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#1 Akari

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Posted 15 April 2019 - 06:22 PM

I bet you guys sure are tired of me. At least those who even remember who I am.
 
I don't even know what to say or where  to start. All I know is you're my only family.
 
I tried changing my thought patterns, which I have. But it really seems like I'm cursed in some way.
 
To give short background, I have 4 kids. 2 live with me, 2 I never ever ever am able to see, but she won't sign over my rights because she wants to milk me for every penny. That's ok.
 
Needless to say, I have a baseline unhappy I have learned to deal with. But also, I have no parents or siblings to help with the kids. And because of child support (and cigarettes) I can't afford a sitter. My wife's mother watches the kids while we work, and due to that will pretty much never watch them in any other situation. I have a child who's about to turn 4. And I've literally, no exaggerating, have had less than 2 weeks away from him since he's been born.
 
Because of the child support, I have no choice but to work a soul crushing job to make ends meet. I was well on my way to happiness and financial stability Autumn of last year, when I wrecked my car (first time) and totalled it. Leaving me no choice but to buy a lemon piece of shit from my friend and go into debt. Tax time comes around and the new car continuously is having problems. I never had a dad, or anyone who taught me how to work on cars. I have no friends or family to help. And not to mention whatever money it's going to cost, and having no friends or family to help with that.
 
Her mother was driving us to work, but her and her daughter got into a fight, so now I have to figure out a ride to work on a day to day basis from random people my wife knows because I literally have no one to ask.
 
On top of all this, fucking 12 years later, and I still have no friends who like to trip. I'm totally crushed by loneliness, and what company I do get is continuously interrupted by children. I literally never get time to do ANYTHING I like. I just work and take care of kids. Literally every plan I ever make, which is literally once every 3 months, I try to fucking trip, but my mother in law always finds an excuse to fucking pull out of watching the kids at the last minute. 
 
I'm literally just going insane at this point. And those of you who know me know I wasn't far off before. I just don't fucking know what to do with my life. I'm honestly considering suicide seriously as an option for the first time. I just don't see a way out.

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#2 picapau

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Posted 15 April 2019 - 07:11 PM

That's heavy.

Most of my trips have been on large amounts of mushrooms.....lots of trips. Always there is a period of time that is overwhelmingly uncomfortable to bear that seems to last forever, in the moment, because time is goo at that point.

When I am in 'normal' awareness I am aware that there are periods of my life that feel like those intense uncomfortable moments on the medicine. Sometimes they last days...or weeks...or even months. As I learn more about 'seeing my way through' rather than seeking a way out...I have learned to come to a place of presence where there is a resource within me that knows it will all pass if I just stay present.

Anyway, I don't know you or of your history here, but I wish for you to unearth your own perspective of that presence in whatever way it weaves itself within you. There could be a lot of other things needing to fall into place before you reach the calmer waters again.

When fisherman can't go to sea they work on repairing their nets.

All that is words and whatnot....but it's meant to acknowledge you and that you are heard.

Keep on moving.~

Edited by picapau, 15 April 2019 - 07:18 PM.

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#3 picapau

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Posted 15 April 2019 - 07:21 PM

Maybe check out this thread DaveyJonez made:

 

https://mycotopia.ne...ics-and-sanity/



#4 Akari

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Posted 15 April 2019 - 07:24 PM

I understand. A way through. But IDK. I'm trying to live through this challenge.



#5 picapau

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Posted 15 April 2019 - 07:30 PM

Yeah it can feel like life or death...no?

 

It was at those moments that I learned the power of my own voice. Which led to chanting and a type of reprogramming for me inthose moments and subsequently in my larger life..

 

You sound dis-enchanted....

 

Perhaps you need to sing/chant...get some power moving through your kinetic field? 

 

 

I do it in the morning and evening.....or whenever I'm moved to.



#6 pharmer

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Posted 15 April 2019 - 07:44 PM

I got nothing but words to help with Akari, but I'll do my best.

 

How bad would it be if the two kids now with you went to live with her? Is she a good mother? or to put it more mathematically - would the kids be better off living with her considering her personality and considering yours? You haven't mentioned her mothering skills so I'll assume they're not horrible and therefore not beyond consideration for raising the other two.

