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#1 Guy1298

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Posted 30 April 2018 - 12:15 PM

I took a couple small trips out in the wilderness not so long ago. 

 

The effects were far different than earlier this year. 

 

The feelings were incredible. I found a small sun-lighted area under some trees and laid down. When I closed my eyes there was a reverberating ball of light haloed against the sun underneath my eyelids. It reverberated and I felt the world here and now as gone. A good analogy is like coming to the ocean and standing in shallow water near the beach, looking far into the ocean going onwards forever, feeling the beach as though it was unreal. It was like that mixed with ancient feelings, feelings of being a part of something infinite, being something else, remembering some of the feelings I've forgotten from past large dose trips, remembering the feelings I felt shortly after and during Ayahuasca. 

 

I intend to trip week to week while I hike around for a few months. Working up the dose as I do so, watching my state of mind as best I can. I'm trying to decide on what to do from here. I've got a couple ideas. Mostly, I want to head to South America to drink more Ayahuasca for a longer period of time and whatever comes from that. I think these doses out here will lead me to make a decision. I'm interested in wading deeper into that ocean I feel, going for a swim, seeing what's really there. 

 

Wish me luck. 

 

Also, I'd like to apologize for using this forum as an anxious journal from time to time. Hopefully, it hasn't bothered anyone. :). I'm grateful to be in the company of more experienced people on these forums. I know that reality is stranger than can be seen. I will always be a child. The curtain is a curtain behind an infinite number of curtains, opening, seeing, opening, seeing... I can never know. Or so I think.


Edited by Guy1298, 30 April 2018 - 12:32 PM.

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#2 Skywatcher

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Posted 30 April 2018 - 05:58 PM

Also, I'd like to apologize for using this forum as an anxious journal from time to time. Hopefully, it hasn't bothered anyone. :). I'm grateful to be in the company of more experienced people on these forums. I know that reality is stranger than can be seen. I will always be a child. The curtain is a curtain behind an infinite number of curtains, opening, seeing, opening, seeing... I can never know. Or so I think.

No apologies needed Guy. I wonder sometimes if you realize how enlightening your postings are.........

and how much so many of us here, share in and learn from your experiences.

I personally am grateful that you so generously share such deep and relatable revealings of your soul, and eloquently describe all the peaks and chasms you navigate as you grow.


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#3 Guy1298

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Posted 06 May 2018 - 10:35 AM

Tonight was an interesting trip. Still low dose. 

 

I was camping out quite a way down a trail. I went off the trail and climbed a large hill to a flattened area between trees. Set up a tent, waited until dark, and ate the mushrooms. Fear was present from the start. 

 

It had the self-involved negativity that I come across every now and then. Like those trips from awhile back when I saw myself as a sociopath. I don't actually believe them though, not fully at least. But, seeing that does tend to break me down emotionally, lets me glimpse other perspectives, come to new insights into my friendships and relationships (not to say I'll necessarily act on them). 

 

Eventually I was listening to noises outside the tent. At times, I was sure that there was a bear there sniffing and breathing. The mushrooms decided to drive me into intense fear. I started seeing in my mind's eye being eaten alive and there was overwhelming urgency to it as if right now is the moment of my death. The bear right outside the tent... I even started to believe that I was camping in a bear's hang out. To say the least my heart was beating quite quick. :).

 

I was able to calm my heart beat and settle down. After I came down from the peak, I was laying in the same tent... but it wasn't the same tent. Strange things going on with this one. And I noticed I wasn't afraid anymore. I even spent sometime thinking about bears lovingly, even if they would come and eat me! 

 

It was a good test run for camping out and tripping in the dark. I'd hope I overcame some fear.


Edited by Guy1298, 06 May 2018 - 02:53 PM.

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#4 Guy1298

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Posted 06 May 2018 - 02:58 PM

I prefer trips that are done right after about plenty of meditation or ones that are done in the thick of that Advaita Vedantic state of mind/seeing. 

