I can certainly relate to all the thoughts and feelings expressed in the OP. I suspect that many if not most if not all of us can (and if not now, then some day we will; there seems to be no escape, with the key word there being 'seems').
One of the first signs of the beginning of understanding is the wish to die
TVCasualty once suggested that we are all angels sitting around passing a DMT pipe.
I'm starting to wonder if he's right.
If that's the case, when I come down, I'm with you and never touching "drugs" again. I may need you to remind me and I'm counting on you because sometimes, that next hit is so tempting.............
I never said "angels," lol...
And yeah, I won't be hitting that pipe again anytime soon. I mean, daaaaaaamn... (I'll knock it right the fuck out of your hand on the Other Side if necessary so long as you agree to do the same for me, lol).
“If you can think of times in your life that you’ve treated people with extraordinary decency and love, and pure uninterested concern, just because they were valuable as human beings. The ability to do that with ourselves. To treat ourselves the way we would treat a really good, precious friend. Or a tiny child of ours that we absolutely loved more than life itself. And I think it’s probably possible to achieve that. I think part of the job we’re here for is to learn how to do it.”
― David Foster Wallace
This can also be a problem (I've been revisiting Wallace's writings lately; good stuff):
“Lonely people tend, rather, to be lonely because they decline to bear the psychic costs of being around other humans. They are allergic to people. People affect them too strongly.”
― David Foster Wallace, A Supposedly Fun Thing I'll Never Do Again: Essays and Arguments
It's definitely one of mine, though the inner inferno of my last Shattering seems to have finally burned away the last bits of expectation and reflexive aversion to psychic pain that I'd been clinging to, so I'd say there is an element of patience involved since growth takes time, and is always painful as far as I can tell.
It was quite a moment when the Shattering finally stopped, and it happened very recently (as in about a month ago; my visits here have been infrequent the past few years for a reason). It was like the choke-point in an hourglass; my whole life up until that moment got funneled/compressed down into a Singularity of excruciating self-awareness (and little else) until my mind finally 'popped.' It was 'checkmate' this way, 'checkmate' that way, with no end or escape in sight until I finally hit my Limit. That's the point where a lot of people pull the trigger or whatever and end it, but I knew that that was not an option for me (my very first mushroom trip cleared that issue right up, permanently). So self-imposed death was not an option, but being conscious was literally unbearable so SOMEthing had to give.
It was like a fuse blowing (the big one), or a barrier that I'd perceived to be utterly impenetrable for years suddenly evaporated into the Nothing that it had always been. The "I" that was trapped in the illusion of self-awareness (it was a good story, dammit!) burned away to the nothing that it had always been, too, leaving behind only a sense of inconceivable vastness of both time and space (it was sublime; words fail, tears of profound gratitude were shed). And like after passing through the narrow part of the hourglass, everything instantly expanded again back into a Universe that was bigger than the cramped and austere little room in my head it had gotten stuck wandering in circles in. I finally understood what Leonard Cohen meant with the lines "Ah, I don't believe you'd like it/ You wouldn't like it here/ There ain't no entertainment/ and the judgements are severe."
The actual Universe was the same 'size' the whole time, of course, and all of its perceived limits were really only my own. I mean, duh... It really is pretty funny in retrospect, but ONLY in retrospect (what I call "Shrunken Universe Syndrome" is a real rough mo'fo). I'm pleased to report that the newly-attained level of awareness and understanding that it brought have stuck (so far); the 'me' of a few months ago was lost in the fire; I'm someone else now. It feels ...good! The previous two fires/Shatterings "I" endured didn't quite burn my old "me" away, but this time the fire was more than hot enough to leave nothing behind of what was never really 'something' in the first place. Everything looks different now that I've unclenched my mind from the fear of further pain and loss, which was at least as bad as the pain itself. I'm not really satisfied with these words, but they're all I got for describing something that cannot really be described (if mere words could do it then self-help books would actually work!).
So it sounds to me like you (Darci) are at the cusp of such a moment and are currently undergoing a Shattering, which is how those moments seem to manifest, at least so long as we don't do anything hasty and ill-advised first (there are many ways to throw our lives away besides suicide). There's always a bit of demolition involved in any renovation, so there's really nothing for the pain but to endure it, if not embrace it; it's fastest path to the next level, after all. It could take years, depending on how obstinate we are in opposing our own deep psychic unclenching (for lack of a better way to put it). The sooner we Surrender, the sooner we get there.
I'm as obstinate as it gets in opposing my own happiness, so it took me over 10 horrible, painfully-lonely, and often-terrifying (but very informative) years of wandering naked in a blizzard at night searching in vain for a cabin in the wilderness that had a nice fire going that I could take shelter in before I realized I could build my own goddamned fire wherever I want, with or without a cabin. And I don't have to beat the shit out of myself anymore, either! Turns out I never needed to kick my own ass at all since there is no shortage of people around who feel strongly compelled for whatever reason to handle that for me.
So in retrospect I'd say that enduring such pain was an investment that paid off big-time. So is the spiritual cost of engaging with one's fellow humans. It's expensive as Hell, but we really can't afford not to do it. Posting here definitely counts, so you're not a lost cause by any stretch. None of us are, and we're all in this together whether we realize it or not.
There is Light at the end of the tunnel. Sure, it's a long and very dark/scary tunnel, but it does have an end so don't quit walking when it's at its darkest. The Light ain't gonna come find and present itself to us, after all; this is our Journey to take. It's what we're here to do/learn (as far as I can tell anyway).
And Alder, I feel compelled to give credit where it's due and add that your thoughts and insights into these sorts of things that you've posted over the years definitely helped me get to this point sooner than I likely would have otherwise. You can point at Mooji and other Masters if you want to pass the credit along, but the distillation of those insights and incorporating them into personalized, custom replies to myself and others that greatly accelerated my own and I'm sure others' understanding of them was all you.
You might assert that you were "merely" the bridge used to get these insights into our heads quicker, if you prefer, but that still counts since bridges are essential for getting to certain places, and no one has to be one; it's a choice. You're like the Obi-Wan Kenobi of Mycotopia, lol. Much appreciated.