 

IF the two now living with you went with her you'd have some room to breathe which would change the current dark thought pattern and give you some options for changing your money earning circumstances. Of course you'd have visitation rights and could see the kids on a schedule. Not ideal but also not the worse thing in the world considering how you're thinking now.

 

Sometimes we get fed a shit sandwich. How we see ourselves now and later in life has everything to do with what we do with and about the shit sandwich. First and foremost I'd recommend doing the right thing. Your first obligation is to the kids so what's the right thing for them? Then what's the right thing for you? And lastly what's the "right" way to get there. Getting there might be the hardest part but still be the right thing.

 

How is it you're paying child support if the kids are with you? Or did the court give both of you half the kids?

 

If so, maybe you could get custody of all of them and not have to pay the support. At least at that point the insane hours are paying only you to care for the kids to which you've already committed all your free  time. At least with this option the money is at your disposal even if your time is not - but to my eye that would be an improvement.

 

You know you'll not go without emotional support and brainstorming from the 'topia community. Has it ever let a good old friend down if he came asking????


Edited by pharmer, 15 April 2019 - 07:46 PM.

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#7 Akari

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Posted 15 April 2019 - 07:58 PM

Yeah. I understand where that's going.

 
You know, the people who are talking about positive shit and manifestation and all that are the people it worked for. I changed my mind. I was happy and positive for no reason. Now life is beating me down.
 
Now, it it were just me, I could just let go.
 
But I have kids who's lives I can't destroy. I need to keep my job to support THEM, and the car thing is essential because I work nearly 30 miles from my work. (, It's nthe only job that will pay me enough to support the kids over my child support.) I don't really want this job, but I had no choice, because I could never move up in my own field of expertise.
 
Anyways. The point is, what is literally the point in living? 
 
I mean, I'm supposed to let go of everything, not identify with the body.... So why stay alive? Doesn't it seem like suicide is the ultimate letting go.
 
Or would it mean that the act of killing myself essentially meant I was too identified with the body and it's problems...
 
But then, I mean, are my kids supposed to achieve this self realization if I become homeless?
 
It seems like having kids is the ultimate contradiction to this path. 
I'm supposed to not be attached and let go of everything.
But I HAVE to care about my kids.
 
Another reason I can't commit suicide.
Which ultimately makes me feel like my life is not my own, and that I exist only in servitude to this procreation. An instinct forced on my by the creator, or natural selection or what have  you. Either way.
 
Vagina is an addiction I'm born with. And to precounter the next argument, condoms smell fucked off, and I've never been able to use them successfully because the smell kills my erection.
 
And my first two children were both birth control babies.
 
So I didn't CHOOSE to have kids in any way other than being born addicted to a drug I had never tried. (Sex)
 
So...idk

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#8 onediadem

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Posted 15 April 2019 - 08:05 PM

My brother in law and his sister have both killed themselves in the last two years. I would rather hear you are leaving them to be a vagabond, than killing yourself. I have seen first hand the destruction to kids that this action has on them. 

 

Are there two women involved as mothers? I am a tad confused. Perhaps you could just explain to them that for you, a weekend free of bonds is needed for mental heal and clarity to continue the path you are on. Explain in no uncertain terms that you have to have a break because the thoughts you are having seem to be pushing you to permanently abandon them with death.

 

I do hope you find relief without the death card. Made my stomach lurch to read how desperate you are feeling after living through so much death myself.


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#9 Akari

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Posted 15 April 2019 - 08:26 PM

I'm really trying. But I shut you not, hell seems to perforate every molecule of my existence.

 

For example, this weekend. I took vacation time to do acid. Had a sitter set up. My wife gets into a fight with her mom that morning. So my trip is cancelled, that was the break I needed. Decided to do it the next day, but I didn't have cigarettes or weed. So I decided to do it the next day which way payday.

 

My cars broke down, which my bud man sold me. (We were good friend also at the time.) I had totalled a car as mentioned above, no choice. He was helping. But I can't go get weed from him. I ask him to bring it.

He just ignores me. So my whole weekend plus a vacation day is over. Pretty suicidal at this point, because as mentioned above, my life is LITERALLY nothing but work and kids. I get two hours a night to fucking wish I was dead every night when the kids to so sleep. Then back to my soul crushing job. 

