Paradox
©
Fisana

Jump to content


Photo
- - - - -

Bad images


  • Please log in to reply
17 replies to this topic

#1 darci

darci

    snarky butt monkey

  • OG VIP
  • 1,203 posts

Awards Bar:

Posted 20 September 2018 - 04:49 PM

I'm afraid I've been paying too much attention to the world lately.  I want to know what's going on, but I don't know why I do when there seems to be practically nothing I can do about it.

 

I can't change any systems.

 

I can't stop people from being blind to the suffering they create.  The suffering just goes on.  Knowing about it hurts me as much as it hurts those who feel it directly.

 

I think I'm going crazy.  I mean this sincerely.  In a frightening, oh-god-this-can't-be-happening kind of way.

 

I feel hopeless, powerless, useless, unknown, unrecognized, alone, screaming from the mountaintops down to the valleys toward people who can neither see nor hear me.

 

I'm finding less reason to speak any more.  People at work ask me why I'm so quiet.  Some have accused me of being introverted, bitchy, antisocial, or having a dark and mean heart.  Maybe I do.

 

Lately I have had images entering my mind that I can't seem to stop.  Pictures of myself being torn to pieces, exploded, burned.  All the atoms of my body turned to brilliant plasma in that infinitesimal instant of the detonation of a nuclear bomb.  And a million more things much worse.  I'm having trouble keeping them at bay.  It feels easy to look into the abyss now, and let go.

 

I fall asleep at night with these images, and wake up with them.  It's as if I can't get a night of rest any more.  I feel like I could just sleep forever.  I want the light to dim, my eyes to close, I want to exhale and let go of everything, and never ever come back.

 

My body hurts.  I feel weak.  I feel absolutely exhausted.  My joins ache constantly.  I can't seem to summon energy or will to give a damn enough about anything to provoke a single muscle fiber to twich in some meaningful action.  I just feel like nothing matters any more.

 

I would turn to friends, but I really don't have any.  The only family I ever really knew were 3 people:  my dad, my mom, and a cousin.  The only one still here is my mom, someone who is incapable of providing support, nurturing, companionship, guidance, or love.  I feel like I need someone else in my life, but I have no idea how to find such a person.  I don't think it's possible to make new old friends.  At my age, I feel the sun setting.  I never expected it so soon.

 

I see the signs of the world pointing toward the drain, and feel we are headed to something more awful than we can imagine, and no matter how hard I would try to stop it, the world will go its own way.

 

Now I just spend my time trying to avoid pain.  There is no pleasure seeking.  There are no rewards left.  No distractions.  Television, the internet, drugs, thrills of any kind are like a person stuffing their face with candy while the ship takes on water.  There is no dopamine, no seratonin, no improvement of my condition, nothing meaningful changing for the better and all avenues toward progress blocked.  I'm simply at the edge of the cliff and a bulldozer is pushing me off of it.  The momentum of the world is far stronger than any opposition I can offer it.

 

Socially, economically, physically, and spiritually... I feel like I need rescue.  I'm lost at sea, my muscles are exhausted, and I can't swim any longer.  There is no lifeboat.  No coast guard.  I'm just waiting to die.  All the struggle and fight I have within me is gone.

 

I'm so tired of fighting.  So tired of giving all I've got just to stay alive.  

 

The magic has left the world, and all that exists in its place is darkness and evil.

 

I want out.  All I can think of is suicide anymore.


Edited by darci, 20 September 2018 - 05:01 PM.


#2 onediadem

onediadem

    Insidious Drivel

  • OG VIP
  • 15,271 posts

Awards Bar:

Posted 20 September 2018 - 06:30 PM

I know that anything I could ever say will not make much of a difference if that is your goal, or final resolve. I would like you to know, that even though we have never met, it would have an impact on my life. I have known 4 people online that have killed themselves and it does leave a scar that never goes away. We are all like lifetime pen pals, and sometimes, time gets away from us, but we always wonder about people and how they are doing.

 

Darci, your life has value. More value than I even think you realize. I have always been a captive reader of your posts, and what I know is, you are smart, witty, funny, and make this site better for you being on it. Only you have the power to make your life better, but if there is anything any of us are capable of helping you with, please ask. That is all I ask of you. To please ask any of us for help. Because guess what.. We fucking care. no matter what your head may be telling you. We do.


