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turn and support the girl to your left


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#1 tuftygrasses

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Posted 19 March 2018 - 06:00 AM

I munched through maybe 50 grams of stones over a few hours. Unsure of their potency I had started with 18 grams and re dosed an hour later.

This is easy I thought laying in bed inside my pink musical bubble. Relaxed and open. I don't get it though. There's no aliens here. Tapping my feet along to the tunes. These stones are the easiest ride I've ever had. I'm in love.

I ate some fresh. The taste made me laugh. Dear god. My mouth.

I put on the John Hopkins psilocybin trial sound track. I'm not usually into classical. My curtains dissolved into an electric forest. I looked at the plain wall in front of me. Sparking distortion swirled in organised patterns. I pulled the blanket over my head. In the darkness kalidescopic fratlctals streched as far out as my mind could conceive.

Tears rolled down my face. So beautiful. I'd cried so much I had to blow my nose. I munched on a few more stones. I watched myself.

I'm like a child I said. Happily munching without aweness of consequences! The names of my friends when I was small cluttered around my head.

I couldn't catch the words. The language was simple. With little vocabulary. It was like a diary entry from when I was in primary school. It felt vulnerable too. Free and innocent but vulnerable.

I was afraid. How do I get this child out of the driving seat. She can't be here when I'm on drugs.
My mind made up stories about the possible outcome of the evening. They where ugly.

These stones come on slow I thought. You have hours of going deeper left ticking away inside of you. You should vomit. I felt like I could reach inside my throat but could barely even wretch. I stood over the bin heart thumping overcome by pure panic.

Phone my friend. Phone an ambulance. I imagined appologising to these people. No one was going to turn up with a shot of thorazine in the next half hour. I realised outside help would be of no benefit.

You are panicing. Make a plan and get back into bed. You will be ok before midnight whatever.

I drank a pint of salt water and lay in bed waiting. Id fasted all day. The salt water would flush my stomach soon.

Sweet relief. All the stones. The smoothy id sipped on with them. The water and the salt water all out. I was free and clear.

I lay in bed trying not to fight with the infantile chatter in my head. Let her be there and don't push her away. She was to my left. Near my head. My mother was around too. I tried to be with the uncomfortable vulnerability. To be with the girl.

I have to turn towards her and support her. Put your arms around her. Hold her tighter. That was easier. She softened. I could feel her and hear her down the left side of my face and left arm.

Suddenly I was amused. I remembered I had asked the stones earlier to tell me why I can't get rid of this chronic postural tension in my left shoulder.
It's not an injury. It's a postural habit. I stand with my shoulder twisted up and forward as if defending myself. And the blinding tension headaches are on the left side of my head.

Ha. Well. You did ask. Don't turn away from that girl. That child like wrekless abandon and terrifying vulnerability didn't grow up with the rest of you. Turn and support her.

I notice the language she uses. I hadn't realised how much more complex my internal dialogue is as an adult. Making sense of the world with a child's language is hard.

I touch the muscle that raises my shoulder to my ear. It feels overwhelming. I'm nauseous. I stop pressing it. I reflect on the behavioural this girl initiates. Not always helpful.

I wait for time to pass. The visions are gone. The voice in my head less. I turn my phone on and have a snack before sleeping.
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#2 Alder Logs

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Posted 19 March 2018 - 09:52 AM

I found insights of my own in that.   Thank you. 


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#3 tuftygrasses

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Posted 19 March 2018 - 12:08 PM

My pleasure

#4 Coopdog

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Posted 19 March 2018 - 12:58 PM

Your trips are awesome learning experiences. I had a lot of those in my early days of using them, then it was as if the mushrooms people decided I had gotten the lesson and quit teaching me. Maybe I was asking too often, but the magic disappeared for a few years there. The last few times I have ingested them, I saw the dance again and was so happy I did. I have a strong urge to approach them again with more respect this time, but alas I have none to do and have not moved to get the things together to grow them again yet. I guess when I really want to they will come to me one way or the other. Everyone I knew who had them on hand has moved on so it's up to me if I want to fulfill that dream.

 

Excellent post and thank you for sharing!  Peace...


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#5 pharmer

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Posted 19 March 2018 - 03:00 PM

this seems appropriate to the subject at hand

 

[Direct Link]


Edited by pharmer, 19 March 2018 - 03:02 PM.

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#6 tuftygrasses

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Posted 20 March 2018 - 03:45 AM

That soung made me cry in my coffee. It's a wonder what a little tenderness can do.

I think for me that trip would have been a few hours of struggling against disturbing feelings and thought loops without the experience in acceptance and commitment therapy and somatic mindfulness. And having recently read William ritchards sacred knowledge. Avoiding stuff is my way of coping but the paradox is the more you go towards thoughts and emotions the less power they have.

