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Killing the Father and Petting the Cat

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#21 DonShadow



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Posted 19 September 2018 - 07:14 PM

So, escape from the pathology of being something, being something that is definable, is very difficult. 


A high form of grace is to heed that urge in us to not be any more than being.   It is the urge for the freedom which we deep down know we are.   "No, I am not that."  If we can say that about the things we have believed ourselves to be, we break free of the bonds of karma itself.   The only thing that ends in such a seeing is what never was.  


It sounds very attractive, the idea of not being anything. I've tried pretty damn hard at that one for most of my life, and I guess I've done a pretty good job since I've never committed to anything for more than a few years. I'm not so sure about breaking free of karma though, since, as you pointed out, there is still the problem of other people to deal with.



It's us and them, and they define us, and woe be to whoever does not conform.


Chaos may have mercy on my nothingness for a while if it survives the sterilization process, but there's always the risk of contamination by other personified chaos somethings.


"A poet is one who writes without being a writer." --- Jean Cocteau.


But what if one poets without being a poet, Jean?

#22 Alder Logs

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Posted 19 September 2018 - 11:19 PM

The grace for me was to see that all the somethings I ever thought and believed I was were nothing.  Not as substantial as thin air.   All stories of being this or that, in a conveyor belt of identity.   All the notions of being something are as frames in a movie.   So really, there is nothing to do, or not do.  Because there really is no doer.   The doer is a character in the play, and the play is also nothing of substance.  It's a different play as viewed from every seat in the house.   We can return tomorrow and sit in the same seat, at the same showing, and it's not the same play.   We may think we know the lines, and the plot, but yesterday's showing was not today's.   Someone truly different is viewing it.


We can start to observe our stories, and our roles in them, and see we know nothing really.    Having a body, or identifying as this body, are two completely different things.  One is true, and the other, an assumption.   Our thoughts will pass through our minds, but when they are joined with our assumptions of identity, they go in a completely other direction than when, in any moment, we know detachment.   About four or five grams of wood lovers and there sure as fuck will be an adjustment in the identity department.   We can be shown that way, little clues about how we go through life all caught up in our, and other's, stories.  


Eventually, if one insists on truth, the false starts to show up for what it is, and isn't.    We are not these bodies, minds, stories...   Definition means nothing.  It's all lie.   It's one thing one day, and something else later.   Truth doesn't work like that.  Truth is what sees the changing in the eternal awareness of itself.   The stories don't go away with being aware of them.  They do lose their power, when the roles are seen for what they are, because the characters are all made up. 

Edited by Alder Logs, 19 September 2018 - 11:22 PM.

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#23 darci


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Posted 05 October 2018 - 08:15 PM

... all those naughty things they were sure to disapprove of (which sometimes felt like almost everything). In the family household, drugs and sex in particular were strictly taboo, sinful in fact


With a head full of Camus, Kierkegaard and cannabis,


this Jesus garbage just didn't make sense anymore.


I grew up in this house.  Overprotective, hyperattentive, helicopter parenting, super-religious warnings and fire and brimstone until I was about 8 or 9, then bam, total absence of everything.  Just a kid caught in the gears like an oil rag, fucking things up.  Mostly I think my parents were trying to do right by sending me to sunday school, but whatever this was Texas some odd number of decades ago.  My dad wanted a boy, my mom wanted a doll, et cetera blah blah we're all fucked up.


"Since drugs were much easier for a timid bookworm to acquire than sex, I dove headlong into a rocky relationship with alcohol, cannabis and tobacco that lasted through most of my teens and twenties"   Yeah, I discovered drugs, like we all do?  Except I'm retarded and didn't find them until well into my 20s.  Point is, if you're doing too much you already know you're doing too much.  Me too.


"So I tiptoed around their ostentatious home at night" - I know this music.


"scraping together enough money to buy a van"  - Don't.  Say.  Van.  Unless it's that van Luke Perry gets into in the movie Buffy.  Or maybe Matthew McConaughey but still that's a little bit *ich* =P.  Sorry, I'm being aesthetically preachy right now.  But seriously, mad props to indp  inde I N Dupend independence.  Yes.  Fuck me I can't spell right now.