  • sandman, coorsmikey, Skywatcher and 1 other like this

#3 sandman

sandman

    Mansplainer

  • Honorary Former Staff
  • 3,651 posts

Awards Bar:

Posted 20 September 2018 - 06:59 PM

Please call 1-800-273-8255 you need to talk with your voice to a real person that cares about you.

 

I am so sorry that you feel this sadness. You can get through this.



#4 sandman

sandman

    Mansplainer

  • Honorary Former Staff
  • 3,651 posts

Awards Bar:

Posted 20 September 2018 - 07:04 PM

The world can be so dark and cruel but simultaneously it is so beautiful and wonderful and full of love. It really depends on where your microscope is pointed. Don't give in to the darkness. You must find where to look for the love and beauty. 


  • onediadem, coorsmikey and DonShadow like this

#5 Myc

Myc

    El Jardinero

  • App Administrator
  • 6,783 posts

Awards Bar:

Posted 20 September 2018 - 07:24 PM

We are spiritual beings having a human experience. 

As spiritual beings we have ultimate power - over life and death, or to choose to seek out the light from which we are all born. Ultimate power.

Our songs and our poetry can inspire rage, fear.........induce joy and feelings of intimacy. We can mis-use our talents to reinforce erroneous thinking which is a disservice to our higher selves. 

 

I've personally made a victim of myself in precisely the same ways as you are victimizing yourself. I wish I could share with you a small ray of the sunshine which brightens my life today - but something tells me we rise under the same sun. 

If you just can't help yourself, be of service to someone else. Crash an AA or NA meeting for awhile. Meet some folks.

Depression is a low-energy  state easily maintained by doing nothing different. 


  • onediadem, sandman, Skywatcher and 3 others like this

#6 Skywatcher

Skywatcher

    Twilight Walker

  • Moderator
  • 6,807 posts

Donator


Awards Bar:

Posted 20 September 2018 - 08:04 PM

Darci, you DO have friends who care about you here. I know its not the same as someone right with you, but we do care, The world and how we see it changes every day in many small and large ways. You are right in that we don't feel sometimes like we can do anything about what hurts and is painful going on in the world, but that underestimates the power of something as small as a smile to a stranger...................

 

Maybe it does not change the world overnight, but it for at least one moment, can change the heart of another soul who shares this world, and that in turn can be spread to more.

I'm smiling to you Darci, although we are not strangers.

You bare your innermost soul here, and I don't think you realize how many of us here react with a pang of shared hurting because we care..................

 

The heart that feels the worlds pain so deeply, can also feel its beauty more fully. The magic does not leave, we just need to look in the right place.

Keep talking if you need Darci, you have many caring hearts listening.


  • onediadem, sandman, Myc and 2 others like this

#7 Alder Logs

Alder Logs

    ૐ शान्तिः शान्तिः शान्तिः ૐ

  • Moderator
  • 13,590 posts

Donator


Awards Bar:

Posted 20 September 2018 - 11:02 PM

I lived many decades trying to one, save the world, and two, giving myself in service.   The details of the world I took most seriously were the destruction of what Nature has given here, what's left of it.   The service I dolled out was taken advantage of by most, really appreciated by only a very few.   I opposed corruption in government, and took seriously the myth of democracy, here in this corporate state for many years.   So, through these battles I used to define my life and grade its experience.   I took it personally.  The person I saw myself as was much as the person you just described.  

 

It was only in the realization that I was not, and had never been, that person I had so believed I was, that the self hatred finally abated.  That made up person had a bad start, and his checklist for what would improve the image went long with little getting checked off.  What did come to fill the list never brought lasting satisfaction, but just wait, it will be the next thing.    But no, there's still the world to save, soul mates to find, everyone waking up to what a good gent I have been, helping so many.  

 

One true friend who, every time I was hitting issues with people fucking me over, and my world shaking to pieces, would tell me, "just be in witness through it."   The last time things were at a bottom for me, I gave that a go.   I saw myself really having the blues.   I saw it and made no judgment about it.  I guess it was because I had to be seeing it not as me, but just as the seeing itself.   The seeing didn't have any comments on what was seen.   Then it sort of dawned on me, in this seeing was that Alder Logs character, but who was I, this seeing of it? 

