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A Safe Place to Vent


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#1 Ramble

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Posted 27 March 2018 - 03:27 PM

Yeah, that's all I need, just a safe spot to say what i need to say. First and foremost thank you all for being such a wonderful welcoming community of folks. Anywho...

I found out my wife is cheating on me, well, she was. I don't know what to do, i cant stop shaking, If I got angry more often i'm sure these shakes would be translated into a tantrum of broken things and bloody knuckles, so I guess its good that i don't value or participate in blind rage. Do I try and work it out? Do I leave? Full disclosure, when we were first dating i did the same thing, and i hurt her bad, and never understood the depths of the pain I inflicted until now. Is it different because I cheated pre marriage and she cheated post marriage? Are we both just fucked up people? Do we even deserve each other at this point, or is the scale balanced now? She did take me back, but i don't know if i can take her back...

 



#2 DonShadow

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Posted 27 March 2018 - 04:13 PM

That's really rough, sorry to hear this happened to you. Ask yourself why you think she cheated on you, and ask her why she cheated on you. Usually the reason is pretty simple. People like to feel protected, understood, and loved. Maybe she cheated on you because of some deficit in any of these things. By becoming aware of her motivations, you might realize something about yourself that you can change and help to resolve the conflict. I think everyone deserves a second chance, and it sounds to me like you probably hurt her in ways that she was unable to express in any other way but through vengeance.


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#3 Spooner

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Posted 27 March 2018 - 04:15 PM

Sex has both an emotional and a physical component.

It is dangerous to get them mixed up.


Edited by Spooner, 27 March 2018 - 07:07 PM.

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#4 Ramble

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Posted 27 March 2018 - 04:37 PM

Thanks for the kind words and insight Don, there is definitely truth to what you said.

Spooner, yeah man, i'm so mixed up right now its hard to think straight.



#5 Juthro

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Posted 27 March 2018 - 04:45 PM

Wow brother, that's a tough one. At this point you need to talk to her, and find out what happened, and where do you both want to go from here.

I'll be honest, I'm shy to give advice in situations like this. Things are obviously complicated and emotionally charged, and I only have the narrow view of understanding from your single post as to what the big picture between you two is.
Not that I think you were misleading, but it just isn't possible for me to understand the whole story in that amount of space/time.

But you are definitely free to vent here. We will listen, and we will try and help where we can.

Wishing you peace and healing friend.
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#6 Ramble

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Posted 27 March 2018 - 04:52 PM

Thanks Juthro. Its been a lot of ups and downs, but we've always made it through alright. I feel like if we weren't married maybe i would be hurt less, because i could just leave. I guess i feel trapped, but within that same prison is a sense of security, and maybe i'm just afraid to step out of my cell. I still love her, i don't think you can ever stop loving someone, but, i dunno man. we have such drastically opposing views on so many things, sometimes i think it would be a good idea if we split so we could really pursue our own dreams individually without fear of being shat upon by our partner. I just want to stop feeling empty mostly, and unfortunately i know that all the mushrooms in the world won't fill that void.


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#7 Spooner

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Posted 27 March 2018 - 07:06 PM

I still love her, i don't think you can ever stop loving someone...

 

Yep that is understandable.

I still love my ex wives, I just don't want to live near them anymore ;)


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#8 CatsAndBats

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Posted 27 March 2018 - 09:27 PM

I just signaled you ramble.


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#9 Alder Logs

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Posted 27 March 2018 - 11:44 PM

No person can be counted on to be stable.  These are all changing images.   The only sense I see in talking it out is if there can be a coming to honesty in both directions.  So, other questions would be, can you be honest, and can she?  Will you?  Will she?   Now?  Later on?   First, I think you have to be honest, though even in that, you may have to be sure you aren't being mean.   Emotions can get pretty high.   Caution.  

