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#1 whirledpeas

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Posted 25 July 2018 - 11:51 PM

Nor really trash talking.. but just what has come to mind since this whole endeavor began. Since i did not live with my spouse for two and a half years i under estimated the impact this decision would make.

Lost "friends", an extended family i had got rather used to, etc. I guess i have been surprised at how tenuous most of my relations with others really were.
The divorce is between me and another individual and i refuse to continue the relationship. But there are quite a few who take it that i have divorced them as well. I guess that happens. That is part of it.

Everything has been being revisioned now, and i have had to take 6 weeks off of school. Just been in a void.

I fail to see the surprise everyone seems to be experiencing. For one i left more than 2 years ago. And the last year or so i have had the most minimal contact as the other party emotes and much drama about anything and everything that i had to cut most contact venues.
Seems to me that is a good indicator that separation is not far off.

My only regret in all of this is the time that was completely wasted and that i did not do this 2 and a half years ago.
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#2 bezevo

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Posted 26 July 2018 - 12:32 AM

bummer  ..sorry for your turmoil in your life it will be big relief when done ,

hang in there


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#3 PsyBearknot

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Posted 26 July 2018 - 09:34 AM

<hugs>
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#4 Alder Logs

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Posted 26 July 2018 - 10:12 AM

Nobody is who they think, though most everyone is trying to maintain their ideas if identity.   Change here in this realm is the most consistent thing we see.  What is consistent in us has no attributes to maintain.   It's not an idea.   If people's ideas about how things should be can't easily change, it can be some level of crisis for their idea of self.    You filling some criteria has become essential to their image.  Not much you can do about that.   Your letting go isn't going to be their letting go.  

 

We make our ideas of self out of what we believe came before and try to control what's comes next.   The ideas have never been true, as one day we think of it one way, and the next day, something else.   What we have is now.   Not much point in filling out score cards.  Even the game changes.   Life can be enough without past and future.   We've all seen that, eh?


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#5 onediadem

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Posted 26 July 2018 - 10:53 AM

 Not all endings are easy. All my hopes for a brighter future. It will be as bright as you allow it to be.


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#6 pharmer

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Posted 26 July 2018 - 01:18 PM

It's all about the future now.


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#7 Cue

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Posted 26 July 2018 - 02:14 PM

The divorce is between me and another individual
 

Yeah, I kinda figured that.

 

Why are divorces so expensive?

Because, they are worth it.

 

I lost a good friend in a divorce.


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#8 av8or

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Posted 26 July 2018 - 03:35 PM

We only the minute we are in to live, even that is in the past. Work towards your goals and be not worried by the thoughts of others, for they will change like the direction of the wind. Many thoughts are with you on this journey from your extended family on these pages. Rest well, for your strength only comes from within. 


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#9 MsBehavin420

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Posted 26 July 2018 - 08:47 PM

I left an ex. He called child protection services on me (not his kid) and talked so much shit to several of my friends, who I still don't speak 13 years later and others are so badly damaged they won't be the same. The only good thing that came out of it was showing me I've grown by not calling cps on her when she had a son. She did unfortunately get breast cancer but from my understanding she's fine now
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#10 drmcnasty

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Posted 27 July 2018 - 08:55 PM

I damn sure can't give relationship advice but when it comes to divorces I have that part figured out. As you have already seen, you have to completely start over. Friends usually steer clear of the drama. Women tend to stick together so your married friends are barred from hanging out with you . Some of the in-laws start to grow on you as well.

Sorry you have to go through this but if it doesn't work then that's what you have to do. I will admit that the two best feelings in life are quitting a job and finalizing a divorce. FREEDOM!!!!

Good luck
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#11 whirledpeas

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Posted 27 July 2018 - 09:04 PM

yes, you are right. My female married friends have quickly dropped me. I guess divorce is contagious? But bitching endlessly about a partner is "bonding"? hhh
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#12 drmcnasty

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Posted 28 July 2018 - 09:26 AM

Yeah, like I said, no advise on keeping a marriage together. I guess you are either willing to compromise or not. At some point even compromise goes out the window too. I can sum up the dynamic of the human relationship in 6 words but then everyone will think I'm an asshole so I will keep it to myself.

People need to think long and hard before jumping into a marriage! If there is anything you would like to change about your partner than you need to look elsewhere. People are who they are and you can't expect them to change.
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#13 Alder Logs

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Posted 28 July 2018 - 09:49 AM

Our personal images have their own scorecards and check lists.   When we fit into someone else's cards and lists, based on their criteria, we then of course must keep up appearances.  Part of our card might be counting them in relationship for our own tally.    If one comes to see how all the personal stuff is the masking of the true simplicity of life, one might see that all our perceived problems somehow connect back to keeping a bunch of items checked off our lists and holding up our scores.  The cards and lists can loom so large as to make perceiving the inherent joy of this current breath to be completely overlooked.    Life goes on while we try to maintain the images we were taught or came to believe were important.  

 

Going back to some real basics, it was good to learn not to shit our pants.  It's a practical plus to not be packing around a load.   But that consideration got buried behind the greater personal motivation of appearances.   We begin to avoid shitting our pants more for image than how it might look or smell.  

 

Just because everyone else's image of you might demand something of you, you see you must let that go now.   Don't allow your own idea of image take precedence over the freedom of this moment.    Checking in with now, without a check list or scorecard, we find we are free to make the next move unencumbered.   Faith is to keep moving with the trust in ourselves to meet the unknown.   Keep coming back to now.   If ties to past are cut, allow your now to meet what's coming with the same freedom, which is the nature of now.   You're going to be okay, but only right now.   Now will not fail you.  Living in the present does not make us stupid.   Spontaneity is far better suited to life than planning.


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#14 whirledpeas

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Posted 28 July 2018 - 09:25 PM

Exactly.

And more practically, i wont support an adult financially who has no good reason but excuses that they can not get up before 5pm and make contributions. I went above and beyond and that is the thing no one can argue. And i am not arguing. I don't owe another adult sh*T.
If anyone had a problem with that then they can take up the mantle of being the human ATM. I am over it and over the conjecture from other about what i did or did not do.
Some things just stop working.

This was only about my disappointment that most relations have been so shallow, i had some crazy idea i had some value beyond what i could pay for.
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#15 av8or

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Posted 29 July 2018 - 08:29 PM

I think the Beatles said it so well, " there are none so blind as he who will not see "  The fact that people spend most of their lives on the outside looking in at others and judging, doesn't hold much value to their decisions making. Stay true to ones self and you will be on the road less traveled, but also that of peace for ones self. Be strong in all that you do and the rewards will be yours. Sending positive vibes from afar and a cyber hug your way. 






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