 

In the seeing of that construct of a me nothing was missed, including the actual truth of that it was only a construct of shoulds, shouldn'ts, coulds, and couldn'ts.   These things were not what I am, if I am the seeing.   The me I was seeing had visualized killing his body ten thousand times over the horrible shortfalls of what he'd expected of himself, for even the most petty faux pas, and for the hardened poor self image he'd built through decades of self reinforcement.    The only reason I could give my VA psychologist that I would not end my life was that I had always been visualizing doing it, but so far never had.   Not much for her to trust I wouldn't actually do it.

 

With the seeing of the made up AL, there was something completely unexpected; there didn't need to be any replacement for him.  I could get along without him, and he didn't need replacement as some new improved model of me.  It would be the same bullshit made up image of a human, still with the same habits of going through his garbage to get a self image.   Without the old me, and not needing a new one, here was still this body, still living, with the baggage of the bullshit seen through.   That fucking AL was no longer going to shoot this innocent body, thinking it was him.   AL's tenure was over.   The life I am is always a clean slate.

 

Yes, the image of a world is still there, but the personal investment, if it could be called that, is in life.   Some days are not as nice as others, it's true.  But they aren't here as some score card for the life in this body.    My days aren't here because of yesterdays or tomorrows.   There are still accomplishments and fuckups, but they don't weigh on some character's bona fides.   Being life is quite enough, and happiness is its base state.   Peace is the base state.   It will look to any passerby that there is a person here.   But it is just life, and that's the way it has to look.    If I want the kinds of burdens I felt before, all in need is to make it all personal again.   For that, I have to make up and believe in my being some person's memories and plans.   I make plans, but not for something so unreal as some old score cards.  

 

I imagine this all sounds pretty crazy, but it sure beats the crazy that came before it.   I am life, and I love it.   I know it will go on when this old body craps out.  I don't live in fear.   I care deeply as ever for this world, but I can see it is all here for me, as I truly am.   I wouldn't change a minute of it, for having gotten to here and now.


Edited by Alder Logs, 20 September 2018 - 11:13 PM.

  • Myc, niemandgeist and DonShadow like this

#8 darci

darci

    snarky butt monkey

  • OG VIP
  • 1,203 posts

Awards Bar:

Posted 21 September 2018 - 01:43 PM

Thank you to everyone who has replied.  I am reading your words.  I plan to respond.  Right now, I have more steam I must let off or I'm going to explode.

 

I’m struggling financially.  My bank account hovers precariously near zero.  Rent, food, and transportation eat up about 105% of my $30k gross income.  I drive a honda that’s almost 6 years old, rent an 850 square foot apartment, and have student loan payments of about $600 a month.  I love shopping but it happens on Amazon to save gas.  I’m aware that now over half of my clothes were made in China, and feel guilt and shame supporting any business that employs slave labor.  At least my small closet isn’t even full, but I’m supposed to look professional at work, wear the skirts and dresses and heels and be a model mannequin at the front desk.
 
I have never taken an actual vacation my entire adult life, and only take time off work if I’m so sick I can’t move (and it’s happened recently).  I don’t see friends after work, since I don’t really have anything more than colleague/acquaintances who cycle through the turnover rate about once every four months.  I don’t go out to eat, except sometimes the drive-thru when I’m starving and don’t have time to shop, cook, eat, and clean.  I don’t gamble.  I very rarely drink.  I’ve even cut my smoking down to almost never.  My social and entertainment life has been reduced to second-hand books and netflix.  I’m accused of eating too much “avocado toast,” something I’ve never laid eyes on.
 
I repeat every day the same as the last.  Wake up dreading the repetition.  I know exactly what to expect of the day, and there are seldom any surprises.  Just sick and pissed off people wondering why they can’t get the treatment they deserve, doctors who are perpetually unavailable, and being the punching bag for people getting billed $26 for a single tylenol.  I can’t take it anymore.  The entire healthcare system is a disease on humanity.  It provides few real cures, doctors aren’t permitted to heal, the only thing that matters is the money.  “Fuck you, pay me” as was said by a mob boss in some movie I saw some years ago.
 
If I dare turn on the news to see what’s going on in the world, I get sick.  My stomach tightens, my muscles tense, my heart aches and anxiety eats me alive.  What little good news they relinquish comes at a price.  It’s like hearing “You’ve got stage 4 acute myelogenous leukemia.  You’ll be dead within a month, but there is good news: we have complementary soft drinks in the lobby.”
 