 

Despite the fact that I will view this trip as a positive experience, I think it should be taken as reason to be more careful, more prepared, better setting, etc. In my opinion, the better trips are when the ego moves out of the way quickly, not when it gets relatively tortured. 


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#5 pharmer

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Posted 06 May 2018 - 07:45 PM

I'd like to make a recommendation.

 

Consider committing to a year in a martial art. Doesn't matter too much which though I'm partial to grappling arts like judo and jujitsu.

 

They're wonderful for building self confidence and overriding fears. Seems to me you're afraid of something and it needs to be beaten down. IME martial arts supply life tools for that kind of thing. In fact I think they provide lots of life tools having nothing to do with self defense.

 

Damn, dude, I admire you're ability to get up and go. A year of hiking and doing drugs on your own schedule? Priceless!


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#6 whirledpeas

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Posted 15 May 2018 - 05:36 PM

I love "anxious journals" :) 


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#7 Guy1298

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Posted 16 May 2018 - 01:41 PM

I've tripped twice since the bear trip. 

 

The first trip was 1.5g on a rainy hike. I didn't feel almost anything until 2 hours in after the hike when I was going to the hot springs. It was a 2 hour delay and I ended up tripping at the hot springs instead?!?! Who would have thought. 

 

But, really I'm writing for this next one. It was 2g and I had a night that was emotionally on edge. I started on a hike to a lake, but started late and wouldn't make it. I flipped a coin to decide whether I would take it. As the peak came I asked to be helped with some friendships/relationships that have been giving me trouble. And also, more importantly, to let go of my fear.

 

The peak was unlike anything I've experienced before. It came quick and overwhelmed me. I felt heavy and in another world and sat down at the edge of a river. There with eyes closed I saw a line of spirits walking by me and I felt that they were healers coming to help. As the peak continued, I saw underneath my eyelids a wall of tentacles that smiled mischievously, edgy and maniacal, pointing to my destruction. 

 

After that, sitting at the river I had a huge cathartic release. I gave up my false security and confidence with regard to those particular friends. This set the stage for an incredibly positive experience. In particular, I was blissful. I started my hike back and was hit with huge insights, reality, nature, the problem with humanity and its disconnection from nature. I often find it hard to feel understood by people. The insight was clear, I'm crazy in most other's eyes. I was walking laughing at how crazy I am. And it made so much sense why I'm not understood... crazy, but not really. :).

 

I also understood some of the issues present in my understanding of psychedelics back when I drank Ayahuasca. I had no idea. Not at all. I remembered that a man suggested that I might come back someday in the future. And I knew what was missing and that in this trip it was thrusted directly into my mind. There were beautiful ideas and understanding, how to live what to do, what I'm actually doing, what Reality is really doing, etc. At the time, I was completely decided on heading back to Peru and I think I will. I was careful though, I know mania can take me, silence, slow down the train before it flips off the rails. Lots of lessons coming together to keep me relatively sane. 

 

I recall sitting at a bench and feeling God like air surrounding me and everything, warm and beautiful, being held in your mother's arms. 

 

I was just leaving and I knew I was still in the sky. So I turned back to hike a bit more. I found a secret path into the trees. I sat underneath a makeshift branched shelter, holding a stick, and it was pure "I am God." Everyone. Everything. Touching the stick I felt it as it was God. I spent a short moment feeling sadness and almost crying that other's didn't feel and understand this. As I left, I continued to feel it. 

 

I knew that the purpose of life is to know this. 


Edited by Guy1298, 16 May 2018 - 01:44 PM.

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#8 Guy1298

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Posted 18 May 2018 - 07:33 PM

I'm getting a more used to the ups and downs following trips like that. It's definitely not easy. 

 

I suppose it's the price of insight and healing. Hard work fighting against points of view that see no escape... and finding an escape, albeit sometimes luckily and clumsily. I'd say it's worth it. While I am sometimes led to feel incredibly weak... I get the gist that I'm actually pretty solid, but at the mercy of something totally beyond. 

 

Maybe, the expectation of being perfectly stable is a dream. Despite what it feels like, we grasp and contain chaos, haphazardly, but skillfully. 

