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#1 darci

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Posted 22 December 2018 - 04:29 AM

So of course there's a part of me that rejoices in the awareness that has grown lately of some of the problems in the way human beings have related to each other.  I am glad that there are people who think they are doing good things by speaking out or taking action, although I don't believe much will change until the culture at large changes in fundamental ways.  I think right now there are some rules in place and habits in practice that are still reinforcing attitudes and behaviors that have the side-effect of causing harm in certain situations, times, or places.  Overall, I think the United States is one of the better places to live on this planet.  Things are still generally pretty good here, compared to some of the awful stuff that happens in other places.

 

My own personal fear, the one which haunts me daily, that leaves me generally exhausted from the constant energy expenditure on being hyper-vigilant, the fear that occupies me so constantly that I must also simultaneously fear that I'm losing my mind and succumbing to paranoia... has been realized for 2 very unfortunate human beings.

 

If you know what I'm talking about, and can understand the sickening revulsion, the raging ire, the disgust, the heartbreaking tears of just knowing that this event occurred... I am opposed by a paradox: an impossible desire to scream, with no words to give the sound meaning.

 

I'm just so sick and angry.

 

Where are the real men.

 

What is this world coming to.

 

How do we get out of this.

 

And where do we go from here.

 

I feel like my heart just takes a beating every day.  I won't die of old age, I'll die of heartbreak.  I'm having so much trouble finding the good any more.  I know it's around me, it should be everywhere, but walking on this earth lately makes me feel like there's something wrong with gravity.  Everything just feel so heavy.

 

I want to console the family of these girls but I have nothing to say.  I loved my little pet baby but to lose my own child this way.  Flesh and blood.  Oh these animals.  Subhuman.  Otherworldly evil.

 

I want these monsters erased from the Earth.  I hate them for polluting my heart with knowing what they've done.  I feel broken from this and I'm having trouble recovering. 

 

I wake up telling myself "not again!"  I won't read the news.  I won't get caught up in stories I can't see.  I know it will drive me crazy.

 

Ah, god I don't know what I'm saying or why I'm posting again here, I just feel so... gut wrenchingly awful and I can't stop crying

 

I need to stop coming here for counseling. I realize this.  It's too much and I know I'm being a drama queen.  I'm ashamed about doing it.  I'm embarrassed.  I just don't really have anyone I can relate strong feelings with in my own real life.  The kind of people I wish I could talk to don't seem to be anywhere nearby from what I can tell.  The people here seem to get what I'm feeling a lot better.  I apologize.  I know I'm a grownup and need to get my act together but I guess I'm weak and just can't take the heat.  I feel like I need to develop thick skin but it just hurts so fucking much.  Eh, here comes the desire to scream again.


Edited by darci, 22 December 2018 - 04:36 AM.


#2 PJammer24

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Posted 22 December 2018 - 12:44 PM

What happened in Morocco is nothing short of heartbreaking... You hit that right on the head... Two beautiful women, exploring the world, and just beginning to realize who they are independent of their families... They were just starting to take on and live life....

Makes me think about my littles sis and cousin who have become world travelers. They were both recently in Nepal on separate trips...

Then I sit back and look at the big picture... There are 7.5+ Billion people on the planet... What we see on the news are the actions of far less than 1% of the worlds population... We see only the worst and most disturbing stories... Click bait and entertainment... “How can we grab their attention, how can we scare them?” is what they are asking themselves....

What about the other 99%+? What about the billions of normal, for the most part decent, people in the world? What about all the kindness and good that happens every day but goes unreported because it isn’t eye catching?? Because it isn’t click worthy???

Is the world F’d up? Hell ya it is! We are human beings! We are all F’d!! There is turmoil between the good and bad in all of us and no one is perfect... I don’t see a reality that involves a planet full of humans that isn’t F’d!!!

BUT!!!

There are BILLIONS of decent people on the planet who want to be doing the right thing...They want to be good people, their intentions are pure! Sometimes they fail, they’re human and life can be hard, but they approach life with pure intentions...

How do I come to terms with the nature of life on this planet??? I choose to look at the fact that there are far more good people, far more acts of kindness, far more smile worthy actions than vial cringe worthy ones...

