Hi all. Firstly, I'm excited to be part of this forum. I get the impression that this is where one should come who is seeking like minded individuals who appreciate and respect the mushroom for what it really is - a sacrament. I first tried the mushroom out of pure curiosity. I noticed how special and how much potential it had the very first time. After that, I explored the Mushroom in many different ways and had, for the most part, very positive experiences. And I became very eager to share this MAGIC with those I loved. And those who I thought could be helped by it. I quickly became the guy that everyone wanted to do mushrooms with because I was able to help them navigate the experience very well.
Then one night, a friend called me and asked for a "spirit journey" very last minute. So I cancelled my plans with my wife and took off into the mountains with my friend, knowing that my wife was looking forward to spending the night with me and was upset about my last minute change of plans.
I had tripped 2 days before so I was concerned there would be some tolerance build up in my brain. So I thought this would be a good night to experiment with combining the mushroom with Syrian Rue, which I had heard can double the effectual potency of the mushroom. So therefore, my usual 1/8th would still feel like an 1\8th. So here I go last minute off into the woods to do mushrooms with Rue for the first time right after eating a rather large steak dinner, knowing that my wife was upset. So needless to say, I was pretty cocky about my ability to navigate the psychedelic realms and thought I could ignore all the rules of set, setting, diet, etc...
The mushroom taught me some very hard lessons that night. And I'm still not over it, now 6 years later. I have made many strides in processing that night. But what happened is the mushroom threw my entire shadow at me. And I experienced it as a literal black cloud that came out of the sky and consumed me in a ball of blue fire. It was like experiencing the Devil himself. The thought occurred to me to pray to GOD for help. But fought it. Because GOD wasn't allowed in my life. God didn't exist. So God came out of the sky in an amazing swirling kaleidoscope of pinks and purples and blues, with a glorious bright light emanating from the center. It was like seeing YAHWEH, but being denied access by SATAN. Knowing that all I needed to do was surrender to God and ask for help and he would save me. But not doing so because I couldn't believe that God existed despite the fact that I could see him and feel his power. And so there was nowhere to turn and I was utterly alone, consumed in fear, and wishing for death. But afraid to die, because it wouldn't make any difference. I would undoubtedly find myself here again after I died. And so I laid there for an eternity screaming and sobbing and shaking, curled up in a ball, until I was released, but with many scars, still in a very uncomfortable limbo between heaven and hell.
I learned some very important truths about myself that night. But many of those truths were very hard pills to swallow. And since that night I have largely avoided the mushroom completely. And only done sub God-summoning doses of other psychedelics (LSD, MDMA, Ayahuasca). Those experiences have helped me process that night into smaller bits that I've been working through. But I'm still running from God. And I'm beginning to feel like I may be ready to stop running. And so, the Mushroom is once again calling to me. And I am beginning a new grow of Panaeolus Cyanescens, a new species for me.
This thread has captivated me-
Thank you to all who contributed to it. Particularly elfstone and DonShadow. I will be following your posts very closely, and would sincerely like to chat about it with you sometime. I wish to join you in your direction with the mushroom, and am eager for as much information as you are willing to share.
Anyway, thank you for reading and I hope to be an active participant here.