I watch as people struggle around me.  Everyone wants a voice but nobody’s listening.  It’s like everything is upside down.  Governments abuse human rights instead of protect them.  Banks steal from their customers.  School destroys creativity and independence.  Police shoot first and ask questions later.  News tells you lies.  Businesses underpay their employees, use what they stole to gamble with, then lobby the government for bailouts when they go broke.  An honest person becomes a disposable commodity, all of us the same, just heads of cattle prodded up the ramp by alarm clocks and interest payments to the eventual slaughter to be consumed by a thing whose appetite for profit is unending.
 
It’s all madness and it’s driving me crazy.  And the worst part about it is that if I ever speak out against what’s going on around me, everyone turns and looks at me like I’m the crazy one.
 
My mother keeps coming back at me with the same message.  “If you’re so wise and smart about everything, then why ain’t you rich?”  This, coming from a woman who thinks the word “ain’t” is still a word.  She forces me to sit down and watch Fox news with her, while a man who makes $16 million a year lectures my age group on how to be responsible with money.  “He must have something to offer if he’s making $16 million a year!”  My mom says.  As if the only road to success in this world is to lick the boots of our fascist overlords and become a public relations mouthpiece covering up their inhumanity.  My only shame for every job I’ve done has been being more productive than this asshole on TV and getting paid a lot less for it.
 
I just want out.  This world is mad.  This world is sick.  It’s like that old movie “Invasion of the bodysnatchers” where even though you look around and everyone looks the same, you can’t tell whether they’re working for the good of mankind, or their brains have been taken over by propaganda, diseased culture, indoctrination, and brainwashing.  The masses chant “Für Amerika,” praising their institutions while riding the conveyor belt into the meat grinder, unknowing that it is their own energy which drives the misery so far and wide.  
 
I blaspheme when I criticize a phenomena that falls under the righteous umbrella of capitalism: To get rich in a world of money means you don’t create until your cup overflows, it means you take until there’s nothing left.  This is what the most powerful people in the world are doing.  A handful of wealthy people own more than half of the human population combined.  Is it because of their righteousness?  Their generosity?  Their creativity?  If it is any of the three, it is the third, but not because they created great ideas, but because they created clever, insidious, sneaky, dark, wretched ones.  To take what God gave us all, hide it behind a wall, and sell it piece by piece.  Clever ways to disguise cost, to ensnare customers, to heap burdens of compound interest on those who can least afford it.  How can anyone fail to see that compound interest is a tax on the poor and a subsidy for the rich?  Same with the stock market, which the parasites preach is the heart of our economy, when in fact it is a life-stealing malignant mass.  And of course, how can you fail to notice that other mantra repeating throughout the world of business and economics: growth.  Never-ending growth in a finite world.  Unceasing growth beyond anyone’s rational needs.  Growth so insisted upon that they would burn the world down just to watch it grow again, because the capitalist needs investments for which they can get returns because NOT ONE OF THEM WANTS TO CONTRIBUTE SOMETHING REAL TO SOCIETY BY DOING ACTUAL WORK.
 
These words come from a woman whose last date of employment was nineteen-eighty-something, succeeded by the most proud accomplishment of her life, marrying my father:  “Make your money work for you!”
 
“What money?” I ask my mom.  “Well, if you’d grow up maybe you could be trusted…”  
 
At 33, I’m still not “grown up.”  Maybe I just ain’t meant to.

  • onediadem, Skywatcher, Alder Logs and 1 other like this

#9 Cuboid

Cuboid

    Mycotopiate

  • Free Member
  • 597 posts

Posted 21 September 2018 - 02:17 PM

Darci,

You're certainly not the only one that feels trapped in a system which they find repulsive. I don't fit into capitalism. It's just money as a proxy for power and thus legalised bullying of the 'weak' aka poor by the 'strong' aka rich. Trickle down economics is a mf'ing lie for sure. More like the whole thing is a damned pyramid scheme.

I find it almost impossible to find any joy in this life, i have been severely depressed a number of times over the last decade and somewhat depressed my whole life I think. Microdosing seems to have helped stave off the worst of it, I haven't been suicidal in the last year so there's something positive. I'm still far from happy though. I guess  I have a life time of not dealing with it the right way to undo.  A decade of SSRI use to undo ... A better understanding of chronic illness and nervous system dysregulation and emotional dysregulation to come to and hopefully apply therapeutically ... It's progress of sorts but at a snails pace.

I saw your post last last night but panicked and didn't know what to say - I was scared I might put my foot in it and tip you in the wrong direction. I'm not known for diplomacy and tact, sorry. It al hit rather close to home and I couldn't find the words.

