Much of what I have written in this thread (and many others) is a long-winded catharsis, the result of a lot of repression rising to the surface the only way that it could have. The resentment I have felt toward my parents (in particular my father) was due largely to my ostracizing myself from the home at an early age. The family environment was suffocating enough that as I teenager I felt the need to physically and emotionally distance myself from my relatives in order to discover for myself what was the source of the alienation I felt, not only from my family, but from the world at large. I learned fairly quickly not to accept the rare gesture of assistance from my family, since it always came with some kind of a guilt-trip, and I wanted not to be beholden to them in any way. In a certain sense my actions could seem very selfish, but in my heart I knew that what I was doing was right. Receiving conditional love from my parents was not as important to me as discovering what love could be, what it really feels like to be taken seriously, listened to and understood, a privilege which I have had to fight for throughout my whole life.
The unfortunate consequence was that I was forced to become fiercely independent in order to make my way as an uneducated young person in one of the most expensive regions of the world. I became a tunnel-visioned workaholic, and I was very tight-fisted with my finances, except of course with alcohol and other vices. In my relationships with other people I was often self-sacrificing, but unwilling to accept generosity myself. My romantic relationships often ended because I was unable to give or receive adequate love, and much of my energetic resources were depleted trying to understand my own deficiencies.
I spent a great deal of time imagining myself a victim and a scapegoat, but this was shortsighted and vain thinking. We all suffer from culture's disease, and any vitriol or resentment aimed at my family was only a foolish but necessary step toward a broader, more critical perspective. My father suffered terrible physical and emotional abuse by my grandfather, and he often had to watch helplessly while my grandmother was literally beaten and berated. His whole life has been spent recovering from that torment, and his motivations as a parent and a doctor have been an effort to heal these wounds in himself. Ironically, it seems more often than not, wounded healers inflict injury not only upon themselves, but also upon others in the effort to find the cures they seek. Through analyzing my father's behaviors, I am finally beginning to identify and root out this unconscious propensity in myself. I realized that the behaviors we find most offensive in others are often the evils that we unconsciously enact upon the world ourselves. This is symbolically portrayed in Star Wars when Luke Skywalker fights Vader in the cave on Dagobah; what he had assumed was the enemy was of course only that hidden evil inside of himself.
I still believe it is important to give oneself a certain amount of freedom to express vitriol and anger toward one's parents. This is the soul standing up for itself. I recently was provoked to anger and projected some deeply repressed material at my father. The result was actually quite surprising, because his response was not that of anger, but rather the surprised recognition that, despite his intentions, he had caused me a lot of hurt. In expressing his perspective on the matter, he allowed me to see the pain that he carries from his past, and how he really has always tried his best to be a good father at every moment. I felt ashamed for my selfishness, but I didn't dwell in the shame. We are both, in our own ways, doing the work of healing the world. Sadly, when we separate from people, we maintain the memory of who they were when we left their company. This can lead to projections that misrepresent who they are, and neglects the reality that people are at all times in a state of change. Likely due to his desire to have a relationship with me, my father has become a much more gentle and patient person. Much of his anger toward me for my interest in mushrooms was due to his concern for my safety, and probably a repressed desire to try them and look inside himself. The best I can do to help him understand my convictions is to treat him with respect, and demonstrate through my behavior the good work the mushroom really is doing in my life.
Eating mushrooms has resulted in a gradually increasing openness that allows my shadow to ebb and flow, and to be traded in equal portion with light. It is better to let go of the darkness; no matter what, it will eventually escape anyway, with or without our consent. What matters is that we remain vigilant, observe our behavior, recognize our errors and move on in the light of renewed awareness and increased capacity for love. We must be persistent in our efforts to embody the ideals we profess to believe in. We are inextricably tied to our past. Despite that it can cause us grief and persistent bad habits, it also makes us who we are, and contains within it the encoded image of our calling in the world. Our efforts to correct the deficiencies of the past create symbolic remedies which we can in turn use to help others in the future.