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#1 Guy1298

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Posted 16 March 2018 - 12:46 AM

I suppose I'm going to do a high dose in the summer. Maybe 5g.

 

It's been awhile. In the past couple weeks, I saw my sense of self drop entirely at various times. And what I found in it was bliss and a knowledge that everything is perfectly fine. Without a self to refer to, all of reality takes it's place. It was convincing, very very convincing, and the bliss was real bliss.

 

I might try to camp out in that bliss and non-identification. I won't take a high dose if I can't manage myself very well for the next few months. I have no intention of changing what I've been doing now, meditating daily, microdosing, low doses on Fridays. But, I do ask that I don't hold any major regrets coming into this potential summer trip. Basically, I ask that I'm careful about other habits, how I interact with friends, how I think about people, general negativity, etc. Ideally, I would like to walk into the trip with the bliss I've found in these last few weeks. 

 

Out of this trip, I hope to understand what I should be up to. I could probably camp out in that bliss... actually I know I can. But, that bliss gives no direction, it tells me there's nothing to do. I suppose as well, in the next few months I will also have a chance to engage with it more and see if there truly is nothing to do. If there is, then okay. But, if it still seems necessary that I take a large trip, which I don't think will be like anything I've ever experienced, then I will. In any case, it will at least mark an overcoming of fear which I think is necessary. 

 

Well, that's the gist of it. Thanks for listening to my plans. 


Edited by Guy1298, 16 March 2018 - 12:48 AM.

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#2 Guy1298

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Posted 16 March 2018 - 01:12 AM

This plan is primarily the result of meditation, being unconcentrated, and thinking for whatever reason that it was necessary. Who's to say whether it will happen. I tend to make plans that never come to pass.  :biggrin:



#3 Guy1298

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Posted 17 March 2018 - 12:04 AM

Well, low dose tonight like usual. 

 

From this experience, I cannot see a reason to continue with last night's decision. No point, as far as I can tell. Nothing to do. If happiness is staring me in the face why should I imagine some greater thing? I'm crazy, that's why. 

 

Maybe never-mind for now.   :tongue:


Edited by Guy1298, 17 March 2018 - 02:10 AM.


#4 Guy1298

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Posted 17 March 2018 - 01:36 AM

Nuts.  :chucks:


Edited by Guy1298, 17 March 2018 - 01:43 AM.


#5 Guy1298

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Posted 17 March 2018 - 01:59 AM

I suppose I'll write about this tiny experience. 

 

It was immediately blissful. Spending a lot of time recognizing silence. Letting the mind rest. 

 

Very loving too. There were some visuals, not crisp because it was so low. I remember seeing a woman fall into me, into a fetal position and melt away. I felt masculine and feminine, incredible love, like a real home. If I recall there was a moment when reality sat upon something unaffected, simultaneously there was warmth, warmth, and love, body sensations melting away. :).

 

I might still go for a high dose trip, but it will be hard for me to convince myself it's necessary if this keeps up. Or maybe, if it keeps up, it's a good reason to visit a high dose. This bliss is showing me that something is on track that was off track, it would at least be interesting to look deeper. If the bliss naturally leads me to a high dose, I will. If not, I won't. 


Edited by Guy1298, 17 March 2018 - 02:08 AM.


#6 Alder Logs

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Posted 17 March 2018 - 09:25 AM

Just a caution to not identify with states of being.  Don't ask me how I know.   :-)

 

Keep inquiring as to whom it is who has the states.  These all arise in awareness. 

 

Does the awareness that's already on the scene have any stake in what arises?  

 

If it seems like the state makes the man, that's the mental state making something of itself, writing for itself another story point.  Then, as these things go, it will have its something to maintain.   

 

You are the awareness in which it all happens.   It takes no effort to be what you are.  It can take a little effort at first to spot old habits.


Edited by Alder Logs, 17 March 2018 - 09:27 AM.

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#7 Guy1298

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Posted 17 March 2018 - 02:16 PM

Thanks for the caution. 

 

It is mixed up. Sometimes I see that I'm not of time, what comes before and after not me even slightly, not something I have anything to do with. Not even something that such a realization can affect, though it appears to be affecting it. Seeing that you're not of any of it, yields a conviction that no matter how much you appear to be of it, you are not of it. Convincing. 

 

The bliss is possibly a trick. When the story of me has been seen through, bliss arises to make me attentive and identity with it again? It gives me an idea so beautiful that I can't look away and I must take the idea to be mine because it is apparently the most incredible idea. That is, the existence of God as an idea. But, since it is an idea it can be rejected and lost in time. So, something to maintain, I guess. And as soon as I'm taken by it, I will lose it, just like the summer. An odd thing in this is that everything weaves together perfectly, when the blissful idea of God arises it weaves into what's happening demonstrating to you that it is real, then when the idea ceases the critical perspective weaves into reality showing you that it was totally false. In that at least, I know that I am lost in my ideas. 