I'm relieved you sound a bit less desperate and are talking about the stuff that is bothering you. I know it helps me to vent so keep venting and we'll keep listening.

All the best,

Cuboid.


  • onediadem, Skywatcher, Alder Logs and 1 other like this

#10 PapMyc

PapMyc

    Mycophiliac

  • Free Member
  • 72 posts

Posted 21 September 2018 - 02:58 PM

Hi Darci I'm so happy that you decided to talk about your frustrations. I used to keep things bottled up inside untiI I exploded at some stupid little thing. Usually at a loved one. You have recognized your concerns at an early age where I didn't address my issues until about age 50. Ten years later things are much better but definitely not perfect. Help us available for you at a local county level and costs for service are based on your income. They helped me.

I stopped watching the news as very seldom is there good news. All the 'crap' you mentioned has been going on for centuries and is human nature. Evil wins if you give in, so you need to resist the best you know how. Reaching out for help and guidance shows you want to have a better life.

Money and things make our lives easier but usually not better. I am so much happier being poor (20k) then I ever was at 70k. Clothes, the latest gadgets, or new cars do not define you as society thinks. You define yourself by what you do and say irregardless of what others think.

My coming to Mycotopia was determined by how people on this site respect others and themselves by how they voice their opinions, unlike most of the internet. I'm sure a number of members will help where the can by using PMs for private conversations. I am willing to help where I can if you want. My four kids are in your age range ( 26-36 )with similar life issues.
  • Skywatcher, Alder Logs and DonShadow like this

#11 Myc

Myc

    El Jardinero

  • App Administrator
  • 6,783 posts

Awards Bar:

Posted 21 September 2018 - 05:26 PM

"unknowing that it is their own energy which drives the misery so far and wide."

 

I think your higher self made a statement of importance. 

Maybe consider what you're doing with your energy. Perhaps ponder, in depth, what Alder had to say. At first, the mind resists, but then, it remembers that none of this really matters. We're tripping - and we control the trip. 

 

TVCausualty once suggested that we are all angels sitting around passing a DMT pipe. 

I'm starting to wonder if he's right. 

If that's the case, when I come down, I'm with you and never touching "drugs" again. I may need you to remind me and I'm counting on you because sometimes, that next hit is so tempting.............


  • Skywatcher and Alder Logs like this

#12 DonShadow

DonShadow

    Mycotopiate

  • Free Member
  • 301 posts

Awards Bar:

Posted 21 September 2018 - 06:26 PM

Thank you for continuing to share your thoughts with us Darci. I believe that expression is the most powerful weapon there is. Turning your feelings into words is like stitching up a tear in the fabric of reality. I'm about your age, a little younger, but I suspect we're seeing the world from a similar vantage point... ...the front row. We are the first generation to be saturated by such a violent wave of information, to realize and bear witness to the evil that, until very recently, used to carry out its business locally, out of sight from the rest of the world. That there is even such a thing as instantaneous global information sharing, the internet, social media, speaks a message that even the most observant people often fail to hear. The Canadian media theorist Marshall McLuhan famously said that "the medium is the message". What could he have meant by that? When I first heard that odd statement several years ago I was pretty perplexed, and soon cast it off as pretentious drivel. It wasn't until I started to eat mushrooms and follow their gentle direction that it really began to dawn on me. I think what McLuhan meant is that, the very presence of media, the very fact of its existence, should arouse suspicion. Why can't we just think for ourselves? Why is it that the universe is showing us all of this horror and violence? Is it some sort of brainwashing, like Alex's therapy scene in "A Clockwork Orange"? Or, is reality trying to tell us something? I think I know why. I think it's because we are loved. The vast intellect that hides itself behind all of the appearances, all of the material sensory stuff, is working on a plan that involves all of the most sensitive and compassionate people who are prepared to stand up proudly for what is good, true and beautiful. You know deep in your soul what is right, that's why it fills you with sorrow to see the world on the precipice of obliteration. You have been shown the reality of evil because it is only though the knowledge of evil that it can be overcome. You are brave Darci. By expressing the honest truth, by persevering in the face of death itself, you have demonstrated that you are more powerful than the illusion of fear. You are loved, because you yourself are that love. The world needs you Darci!

Weyes Blood - Generation Why?

[Direct Link]


Edited by DonShadow, 21 September 2018 - 08:03 PM.