 

A good look at you can help keep your own person's stability in sight.   Not whether you get upset in the moment, but who you see yourself as being, and having been.   You weren't really those things, but you played them on TV in this play of life.   Is any personality really stable, or do they all bend a little with the wind?   When you are looking across space to her center of being, will you be able to see the winds that have blown for her image of self, the part she plays?      

 

When my wife fucked off on me, it was all my fault for being such an asshole.  That's what she told me.   I was in my twenties then, and that person didn't have much of a clue, took himself totally seriously, but still, being as how that was my personal situation and play, it's not likely to tell us much for what's going down here.   For me, it was the best outcome that we eventually split.   There never was any trust again.   A psychic told me to bail.  He told her that her bailing would be best for me.   That really pissed her off.  It didn't fit with her picture of herself and me.   I knew for sure the psychic was right on.   Everything that happened between us from that point on just kept making it clearer.   

 

I eventually got clear of her, at some considerable loss, and she came back with her new guy to try to take my home too.    Luckily there were no kids.  For me, there was a long time of trying to have another love relationship.  After a couple decades in the hunt, I found much comfort in living alone, where I have continued happily.    I gave up trying to write a different story than the one that applied.    Finally, I gave up even having a personal story, and I just am.   Could have seen that sooner and known the peace I do now.   Of course, that's totally okay, as I see it now and now is the fuckin' groove! 

 

So, as a friend of mine likes to quote an early 20th century guy, Will Rodgers, "Let 'er buck!"


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#10 whirledpeas

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Posted 28 March 2018 - 12:29 AM

 I still love her, i don't think you can ever stop loving someone, but, i dunno man. we have such drastically opposing views on so many things, sometimes i think it would be a good idea if we split so we could really pursue our own dreams individually without fear of being shat upon by our partner. I just want to stop feeling empty mostly, and unfortunately i know that all the mushrooms in the world won't fill that void.

 

Honestly, i firmly believe even if you love someone you can definitely stop loving them ( i know i can). Sometimes we just fall in love with the vision we had of them, or maybe they "poo" on us so much that for me, eventually the sound of them breathing in the same room was just a bit much to take. I would say at that point the love is just long gone.

 

I don't envy your situation.  Good thing there is a lot of people here i think you could trust to talk to.  I am sorry to hear this happened though.. and no two situations are exactly the same.  But always trust your gut in these situations. after these things happen there are a lot of voices going, but what's inside is usually the most reliable. 

 

Take care


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#11 Ramble

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Posted 28 March 2018 - 01:20 PM

Thank you all for your insight and kind words. Cat, i got a new phone so sorry i haven't replied to your signal message. We decided, after a long talk with little emotional involvement, that we're gonna work it out. We realize there will be distance and things will be different, but I kind of look at it like a clean slate. I cheated on her in the beginning, and she cheated on me now, we don't have any intentions of doing it again, but we agreed that if it happened we would be truthful, because we both deserve to be happy, and life is much to short to waste time. 

Thanks again All, you guys are the shit :)


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#12 CatsAndBats

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Posted 28 March 2018 - 01:55 PM

Thank you all for your insight and kind words. Cat, i got a new phone so sorry i haven't replied to your signal message. We decided, after a long talk with little emotional involvement, that we're gonna work it out. We realize there will be distance and things will be different, but I kind of look at it like a clean slate. I cheated on her in the beginning, and she cheated on me now, we don't have any intentions of doing it again, but we agreed that if it happened we would be truthful, because we both deserve to be happy, and life is much to short to waste time. 

Thanks again All, you guys are the shit :)

 

 

Good to hear. :wub:

 

Did your number change?


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#13 Juthro

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Posted 28 March 2018 - 04:35 PM

I just signaled you ramble.

cat_sky.jpg


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#14 Alder Logs

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Posted 28 March 2018 - 04:46 PM

 

I just signaled you ramble.

attachicon.gifcat_sky.jpg

 

gallery_131808_1351_382.jpg


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