 

Strange and confusing, certainly. I did come across the Ashtavakra Samhita. Paul Hedderman is a mix of Advaita Vedanta in the case of his interest in Ramana and Zen in his case of interest in Buddhism. Maybe, Zen is talking about the same thing as Advaita Vedanta. Zen talks about the One which I think is contrary to Early Buddhism. But, early Buddhism had an emphasis on not-self, and there is the teaching of the raft. The teaching is a raft to get to the other side, something you drop there. So, not-self in early Buddhism could lead to the same thing. In as much as seeing not-self leads one to intuit the Self (as in Advaita Vedanta). It's a wonder. 

 

I do appreciate the caution. The more times I see it, the clearer it is that I'm not of time, a real "nothing to do," because I'm not the doer. 


Edited by Guy1298, 17 March 2018 - 03:00 PM.

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#8 Guy1298

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Posted 17 March 2018 - 10:13 PM

So, I talk about seeing that I'm not in time. But, the step isn't made at that point. I'm knowing that I knew that I'm not in time and I look at time feeling that I am in time, but knowing that I knew that I wasn't. That's how it seems to be lost. But, knowing that you're not in time is knowing that you're not in time. I think the difference is too subtle. 



#9 Alder Logs

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Posted 17 March 2018 - 11:01 PM

It's simple if you see that nothing is known.   Look at anything you think you know and honestly inquire; do I know this?   This was something that hit me like a sledge hammer when I saw that what I thought I was was really just a story I had about a 'me.'   When that personal identity was outed as a million conceptualized ideas, memories, experiences, it became quite clear I was none of those things.   It was all just information of a sort, and the nature of information is that it is incomplete.   I had come to a present seeing and what was being seen had nothing that objectification could add any substance to.   As one might be speechless at a realization, my own mind's voice became for a time, wordless.   A wonderful quieted state settled in, as my inner dialog was dumbfounded.   

 

That state carried the feeling of great peace, silence, love, and was blissful, seen in contrast to most of what had come before.  Here is where the mental state seized its opportunity by claiming these wonderful feeling states as its identity.    Mooji recognizes how these feeling states go with the dissolution of personal identity and gave me the caution, telling me these states are simply the perfumes of awakening.    I thought the initial seeing that induced these states was the new me.   I was taking the gift of this impersonal seeing and objectifying it.  My developing state based identity tripped itself up very quickly, and in that, doubts began to arise in the new bullshit me.    It was only in putting myself into the care and guidance of a master that I came to seeing the simplicity of being.  

 

If one wants out from the control of one's mental state, one must only see that one is the peace and freedom, and to seek these is to allow the mental state to tell you you aren't it.   It's like Hedderman says, "you can't get into the moment because you've never been out of the moment."    There is the 'traveling lighter.'   Like falling in love, there may be the fireworks, but they aren't it.   If you seek the fireworks, you're going to fall right back out of love.   Seeing you are what you are looking for is to become desireless.   Everything still happens, but you have what your heart has always wanted, no matter what is showing on the screen at any given time.   You still like and dislike what you naturally like and dislike, but you see you are not any of that passing stuff.  The stuff is in time, but the true Self has never been in time.

 

Namasté, brother.   Enjoy your self. 


Edited by Alder Logs, 17 March 2018 - 11:21 PM.

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#10 Guy1298

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Posted 18 March 2018 - 03:02 PM

The perspective revived itself last night. Always surprising.

 

If I do take a high dose in the future, I'll post about it here. 



#11 Guy1298

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Posted 19 March 2018 - 07:46 PM

Truly incredible. 

 

Awake to what? It seems to me that it's to be awake to flawlessness. Life, death, meaning, meaninglessness, time, self, other... all of it an illusion. 

 

I remember after my trip to Peru asking a friend "Why am I not the Buddha?" The question seemed relevant and the answer that moved under the surface was "I am the Buddha." She didn't understand the question or why I found it so relevant. 

 

Nothing to do. I suppose it is to eternally rest in the midst of a potential story of unrest. One moment for me seems like nothing, one moment for something out of time is eternal peace. 



#12 Alder Logs

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Posted 19 March 2018 - 08:41 PM

BTW, at the point I was identifying with the exalted states' feelings, and I got the warning from the master, I was on the thin edge of a messianic complex kind of path.   That's what happens if the ego succeeds in claiming the fruits of the what is.   So, be the seeing seeing.   It has no name, no attributes.   All arises in it and what more could the seeing want?   It is simply the way, and we cannot know any of it but the here and now of it, and this has no adequate description, and any attempt could not but degrade it.   This leaves only being. 


Edited by Alder Logs, 19 March 2018 - 08:44 PM.

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#13 Guy1298

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Posted 20 March 2018 - 12:19 AM

Thanks again for sharing and the advice.

It doesn't look like I'm headed in the direction of a messianic complex at the moment, but I've seen my mind go that direction before. I'll keep it in mind.

Like you asked "Does the awareness that's already on the scene have any stake in what arises?" I think it's easy to see what we want to see and miss good advice. Similarly, it's easy to miss what this perspective says. For me, it always looked like absolute nonsense, until it didn't. What we see and understand is a mystery.


Edited by Guy1298, 20 March 2018 - 12:21 AM.

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#14 Guy1298

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Posted 20 March 2018 - 11:17 PM

An intense ride. It will be good to sleep tonight. 