  • Skywatcher and Alder Logs like this

#13 onediadem

onediadem

    Insidious Drivel

  • OG VIP
  • 15,271 posts

Awards Bar:

Posted 21 September 2018 - 11:02 PM

I too am glad you are back today talking it out. People think because they do not have a bankful of money that there is nothing they can do to solve the problems of this world. You have the ability to start changing the world right now. A smile to someone who is on the brink of jumping off a building. A smile and a hello to someone who feels there is no one left who cares. A compliment to someone who could have just been dumped by her husband. It really is not the big things that change the world, it is all of us, giving small acts of kindnesses from the heart that cost nothing but a free act of kindness. That is what will change the world. I refuse to watch any news channel. It is nothing but lies and bullshit to brainwash us into being trodden calves, following nose to ass, and I like the way the flowers smell off of the beaten path.

 

I am sorry, but I would tell your mother to go fuck herself. She is feeding a sick need inside of herself to lord money or whatever else over you and until you say no more, enough is enough, this cycle will never stop. It very well could be the shock she needs to realize you are a grown woman who deserves so much better than the hand fed bullshit she dishes out to you. This is a very touchy subject for me because I too had similar. It stopped when I told them to go fuck themselves. It took a couple decades, but I have a good relationship with them now because they know my boundaries.

 

I care about you Darci, a lot. And I also feel we are all kindred spirits here. You are part of our tribe girlie, so there!


  • Skywatcher, Alder Logs, DonShadow and 1 other like this

#14 Alder Logs

Alder Logs

    ૐ शान्तिः शान्तिः शान्तिः ૐ

  • Moderator
  • 13,590 posts

Donator


Awards Bar:

Posted 22 September 2018 - 10:51 AM

I came in late last night, tired, after my long town day and a big get-together at the neighbors for dinner.  Not my usual day.  So, I began reading at post #8 and knew I didn't have even the juice left to read, and had to put even that off until this morning.   I will start by saying that post #8 deserves to be published widely. 

 

What seems pretty clear to me is this; what's going on can't go on much longer.   Too many springs and rubber bands have been compressed and stretched beyond points of no return.    The financial bubbles are at bursting points.   The biosphere's most urgent messages are being shouted down in the corporate media echo chambers.   All the handbaskets ever made are in a headlong race into Hell.   We know who is driving them.   I say, let them go.    If we're here, we are here for a purpose.    It is always to wake up from the dream.    Bless whatever that is, if it's enough. 

 

If something is happening to me, the important thing to see is not the thing that's happening, but who is the me who identifies the things as a personal circumstance?  If that me can be seen to be a creation of mind it comes into a greater perspective, a perspective of, "I am not that."   What's happening is just what's happening.   Seen from not being what's happening, but from the place of an eternal, ongoing seeing that's been us all along, we might see that the personal me has made its story straight out of its assumptions at any given moment, and these assumptions could always have changed, and often did.   Yet somehow we have always trusted what we think at each moment, not acknowledging our own fickle self images. 

 

We don't have to pretend to be a person!    We can cop to the truth of ourselves as what makes this thing called conscious awareness.   We don't own it, as some person.   We start believing we are the person, and it's this person that makes the awareness, out of its divine powers.   This is the dream we came here to awaken from.   When all the bullshit we come to accept as who we are is dropped, all that's left is love.   All I ask here is to entertain what I just wrote as a possibility, not as who you think you are, but from the silence that lies within your own heart.   Admit that you've always known the bullshit was bullshit.   That knowing is there.  At least I trust it is.   I always knew it, even though it took 67 years to admit it. 


  • TVCasualty, Skywatcher and DonShadow like this

#15 TVCasualty

TVCasualty

    Embrace Your Damage

  • OG VIP
  • 11,300 posts

Awards Bar:

Posted 23 September 2018 - 01:42 PM

I can certainly relate to all the thoughts and feelings expressed in the OP. I suspect that many if not most if not all of us can (and if not now, then some day we will; there seems to be no escape, with the key word there being 'seems').

 

One of the first signs of the beginning of understanding is the wish to die

-Kafka

 

 

 
TVCasualty once suggested that we are all angels sitting around passing a DMT pipe. 
I'm starting to wonder if he's right. 
If that's the case, when I come down, I'm with you and never touching "drugs" again. I may need you to remind me and I'm counting on you because sometimes, that next hit is so tempting.............

 
I never said "angels," lol...
 
