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i watched myself forget myself in the snow

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#1 tuftygrasses



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Posted 02 March 2018 - 12:27 PM

We have had a lot of snow days lately. Ive been working every day so haven'tripped or microdosed. So another snow day and everything cancelled i seized the opportunity. Text my friend. Figured out how to reach each other through the wild weather and brewed the tea. And i walked out into the chilly air.

I was up for it. I downed my whole bottle chunks and all. Ready for the weird breathing that would result.

We chatted about girls and boys and jobs and holidays as we walked away from town.
The snow began to contrast. White with deeper blue definition in the foot steps ahead.

We walked under a bridge and the sound of the river and birds echoed. The icicles we walked under where a fascination. Then i knew it was coming.

"Oh heres that feeling that im dying. I knew this would be intense. But its ok. I know now death doesn't happen. By the way we are not going to get home before im fucked."

"Yeah i can tell" my friend says.
We keep talking. Sit in a snow drift in the sun until another snow flurry comes. The slope brilliant white with distortion dancing above.

As we walk a little harder my breathing is shallow and it kicks in.

Ive seen this before. Once before i had reflected on how im not:
my stuff, not my job, my thoughts, my memories, i realised im not my emotions. Not even my body. Im all thats left and thats everything else. Experinces are just are just passing through. It was like deconstructing a house from the roof down. And i realised i am not the bricks or the foundations. Im the earth it stands apon and that earth is infinaely deep and wide.

It was like that. But sudden. Acute. I was trying to tell my friend about my weekend but i couldnt talk. I was trying to say to him.
"I cant, the words are broken i cant make words. I wonder if this is what its like to have a stroke" i joke. "Maybe i am!"

I looked across the river and it came in a moment. It lasted a moment but i could still go back and see it.

I was gone. Me. All the things that made me where gone. I had forgotten myself. I had no language to describe myself. All of me had fallen off like a loose dressing gown falling to the floor and leaving me naked.

My mind snapped back. Recoiling in fear at what it might mean to loose me. Psychosis? I could see how that could happen to some.

But i haddnt been gone. Because i had observed it. I had watched it happen. And i had seen the river and heard my friends footsteps. Was this what animals saw? No thoughts, no words, or past or future. Just open experience.

I can see my friend can see something in me. He chats about the park trying to keep me focussed. but i cant answer. I force out an explanation.
"When i try to make words they dont come. I know but cant say. When i hear the words i do say they mean nothing to me".

We get home and strip of our wet stuff wobbling around laughing about trying to pull off my boots. I end up in bed. My safe place. For a short time. Gradually my words return and i say what happened. He also finds it hard to talk and hard to follow. I can think but can say less.

We talk more like we usually do. Sex, life, politics and purpose. We talk about the worlds impression of my culture.

Imperial war mongers making money by blowing the shit out of his country. We have often talked about the state of the world and culture.

But in that moment i look into his face as we talk about his home becoming the epicentre of hell. I see a deep chasm. I feel a sadness that will last 300 years. He is flat too and goes for a smoke. I lay under the blanket with pain in my chest.

The sadness is mixed with compassion and the desire to help. Though i cant. I tell him to come lay on the floor so i can hug him. I have to tell him im sorry i cant make it better. He dosnt care he says. As he does. Thats him. Back to normal. and i say "thats ok you can not care and i will".

The new mission for him is getting weed delivered in a blizzard. The sadness stays with me. I wonder if its for any good purpose. We chat on the floor and i find some thc oil for him. I wonder. What happened there. Is that vicarious trauma? Does it help for me to hold some of his pain?

Its still here. All of it. It was interesting and sometines difficult. I would do it again. What a kaleidoscope of experience we are capable of. I wonder how i will be a week from now.

Edited by tuftygrasses, 02 March 2018 - 12:38 PM.

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#2 Alder Logs

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Posted 02 March 2018 - 05:12 PM


...what it might mean to loose me.


When it was not busy being 'me,' what was it? 



Ive seen this before. Once before i had reflected on how im not:
my stuff, not my job, my thoughts, my memories, i realised im not my emotions. Not even my body. Im all thats left and thats everything else. Experinces are just are just passing through. It was like deconstructing a house from the roof down. And i realised i am not the bricks or the foundations.


When I had such a vision while straight, it was not so easy for my 'me' to return to the reigns.   When it did try to rule by setting itself up as me, it could never be taken so seriously again.  Let it be there.  It's not truly me.   It only thinks it is.  It has no other way to see it.   It's an idea having an idea.   Ideas of what is, cannot be what is. 



I loved your report because of that wonderful description of what is, seen so clearly by knowing what is not.   When I, the person is either gone, or in its proper perspective, what is remains.    I am that, even if it is not a thing.   While it can be known, it is not something known.    More just knowing happening.

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#3 tuftygrasses



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Posted 03 March 2018 - 02:48 AM

Its a hard thing to put into language. Words like vast or expansive only go so far. Its not somthing i can explain as a concept for someone who hasnt experinced it will be able to conceive. You can only experience it for yourself.

I know it is significant. Like when i realised im bigger on the inside. By dropping into my soma i realised i went on forever. "Im bigger in the inside, infinaely vast. Im a tardis connected to all that exists" i chirped.

