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Surviving Toxic Parents


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#41 MsBehavin420

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Posted 13 August 2018 - 09:50 AM

It's about doing what you need to do to be an OK human.
if you need to never speak to your mother again. Then mote it be. It's been a few years since I have had to speak to my father and I feel good. I don't need that kind of negative bullshit in my life.
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#42 SteampunkScientist

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Posted 13 August 2018 - 01:30 PM

Ms B.  I get what you are saying, sad as that is.  One wishes, of course, to have a great relationship with their parents, but alas, it is sadly not always possible.

 

However, one thing to keep in mind, a "mother" and "father" may not always be the biological individuals who brought you into the world, but those who actually nurtured you and helped in your growth. Finally, forgiving those who hurt you does not mean denying the wrong that they did - because forgiveness is not for them... but for you - it is letting go of the hurt and pain so that it does not stunt your growth.

 

It ain't easy because of that damn ego who likes to keep lists of everything, but hey, this forum is in the "getting rid of pesky ego problems by getting rid of the ego!"  :biggrin: 

 

Sending good energy your way... 


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#43 Guy1298

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Posted 13 August 2018 - 03:48 PM

I'm sorry you've had such terrible parents. I tend to forget how bad people can get.

 

Too much time alone. I do like to see everyone as a step away from true love, i.e., one large dose of mushrooms or some other crucial experience that rewires their entire understanding of themselves and others, rivers of tears and a true happiness, love, and acceptance. Maybe that isn't exactly how it works, but I like to think that it does. 


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#44 Alder Logs

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Posted 14 August 2018 - 12:30 PM

I do like to see everyone as a step away from true love, i.e., one large dose of mushrooms or some other crucial experience that rewires their entire understanding of themselves and others, rivers of tears and a true happiness, love, and acceptance. Maybe that isn't exactly how it works, but I like to think that it does. 

 

I think this is true.  At least it was in a way for me (as this seeming individual expression of life).   It has become hard to see myself as the stories of suffering and/or accomplishment that drove the entity for so many years.   What it took was for once, just being the seeing of it.   It was like the glasses in They Live. 

 

The habits from before the experience were strong (and sneaky), but once in presence, whether it's five grams or a personal crisis, if one is available to entertain the possibility that the opened and impersonal comprehension of presence is the reality, and not our bank of beliefs, the help to continue on in presence is available.   That is if one can become as a small child, so to speak.   To identify with our surmises about personal experience, in the mental image of our own small child, is to refuse the innocence that experience seemingly took from us.  It's still there.  It may take some tears to claim it back for our true self.   Can we let go of our hurt, so as to not be it?  

 

We don't get the knowing of our innocence back as some deal for what we have done, or not done.  We give up our doing and there it is.   I don't know any formula.   Maybe, just asking the universe, and being humble enough of mind to embrace the unexpected.   We are not our diagnoses either.   I still have the ADHD brain, but it doesn't have me.  It is seen and even loved.   I am not that.   It's all still happening, untouched by what happens. 


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#45 MsBehavin420

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Posted 14 August 2018 - 05:09 PM

Dude. I love (and loathe) my adhd. I have always been a bit of a believer. That mental. Illness... Add and all that included. Are just the primal instinct's coming out that we haven't used. Bipolar bc we aren't hunting and killing our food. Add adhd heighten my senses , skin tingles with a touch.. Or hearing weirdly well in noisy situations. Total benefits. Just having to deal with the majority being "normal" and not able to Understand.

I like that Steam punk pointed out other guides in life who are parental...
My daughter was lucky. Her father's ex was that for my Kiddo. She took my daughter to Disney for her 17th birthday and was a great help for me through the years.
I had several extended parents, and families that have cared about and for me through my life. I continue that on when I can. If not taking in stray cats, dogs and humans I'm Feeding them and giving back to make me Feel good. (which is a "lesson" taught in AA).
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#46 MsBehavin420

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Posted 16 August 2018 - 08:03 AM

Also..
I wouldn't have been able to help so many friends through the years, without having the craziness of my father around.
Just because he was involved in AA, I was shown an alternative to finding life again. I'm also a devil In church, being a bartender... But when my customers and friends have come to me, not knowing what else to do. I bring them to the only place that make help them mAke sense of it all.


Or at least let them know they're not alone and there are other ways.

