So of course there's a part of me that rejoices in the awareness that has grown lately of some of the problems in the way human beings have related to each other. I am glad that there are people who think they are doing good things by speaking out or taking action, although I don't believe much will change until the culture at large changes in fundamental ways. I think right now there are some rules in place and habits in practice that are still reinforcing attitudes and behaviors that have the side-effect of causing harm in certain situations, times, or places. Overall, I think the United States is one of the better places to live on this planet. Things are still generally pretty good here, compared to some of the awful stuff that happens in other places.
My own personal fear, the one which haunts me daily, that leaves me generally exhausted from the constant energy expenditure on being hyper-vigilant, the fear that occupies me so constantly that I must also simultaneously fear that I'm losing my mind and succumbing to paranoia... has been realized for 2 very unfortunate human beings.
If you know what I'm talking about, and can understand the sickening revulsion, the raging ire, the disgust, the heartbreaking tears of just knowing that this event occurred... I am opposed by a paradox: an impossible desire to scream, with no words to give the sound meaning.
I'm just so sick and angry.
Where are the real men.
What is this world coming to.
How do we get out of this.
And where do we go from here.
I feel like my heart just takes a beating every day. I won't die of old age, I'll die of heartbreak. I'm having so much trouble finding the good any more. I know it's around me, it should be everywhere, but walking on this earth lately makes me feel like there's something wrong with gravity. Everything just feel so heavy.
I want to console the family of these girls but I have nothing to say. I loved my little pet baby but to lose my own child this way. Flesh and blood. Oh these animals. Subhuman. Otherworldly evil.
I want these monsters erased from the Earth. I hate them for polluting my heart with knowing what they've done. I feel broken from this and I'm having trouble recovering.
I wake up telling myself "not again!" I won't read the news. I won't get caught up in stories I can't see. I know it will drive me crazy.
Ah, god I don't know what I'm saying or why I'm posting again here, I just feel so... gut wrenchingly awful and I can't stop crying
I need to stop coming here for counseling. I realize this. It's too much and I know I'm being a drama queen. I'm ashamed about doing it. I'm embarrassed. I just don't really have anyone I can relate strong feelings with in my own real life. The kind of people I wish I could talk to don't seem to be anywhere nearby from what I can tell. The people here seem to get what I'm feeling a lot better. I apologize. I know I'm a grownup and need to get my act together but I guess I'm weak and just can't take the heat. I feel like I need to develop thick skin but it just hurts so fucking much. Eh, here comes the desire to scream again.
Edited by darci, 22 December 2018 - 04:36 AM.