 

Your advice seems more applicable today. 


Edited by Guy1298, 20 March 2018 - 11:19 PM.


#15 Guy1298

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Posted 20 March 2018 - 11:54 PM

This is where the mind gets funny.

 

The mind wants problems. By mind is meant, everything that I see. 


Edited by Guy1298, 21 March 2018 - 12:11 AM.


#16 Guy1298

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Posted 21 March 2018 - 11:28 AM

I think things are a bit more clear now. I have never not been the witness of a story. It is actually impossible for me to act through me. Attempting to explain why it seems to be the case? Who knows. Maybe, because apparent reality never gives up. Or maybe apparent reality never stops doing what it does. It never gives up, but it isn't something to choose to give up? A mirror reflecting is a common analogy. 

 

I suppose if this is seen, there is no resistance, no identification, no problems. I cannot say, I will work hard for whatever because I have and will never do a thing. I look at a story enfolding, always, and sometimes forget that I'm not a part of it. Desire can only be expressed through self-identification through thought and through time. So, I cannot have desire. Looks like it's true. 

 

But, it's pretty clear that I'm not the one writing this.  :tongue:


Edited by Guy1298, 21 March 2018 - 11:47 AM.

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#17 Alder Logs

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Posted 21 March 2018 - 11:58 AM

And it happens that way... in the seemingly so.  The watcher doesn't get to eat the popcorn, but can enjoy the show nonetheless, while seemingly eating seeming popcorn.   All great fun, when traveling lighter.


Edited by Alder Logs, 21 March 2018 - 11:59 AM.


#18 Guy1298

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Posted 23 March 2018 - 11:07 PM

Some thoughts on this. 

 

It seems like a radical letting go. With a critical mindset, thinking in time, it appears as though I've merely made a crazy (very crazy indeed!) choice to turn away from apparent reality. But, within it, it is a pure seeing of what is actually the case, the moment, free of fear. Knowing that all experience is just like this moment, no matter what's apparently happening from the mind's point of view through time. Self-identification is the glue into time. 

 

With regard to never being out of the moment. That's an interesting one. What is the moment? It is what is here before us now. Easy to miss because I'm caught up in what I supposedly did 5 hours ago. Nuts. And I conceive of something lacking here, but the conceiving of something lacking is that which covers up the fact that there is nothing lacking.

 

It does seem that it's more obvious. The bliss and highs haven't ceased. But, my mind continually asks about who is the one doing and being whatever's happening. I do express it to a friend here and there, it seems more clear every time it's expressed. He's all right with the crazy of it. 

 

There have been days lately when I come home and sit down and just sit there feeling well and happy for hours. My mind thinking about this and that, but very quietly. 

 

The radical letting go aspect seems capable of looking at one's actions just a second before and knowing that they weren't done by you. Self-concept only, which seemingly won't stop functioning through time. Self is recognized as purely conceptual, that which is here now knows that it isn't that, but has no problem acting like that when necessary. Thinking of that which is here now, disconnecting it from the body and thoughts, it is like nothing. 

 

Well, there are some thoughts around this. 



#19 Guy1298

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Posted 23 March 2018 - 11:24 PM

It also seems that there is no planning. A strange thing is from here I imagine that trying to maintain being in the moment I will disregard everything I have to do. But, that's bullshit. Similarly, I imagine that if I don't plan now, I won't plan ever, that the world won't take care of itself. That's also bullshit. When I look here, all past is like a dream, but it is taken care of, and the future is the same. 

 

Things seem to take care of themselves. But, I think a to-do list isn't such a bad idea. It's a part of everything taking care of itself... the to-do list is an act of life, not me. 

 

Does seem a bit crazy. :tinfoil: . I don't think I'll take these ideas too far. Only as far as necessary to let go, I'd hope, realize I'm not in it, and let everything move on, as time likes to do.


Edited by Guy1298, 23 March 2018 - 11:30 PM.

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#20 Alder Logs

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Posted 24 March 2018 - 09:03 AM

It also seems that there is no planning. A strange thing is from here I imagine that trying to maintain being in the moment I will disregard everything I have to do. But, that's bullshit. Similarly, I imagine that if I don't plan now, I won't plan ever, that the world won't take care of itself. That's also bullshit. When I look here, all past is like a dream, but it is taken care of, and the future is the same. 

 

Things seem to take care of themselves. But, I think a to-do list isn't such a bad idea. It's a part of everything taking care of itself... the to-do list is an act of life, not me. 

 

Does seem a bit crazy. :tinfoil: . I don't think I'll take these ideas too far. Only as far as necessary to let go, I'd hope, realize I'm not in it, and let everything move on, as time likes to do.

 

 

"Things seem to take care of themselves. But, I think a to-do list isn't such a bad idea. It's a part of everything taking care of itself... the to-do list is an act of life, not me."

 

Being present won't make us stupid.    It's where and when the mind becomes servant, not master.   It is to know the practical mind.   The psychological mind can be spending its present stressing about the list getting done later.   

 

We have a thought to go to the store, we are done with that thought.   We can go to the store in any state of being and still get there.   This is to be free.  


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