I've been yelled at for taking ppl to closed meetings, by idiots who don't even have a clue.. Ive got more years sitting in church basements and catholic school Auditoriums than most people in those rooms combined, hearing the insanity and how it all changed. The elders usually approach me (knowing the face but can't place my name) and let me Know my mission is just one.. So I Continue. Today I am responsible for helping 9+ ppl to changing their lives.

So there's also that side of things.

#47 MsBehavin420

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Posted 18 August 2018 - 01:16 PM

As you know I have a daughter. I was a really young single mom till I met my man, who's fallen into the daddy role so easily.
My baby(21 last Tuesday) and her boyfriend moved in to our house. She and bf broke up and he continued to live here. She found a new Beau.. And of course, again., im the largest piece of dog shit to walk the earth in here eyes, because I said I would pay her taxes but couldn't find the room on my credit card that's maxed out bc we are pretty much single. Income Family since my man was injured on the job and now has nerve damage, yadda yadda yadda. We also live w my disabled mother and a friend who is also disabled stays with us.

so she moved into douche bags house
In June. They have until the 24th to move out and they're moving to LAs Vegas by her father (not with) . I find this out yesterday afternoon.

Her ex bf who's been staying here was finally cohearsed by his mom and God awful stepfather to come home by luring him with the gift of a car.he was supposed to leave at the end of the month but for whatever reason, he split yesterday.
Im completely heartbroken. As is my mom, our houseMate, my man and the animals.

I had said to the ex that we were going to flip flop the living situation. He'd be going to go upstairs and have the apartment w our housemate and we'd come down to start construction on the first floor. And he told me about the car and going back home. That was two weeks ago.
we gave him his key back when he returned it, bc we want him to have a safe place he can go, need be. He was such a great help with my sick mom.
so the loss of him just moving a county away is a great one.
when my daughter was with him she was reliable and caring. Like how she was before the shitty boyfriends came about. And now she's back to being shitty person. Bc I'm poor.

#48 MsBehavin420

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Posted 24 August 2018 - 06:30 AM

Ok. So what do you do when You are the toxic parent?

My baby just turned 21 last week and is moving to Las Vegas near her father with her new 29 year old bf. Her last bf just moved out of my house on Fri. Yes last week.. She moved to this guy's house 2months ago bc she was mad I couldn't afford to pay her taxes. They're moving because her bf hasn't pId his rent. He is also on disability bc he is autistic. Not that I give a real shit about your classifications in school but when these things are combined it's a real. Concern.
Im fucking pissed and panicking. I've spent my entire young adult into whatever I am now only having One focus. Her.
now what. What the fuck do I do? She's my reason for getting up every day.. What did I do Wrong? Crushing..
Especially since she's going to her father and leaving me with my mom with Huntingtons Disease. I was hoping she'd stay to see what and how to handle things for when I get sick.. But this...
for someone who has a very difficult time crying.... My eyes won't stop and my heart just bleeds pain constantly

#49 onediadem

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Posted 24 August 2018 - 09:06 AM

It sounds like she is reacting impulsively to anger. It also sounds like this will be a very good learning curve for her and one she needs to learn to appreciate you more. You shouldn't be held emotionally or financially hostage by her, and this will be good for you also because you are so much more than a mother. Try to enjoy the break and the open nest. Growing hurts sometimes.. but the pain will pass I promise. She is not gone for good.


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#50 MsBehavin420

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Posted 24 August 2018 - 10:21 AM

There is no break from the empty nest. My mom needs care. So I'm literally stuck just staying home, unless mom's sleeping(which she's an insomniac so it's hard) and all this is effecting my mom badly.
Im already financially hostage bc she decided to drop out of school and I am in default on the parent portion of her student loan bc i dont have the money to pay for it when I'm buying dinner nightly bc my house is in shambles and I don't have a kitchen sink m...people I relied on including my daughter, have of course failed me. The 'I got you' s... I guess that means you understand right... Not what I thought - I'll help you bc you took me in off the street and bought this place with the intention of keeping a roof over their heads..... Sigh. And now the man and I are at odds bc we don't cope well or handle. Life in a healthy way.. Lmao.. I really just want to die.