And yeah, I won't be hitting that pipe again anytime soon. I mean, daaaaaaamn... (I'll knock it right the fuck out of your hand on the Other Side if necessary so long as you agree to do the same for me, lol).
 
 

“If you can think of times in your life that you’ve treated people with extraordinary decency and love, and pure uninterested concern, just because they were valuable as human beings. The ability to do that with ourselves. To treat ourselves the way we would treat a really good, precious friend. Or a tiny child of ours that we absolutely loved more than life itself. And I think it’s probably possible to achieve that. I think part of the job we’re here for is to learn how to do it.”
― David Foster Wallace

 

 

This can also be a problem (I've been revisiting Wallace's writings lately; good stuff):

 

“Lonely people tend, rather, to be lonely because they decline to bear the psychic costs of being around other humans. They are allergic to people. People affect them too strongly.”
― David Foster Wallace, A Supposedly Fun Thing I'll Never Do Again: Essays and Arguments

It's definitely one of mine, though the inner inferno of my last Shattering seems to have finally burned away the last bits of expectation and reflexive aversion to psychic pain that I'd been clinging to, so I'd say there is an element of patience involved since growth takes time, and is always painful as far as I can tell.

 

It was quite a moment when the Shattering finally stopped, and it happened very recently (as in about a month ago; my visits here have been infrequent the past few years for a reason). It was like the choke-point in an hourglass; my whole life up until that moment got funneled/compressed down into a Singularity of excruciating self-awareness (and little else) until my mind finally 'popped.' It was 'checkmate' this way, 'checkmate' that way, with no end or escape in sight until I finally hit my Limit. That's the point where a lot of people pull the trigger or whatever and end it, but I knew that that was not an option for me (my very first mushroom trip cleared that issue right up, permanently). So self-imposed death was not an option, but being conscious was literally unbearable so SOMEthing had to give.

 

It was like a fuse blowing (the big one), or a barrier that I'd perceived to be utterly impenetrable for years suddenly evaporated into the Nothing that it had always been. The "I" that was trapped in the illusion of self-awareness (it was a good story, dammit!) burned away to the nothing that it had always been, too, leaving behind only a sense of inconceivable vastness of both time and space (it was sublime; words fail, tears of profound gratitude were shed). And like after passing through the narrow part of the hourglass, everything instantly expanded again back into a Universe that was bigger than the cramped and austere little room in my head it had gotten stuck wandering in circles in. I finally understood what Leonard Cohen meant with the lines "Ah, I don't believe you'd like it/ You wouldn't like it here/ There ain't no entertainment/ and the judgements are severe."

 

 

The actual Universe was the same 'size' the whole time, of course, and all of its perceived limits were really only my own. I mean, duh... It really is pretty funny in retrospect, but ONLY in retrospect (what I call "Shrunken Universe Syndrome" is a real rough mo'fo). I'm pleased to report that the newly-attained level of awareness and understanding that it brought have stuck (so far); the 'me' of a few months ago was lost in the fire; I'm someone else now. It feels ...good! The previous two fires/Shatterings "I" endured didn't quite burn my old "me" away, but this time the fire was more than hot enough to leave nothing behind of what was never really 'something' in the first place. Everything looks different now that I've unclenched my mind from the fear of further pain and loss, which was at least as bad as the pain itself. I'm not really satisfied with these words, but they're all I got for describing something that cannot really be described (if mere words could do it then self-help books would actually work!).

 

 

 

So it sounds to me like you (Darci) are at the cusp of such a moment and are currently undergoing a Shattering, which is how those moments seem to manifest, at least so long as we don't do anything hasty and ill-advised first (there are many ways to throw our lives away besides suicide). There's always a bit of demolition involved in any renovation, so there's really nothing for the pain but to endure it, if not embrace it; it's fastest path to the next level, after all. It could take years, depending on how obstinate we are in opposing our own deep psychic unclenching (for lack of a better way to put it). The sooner we Surrender, the sooner we get there.

 

I'm as obstinate as it gets in opposing my own happiness, so it took me over 10 horrible, painfully-lonely, and often-terrifying (but very informative) years of wandering naked in a blizzard at night searching in vain for a cabin in the wilderness that had a nice fire going that I could take shelter in before I realized I could build my own goddamned fire wherever I want, with or without a cabin. And I don't have to beat the shit out of myself anymore, either! Turns out I never needed to kick my own ass at all since there is no shortage of people around who feel strongly compelled for whatever reason to handle that for me.

