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no such thing as one drink tufty


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#1 tuftygrasses

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Posted 27 January 2018 - 06:19 AM

This is a pre trip report! Tomorrow ill take a couple of grams with friends. But i like to set the tone of how i will become a slightly better me even with a low dose.

Im toying with the idea of declaring myself an alcoholic. Actually i have been for a few years but never quite got there...
People seem to find it helpful though.

A few weeks ago i was well rested and pretty stable. A little anxious about the future and money but ok.

I had a couple of drinks out for dinner with a friend. I felt ok the next day.
A few days later i had a few more with friends. When they left i drank everything available and scratched around the shit in the bottom of my tub for something to smoke.
The next day i wasnt just anxious i was grumpy and sad.

The sad didnt really leave and seemed to reach its deepest pit in the evenings as i get ready to go home to an empty house for the first time in years.

The freaky weed dosnt help the dark thoughts either.

In less than 14 days ive gone from pretty ok to lonely and pessimistic. Empties, half cooked half eaten food upturned and mixed with tobacco and broken glass.
You Never Wash Up After Yourself style.


I know from experience this hole will take me at least a week to climb out of. This point i must remember. When a quick drink and a smoke sounds good. It pains me to say it but theres no such thing as one. Just chew on that a while tufty.
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#2 Phineas_Carmichael

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Posted 27 January 2018 - 10:19 AM

I hear you tufty.  Thank you for sharing with us.

 

The difference between a "drunk" and an "alcoholic" is that "alcoholics" go to meetings and that's the hardest thing about declaring yourself an alcoholic, amiright?

 

I too know the struggle of waking up to a mountain of empties and just pushing it aside because it's time for work, only to add to the mountain after work because cleaning up the crushingly empty house is less important than getting to sleep because work is so soul-crushing.  Waking up to an open jar of salad dressing on the bathroom sink with no idea how it got there, finding broken glass in your shoes on the way out the door, giant messes in the kitchen with barely nibbled grilled cheese sandwiches congealing on the counter, and neighbors asking if you're okay with no memory of why they would ask that...

 

hear you.

 

Just chew on it (with your sober brain and your altered brain) for a while, only you can decide what you need.  We're here for you if you feel like you can chat with strangers on the Internet. PM me if this is too personal for the open boards...

 

Here's hoping you have a great time with the mushrooms! I'll be sending you vibes.

 

We're all pulling for you; keep your stick on the ice brother. 


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#3 Alder Logs

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Posted 27 January 2018 - 11:38 AM

Bad habits aren't bad until they are habits.   

 

Keep talking to us.    The truth you embrace out of knowing, not judgment, inside your heart is the light you can follow to yourself, the free spirit.   If there is a shit story playing about some idea of a 'me' that gets you down, see it's just a story.  

 

What is recovered in recovery?    Is it what's t/here before we came up with our story?   

 

When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.


Edited by Alder Logs, 27 January 2018 - 11:47 AM.

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#4 tuftygrasses

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Posted 28 January 2018 - 04:16 AM

Yes all of that! Bruises of unknown origin, checking your phone to see if you said anything horrific to anyone.
Thank you guys. I didnt expect such a response. I nearly didnt write it.

Im a crossroads. Ive got opportunities. A new career i love, a man who wants to commit, im healthy and when i look after myself happier and more content than i have ever been. Now its time to do all those nice things i think: i dont know how to and wont be any good at it. So lets make some chaos and fuck it all up again then i can stay as i am!

For a long time ive always been working my arse off towards when I'll live the life i want. Now im here i realise postopning it until this until that was more comfortable.

So the counter begins again. 1 night under my belt with no booze no weed no codeine no nicotine. Im up early. I have one cleint and enough time to tidy up this stink pit before the girls come over. Its a rainy morning but still a nice day for a trip.
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#5 scott_1971_h

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Posted 21 February 2018 - 05:59 AM

This is a pre trip report! Tomorrow ill take a couple of grams with friends. But i like to set the tone of how i will become a slightly better me even with a low dose.

Im toying with the idea of declaring myself an alcoholic. Actually i have been for a few years but never quite got there...
People seem to find it helpful though.