You can't always choose what pops up in you but you can choose how you hold it.

So do you ever, with bigger trips, forget how to do this? Forget its possible to watch your mind and emotion without judgement? Without that capacity high dose trips sounds like torture!?
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#7 pharmer

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Posted 20 March 2018 - 06:16 AM

I've had three or four trips where there was an hour or two of the usual loops, thrills, apprehension etc but then mellowed into a beautiful place of nothing but peaceful, beautiful, observation of whatever the universe threw at me. Those were the best by a country mile. MHRB and Rue btw

 

It's not always about the dose but I'd encourage trying to find the dose that will put you in that^^^^ place. You need enough to get past all the lesser distractions and get to ego death.

 

I remember how the words "ego death" used to frighten me and didn't sound like something desirable. WRONG. It's the place where nothing but peaceful, beautiful, observation is done. You haven't lived til you've died  :)


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#8 Alder Logs

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Posted 20 March 2018 - 10:58 AM

Don't toss out the possibility that watching the mind and emotion without judgment is completely possible right now.  The limits we put on ourselves are artificial, and only the watching in real time (which means, 'now,' of course) is what is happening.   We may feel it's a struggle to stay in the moment, but we can't be out of the moment.   We think we are the mind that wanders, is all.  I love hind sight.  Hind sight tells me that in spite of what I think about it, I was there, as I seemingly went off with my wandering attention.   Presence doesn't leave.   We let our ideas of what's going on lie to us about what's going on.   But, if one has the intention, and can entertain the possibility, we can learn of the constant presence and begin to discern how our idea of identity is our dream.   

 

Let the mushroom make it clear if needed.   But don't let an idea of a person proclaim this is real and that experiential knowing wasn't.  When you were there, it was the realest thing, because you were there.   Ego death means that who you thought you were couldn't keep up with what is.    What is isn't going to fight with our judgments.   It will patiently wait for us to see our waking dreaming for what it is.   Personality and ego will demand to set the rules until it has been seen for what it is (and isn't).   We are the seeing seeing, right now.  

 

Ask yourself, right now, am I aware? 

 

What took the instant to see itself seeing?  

 

Was it a body?   Did not the identified mind have to suspend its narcissism for just an instant in order to come to a present knowing? 

 

What we see on peak in a trip is not something that is ever out of reach.  As my master would say, "It is closer than intimacy."  

 

==============================

 

Geez, I don't know what gets into me.  It's this automatic writing thing.  It makes my heart all floaty and light. 


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#9 bennylava

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Posted 25 March 2018 - 06:37 AM

The panic is what makes me say I will never return there. To the places those high doses take you. Its too much punishment. I don't know how some people can take the high/very high doses and not get the panic. Words can't do the fear any justice. Its not like normal fear of any kind.


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#10 Alder Logs

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Posted 25 March 2018 - 11:12 AM

I have told in detail in a couple threads over the past six years how, after my first acid trip scared the bugeezuz out of me (48 years ago now), that I knew I had to do it again.   I had to see what that intense fear was all about.  So, in coming trips I set up the conditions to where I had to go into total darkness out in the woods with the nighttime woods' sounds as the main sense input, and trust me, I got to where the panic was too much and had to crawl to the light switch in my car to basically reset before I would rinse and repeat. 

 

Eventually I was able to see that whatever the fear was in each instance, I had created it in thought, and more, it was because I was believing the thoughts were actually something.   They were not.    If I were to do a large dose now, I would likely experience fear.  It would not dissuade me, if I could most likely soon see it was a thought.   If I could see it was for sure a real bear, and not a hallucination bear, I would heed my fear and use the fear for what it's for.  If I couldn't tell the difference, then I would consider it a real bear, at least until it turned into a shark. 


Edited by Alder Logs, 25 March 2018 - 11:14 AM.

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#11 tuftygrasses

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Posted 26 March 2018 - 06:49 AM

My panic is about becoming delusional and acting on delusions. If I had a padded cell id feel safer but I've had a couple of, thankfully uneventful, drug induced psychosises. I wouldn't like to stumble to my neighbours door insanely muttering or walk into the road an cause an accident.

Maybe if I had a friend I knew would be ok duck taping me to a chair if the need arose I could have a trip sitter. I do have 1 friend like that. That would not loose his bottle and call an ambulance and would ride out whatever horror unfolded.

I don't know why wandering outside in NY pants and t shift would be a food idea to me but when I recognised my behaviour was being influenced by the mental state I was in I paniced and wondered what else I would want to do when the rest of the stones kicked in.

I've listened a lot to that guy taking 30g dried that Kilindi Iyi talks about and it sounds like you aren't able to walk anyway. So you are bed bound and therefore safe from getting into mischief.

