Since I've already been there, done that. I guess I've gotten more resistant to it, and perhaps just stronger mentally because of it. But that doesn't make it any fun at all when its actually happening during the trip. Its not worth it. I began once again to question whether I was actually alive, or whether I had died. It did help to think that it didn't really matter either way, that I was still conscious and if I had died, I was somehow still ok. That helped a little bit, but it doesn't give up so easily. It just finds some other way to keep pounding on you.
So I've decided that big trips are just not for me. We apparently don't mix well, and it puts me through so much that I feel that I just don't deserve that kind of treatment. So from now on I just won't be going over 2 grams. Most of the time it will be 0.5 grams or under. I'm considering using them only as medicine that will break me out of my slumps and get me back on track to interacting socially with other people and not being depressed. Which normally I'm not, but I do have a tendency to fall back into those bad habits every once in awhile. So I'm swearing off big trips, they're just not worth it. I dare say I've given them their fair shake.
Another bad thing about the big trips is that for the next few days, you're kind of foggy and don't think so good. You feel somewhat drained and its kind of hard to be productive in that state. I find that I can't really do all that much that involves greater cognitive activity. So for me that is a pretty big downer. I don't like being incapacitated for so long.