A few weeks ago i was well rested and pretty stable. A little anxious about the future and money but ok.

I had a couple of drinks out for dinner with a friend. I felt ok the next day.
A few days later i had a few more with friends. When they left i drank everything available and scratched around the shit in the bottom of my tub for something to smoke.
The next day i wasnt just anxious i was grumpy and sad.

The sad didnt really leave and seemed to reach its deepest pit in the evenings as i get ready to go home to an empty house for the first time in years.

The freaky weed dosnt help the dark thoughts either.

In less than 14 days ive gone from pretty ok to lonely and pessimistic. Empties, half cooked half eaten food upturned and mixed with tobacco and broken glass.
You Never Wash Up After Yourself style.


I know from experience this hole will take me at least a week to climb out of. This point i must remember. When a quick drink and a smoke sounds good. It pains me to say it but theres no such thing as one. Just chew on that a while tufty.

Been there before. No kwik fixes I'm afraid, maybe see a doc and get yourself checked out. In terms of bodily effects alcohol is an f/n nightmare. Have you ever been to an AA meeting? I know several people who found it helpful (and an equal number who didn't) but you never know if you never go.

Blackouts are pretty much THE red flag for problem drinking, whether you call that alcoholism or not. Depression afterward too.

Sounds like mush without the malt for tufty for a while.



#6 pharmer

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Posted 21 February 2018 - 08:05 AM

If using mushrooms is just another way to get inebriated I hope you'll not do the shrooms.

 

If you want to trip once or twice to ask for an explanation of WHY you're wanting to be inebriated there's no harm in that.

 

You need to get at the WHY.

 

Until then you'll just be rinse/repeating the familiar pattern.

 

My ex, not someone I'd wish on a bad man, did one good thing for me by asking this question "Why can't you have a good time without drinking?"  That thought was the beginning of the turnaround for me. Not soon enough but much better late than never. In all seriousness - if you won't get yourself out of the rinse/repeat cycle you shouldn't bring your good man into a commitment. That's asking too much.


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#7 scott_1971_h

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Posted 21 February 2018 - 08:46 AM

I might just add on a few other people's posts, stopping the bad habit is more like discovery than recovery. I was always amazed how alcohol created a cloud that only lifted when I stopped. You might be pleasantly surprised how you are thinking in a few months. Clarity. Concentrate on the shrooms if anything they increase clarity...


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#8 tuftygrasses

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Posted 21 February 2018 - 08:51 AM

Thanks Scott and Pharmer.
Im always worried about meeting people i have worked with at AA. And theres the saying im powerless thing. Im not sure about that. But i do think peer support is a massive help.

Ive only micro dosed in the last few weeks. I gave away my smoking box which also helps to keep me away from booze beacuse what is drinking without smoking! And buying the tobacco kit again for a few roll ups is £15! I gave away all but some cbd oil ive only used occasionally for anxiety. Im still drinking a lot of coffee in the morning but thats my only current dependence.

The why. Is something ive wondered for a while. The answer is usually something like continuing to be maximum chaos is a great way to avoid getting on with my life.

The man is still drinking. I feel a bit like one of those dicks who stops smoking and becomes really militant about it..but..
Ive asked him not to contact me when hes waisted. Though its been quite illuminating being the sober one with a drunk partner. And ive been reflecting on the many times ive been a horrible cunt.

So no booze no drugs and no sex but im enjoying the current projects im working on. Im active and going to classes or eating with friends in the evening.

When life seems like something i cant do i just need to jump in and do it anyway. And just keep going in that direction. .keep going keep going..
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#9 scott_1971_h

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Posted 21 February 2018 - 09:20 AM

Thanks Scott and Pharmer.
Im always worried about meeting people i have worked with at AA. And theres the saying im powerless thing. Im not sure about that. But i do think peer support is a massive help.

Ive only micro dosed in the last few weeks. I gave away my smoking box which also helps to keep me away from booze beacuse what is drinking without smoking! And buying the tobacco kit again for a few roll ups is £15! I gave away all but some cbd oil ive only used occasionally for anxiety. Im still drinking a lot of coffee in the morning but thats my only current dependence.