I went for a fun easy option this week. I was reconnecting with an ex gf and we wanted something nice for chat and sex. We shared a tea of 15g fresh stones and 0.2g mdma crystal. It was warm, close and twinkly :)

#12 bennylava

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Posted 27 March 2018 - 05:20 AM

I have told in detail in a couple threads over the past six years how, after my first acid trip scared the bugeezuz out of me (48 years ago now), that I knew I had to do it again.   I had to see what that intense fear was all about.  So, in coming trips I set up the conditions to where I had to go into total darkness out in the woods with the nighttime woods' sounds as the main sense input, and trust me, I got to where the panic was too much and had to crawl to the light switch in my car to basically reset before I would rinse and repeat. 

 

Eventually I was able to see that whatever the fear was in each instance, I had created it in thought, and more, it was because I was believing the thoughts were actually something.   They were not.    If I were to do a large dose now, I would likely experience fear.  It would not dissuade me, if I could most likely soon see it was a thought.   If I could see it was for sure a real bear, and not a hallucination bear, I would heed my fear and use the fear for what it's for.  If I couldn't tell the difference, then I would consider it a real bear, at least until it turned into a shark. 

 

Its strange that one person fears something, while another has no fear of it. From what I've read, you seem to have almost no fear of the doom, while I have no fear of the visions. I simply don't believe in them, and laugh at them. So if I saw a bear, my mind just wouldn't accept it and I'd end up laughing. And then say "yep, that's a vision for sure" when it became a shark. But you throw the doom at me and my eyes become saucers and the heartrate goes way up and the sweat pours out in buckets. I'm guessing if you had me hooked up to that stress machine, it would be through the roof. Hope to defeat it someday, but every time I go back I swear never again. I know there is a reason to swear that, some fights aren't worth it.

 

My panic is about becoming delusional and acting on delusions. If I had a padded cell id feel safer but I've had a couple of, thankfully uneventful, drug induced psychosises. I wouldn't like to stumble to my neighbours door insanely muttering or walk into the road an cause an accident.

Maybe if I had a friend I knew would be ok duck taping me to a chair if the need arose I could have a trip sitter. I do have 1 friend like that. That would not loose his bottle and call an ambulance and would ride out whatever horror unfolded.

 

I too have had the thought about the padded cell. Maybe I'll build one someday haha! And then try to explain that to people who come over. I've thought of chains in the concrete, stuff like that. Oddly enough it would be more for my own comfort. Isn't it strange how that works out? Nearly everyone else would be somewhat horrified by this, but psychonauts would be comforted. Otherwise you wouldn't have mentioned the padded cell. We know we couldn't hurt ourselves (or possibly others) if we're restrained. A few good friends maybe could help, its too bad we are all so far away from each other. I'd trip sit for you and vice versa. I'd know how to handle it, and you'd know for when you trip sit for me. We should have a site meetup someday. I'm serious, I'd do it. Although I agree with mckenna once again, I'd probably want to be in a room by myself until the fear came on. Then I'd want someone to run to. For me that actually kills a lot of the fear. You may not want to watch anyway, as you said... horrors. And vice versa. Even if I'm sober, I may find your facial expressions, movements, and what you say to be somewhat disturbing. You'd see the facial expressions I made and it that could hurl you into a bad (or worse) trip.


Edited by bennylava, 27 March 2018 - 05:23 AM.


#13 Alder Logs

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Posted 27 March 2018 - 10:25 AM

I probably should not admit it, but I used to drive on mushrooms and acid both.   Perhaps it was because of my testing the fear as I did, and felt able to discern what was in the physical reality and what was the mental image.  I remember one night, I was 23, I took acid here in SW Washington and started driving down 101 on my way to So.Cal.    I was in my Camaro and towing a trailer with my BSA motorcycle on it, and I was really ripped just south of Astoria, when the flashing lights came into my mirrors. 

 

I was totally freaking out as I pulled over to the shoulder and the ambulance zipped by.    The rest of the trip was very enjoyable.    The only thing I have to say in my defense here is, I never had the slightest incident, and I think I did much better than when I drove drunk, which before acid, I did plenty.   It was my first acid trip that ended my addiction to alcohol.   I smoked pot back then too, and everyone who ever rode with me sober or smoked, preferred my driving on weed.   (Warning! Do not combine pot and alcohol under any circumstances and be out in the world!  This combo can make one stupid beyond belief!)

 

So, I somehow survived my gonzo days.   Later I learned that I loved to eat thirty liberty caps and ride my bicycle in moonlight with no lights.  It was easy to hide on our back roads when a car's headlights appeared.   I went all over, and the only close call I ever had was when two of us were doing it together on a shady section of road and I turned around to see where my friend was and we nearly had a head-on.     We learned right then to keep both dark bikes going the same direction. 