I truly feel for the families of those two women... I couldn’t begin to imagine the pain I would feel if that was my sister or cousin... I wash things like that never happened...

Rather than get drained by the reality that these events happen, that it’s part of the human experience, and the fact that our news sources make them appear to be the norm... I choose to focus on the other 99%, the billions of flawed humans who If given a black and white choice would choose the white more often than not! There are far more people trying to make their way through the world doing the right thing then there are doing the wrong...

The news makes it appear differently, but I strongly feel that we are still on the positive side of the ledger and by a good margin....


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Edited by PJammer24, 22 December 2018 - 01:06 PM.

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#3 Alder Logs

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Posted 22 December 2018 - 12:50 PM

Do consider that nothing is, nor can it be, what we think.


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#4 PJammer24

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Posted 22 December 2018 - 01:11 PM

Do consider that nothing is, nor can it be, what we think.


Thank you Confucius!!

I have read my fair share of eastern philosophy. I subscribe to a lot of how I understand it... but how can we even start to apply the philosophy if the philosophy is not, can not, be what we think...??

I guess that’s the point...


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#5 Coopdog

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Posted 22 December 2018 - 04:21 PM

Darci I had not even known of this because I REFUSE to watch the news anymore. I hate that show no matter what side is portraying their brand of hate and division. My opinion... it sucks that this happened, but the fact is that in the world that exists today, two beautiful young women are NOT free to roam the world alone, and they went into the jaws of the bear and got what naturally occurs when you tempt fate. Much of that world is populated by people that have no respect for eastern women, especially young pretty ones who they consider to be fruit for the plucking as they are infidels, and according to their religion it is ok to do whatever they want to them. It frightens me that this country is inviting people like that to come live in our cities next to our own young women and children. 

 

Women are not as able to defend them selves and can be overpowered even if they know defense skills. The balance of power is just way too far off for most of them to be able to effectively defend against a group of men. I know there are women out there that can and do kick ass, but they are much in the minority. The world at large is just not safe for an unaccompanied woman. That being said I very much respect the fearless way they went at life, and they died doing something they loved to do. Fate can be cruel. 



#6 HooKworm

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Posted 22 December 2018 - 05:23 PM

This was common while I was in Iraq. I’ve seen so much meaningless death and destruction I came to the realization our species , no matter how evolved we believe we are, are just a bunch of stupid monkeys that seek division and death while cheering our ideologies all the way into our graves. Well , aren’t I a ray of sunshine. I don’t read the news but reading this made me curious. This is why I don’t read it. It’s distorts my perception of reality. And I refuse to be distorted by all the negative anymore. Peace to you all.
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#7 darci

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Posted 22 December 2018 - 06:42 PM

I just...  I just believed in a different world.  I guess I was spoiled.  Even though I was raped I still can't go as far as to believe that there are people with nothing in their hearts other than the desire to cause unbelievable amounts of pain, not just to the victims directly but to everybody who loved them.

 

I can't fathom the nature of a person who can do this to someone else.  It feels like these monsters robbed the world of something beautiful and precious.  I could see that they were innocent looking at them.  Naive.  Being so shouldn't make you vulnerable.

 

Strangely, I had been thinking a lot about my dad.  I know I was young and foolish.  I could have so easily been one of these girls, with my wide eyes and free dreams.  And if this happened to me, I guarantee you 100% that my father would have found them personally and killed them all with his own hands.  I just believe it as much as I believe the sun shines.

 

I have found my breaking point. I want light and love everywhere, but no matter my willpower to remain enlightened or elevated in my understanding of this, all I can feel is hate.  These creatures have inspired me to utterly loathe who they are and who and what they represent.  It makes me a willing racist and xenophobe and a vengeful fire burning in me.  And waves of tears.  I think of their mothers and the fact that the pictures and videos were posted on their facebook page! by these subhuman creatures... and I feel like I could just wretch and vomit out black goo just from the thought.  

 

I hate them for corrupting my mind and my spirit with this.  I hate anything and anyone who seeks to create pain, sorrow, and suffering.  

 

I wonder if the highest wisdom has anything to say about the responsibilities of good people in the world of evil.  How much action is justified, what should we do to protect ourselves.  How do we die without regret in our hearts if we must contend with evil and necessarily become someone who has this past in their history.

