Had a series of negative dreams this morning and woke up feeling pretty emotional, but I think they were therapeutic for me. My wife has been gone for most of a year nurse maiding for her 90 year old father, who needs help, but wants to die in his own home. This was not supposed to be a long term thing, and she came home a few weeks ago for a month long visit, (I was already chafing on that point) and 6 days into it her father fell and broke his hip, so she had to fly back out. This was very hard on me. I knew it was not easy for her either, but I realize there are more important things that happen in life, despite my feelings on the matter.
Two days ago I spent the entire day in a slow simmering rage. I didn't act out even a little bit, but inside I was not fit for human company, and just kept to myself. This is not a normal way for me to feel, and though I conducted myself well despite it, well, it's in there. It all came out in my dreams last night, and in them I lashed out over the phone, and then continued smashing up everything in the house until I was exhausted. Woke up with tears in my eyes and my heart pounding in the dark. Scared me that I could be holding that much anger inside me at my wife, who is trying her best to hold it all up back there even though she has physical problems herself.
The time and distance that has opened up between us is deep. Never saw my marriage being derailed like this 38 years in. We are both pretty old now ourselves, and it is time to either rebuild it or let it go, and I don't want to do that. I have been on hold so long I forgot what it is all about, and that anger is coming out in my dreams, which I much prefer to waking life. Anger is the fucking devil once it takes you away. Maybe it's better to have dealt with it in my dreams, because I feel calmer today, but very tired of being alone. Didn't want to say all this BS in the rough circumstances thread which is where it belongs, this was a dream and I try to stick to topic. So here it is I reckon!