... all those naughty things they were sure to disapprove of (which sometimes felt like almost everything). In the family household, drugs and sex in particular were strictly taboo, sinful in fact
With a head full of Camus, Kierkegaard and cannabis,
this Jesus garbage just didn't make sense anymore.
I grew up in this house. Overprotective, hyperattentive, helicopter parenting, super-religious warnings and fire and brimstone until I was about 8 or 9, then bam, total absence of everything. Just a kid caught in the gears like an oil rag, fucking things up. Mostly I think my parents were trying to do right by sending me to sunday school, but whatever this was Texas some odd number of decades ago. My dad wanted a boy, my mom wanted a doll, et cetera blah blah we're all fucked up.
"Since drugs were much easier for a timid bookworm to acquire than sex, I dove headlong into a rocky relationship with alcohol, cannabis and tobacco that lasted through most of my teens and twenties" Yeah, I discovered drugs, like we all do? Except I'm retarded and didn't find them until well into my 20s. Point is, if you're doing too much you already know you're doing too much. Me too.
"So I tiptoed around their ostentatious home at night" - I know this music.
"scraping together enough money to buy a van" - Don't. Say. Van. Unless it's that van Luke Perry gets into in the movie Buffy. Or maybe Matthew McConaughey but still that's a little bit *ich* =P. Sorry, I'm being aesthetically preachy right now. But seriously, mad props to indp inde I N Dupend independence. Yes. Fuck me I can't spell right now.
"With a head full of... Kierkegaard and cannabis" - LOVE THESE WORDS. Fuck yeah.
"this Jesus garbage just didn't make sense" - Take from that what you will. All the good Christians do, anyway!
"I spent two summers as a construction laborer" - I love you?
"keep up appearances for my parents, to whom "success" is measured out in dollar signs" - The world, and the parts of it we use, can be measured and counted. It's important in certain respects, to ... RESPECT the thing which surrounds you and made your existence possible. Keep it clean. Tread lightly. But measuring people against one stick is what we do when we don't envision something broader, truer, more encompassing. That's ok. It's a stage, humanity is moving through it more or less right now.
God! You've given me so much to read. I don't know how it ends, even though you've spelled it out right before me. I can't process any more right now, I'll have to leave it for later.
For now, take it easy, be safe... until next time!