 

I need to cry some more.  Maybe be back later.


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#8 Coopdog

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Posted 22 December 2018 - 06:47 PM

Big hug for you Darci. There are still good men in the world who would fight to their dying breath to defend an innocent person. I know they are out there because I am one of them and I know I am not alone. Hang in there and don't lose your light, just keep it close and watch your back. Being vigilant is the best thing you can do for yourself and I know from reading your posts that you are that. Hang in there girl there is still goodness in the world.


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#9 Alder Logs

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Posted 22 December 2018 - 08:14 PM

 

Do consider that nothing is, nor can it be, what we think.


Thank you Confucius!!

I have read my fair share of eastern philosophy. I subscribe to a lot of how I understand it... but how can we even start to apply the philosophy if the philosophy is not, can not, be what we think...??

I guess that’s the point...

 

That nothing is what we think is true, the actuality, and not intended as a philosophy.   To believe we can superimpose some system of thought over the experience of this life, as it is, not as we believe it to be, is just as much believed in story as anything we may read or see in the bleed and lead press.   Firstly in my experience, though it took much of a lifetime for this one to see it, I was never even the story of who and what I thought I was!    If we can break through and see that we are and never were our ideas of personhood, then seeing that, all the stories we believe will lose their terrible charge.   It is in the armoring of our images where we must hold their ground against perceived threat.   When we let our perceptions define our life, we start missing our life.   When we let push media occupy our perception, we get what they push.  

 

So, I also had to put Morocco into a search to find out what was causing this disturbance in the Force.    It's a terrible story.   But, it's a story.   Is there empathy, now that it's known?  I would say, "of course."    I have the ability to imagine the feelings of pain and loss for everyone who relates to the story.   There is no philosophizing that will do for anyone truly taking the story to heart.   I will say this; the ideas of persons doing such things could not satisfy any philosophical construct I could offer.   It could be that no philosophy has anything which would serve here.

 

My call-out would be to the practicality of seeing clearly if we are our stories, or if we are something else.   If we are not our stories, i.e., what we think, then what?   What were we before we thought we had to be something?    I would venture that we were happy.    If life started kicking the shit out of us early on, we might not easily remember that now, but the original source of happiness is still in there is my guess.   I now, through what has to be great blessing, know and remember that happiness is the base state.   I can only see that when I know that the story of a me, who demands this or that in some impossible deal for some commodity happiness, is a fraud, a made up character. 

 

How to break through, practically?   Be unrelentingly honest about who and what we are.  Don't accept your own story character.   We've always been quick to change our stories if it came to it.   Anything for self image.  Anything but look at self image for what it is, and isn't.    I am not what I think, yet, I am.   No philosophy about it.   I am so glad to be rid of the guy I tried for 67 years to be, remaking him too many times to count, but I never was able to make him real.   Yet, I am.


Edited by Alder Logs, 22 December 2018 - 08:20 PM.

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#10 Guy1298

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Posted 23 December 2018 - 03:40 PM

Even if you're not willing to go for what Alder writes, you can know that you are not those people and this is not your world. 

 

Often, I think it is self-love that makes us want to carry the whole world. It's the same as when people plan to go to school, get a job, become rich, and all of that... self-love. I want to be valuable to myself, so I make my suffering into the suffering of the world. 

 

But, if our minds were clear and peaceful, our power would be better seen to be as small and as great as a smile. Being the smile is much easier than being the world-saver, world-holder, and all of that. 

 

I'm sitting in the clearest most beautiful water on a warm beach, but the knowledge of a storm far away makes me insane. What a waste. There's someone else on the beach...


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#11 Coopdog

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Posted 23 December 2018 - 05:06 PM

Guy that was beautifully spoken. Much wisdom to be had in that simple phrasing. Well spoken good sir...


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#12 Alder Logs

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Posted 23 December 2018 - 10:12 PM

I guess my overly analytical side rules my keyboard.  But here's how I see it.   Subscribing to false identity, even as the world saver I strove to be, was to bargain off any lasting state of happiness.    It was ego, even though ego was on what would seem a worthy mission.   Beyond my attempted being of my ego's desired persona, those 67 years, lived as some idea, stood between what I truly am and the being of it.   None other than this same scourge of false identity creates all those persons and human interactions we might see as evil.    Perhaps the most we can do to bring anyone else's realization of self is for ourselves to be true.  