 

So in retrospect I'd say that enduring such pain was an investment that paid off big-time. So is the spiritual cost of engaging with one's fellow humans. It's expensive as Hell, but we really can't afford not to do it. Posting here definitely counts, so you're not a lost cause by any stretch. None of us are, and we're all in this together whether we realize it or not.

 

There is Light at the end of the tunnel. Sure, it's a long and very dark/scary tunnel, but it does have an end so don't quit walking when it's at its darkest. The Light ain't gonna come find and present itself to us, after all; this is our Journey to take. It's what we're here to do/learn (as far as I can tell anyway).

 

 

And Alder, I feel compelled to give credit where it's due and add that your thoughts and insights into these sorts of things that you've posted over the years definitely helped me get to this point sooner than I likely would have otherwise. You can point at Mooji and other Masters if you want to pass the credit along, but the distillation of those insights and incorporating them into personalized, custom replies to myself and others that greatly accelerated my own and I'm sure others' understanding of them was all you.

 

You might assert that you were "merely" the bridge used to get these insights into our heads quicker, if you prefer, but that still counts since bridges are essential for getting to certain places, and no one has to be one; it's a choice. You're like the Obi-Wan Kenobi of Mycotopia, lol. Much appreciated.


  • Myc, Skywatcher, Alder Logs and 1 other like this

#16 Alder Logs

Alder Logs

    ૐ शान्तिः शान्तिः शान्तिः ૐ

  • Moderator
  • 13,590 posts

Donator


Awards Bar:

Posted 23 September 2018 - 04:18 PM

But I am nothing.

 

 

...tears of profound gratitude were shed...

 

Makes me suspect something true.

 

 

 

 

 

"...bridges are essential for getting to certain places...

 

From pastyoureyes' gallery:

 

gallery_150062_1556_54777.jpg

 

With the caption:

 

"Found this cup while collecting aluminum cans by the river. My reward for a good deed?"


Edited by Alder Logs, 23 September 2018 - 04:34 PM.

  • Skywatcher, Juthro and pastyoureyes like this

#17 darci

darci

    snarky butt monkey

  • OG VIP
  • 1,203 posts

Awards Bar:

Posted 25 September 2018 - 08:16 AM

I'm staring at a plate of dry shrooms right now, terrified to take them for fear of how much I might cry, but knowing how badly I need to.

 

I don't think I cry like other people do.  Not like on TV.  Not like in movies.  Not like I've seen in person.

 

Crying is like giving birth.

 

It hurts really, really bad, it comes in waves, every moment could kill you, and it won't be over for a long time.  Sometimes panic sets in, and real desperation.  Like dying.  The soul reaching outside of the self for something to hold on to.  And this is without shrooms, they are just a catalyst.  The explosives expert who knows precisely where to set the charges to fell the tower, to crack the dam.  Then all hell breaks loose.  It isn't safe for anything nearby, including the person crying, since they are the crumbling architecture itself.


Edited by darci, 25 September 2018 - 08:18 AM.

  • DonShadow likes this

#18 pastyoureyes

pastyoureyes

    Mycotopiate

  • OG VIP
  • 472 posts

Donator


Awards Bar:

Posted 03 November 2018 - 08:04 PM

But I am nothing.



...tears of profound gratitude were shed...


Makes me suspect something true.







"...bridges are essential for getting to certain places...

From pastyoureyes' gallery:

gallery_150062_1556_54777.jpg

With the caption:

"Found this cup while collecting aluminum cans by the river. My reward for a good deed?"

Wow I was surprised to find this here, guess im in the right spot how is that for serendipity?

That time that picture was taken was during a period when I was actually at my happiest in life. Those moments are fleeting at best.

As a survivor of suicide I can relate to the way Darci feels, I grew up with thoughts of suicide and its been a lifelong battle. I really don't talk about it much anymore but still feel it. The past 2 years I destroyed my life in ways I never imagined possible difficult to explain but my behavior was like a soft suicide that could have easily led to an actual attempt but did not. These recent dark times still haunt me sometimes but I'm doing more to make life better at this point and its getting to be easier to put it out of my mind. Last year this time I would cry in the shower everyday before work.



Be good to yourself Darci.

Edited by pastyoureyes, 03 November 2018 - 08:05 PM.

  • Alder Logs likes this




Like Mycotopia? Become a member today!