 

So anyway, I just want to smoke at this point, and he finally answers me from the day before, telling me he'll be here at 1pm. Well, 4 pm comes around. And he finally answers my where you at message. He's like I'll be thru soon. He gets here at 9:00 2 hours before I have to go to sleep for work. And guess what. He forgot the bag. So now I gotta spend an hour pretending not to hate him and socialize, which I opted out of this time. I laid in bed. And he leaves, and comes back, and when he returns, if he doesn't have the most garbage ass weed I've ever smoked..and I've waited 51 hours basically.

 

 

Oh, on top of all this, my mother in law, which is our absolute and only outside help, now refuses to give us rides to work while my cars broke down, so we've been having to take Lyfts to work, and we can't afford that obviously because need need to get our car fixed, and I've got restitution to pay for the car I wrecked because I can't afford child support rent taking care of my own two kids and have insurance. I need to quit smoking cigs, but in literally just trying to trip one more time before I take on the most challenging time in my life since I haven't experienced even a minute shred of happiness or dignity in years... I mean.. what the fuck can fix me!? The lottery!? Going back in time and telling my parents how miserable every single day of my life is because they were pieces of shit. How I could get ahead in life I just had a singular entity in this world to help me when unexpected tragedies happy. My life lies in a delicate balance of NEVER fuck up at all or it's over. And I'm on that teeter totter now because I had a car wreck.


Edited by Akari, 15 April 2019 - 08:29 PM.

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#10 coorsmikey

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Posted 15 April 2019 - 08:27 PM

 

 

Suicide Hotline: What Happens When You Call?

 

 

suicide-hotline-what-happens-when-you-ca

 

When people are in a crisis, where they are considering taking their own lives, it's critical that they reach out to a resource such as a suicide hotline. However, many people are scared of calling a suicide hotline as they aren't sure what will happen if they do call. This fear might keep some people away. Understanding what happens when you call a suicide hotline can help ease your worries and make reaching out to one easier.

Ways of Contacting Suicide Hotlines

Because people in distress are all different, people choose to access suicide hotline services in different ways. Suicide hotlines provide a toll-free number, but many also provide online chat, email and text messaging hotline services as well. You should choose to access a suicide hotline in the way that makes you the most comfortable. Calls to most suicide hotlines are confidential and free.

Who Answers a Call at a Suicide Hotline?

Suicide hotlines are typically staffed by trained personnel but it depends on the specific hotline as to how they're trained. Some suicide hotlines are manned by happens-hotline-healthyplace.jpgvolunteers with minimal training whereas the operators at the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, for example, are skilled, trained counselors that are often in your area. Suicide hotlines that are for specific types of crises, such as the concerns of veterans or of lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgendered or queer (LGBTQ) individuals, are generally trained in the main issues facing those populations. Often you'll speak to a member of that group his or herself when you call that type ofsuicide hotline.

What Happens When You Call a Suicide Hotline?

Depending on the suicide hotline, your call may be routed to a central location or, as in the case of the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, your call may be answered by the center closest to you. When you call, you'll typically hear a message confirming the number you have reached and then on-hold music until someone can answer your call.

 

Once your call is answered, a caring and trained person will listen to you, learn about your situation, ask questions and will then generally tell you about mental health services in your area. Services in your area can range from a mobile response team to a suicide prevention center staffed with counselors where you can be accommodated overnight.

Will the Police Get Called If I'm Suicidal and Call a Suicide Hotline?

This is a tricky question and the answer is neither "yes" nor "no." In the vast majority of cases, no police (or other authority) involvement is required and in the cases where emergency help is needed, suicide hotline staff will make every attempt to gain permission to send them. The goal of a suicide hotline is to help you with your personal crisis and no one-size-fits-all solution is possible.

That being said, if you are actively suicidal and threatening to imminently hurt yourself, it is possible that emergency personnel may be called without your permission. While no one likes that scenario, it truly is the best, lifesaving thing an operator can do in a small number of cases.

Are Calls to a Suicide Hotline Helpful?

While some people have had negative experiences with suicide hotlines, it's worth remembering that this is the exception and not the rule. People on the other end of suicide hotline calls are generally caring people who want to help you and this leads to primarily positive experiences. Your life is always worth a phone call and every option is preferable to suicide.