 

 

 

"I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it."

~Groucho Marx


Edited by Alder Logs, 23 December 2018 - 10:12 PM.

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#13 PJammer24

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Posted 24 December 2018 - 12:19 PM

I can only control my own reaction to things.. That is pretty much the only thing I can control in life... I refuse to let the actions of others ruin me... I have no control over them... 

 

As long as I know that I am doing the right thing and that my actions are pure, there is nothing that can bring me down... For me personally its about doing the next right thing and not concerning myself with things that are completely outside my sphere of influence... Do events like this make me sad? Of course they do but I refuse to let the actions of others ruin me... I am going to continue moving forward and doing what I think is right... If I had been there when these women were hurt and chose to do nothing, there would be reason for my life to be impacted...

 

I choose to surround myself with people I believe have good intentions... I choose to try to be a good person... That is what I can control and only if I stop doing that can I bring myself down... Those kind of people do not and should not impact my well being... 

 

Allowing them to impact your security and well being was EXACTLY their intent... It's terrorism... They want to terrorize and scare you.... I refuse to give them that satisfaction...


Edited by PJammer24, 24 December 2018 - 12:21 PM.

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#14 darci

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Posted 25 December 2018 - 10:47 AM

I'm done.



#15 Sikfreud

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Posted 25 December 2018 - 12:03 PM

Darci ,

I know you feel overwhelmed I am so sorry. I don't know you personally but you are my sister. This world seems so fucked but there is good in it there is peace in it. It starts in our own hearts that's the only real power we have over the evil around us. Please know that there are good loving people and I know you are one of them. I hope you can find peace in your heart. I know you can find it. We all posses it we just need to recognize it and accept it. It is love it is peace. It's the spirit we all posses we just need let it guide us. Please my sister please open your heart. Please my sister don't give in to the suffering. You are loved you are love please look to your spirit let it give you what you need we are all part of something much bigger it is love it is happiness.

You have my prayers Sister I hope you find peace.
I know many more feel the same as I you are not alone in this world.

Namaste'
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#16 Guy1298

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Posted 26 December 2018 - 04:19 AM

When your light and love even extends to murderers then you'll find that there is light and love everywhere.

Edited by Guy1298, 26 December 2018 - 04:20 AM.

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#17 Guy1298

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Posted 26 December 2018 - 12:09 PM

Huh, my mind has been strange lately... don't take me too seriously!  :biggrin:

 

I know some of the feelings you've got in this thread. I didn't grow up in a family unaccustomed to problems. 

 

I've always made a habit of doing loving-kindness meditation with my uncle in mind. He's the uncle that made my mother's life hell from a young age. I remember my mom once told me he made my her eat her sister's shit. I was never compelled to delve too deep into that conversation. But, I'm sure sexual abuse was also involved eventually. 

 

Sometimes the only solution is surrender. My mother is quite religious. She's even told me of some mystical otherworldly experiences in that realm. 

 

But, mostly, I've just been trying to express what's solved the problem for me, not for her. Don't take any of it the wrong way, if you can. 


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#18 Juthro

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Posted 26 December 2018 - 02:08 PM

I think it's worth remembering that if your want to make the world a better place you have to focus your energy on the things you can change.   

 

None of us can fix it all, and though it is in our nature, it does no one any good to beat your head against a wall in response to an injustice that doesn't care if you beat yourself senseless.   I'm not trying to judge or tell anyone what to do, or not do.  I'm just trying to share a simple fact that has brought me some peace over the long years.

 

The world will never be perfect, but together we can make it better.

 

Peace, and love to all my fellow (wo)man.  


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#19 HooKworm

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Posted 26 December 2018 - 02:28 PM

We fix the world one person at a time. Darci , I was thinking about your post today. Hoping time has taken the burden from you. There are a lot of good souls here. And that’s where we find peace. In knowing there is good in this world in spite of all the bad. In that there is hope.
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