"With a head full of... Kierkegaard and cannabis" -  LOVE THESE WORDS.  Fuck yeah.


"this Jesus garbage just didn't make sense"  - Take from that what you will.  All the good Christians do, anyway!


"I spent two summers as a construction laborer" - I love you?


"keep up appearances for my parents, to whom "success" is measured out in dollar signs" - The world, and the parts of it we use, can be measured and counted.  It's important in certain respects, to ... RESPECT the thing which surrounds you and made your existence possible.  Keep it clean.  Tread lightly.  But measuring people against one stick is what we do when we don't envision something broader, truer, more encompassing.  That's ok.  It's a stage, humanity is moving through it more or less right now.


God!  You've given me so much to read. I don't know how it ends, even though you've spelled it out right before me.   I can't process any more right now, I'll have to leave it for later.  


For now, take it easy, be safe... until next time!





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#24 TVCasualty


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Posted 29 October 2018 - 09:31 PM

You didn't grow up in Orange County by any chance, did you? Sounds like it, since I spent some time growing up there and I recognized much in your very eloquent account.


When the movie Orange County came out I almost wanted to sue the writer for plagiarism except I hadn't written any of it down yet (but that movie nailed my childhood pretty damned close to perfectly). I had a similar reaction to reading your post; it's like we were neighbors back then, or something. I suppose every mansion on the hill had some bewildered kid wandering around lost in it; guess I wasn't alone after all, lol. I do consider myself lucky that my parents were not religious, but I can attest to the fact that secular mindfucks can mess children's heads up quite effectively, too.


Anyway, thanks for sharing that. And like others have said, keep writing!

Edited by TVCasualty, 29 October 2018 - 09:31 PM.

#25 prof_it_e



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Posted 08 April 2019 - 11:19 AM

Uh yeah... should have turned your back on the whole thing the minute you stepped out of his car after he rode over the cat; that's, easily, grounds for disowning someone in my book. How does someone that's done that ever imagine they are entitled to the moral high ground... like... ever..? Weird the entitlement that comes with what... money... christianity... the guy needs help. I'm so mad right now. Argh. You did write it out well though; thanks for sharing!

Edited by prof_it_e, 08 April 2019 - 11:26 AM.

#26 Alder Logs

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Posted 08 April 2019 - 11:48 AM

Hey prof_it_e, don't be a stranger here!  Good to see you.

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#27 DonShadow



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Posted 09 April 2019 - 08:53 PM

Much of what I have written in this thread (and many others) is a long-winded catharsis, the result of a lot of repression rising to the surface the only way that it could have. The resentment I have felt toward my parents (in particular my father) was due largely to my ostracizing myself from the home at an early age. The family environment was suffocating enough that as I teenager I felt the need to physically and emotionally distance myself from my relatives in order to discover for myself what was the source of the alienation I felt, not only from my family, but from the world at large. I learned fairly quickly not to accept the rare gesture of assistance from my family, since it always came with some kind of a guilt-trip, and I wanted not to be beholden to them in any way. In a certain sense my actions could seem very selfish, but in my heart I knew that what I was doing was right. Receiving conditional love from my parents was not as important to me as discovering what love could be, what it really feels like to be taken seriously, listened to and understood, a privilege which I have had to fight for throughout my whole life.


The unfortunate consequence was that I was forced to become fiercely independent in order to make my way as an uneducated young person in one of the most expensive regions of the world. I became a tunnel-visioned workaholic, and I was very tight-fisted with my finances, except of course with alcohol and other vices. In my relationships with other people I was often self-sacrificing, but unwilling to accept generosity myself. My romantic relationships often ended because I was unable to give or receive adequate love, and much of my energetic resources were depleted trying to understand my own deficiencies.