#51 MsBehavin420

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Posted 24 August 2018 - 10:26 AM

She is reacting impulsively. She's not finished growing yet.. 21 is just when we develop in our Frontal.lobe the Grey matter that gives us the impulse control. Now get why I'm terrified..
plus I feel. Like she's doing this to either get back at me bc shes going to her father's and getting her own place (lets see it happen). Also dad has a new relationship with gal who has two kids that are about my daughters age when he stopped seeing her. So there's that... My man says I'm being ridiculous bc shes an adult and blah blah blah...

#52 Alder Logs

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Posted 24 August 2018 - 10:38 AM

photo-thumb-153270.jpg?_r=1499534571

 

Maybe you can't carry the world.  

 

Who could?


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#53 onediadem

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Posted 24 August 2018 - 02:29 PM

Can you rent a room out?

 

Eating out every night is expensive and horrible for your body. Try doing two or three dishes a night. Eventually, they will get done and once they are, it is much easier to keep up and you will be able to cook again. There are some chemicals in fast foods that are known depressors. I wish I could offer more than advice. I have been there though. 


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#54 MsBehavin420

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Posted 24 August 2018 - 06:24 PM

If i get this place working I can rent out a floor. But I need a kitchen That functiona Nd a bathroom . The sink was duct taped to the main. It's God awful.
we passed on houses that were together and less money bc of size (we couldn't fit everyone) and we get left holding the ball. just a note, I'm not asking for free labor I'm asking if you can come monthly and grab some cash.... Or you owe me thousands already due to this or that and they skate. Feeling real shitty.

images.jpg

#55 MsBehavin420

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Posted 25 August 2018 - 08:11 AM

Alder, someone needs to carry it... For her I'd walk the ends of the earth

I know I wasn't the best parent ever. I know I made mistakes.

But...
I did better than what I was given.
I showed up.( I think I missed 2 track events bc of work, in 21 years)
I tried my best. Sorry if that wasn't good enough....it was all I had to give.

It's a combination of issues that are leaving me in despair. My neighbor as you know is an issue. He sent the town over this week about the cars. Refuses to fix his falling over, and it's a foot into my property to begin with. Plus our friend(s) who we have taken care of was supposed to help(a. Bc we helped him and b. Bc he owes us money) and flat left us...
Pissed about that. It's fucked bc i put myself out for eveyone... And get shit on. My daughter included.
Yeah. I'm ACOA (adult child of an addict/alcoholic) and I tend to fall Right into the typical "I can fix you" bullshit. (thanks Daddy)
But damn the universe and its shit on HaZel balderdash. I've had enough.


I had the passing thought on my way home yesterday from doing the laundry, as I turned on the radio.
Ya know,.when you turn. On the radio and an awesome song Is on, but then it ends cuz it was the end of the song?

Thats a perfect description of my life

#56 onediadem

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Posted 25 August 2018 - 10:13 AM

Girl, you need to snap out of this funk. One step at a time and the first step is to get rid of the anger. It's a secondary emotion anyway to cover up being hurt and ends up hurting you more. Do a hundred jumping jacks to a favorite song and get your blood flowing. While you do it try to focus on one item. The two will make it hard to dwell on your daughter and it will jump start your endorphins and help a bit with the depression. I understand you are grieving, but you have to give yourself a time limit or it will start eroding away your life. In the long run, that isn't going to be good for you, your sig other, or your mother. And, I say this with love as a friend. I don't want to see you torture yourself. (Sorry, but I too need to fix things lol)


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#57 Alder Logs

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Posted 25 August 2018 - 11:30 AM

Thanks, One.   I keep starting replies that I never finish or post.   I soon get the idea that I will be pissing into the wind if I get into my usual explanation about identity as our stories.   I know that what we think builds its own case for itself, and we come to believe it totally into existence, and when you're inside of it, it's all you can see.   But, the truth is always NOT what we think.  All the history and relationship is from the position of what my master calls, "a constantly changing self portrait."   The identity of who we think we are is such a slippery mofo, and so long as it has us by the identity, it will stay a step ahead of us.   The only way to get past it is to watch it do its thing, but not as it, and not with its habit of judging and its arrogance of thinking it knows what's true.  