If You're in a Crisis Now

If you're in a crisis now, do not hesitate to call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:


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#11 picapau

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Posted 15 April 2019 - 08:29 PM

I would suggest that 'letting go of everything and not identifying with the body' is a temporary tempering. Like learning music theory, if you will. The whole juicy point of living , to me, is being consciously embodied.....not halfway in or out.... but full on.

 

Expression.

 

The adults around you whose lives would be affected by your earthly demise need to be clued in to your state of being so, they can help support you and your/their family.

 

Definitely a good idea to reach out and get some perspective. There's obviously really decent people here.

 

Hang in there~


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#12 Akari

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Posted 15 April 2019 - 09:08 PM

Yeah, normal people will always suggest the suicide hotline. You know. I mentioned suicide to my boss. They sent me to a hospital where they strip you naked and put you in a room of actually psychos, and treat you like a criminal..made me feel a lot better.
 
Just like being institutionalized and forcefed medical poisons.
 
Anything but actually fix the problem.
 
Lock me in a hospital and force me to live. In a situation way worse than the situation that's obviously making me suicidal? Maybe that treatment system needs to be reformed before I reach out to them for "help."
 
And I'm full on alright. Every single moment of this excruciating existence. I'm excruciatingly present. In my vast emptiness, filled only by endless responsibility and challenge. No foreseeable future to look forward to. No options to even ask for help. No way to get money. I just played the Powerball for the first time in my life. I already work at my last resort for money anyway. The only better job to get is moving up where I'm at, and with car CONSTANTLY being some kind of problem. Hahahahahahaha

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#13 prof_it_e

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Posted 15 April 2019 - 11:38 PM

Hi Akari; you seem to be getting the gist of it; for this I take my hat off to you; at this point you are learning really important things; the more important something is to learn the harder it always is.I don't mean to take anything from your suffering; demean it in any way by saying anything; or turn away from what you say by saying something myself which is... and is not... that there's a way to switch seeing life and the day-to-day nitty-gritty of it as very psychedelic; perhaps there's an irony in there; you not being able to get to experience something; and maybe it's because you already are (tripping); maybe your trip went very badly south and that's where you are at right now. Maybe what you'd try to do to deal with having a bad moment in your trip (if you had actually taken anything) is what you need to figure out how to do in this space; what do you do to change the flavor of your trip (when you 'really' trip)? Sometimes in my most desperate moments (completely straight; life beating me down) I wonder if I had taken a little too much of a good friend; that my unpleasant experience is just a bad hallucination; and that I just need to sit tight and ride it through... or eat an orange; sometimes that helps. Maybe if you can switch from thinking you are not tripping to that actually, you are completely tripping will help you deal with (not getting a chance to trip). Other thoughts; just thoughts; grasping for the sacred V sort of led you to this, maybe any other sort of grasping = just asking for more trouble... (grasping for LSD etc.). Also... something to do with switching from seeing what you are in as something you want out of, to seeing it as exactly where you want to be... trip tricks maybe, etc.


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#14 Akari

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Posted 16 April 2019 - 05:23 AM

Yeah. So I'm starting to realize maybe it's useless to talk about.
 
I've realized all these things.
 
But what if all this positive stuff only works for some people.
 
What about the people it doesn't work for? Do they write books? Are they the ones giving the advice.
 
What do you do when you've been so unhappy your whole life?
 
What do you do when you can no longer force yourself to be positive about the shit. What happens when you run out of gas finally!? How do I create that artificially.

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#15 prof_it_e

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Posted 16 April 2019 - 05:43 AM

...

 
What do you do when you can no longer force yourself to be positive about the shit. What happens when you run out of gas finally!? How do I create that artificially.

 

 

Perhaps step outside of yourself; and do what you have to do not for you; but for them; others / your children; if you really don't like your narrative; the narrative that you are living; then maybe make an effort to change it; change the narrative whether it sits with you, whether it sits with someone else; at this point one thing seems guaranteed; this narrative you so much dislike is going to continue with your children; my father was a dick, my father killed himself, my father this and that; poor me; lost and all alone; nobody here to help me... Apparently the only way to be happy is to give yourself over to the service of others; it sounds like in this department you have plenty of opportunity; your struggle seems to start with you and what YOU want, maybe it would be easier for you if you just tried to be what your partner, what your children want; which probably isn't all that much; just for someone to be there for them. But I don't really know anything; am also just trying to figure shit out, nobody really has any answers, in the end it's all just nothing, if you think death is the solution then maybe give that a try, I've got the feeling all that means is needing to put even more effort into it the next time round.