I spent a great deal of time imagining myself a victim and a scapegoat, but this was shortsighted and vain thinking. We all suffer from culture's disease, and any vitriol or resentment aimed at my family was only a foolish but necessary step toward a broader, more critical perspective. My father suffered terrible physical and emotional abuse by my grandfather, and he often had to watch helplessly while my grandmother was literally beaten and berated. His whole life has been spent recovering from that torment, and his motivations as a parent and a doctor have been an effort to heal these wounds in himself. Ironically, it seems more often than not, wounded healers inflict injury not only upon themselves, but also upon others in the effort to find the cures they seek. Through analyzing my father's behaviors, I am finally beginning to identify and root out this unconscious propensity in myself. I realized that the behaviors we find most offensive in others are often the evils that we unconsciously enact upon the world ourselves. This is symbolically portrayed in Star Wars when Luke Skywalker fights Vader in the cave on Dagobah; what he had assumed was the enemy was of course only that hidden evil inside of himself.


I still believe it is important to give oneself a certain amount of freedom to express vitriol and anger toward one's parents. This is the soul standing up for itself. I recently was provoked to anger and projected some deeply repressed material at my father. The result was actually quite surprising, because his response was not that of anger, but rather the surprised recognition that, despite his intentions, he had caused me a lot of hurt. In expressing his perspective on the matter, he allowed me to see the pain that he carries from his past, and how he really has always tried his best to be a good father at every moment. I felt ashamed for my selfishness, but I didn't dwell in the shame. We are both, in our own ways, doing the work of healing the world. Sadly, when we separate from people, we maintain the memory of who they were when we left their company. This can lead to projections that misrepresent who they are, and neglects the reality that people are at all times in a state of change. Likely due to his desire to have a relationship with me, my father has become a much more gentle and patient person. Much of his anger toward me for my interest in mushrooms was due to his concern for my safety, and probably a repressed desire to try them and look inside himself. The best I can do to help him understand my convictions is to treat him with respect, and demonstrate through my behavior the good work the mushroom really is doing in my life.


Eating mushrooms has resulted in a gradually increasing openness that allows my shadow to ebb and flow, and to be traded in equal portion with light. It is better to let go of the darkness; no matter what, it will eventually escape anyway, with or without our consent. What matters is that we remain vigilant, observe our behavior, recognize our errors and move on in the light of renewed awareness and increased capacity for love. We must be persistent in our efforts to embody the ideals we profess to believe in. We are inextricably tied to our past. Despite that it can cause us grief and persistent bad habits, it also makes us who we are, and contains within it the encoded image of our calling in the world. Our efforts to correct the deficiencies of the past create symbolic remedies which we can in turn use to help others in the future.

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#28 PasF



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Posted 10 April 2019 - 06:51 AM

Don, you had me leaning into my screen wanting more. The pain was palpable. This may sound odd, but you gave me some relief knowing I'm not alone.



Thanks man




#29 swayambhu



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Posted 10 April 2019 - 08:34 AM

Being a parent is hard. You go into it with the full intention of being this joyful, loving, fun, wonderful parent.
Then you realize first of all that you are no more capable of escaping previous patterns of behaviour in your role as parent than you were in your role as husband, co-worker, friend, productive member of society, etc. etc.
The next thing that happens is that you realize that your kids are also not manifestations of this ideal version of yourself. They are not mini-you starting over with a clean slate. They are individuals with their own way of being, and better yet, they are individuals with just the right genetic or epigenetic expressions to feed off of the behavioural patterns that have evolved along with them since the beginning of time.
And even better than that, they may not be little expressions of you or their mother. They migh be expressions of your fat, gay, bad breath having doughball cousin, artfully combined with their mother's asshole psychopath charlatan great great uncle who's name you don't even know!
So, you know, it's a weird scene, and sometimes when you think you're doing it right your kid thinks your being an asshole, and vice versa. Sometimes? No, actually most of the time.
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#30 Alder Logs

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Posted 10 April 2019 - 10:13 AM

Maybe the good news is, the Gordian knot was not untied, but cut. 

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