 

We can see our lives this way, without a personal stake in every turn of events.    If fact, we do, all the time.  But we have identified so long as our action figure, inside our stories, that we reject the clear vision that has always been our birthright.  We can be the impersonal witness, but it means letting go of all the dramas of our personhood and just being.   All that "why's this happening to me," only happens with that 'me' person, that chameleon.   That's not us!   Shit happens, yes, but it's not what we are.   Caught in the dramas, we haven't a chance of clear actions or thought.  

 

When we can see we are not our conditioned notions of identity, it becomes instantly clear that no one is, and all fight their fights inside the same blinding bag of who they have decided to be, as if an action figure.   It's the condition of the world, and yet, it's all made up, right from the start, by toxic everyone.   All the while, we are still the innocent being we have always been, and that core is clean and perfect, peacefully sitting in our hearts.   It has no name, no birth sign, and no investment in the unreality of the drama.   

 

My expression here has the story components of an adult child of an alcoholic too.    I was beaten into a self image that could never do enough to be okay, and spent so many years playing that thankless part.   Someone dear told me to "be as the witness," and when my world plan fell apart, I made the determination (again) to endeavor to follow that advice, somehow, at 67, it seemed to work.    It was almost in an instant that it became completely clear that all I thought of myself as was all drawn up by a me, for all of them, for that changeable, shape-shifting, me.   

 

I saw I didn't have to do that, no matter what everyone else was doing.   It was a taste of freedom, and it was known in the heart.    Nothing in my immediate circle of acquaintance changed, outwardly.   But, the seer in me could no longer see it all through the lens of who I had thought myself to be.  I was here in the instant, all my old baggage seen for what it was, but I, the seeing, wasn't that.

 

My toxic father was finally put to rest with my story.   The wrongs done "me" were out of the same brand of ignorance by which I had been a living example.  

 

My master says, "Freedom is what you are, not something you fight for."   Understand you are freedom, before anything you decide or believe.   All the shit storms will still be blowing, but, as what you are, you will not see them in the same way.


Edited by Alder Logs, 25 August 2018 - 11:36 AM.

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#58 Juthro

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Posted 25 August 2018 - 01:31 PM

Sorry your having a tough time of it Ms. B.  I'm going to offer my free advice (and its worth at least as much as you had to pay for it).

 

From my perspective on the other side of the world, your taking too much responsibility on yourself.   I understand family is family, but you need to remember if your not taking care of yourself first your going to end up in a position that wont allow you to help anyone.

 

I hope you don't get upset with my opinion, but your daughter needs a reality wake up call, and she is not going to get that without having to pull her own weight at some point.  I'm not saying dont try and help her, or to 'cut her off', but your not doing her any favors if you don't let her learn some of lifes lessons about being ultimately responsible for ones self.  

 

In reality situations like this are always very difficult for me, so I feel a little hypocritical giving advice when I dont handle them well myself.  In truth I feel much more confident about being able to fix your broken sink drain, then a deeply emotional family issue.  But I agree with One's assessment that you need to snap out of your funk, and start moving forward to take care of you and your own situation before your going to be effective at helping others.

 

I really do wish you well Ms. B., and if you think I can offer any help from here, please feel free to ask.

 

 

 

 


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#59 MsBehavin420

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Posted 26 August 2018 - 01:17 PM

The story just keeps getting worse as we go on... And it's only been 24 hrs.
so he's got money apparently from grandpa in trust account. He's fighting charges for chasing his ex boyfriend around with a chainsaw.. And I don't even know this kids last name.. Im befuddled.
you three are correct in all you are saying. She Is old enough to make decisions but there's much here I would like to. Change up
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#60 MsBehavin420

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Posted 26 August 2018 - 01:21 PM

Girl, you need to snap out of this funk. One step at a time and the first step is to get rid of the anger. It's a secondary emotion anyway to cover up being hurt and ends up hurting you more. Do a hundred jumping jacks to a favorite song and get your blood flowing. While you do it try to focus on one item. The two will make it hard to dwell on your daughter and it will jump start your endorphins and help a bit with the depression. I understand you are grieving, but you have to give yourself a time limit or it will start eroding away your life. In the long run, that isn't going to be good for you, your sig other, or your mother. And, I say this with love as a friend. I don't want to see you torture yourself. (Sorry, but I too need to fix things lol)

nail on the head. I "can't" express hurt bc its my emotional fallback. It's how I don't let you know I'm hurt. Childhood habits..




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