The why. Is something ive wondered for a while. The answer is usually something like continuing to be maximum chaos is a great way to avoid getting on with my life.

The man is still drinking. I feel a bit like one of those dicks who stops smoking and becomes really militant about it..but..
Ive asked him not to contact me when hes waisted. Though its been quite illuminating being the sober one with a drunk partner. And ive been reflecting on the many times ive been a horrible cunt.

So no booze no drugs and no sex but im enjoying the current projects im working on. Im active and going to classes or eating with friends in the evening.

When life seems like something i cant do i just need to jump in and do it anyway. And just keep going in that direction. .keep going keep going..

The powerless thing is referring to alcohol: "Came to believe we were powerless over alcohol, and that our lives had become unmanagable". And if you have a mental image of your house after the binge you might find that quote is ... accurate.


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#10 tuftygrasses

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Posted 21 February 2018 - 09:49 AM

This is true. Its not like when i buy two cans im thinking:
Great. I one week from now im hoping to be surrounded in flith contemplating the most low drama ways to die.

It just kind of unfolds. .

Edited by tuftygrasses, 21 February 2018 - 09:49 AM.

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#11 niemandgeist

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Posted 23 February 2018 - 10:53 PM

I got into the unhealthy habit of drinking every day for several years. It started out with 2 beers every day, then it went to 4 every day or night. I gained so much weight after all of that time. It got to the point where I'd sometimes drink 6 beers to get really plastered, but at least that wasn't a regular occurrence. I'd go walk to a liquor store and buy beer, then later on walk to another place buzzed and get more. At least I was walking.

 

I started to feel kind of dirty showing up every day and buying my beer. I felt guilty going to more than one liquor store in a day.

 

The scary thing is that for quite a while I didn't really see this as a problem.

 

I wasn't doing much with my life at that time. For a 3-year period I wasn't even working, just living with a family member and uncertain what I should even do with my life.

 

I eventually managed to curb my drinking significantly. I still enjoy beer, but now that I've lost so much weight and have been having better sleep, better energy, and just feel so much better not doing that every day/night it's easier to save it for once or twice a week. Without such a large tolerance from regular drinking it's much more pleasurable when I do drink and even easier to stick to a limit that I set for myself.

 

I don't want to allow myself to become an every day drinker again. I know that it would only be a matter of time before that could become something even worse. It can happen slowly, but it can surely happen. All it takes is having a bad week and deciding "What the hell?" and drinking to cope or escape then, before you know it, you're doing it every day even when things start going well. Your tolerance goes up so you drink more, and then it all just keeps getting worse.

 

I like fitting into my clothes again. I can finally fit back into jeans I couldn't fit into just one year ago. I've had all of these nice winter shirts and stuff that, for a while, didn't fit me very well and now they're fitting me great and I don't have to buy new ones. I've lost around 30 pounds just from not drinking 4 beers every damned night every freaking week.

 

I remember when I could go out and buy a glass of red wine and drink the whole thing. I don't even want to think about how sick I'd get if I tried that now.

 

For me I won't go over 4 beers/drinks if I do decide to enjoy myself with alcohol. I wouldn't want to risk getting to the point where I didn't want to stick to that limit or to the point again where even 4 beers didn't do much for me.


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#12 onediadem

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Posted 24 February 2018 - 01:02 AM

I watched two friends slowly kill themselves with alcohol. It isn't pretty, and it's very painful. I am glad you checked yourself, and are feeling better. Well done!



#13 scott_1971_h

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Posted 24 February 2018 - 04:00 AM

I know from experience this hole will take me at least a week to climb out of. This point i must remember. When a quick drink and a smoke sounds good. It pains me to say it but theres no such thing as one. Just chew on that a while tufty.

And people who say "One wont hurt"... I now reply with "It wont help, either"...



#14 tuftygrasses

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Posted 24 February 2018 - 08:49 AM

Yes niem i was beginning to alternate which shops i bought booze in cus i was ashamed.