Well this was another realisation that will stick with me.

And the vicarious trauma or whatever that was.
As soon as i woke up today i knew i felt a lot better. That deep sadness is still in my chest and i still have the image of his eyes filling with pain. But its less.

That was the most (4.2g) i had taken outwith the safety of my bed and the most i had taken in company.

I was feeling quiet responsible but it takes two people to make a relationship.
I wanted to tell him to come and lay in bed with me. Be beside me quietly. Relax and take it in. I didnt ask him because i didnt have the language capability to explain it and it not be a sex thing.

Actually i dont think he could have lain in bed long. Hes a live wire. Got to be talking or smoking. And thats the way he is comfortable operating.

We where talking about not having words in your head. He always does. Always has something he can say. I was saying if i have a lot of words in my head im usually anxious. If i have none then that is peace. This was not anything that had ever occuered to him. So i guess just laying in bed watching the ceiling would have been pretty hard work for him.

In hindsight i could have moved the speakers through to the bedroom before i went to find him so we could have easily crsshed into bed when we got home. That would have been a smoother transition from snow to house.

I dont know if im a buzz kill. Im introspective. I have a habit. Because of my job of taking someone to an uncharted place in a few sentences. Which i have largely been able to stop. Because people want a friend not a professional. But sometimes it slips out.

The thing is. He must have liked talking with me when we tripped in the past because he kept asking me when are we going to trip. I kept saying i didnt have time but he was welcone to take the megic tub and enjoy himself.

That is indeed a lot of thinking. And thinking is a bad habit.
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#4 Alder Logs

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Posted 03 March 2018 - 12:14 PM

I think each expression of this human life thingy will have their own unique pathway to discovery.   Most will see the vastness, but only when it opens to them.  We, having our unique vantage from our body/mind conditioned view of experience, cannot assume it is a one-size-fits-all deal.  I think I learned early on with acid and mushrooms both, that everyone is on their own trip, though it seems that some seeing is seemingly shared at times.   I think the whole of what arises in perception is the 'seemingly' so.  Only the perceiving, being always present, is the stable element.   What the seeing sees is only what can change.   Anything that can come, will go.


Even what we have seen, when called up in memory, is changed, while the memory itself can only arise in present perception. There is only one now, and in which all possible points of perception seem to fill in the vastness.   We might see inside as the vastness itself, but brought back to our personal 'position,' we must leave other personal points to their own.    Any idea of sharing an experience of unity goes away with the forgetting of my personal self.  When 'I' disappear, 'other' disappears.  The idea of self can't be there, nor can any other such self.  We can't say, "I want infinity, and I want it this way, just like this."   It's like nailing Jello to a tree.  To be what is, is to leave behind being what isn't. 


We can choose to be what we seem to be, or we can forget that (or dismiss it) and entertain that as we become less our conditioned notions of self, we realize that we are actually that vastness of perceiving that remains as the seemingly so falls away.   The false is forgotten, yet its image remains in view.   We find our unity, not by focusing on expressions of otherness coming to see what we see, but by allowing what is to be what is.   In what is, what isn't does not sustain.   The changing continues to change.  


Believe me, I know how hard it is for a world saver.   My expression holds that imprint.   It became my conditioning, taking on that responsibility.    But, that's not who and what I am.  I am freedom, with nothing to be free from.    I would not have entertained the vastness had I not been it.   If I was it, I always was it.   It's funny, all this, <^v>, all we see, fits into the vastness.   If something does not want to let it be, that something can also be seen.  


Huang Po says, "What is seen cannot be seeing."

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#5 riseabovethought


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Posted 03 March 2018 - 01:15 PM

Im going to see if I can find a big fish and bring it back.

Looks like you did real good here.  I have to remember to return over and over

to where I am, as opposed to where it is.  I really love how you said you are not all of those things...leaving precisely 

what we are.  

I am

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#6 Guy1298



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Posted 08 March 2018 - 08:42 PM

Strange world this is. Thanks for sharing. It seems like a very nice experience. 

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#7 Coopdog



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Posted 09 March 2018 - 02:59 AM

Amazing how humbling these pursuits can be. Sounded like a beautiful experience to me. I am rather envious as it seems like I might never have time and circumstance to trip again at this point in my life and I NEED it like air. Life has been entirely too fucking real here. I sure wish I had some mushrooms so I could do it and not waste a whole weekend but have not had the time nor energy to devote to fulfilling that desire. Sure need a little mental reset here for sure.



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#8 tuftygrasses



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Posted 09 March 2018 - 04:38 PM

It was a big one. Took several days to feel normal again. I bought some cbd which seemed to ground me. Ive seen my friend since and all is well. He had a funny time this week mind you. But didnt connect it to the trip.

I have thought. If i can surrender to the feeling of impending death and knowing i just lost everything but not being able to remember what that everything was im pretty sure i can deal with lifes annoyances.

I was thinking how i interpret trips. As you say alder we have our individual spin on things. I never see aliens. Ive never spent much time studying them. Eastern philosophy however ive given years of my life to. No wonder i make sense of trips in a non dual fashion.

Surely the next time im due a super smooth euphoric flying carpet ride. After that one :)

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