Posted 04 June 2018 - 10:27 PM
And I think I'll return to it. I might stop using psychedelics as well. Well, I should at least stop thinking that there is something to gain. Just as anything else I project my desire to be special into every endeavor. But, most of what I think and feel is constructed through others. Eventually, I suspect it all must go.
Ayahuasca was a trick. We want to be special, to see what really is, God, whatever, to know spirits, magic, to have power.
I've seen spirits in a world in my mind. Traveled to one and got torn to pieces, traveled to another and had a hand placed on my head to protect my thoughts and fears. I've felt feelings of God. I've thought myself possessed by a healing spirits. I've felt the deepest and apparently delusional optimism in learning some unspeakable truth, some feeling of magic, some secret of reality.
And, I suspect there's nothing to it. Advaita Vedantic thinking produces deeper happiness than any of that, even the best high, best realization.
I won't stop using psychedelics, though. Just some reflections.
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Posted 05 June 2018 - 10:11 AM
I've gained a lot from journaling too, and I for one would never look down on such a thing. The thoughts have to go somewhere, thinking itself is like the formation of scar tissue. It is very good practice to give one's self these mementos to remind us that we do grow and mature. Feelings of shame eventually turn into forgiveness, and our past selves shed away like an insect's molted shells. Good luck to you, and keep up the writing!
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Posted 05 June 2018 - 11:44 AM
The ego mind has ways of turning Advaita Vedanta into its own tool set. Whenever there is a sense of a point of view in the seeing of what is passing, see that it can be seen still from a wider field of seeing. We can settle into a sense of this one who is seeing this other thing which is that being seen, hence the duality of a seer and the seen.
I have come to value greatly, in this incredible time, this current gift of the world wide web, for its making the words and pointings of true Advaita masters available to us, as these expressions of the not two. I find I love to drink up the millions of ways the not two can be spoken of. The greater our discernment becomes tuned, the less confusion we find in the pointings. Soon, all becomes master, and we become nothing, except as being. Then the words no longer detract, because we get it.
Yes, those glimpses of Oneness on peak spread from glimpses to panoramic knowing, and in that, become the baseline. The thrill of the glimpse that could take us off our feet becomes the ordinary. Paradox is no great shakes, but just a happy understanding.
Edited by Alder Logs, 05 June 2018 - 11:47 AM.
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Posted 06 June 2018 - 11:04 PM
The story of my life is presented and represented. Again and again. I look through it. Or I look at it, or I look from within it.
Every realization is subjected to heedless criticism. Every realization is stripped away. And no matter this present urgency, life will be lived.
The story isn't unreal because it isn't solid. It's unreal because there isn't anything that exists in time. Everything can be discarded, because I am not that. That I am this is only an assumption.
Edited by Guy1298, 06 June 2018 - 11:06 PM.
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Posted 06 June 2018 - 11:09 PM
I am thankful for the listeners, since I am a lonely fellow. Haha. Thanks for the support and advice.
Edited by Guy1298, 06 June 2018 - 11:11 PM.
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Posted 07 June 2018 - 10:27 AM
I recall a time when 3.5g taken with Syrian rue would feel like the .5g I took yesterday.
Edited by Guy1298, 07 June 2018 - 10:29 AM.
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Posted 07 June 2018 - 01:16 PM
This has been beautiful to take in Guy and a much needed body of work. I used up a lot of likes on this one post today, and for good reason. I would love to be able to just take off and do what you are doing, so for now I will just live vicariously through you. I am in very bad need of a deep experience myself, but the world keeps getting in the way of that. I just had a 3 day weekend and all the intention to get it done finally, and then we had a cat who was not well and I did not want to make myself unavailable to drive her to the vet if necessary, so I put it aside once again.
I also enjoy the journals you share, so please never feel like they are a bother. I have used this beautiful forum for that myself and this is a beautiful and supportive community. I have been caught up in a wave of negativity I can't seem to rise above for quite a while with my wife gone for a month and being stuck on mandatory overtime at work the whole time she is gone. I know I am fortunate to have a job but man I could sure use some time to heal myself. A year in the mountains sounds like just the thing I need. Carry on friend, and we wish you well.
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Posted 12 June 2018 - 02:03 PM
The idea that it can be lost is its loss. The idea that it is tiring to maintain is the cause of tiring. The idea that it must be maintained is its need of maintenance. The idea that anything is understood is its lack of understanding.
Edited by Guy1298, 12 June 2018 - 02:04 PM.
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Posted 12 June 2018 - 02:28 PM
Edited by Guy1298, 12 June 2018 - 02:29 PM.
Posted 12 June 2018 - 03:19 PM
Is the imagining of a moment a step away from timelessness? The tao that appears in time.... What is that?
So, the stepping and stepping and stepping... Always seen from silence. Sometimes it just feels like a grin (until it's thought of in that way). I love it all and let it be. All the details I would change, the doings of no doer. Who is that? The ocean claiming to be a drop.
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Posted 16 June 2018 - 09:41 PM
What I've been doing lately is just to ask "Who am I?" and stay poised in a silent mind. It's been quite nice. I imagine the most trouble of it comes from waking up in the morning. Once I'm set in a strange silence, I can stay like that for the entire day with various small shifts. It seems to come with a bodily high, happiness, etc. I haven't engaged with it long enough to see if it will end up like last time, i.e., my mind becoming really high and quite mystical.