Than you one :)

Yeah Scott. Its a tough one. My culture loves to drink. The only people who dont drink are offical alcoholics. Ive been looking for an example of a time drink improved my life. Im struggling to find one. I feel like avoiding night out just now. I have for a while. Ive not mastered being sober in a crowd of drunks yet. Seems like lunches or dance classes make me less anxious. I met my friend for a pub dinner last night.
I got anxious as i walked in. I imagined buying a drink on a whim, drinking a few more nights, feeling anxious and sad all week..i had to catch myself!

#15 scott_1971_h

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Posted 27 February 2018 - 07:59 AM

Yes niem i was beginning to alternate which shops i bought booze in cus i was ashamed.

Than you one :)

Yeah Scott. Its a tough one. My culture loves to drink. The only people who dont drink are offical alcoholics. Ive been looking for an example of a time drink improved my life. Im struggling to find one. I feel like avoiding night out just now. I have for a while. Ive not mastered being sober in a crowd of drunks yet. Seems like lunches or dance classes make me less anxious. I met my friend for a pub dinner last night.
I got anxious as i walked in. I imagined buying a drink on a whim, drinking a few more nights, feeling anxious and sad all week..i had to catch myself!

OK, an AA meeting is a good place to find people who really can live lives and socialise without drinking. Quite apart from whether you continue going or not. I 'did' meetings for that (all my old friends were out of control alcoholics)

Its hard being sober in a room of drunks because even non-alcoholics behave like total dicks when drinking... Maybe avoid places where people are drinking (or leave parties when you start getting the 'I'll just have one' thoughts)



#16 Alder Logs

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Posted 27 February 2018 - 09:51 AM

Club soda with a twist of lime, and it looks like you are playing along.   I got a rep for being honest, so I got asked if I wanted a bartender job.   I declined, for the same reason I never played music for money in a bar.   When the assholes show up, I want to be free to leave, not being paid to be there.   While I only quit drinking altogether (the last time) two and a half years ago, I haven't been in a bar for a couple decades.   Every time I have quit drinking, things cleared up.   I was amazed to see that even when my level was at two beers a day, when I quit, a fog lifted.


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#17 GORF

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Posted 27 February 2018 - 10:25 AM

I understand your struggle and have been through it myself. I also buried my best friend due to his drinking. He was 42, and looked like he was 85 when he passed from organ failure.

For the depression, I might be able to help. Read this and then Google up more like it. It worked for me. Maybe it will help you too

https://www.ncbi.nlm...les/PMC2908269/
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#18 scott_1971_h

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Posted 28 February 2018 - 05:33 AM

I understand your struggle and have been through it myself. I also buried my best friend due to his drinking. He was 42, and looked like he was 85 when he passed from organ failure.

For the depression, I might be able to help. Read this and then Google up more like it. It worked for me. Maybe it will help you too

https://www.ncbi.nlm...les/PMC2908269/

Due to being 'socially acceptable' (isnt that a quaint phrase, considering...) and because of the anxiolytic effects, people discount and minimise the huge problems that also come along with this drug. And its everywhere. But when you pick up one end of a stick, the other end comes as well. Alcohol is one hell of a problem child.



#19 tuftygrasses

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Posted 28 February 2018 - 06:11 AM

Leaving before things get wierd is a good tip. I was always in the last little group at parties. But i do like to wake up early these days.
Id like to be able to go dancing with some mdma. But is that possible. Probably depends on the crowd. Not a question that needs to be answered any tine soon. Im enjoying sobriety. Just black tea now.
The fog is much better. Emotiins dont last as long and arent as strong.
Sorry to hear about your friend gorf.
Yes ive taken mushroom vitamin d extract for 3 winters now. I do think it makes a difference. Going to the tropics for a few weeks probably does more though :)
Yes its funny falling out with your friends and throwing up on your shoes is normal!

#20 Alder Logs

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Posted 28 February 2018 - 09:40 AM

I cued this video up at a place I always look forward to when I watch this movie, which I do once a year.    Perhaps this is the best movie explanation of karma ever made.   We can get off any wheel we have found ourselves on, once it sinks in.

 

 

"That about sums it up for me."

 

[Direct Link]


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