 

I'll let this trip continue to process.


Edited by Guy1298, 18 May 2018 - 07:40 PM.


#9 Guy1298

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Posted 20 May 2018 - 02:27 PM

Here's an observation. Again, I'm brought back to the Advaita Vedantic perspective. 

 

It seems that after an experience that sees beyond either ideologically, or directly physically and mentally, the self that seems to exist in time through thought gets something. In particular, the last experience supplied purpose. The purpose became a memory, but the memory still functions and will probably function as my purpose as life goes on. Gives me something to do. 

 

But, I think the importance of these experiences is not to gain purpose for one's self (though that has seemingly happened), but to be able to recognize that what's happening is never me. The concepts that hang around the story of this life don't capture the expanse of being. They're false. That recognition takes no time at all and from that recognition the weight of purpose is dropped, even while the experience itself seemingly gives me purpose. 

 

That's also how I intend to deal with the ups and downs in the future. Should be going at it again soon enough. Until then.  :tongue:


Edited by Guy1298, 20 May 2018 - 02:29 PM.

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#10 Alder Logs

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Posted 20 May 2018 - 03:22 PM

Not being our doing; could that be the aroma of freedom?   Knowing this in being, what a gift we give ourselves.    No prerequisites, no outcomes, to simply have our Self.    Gratitude arises naturally and becomes the background of being.  


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#11 Arathu

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Posted 20 May 2018 - 04:47 PM

And if that doesn't work there's always good rum...........

 

Hahahahaha.......Sorry............

 

A


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#12 Guy1298

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Posted 28 May 2018 - 01:19 PM

2.5g this time. 

 

This was probably the most relevant mushroom trip I've taken. I'd say there were good intentions behind this one. I hope to find myself positively changed in the coming weeks. 

 

I ate the mushrooms and headed to the creek to dip into the ice cold water then head back to the car. The mushrooms got into my head a little bit as I went. Then I went back to the car. As I sat in the front seat they came on. I decided to lie down in the backseat, put the covers over my head through the peak. 

 

As I laid there an electronic hum started in my ears. Sometimes it sounded like an engine. I'll try to piece together the peak. I recall my mind being wild, an engine revving, geometric patterns moving with my thoughts and voices. The peak gave into a lot of past memories and feelings. Feeling what it felt like to love my mother when I was child, my father, others. Memories of being afraid as a child from movies and elsewhere. But, generally, I was fine. My body sensations were sort of gone, potentially also much of self-consciousness at times. 

 

I recall encountering various entities. One in particular was maybe a Native American spirit. He came rushing by in my mind and I heard his music, barely but surely, tied into the electronic hum. Later I encountered fierce animals. I don't remember what they were, maybe wolves, but I got hit with a feeling that they were protecting me. This was all closed eye. 

 

After the peak, I looked out from the covers. My mind was quite away. Again, It felt like I learned secrets beyond this life, like magic, a reality beyond the rules of this one. I don't like coming down from such huge feelings. It takes me time and panic to come back. Later I stared into the clouds and fell into a tiny sort of trance, feelings of God and elation. As I looked into the clouds they flowed backwards and forwards and transformed into holy faces. The Buddha looking back at me. 

 

The car wasn't a good setting, though a safe one. I suppose here is where the lessons start. The broken windshield and general brokenness of my car started to play into the trip and project onto me. Or I projected myself into the general brokenness of my car. That's just about when the usual panic began. Heart beating quick, fear. My mind waiting for everything to fall apart. The precariousness of reality breathing through my body. I did what I usual do. Immediately, I focused on my heartbeat, watching and calming it, not playing into what my mind is telling me, slowing the roll of panic. 

 

Then, the good lessons came. Feeling for love, I felt it missing. An analysis of my lack of love and connection began. I directed love towards many people as I noticed it missing. The panic was rolling. I was praying. I returned back to the little mantra, "I love God, I love everyone." Repeating it over and over again. An instrument might have been good here. I don't think the panic will give into a fragmented or scary world. I think the panic is the real lesson. It's the gun against my head, asking me to give up myself for others. 