#16 bezevo

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Posted 16 April 2019 - 10:35 AM

perty sure i have no children ,why because i feel i'm not parent  material and i choose to be responsible about it. 

 

i got a vasectomy it  took 15 min .,  easy , NP . that was 35 yrs ago..

.BUT  i still use condoms Always ! ......agreed  latex condoms suck there stinky and many  people  are allergic ,

 

So GOOD NEWS Your condom problem is solved ! buy plastic condoms with no lube   ,like Skyn brand , ZERO ...smell .... clear... ,stronger ....more stretchy... , thinner for better sensitivity .... they almost disappear ..

 

So there all of your  condom excuses gone , poof

 

BONUS .....BEST TIP ...  JUST THE TIP      ....get a box....Then.in private Please heh .  practices putting  them on and jerk off ,...  ok now it's  easy no  fumbling .....NOW YOUR A FUCKING EXPERT !.. All LAME condom excuses gone . ... 

 

but Please consider a vasectomy ............. be responsible.

 

feel free to ignore my serious sincere advice............ or make more excuses .

 

 

I really am not trying to be a DICK !


Edited by bezevo, 16 April 2019 - 10:38 AM.


#17 Alder Logs

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Posted 16 April 2019 - 11:45 AM

Can one imagine a happiness in which all other states are seen to come and go? 



#18 Akari

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Posted 16 April 2019 - 01:48 PM

perty sure i have no children ,why because i feel i'm not parent  material and i choose to be responsible about it. 
 
i got a vasectomy it  took 15 min .,  easy , NP . that was 35 yrs ago..
.BUT  i still use condoms Always ! ......agreed  latex condoms suck there stinky and many  people  are allergic ,
 
So GOOD NEWS Your condom problem is solved ! buy plastic condoms with no lube   ,like Skyn brand , ZERO ...smell .... clear... ,stronger ....more stretchy... , thinner for better sensitivity .... they almost disappear ..
 
So there all of your  condom excuses gone , poof
 
BONUS .....BEST TIP ...  JUST THE TIP      ....get a box....Then.in private Please heh .  practices putting  them on and jerk off ,...  ok now it's  easy no  fumbling .....NOW YOUR A FUCKING EXPERT !.. All LAME condom excuses gone . ... 
 
but Please consider a vasectomy ............. be responsible.
 
feel free to ignore my serious sincere advice............ or make more excuses .
 
 
I really am not trying to be a DICK !


Yeah, that advice isn't really helpful for children who are already alive.

And my wife has her tubes tied. So thanks. Lol

#19 Harlow

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Posted 16 April 2019 - 04:30 PM

Hello Akari,

I read your post and it really got to me. You don't know who I am, but I wanted to give you my emotional support.

When I was growing up I did not have a happy childhood. When I was six years old I planned to kill my younger brother and then do the same to myself. I wanted to leave the world and how terrible it was, but would not leave my brother alone in it, so I planned on removing him too. -Details removed.- Later in life I was forced to take care of the kids my mom had with her second psychopathic husband. I get where you are coming at with being forced to take care of them, and I emotionally took out my frustration and anger on them. I am very embarrassed and riddled with horrible guilt in things I have done in my life. The only reason I have not killed myself since is because it would cause others more pain, which put me in place with no escape. --But let me say that my thoughts were not the right ones to be having.--

I am not telling you this to say I am right there with you, or to try and lessen anything. I am telling you that things get better, no matter what they are like right now. I am telling you right now that if you keep trying and working at it, you will make things better, and will be happy. You have to try. When you are with your kids I know sometimes it may be overwhelming or feel like it just sucks, but TRY to make it a fun time. Take pleasure in making them smile, in giving them happiness and warmth. They love you so much. A child's love is something more amazing than we can even comprehend. Think of that love, and the happiness it gives you when you make them happy. Kids don't need anything special, simple toys and some time spent with them is the best gift they can get, and they can be the center of your happiness right now. They can become your enjoyable times, which you will begin to build on. Try to think of the things you still have, and the love of those little kids. It won't always be possible, but the more you do it, the more good feelings will happen for you. The more you will start to grow and put things back together. They will get older, and become more independent, faster than you realize, and faster than you will want. And you will get more of your time back.