For the most part, it's necessary at this point in time. My mind is fucked trying to figure out what I should do with my life and, if I'm not trying to figure out my life, I'm stuck on some semi-imaginary friendships/relationships from the past. Reminiscing about those can give into states of self-rejection, confusion, uncertainty, and recklessness. And always this thought that I haven't went deep enough into psychedelics. Looking for a solution, onwards, onwards, onwards. Can get overwhelming.
I should add that "Who am I?" is asked with a definite abandonment of what I think I am. It's obvious to me that what really exists doesn't exist in time. That this life is truly an illusion. I've gotten senses of it quite a few times. The mere fact of existence, of being that which exists, can shake you to your core, communicate in moments that death is false, that the story of your life is wholly inconsequential. In any case, I'm pretty fucking tired of trying to figure out a life that doesn't need to be figured out.
Lastly, it would be a disservice to the point of view to imagine that I am what really writes this.
Edited by Guy1298, 16 June 2018 - 09:46 PM.
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Posted 17 June 2018 - 10:09 AM
I'm stuck on some semi-imaginary friendships/relationships from the past. Reminiscing about those can give into states of self-rejection, confusion, uncertainty, and recklessness.
I like the way Mooji puts it: "All problems are personal." If the who that I am is definable as a person, then it's back into story, isn't it? The longer we watch this process of identification, the easier it becomes discernible, but then, what is doing the discerning? Something is always on the scene ahead of any rendering into a plot line or character. In that somethingless something, there are notable traces of all those attributes we, as identity, might strive to attain; the quiet, the peace, the compassion, the love... The instant there is a reaching for some attendant state, who or what is that? Can it not be seen as the process of identification rising?
So it happens, again and again. From current awareness, it serves more and more to reveal the What Is. With no judgment, it becomes clearer and clearer what goes on, and what freedom really means. Let all the states of being pass through. If there is something wanting to cling to anything passing, just let that too be in what is. If it arises, it recedes.
The indescribable endures. What is that?
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Posted 20 June 2018 - 11:48 AM
Yesterday, I became incredibly high later in the day.
I was considering that awareness is just a word. Knowing the word, I think I know what it is. And for some reason, knowing the word as it's representation I forget the reality. Or I don't see what realizations hang upon the experience of a bare awareness without even the word "awareness" to describe it. I think there's a sense of it as the foundation of reality, hidden in it, without a mind to take more than a moment to understand it. It felt much like what I mentioned in the first post to this thread. Seeing the awareness without a mind to understand it gave in to a sense of infinity. Apparent reality isn't served by a mere awareness, awareness is the basis for an apparent reality, and everything. But, "awareness" as a word understood in a conceptual framework isn't it. It was quite mystical.
Edited by Guy1298, 20 June 2018 - 11:51 AM.
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Posted 20 June 2018 - 12:08 PM
It does seem that people are crazy. Taking oneself to be one's story, body, mind, is nuts. Totally nuts.
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Posted 20 June 2018 - 05:23 PM
Crazy, as prerequisite (for not quite as crazy).
Awareness of crazy happens where? I think it's here in awareness, somewhere stuffed in with every fucking thing else. :-)
Edited by Alder Logs, 20 June 2018 - 05:25 PM.
Posted 20 June 2018 - 05:26 PM
Is a bit crazy on my end too. Haha. I suppose that no matter what happens I'm fine. The ego is an illusion playing into its illusion. So what am I? Totally immune, non-existent... yet truly existent. Disconnected from the ego. It's really the strangest thing that this relationship between an unaffected pure state and a time-existent story even seems to occur.
Wild. What to do with it is also a non-question, because there really is no one doing anything. Damn.
Edited by Guy1298, 20 June 2018 - 05:30 PM.
Posted 20 June 2018 - 05:40 PM
I love this guy so much!
Yet, as I am pretty sure he would tell you, happening seems to continue. Nothing is lost in losing what's not happening.
Edited by Alder Logs, 20 June 2018 - 05:45 PM.
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Posted 23 June 2018 - 05:26 PM
It's more obvious to me when the thoughts seem to form a hopeless individual. And then, to step back and see it vanish. It's pretty clear then that it's a figment. Pain is quickly interpreted into someone in pain... and I suppose I like pain because I spend a lot of time seemingly being someone in pain. It's astonishing that we actually have a choice, but not the choice we apparently want, a choice to not be what appears.
The great relief is that nothing is happening.
Though it does seem to fluctuate. I suppose I'll see how it goes into the future. I don't intend to turn away from this way of things like last time. It's better now that I'm not meditating or microdosing this time. I know that it is at least somewhat disconnected from those. It seems more like a recognition... there are the thoughts and its person and there is recognizing that you aren't that. I suppose as well that there is apparent reality as a whole, bodily pain, etc., and a recognition that you aren't that. A recognition that doesn't need thought... because thought would lead straight back into what you aren't. It's a recognition of what actually exists as it appears submerged in all that doesn't.
Anyway, it's a greater happiness than I have come across anywhere else. It sometimes leads into feelings quite like my post-Ayahuasca experiences.
Edited by Guy1298, 23 June 2018 - 05:48 PM.
Posted 23 June 2018 - 06:18 PM
My mushroom trips are over for the time being. I felt compelled to give away all of what I had, so I did.
I think it will go to benefit the people I left them with.
Edited by Guy1298, 23 June 2018 - 06:19 PM.