 

At the very very end, I laid thinking that I won't do this again, feeling weak and unwilling to move deeper. That's the sign of a good trip, in my opinion. I'm sure I will trip again. Feelings are fickle, highs and lows. I will like to have some things ironed out emotionally and spiritually before I go again. 


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#13 Guy1298

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Posted 28 May 2018 - 08:25 PM

Psychedelics are funny things.

Back to thinking in the Advaita Vedanta way.

#14 Guy1298

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Posted 28 May 2018 - 08:30 PM

The ego plays an incredible game. Help, hurt, or do nothing. They're actually the same.

#15 Guy1298

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Posted 29 May 2018 - 01:59 PM

Well, just decided that I'm going to repeat 2.5g until I no longer encounter that existential panic.

That is when I know the panic is no longer possible.

Edited by Guy1298, 29 May 2018 - 02:02 PM.


#16 Guy1298

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Posted 30 May 2018 - 10:12 AM

Well, I've got to remember that a trip does emotionally unhinge me for a few days following. From within this unhinging, I might go through periods of total confusion, distrust and rejection of ideas, struggles, struggles. But, I think there is a pattern of 3-5 days where I settle into an otherworldly happiness. I think I might get an actual journal for getting a better grasp of these patterns.

Edited by Guy1298, 30 May 2018 - 10:13 AM.


#17 Guy1298

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Posted 02 June 2018 - 09:54 PM

Went on a hike today. The place left me feeling that this is the place to up the dose. It's a relatively long hike to a river deep in a canyon. The water is crystal clear and rocky. I'm thinking I'll head to the grocery store tonight collect fresh foods, something better than nuts, dried fruit and clif bars.

Then, I'll come back and do the hike again. Find a nice campsite close to the river, camp out there for the night to feel it out. Maybe meditate quite a bit to settle into that sort of happiness and pleasure of meditation, to bring it with me, I hope, and to stabilize. And other things to make things feel like a suitable setting. I happen to have a gift that burns and smells nicely, a few years old now given to me by one of my best friends. I imagine I'll be doing a lot of loving-kindness practice and various amounts of prayer too.

Then either 5g or 6g. It seems I'm resilient to mushroom use. I always fear that I'm going to lose my mind. But, I've tested that to various limits. I think it will be good to remember that I am not this as well. I took a small 1g dose not so long ago, spent a couple hours caught in relatively difficult unhappy thinking, then eventually it appeared clearer what I was looking at. Stories... how could these stories be me or anyone? It seems impossible. Stories chosen out of an ocean of experience imposed upon a false sense of solidity to oneself.

Still tentative, but the idea was placed pleasantly in my mind as I hiked back.

Edited by Guy1298, 02 June 2018 - 10:01 PM.

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#18 Guy1298

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Posted 03 June 2018 - 12:10 AM

Though, I'm certain no experience will change the fact that nothing can truly be gained or lost in life. 5g or 6g and whatever experience it brings about will become a memory. And just as quickly I will be lost to time as well. I, being what you and others conceive me to be. Lost and most probably imagined.

The story of me is lost. But, it's always lost. And the story of me is always remembered. I suppose. But, I am a figment, remembered and forgotten.

Edited by Guy1298, 03 June 2018 - 12:15 AM.

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#19 Guy1298

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Posted 03 June 2018 - 12:45 PM

Decided to continue the upward climb, rather than helicopter to the top. My caution is well-learned.

Most Probably 3g will be the next dose. I've learned not to trust my mind. Highs and lows seen thousands of times inform me that there is potential for long-lasting trauma. That being said, I've seen my mind become more resilient through the years. I'm no shaman, but my mind is stronger because of mushrooms and others.

Will continue the slow journey. That panic was much weaker than before, I react less and less in fear. Fear is my cocoon, I suppose. Haha.

Edited by Guy1298, 03 June 2018 - 12:50 PM.


#20 Guy1298

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Posted 04 June 2018 - 04:02 PM

Well, interesting experience. Time for a break.




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