Right now look at those kids who love you. They need you, but they also give you love, a love which is yours to have and share. You said "But what if all this positive stuff only works for some people.". That is for you. That positive energy and change-to-something-better is yours. Other people have theirs, and you 100% have yours. That is what helped me, is looking at what I did have, no matter how little I thought it was and deciding if that is all I ever got in this world at least I would try to be happy with my tiny little piece. That helped calm down the other things I was so upset about, and helped be build up from those tiny pieces. Look at what you do have, and when things get better you will look back at these times and realize your happiness so much more. You may be looking elsewhere right now, and are not seeing these good things, but they are yours. Good times for you do exist. Other people's suggestions may be the right course on getting this done. Read them again as they say things with caring hearts. But I do know you will make things better. And you will be happier.

Edited by Harlow, 16 April 2019 - 04:54 PM.

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#20 Akari

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Posted 16 April 2019 - 04:49 PM

Hello Akari,
I read your post and it really got to me. You don't know who I am, but I wanted to give you my emotional support.
When I was growing up I did not have a happy childhood. When I was six years old I planned to kill my younger brother by putting a knife threw his heart, and then propping the knife against a wall and fall against myself. I wanted to leave the world and how terrible it was then, but would not leave my brother alone in it, so I planned on removing him too. After testing the knife I realized it was not strong enough. It was a cheap flimsy knife since we were poor, and would not work so I could not go through with my plan. I am very embarrassed and riddled with horrible guilt in things I have done in my life. The only reason I did not kill myself when I was older was that it would cause others more pain, which put me in place with no escape. --But let me say that my thoughts were not the right ones to be having.--
I am not telling you this to say I am right there with you, or to try and lessen anything. I am telling you that things get better, no matter what they are like right now. I am telling you right now that if you keep trying and working at it, you will make things better, and will be happy. You have to try. When you are with your kids I know sometimes it may be overwhelming or feel like it just sucks (I understand times with kids), but TRY to make it a fun time. Take pleasure in making them smile, in giving them happiness and warmth. They love you so much. A child's love is something more amazing than we can even comprehend. Think of that love, and the happiness it gives you when you make them happy. Kids don't need anything special, simple toys and some time spent with them is the best gift they can get, and they can be the center of your happiness right now. They can become your enjoyable times. Try to think of the things you still have, and the love of those little kids. It won't always be possible, but the more you do it, the more good feelings will happen for you. The more you will start to grow and put things back together. They will get older, and become more independent, faster than you realize, and faster than you will want. And you will get more of your time back.
Right now look at those kids who love you. They need you, but they also give you love, a love which is yours to have and share. You said "But what if all this positive stuff only works for some people.". That is for you. That positive energy and change-to-something-better is yours. Other people have theirs, and you 100% have yours. That is what helped me, is looking at what I did have, no matter how little I thought it was and deciding if that is all I ever got in this world at least I would try to be happy with my tiny little piece. That helped calm down the other things I was so upset about, and helped be build up from those tiny pieces. Look at what you do have, and when things get better you will look back at these times and realize your happiness so much more. You may be looking elsewhere right now, and are not seeing these good things, but they are yours. Good times for you do exist. Other people's suggestions may be the right course on getting this done. Read them again as they say things with caring hearts. But I do know you will make things better. And you will be happier.


Thanks for this.

Yeah, the car is a big deal, but if I can survive this, I will finalize be self sufficient.

But the problem with me and the kids is my stepdaughter is a manipulator. She's even had CPS called on me saying I tied her up with duct tape. She's a cunt. Even if I give her everything in the world, she continuously says that we don't do anything with her, when literally I have NO other life whatsoever. And my other kid still shits his pants. Which is something easy to handle for normal people, but I have OCD, and I've been changing shitty diapers for 8 years.

I pulled myself out of utter depression with the help of you guys. Thanks, but the fact is, I'm completely burnt out, and get no break or recreation. Idk
  • prof_it_e likes this




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