 

I do not endorse doing what I have done.  Later I stopped doing rec stuff so much and learned to appreciate large doses and silent dark, as the adventures were more far ranging that way than being out in the world.


Edited by Alder Logs, 27 March 2018 - 10:34 AM.

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#14 Guy1298

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Posted 28 March 2018 - 03:02 PM

I think we can make a choice to trust what's happening and to do nothing special in it. 

 

I don't use large doses anymore. But, meditating a lot beforehand has the effect of a padded room for me. My experience has been that I fall much more quickly into my mind, images and stories in mind, and my body gets blended out. As I come back to, I can expect some panic, but the focus is much more on the heartbeat than on the thoughts. I watch my heartbeat and see the panic as my heartbeat beating too quickly. I watch my heartbeat soften rather than my thoughts curl up in fear. 

 

I will like to use larger doses again in the future. 


Edited by Guy1298, 28 March 2018 - 03:05 PM.

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#15 onediadem

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Posted 28 March 2018 - 06:28 PM

LOL.. Alder, one of my favorite things to do while on acid was driving at 3 am.


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#16 Alder Logs

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Posted 28 March 2018 - 11:40 PM

One of the best bumper stickers I ever saw was:

 

WARNING

I brake for hallucinations

 

Almost as good as:

 

My Other Car

Is Up My Nose


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#17 tuftygrasses

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Posted 11 April 2018 - 02:15 AM

I had a few weeks of recreational trips with a lover. Stones. Mdma. All very nice.

I went back in for a bigger trip this week.

The same voice. The young me repeating my school friends name in hard to decipher chatter in my left ear. I felt regressed again. It was a again a little scary but I tried not to judge or change the voice or feeling. My trip partner knew me from puberty. Maybe that was healing in itself. I told her I was a little afraid.

I went into the regressed feeling. Into young me. I felt vulnerable and hoped no one could see this me. But if felt like..
Oh this was me before...this was who I really am.

Was that me before trauma fractured my personality? Did I stop being me because I concluded I was unacceptable? What else could you conclude? If I was acceptable grown ups would have protected me surely? As a child you think they are the authority on what's and who's good and bad.

Now I know better. With knowing all that can I keep that earlier pre trauma version of me? Myself? Who can I step back into her sober?


And. Will I always get the voice when I do higher doses now? Do these voices ever stick around? I feel the need to rest my mind. A few months off psychedelics. I have a little visual distortion and static so need a break anyway.
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#18 Alder Logs

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Posted 11 April 2018 - 11:41 AM

Please, if you will, let me offer that there is no idea of self that is true.   Everything we come to think and believe are merely thoughts and beliefs.  Going back to where the thoughts and beliefs were fewer is fine, and likely therapeutic.  But let the experience show you that any idea about what is, and who we are, is the mind building its idea of identity.   This seeing of regression could be very good, if it frees you from a portion of the collected ideas of self.   As we age, these ideas become crossed with contradictions and ever more complexity.   Before this complexity entered our experience, we lived a much truer life; more time spent in simply being.  

 

As children we didn't grade and endlessly scrutinize our being.  When we played, we did it with abandon, not self-consciousness.   When our ego-mind's voice started to gain traction was when we began to set up house as a person.   Personality and being are two points of perception.  One is limited, and one is open.  One can be fractured, and one is beyond any such concept.   We grow to be as if caged animals inside our ideas of self, and it can be pretty scary, what true freedom might mean to us.   Mind might tell us that is insanity.   But what that fear is is having no trust in life, as just being.  

 

 

[How] can I step back into her sober?

 

While you are on this break, you might inquire how that younger 'her' was being her life?  If you can go back, not as memory so much, but as being it.   What was the traumatic shift?   Was it a particular thing, or what it was made to symbolize?  Some idea that you could do something, could have done something, to avert it?

 

We start from an innocence without judgment.   We are not what we think and believe.   What we are was here before we tried to understand it.    Just being is where our peace lies.   It's there, buried beneath what we think and believe.    It's the quiet behind all the noise.  We can view from the noise, or from the quiet.   So, take your time and see what's in timelessness.   You are the innocence.   You don't step back, because it has never left.   It is yours, eternally.


Edited by Alder Logs, 11 April 2018 - 02:00 PM.

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#19 bennylava

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Posted 13 April 2018 - 10:00 AM

But what that fear is is having no trust in life, as just being.  

 

 

Thats a hard thing to trust.



#20 Alder Logs

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Posted 13 April 2018 - 11:00 AM

See what it is that doesn't trust it.  Is that entity real, or is it the sum of a collection of ideas of an entity?  If life is seen as a story, then there is an end coming in the unknown.   What can't know everything fears what it can't know, because knowing is its game, which it can't win.   This is the Hell of it.   Letting go to life, does not life go on? 

 

"Life takes care of life."

~Mooji






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