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Bullshit!


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#81 Guy1298

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Posted 25 September 2019 - 03:45 PM

I actually have a friend who was living out of a van for a time doing self-inquiry. He gave up everything until he was at his last dollar. Seems like something that just takes people. 

 

When every fear is totally destroyed and there's just a happy bliss in seeing what's here, what else is there to fight for? 

 

Getting there seems to be the issue... for some reason. Though a taste is enough to never really let go. I felt it as if it was the promised-land, real satisfaction, knowledge of existence through and beyond life and death, happiness welling up out of the knowledge of oneself.


Edited by Guy1298, 25 September 2019 - 03:54 PM.

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#82 Guy1298

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Posted 25 September 2019 - 05:53 PM

I think I'm gonna take a break from using this as a little journal for a while. I'll update it when I know what happens in the next few months, if I end up escaping into other countries and all that or not. I suspect I will. Getting this job was meant to help my dad, but really it's just disconnected me from family. Friendships fall apart. Everyone will be all right.


Edited by Guy1298, 25 September 2019 - 05:55 PM.


#83 Boorick76

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Posted 25 September 2019 - 06:14 PM

There is no self. The illusion of self happens to no one. To the degree that self exists (not necessary for life), the role of such is clearly to appreciate, to play the role and enjoy the ride.

More... please more. This is the way.

#84 Guy1298

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Posted 27 September 2019 - 06:29 PM

I've seen intense periods like this before. Eventually they give in to acceptance. 

 

This time around the acceptance is a bit deeper than last. 

 

 

I have a tendency to do this: I see someone that I take to be myself, then I work to get this person what he wants. But, I forgot he isn't me. So, seeing that what he's gotten isn't mine, I see that I've got nothing. I will never be that person... I will never have what I find for him. The I that I am doesn't even want what he has, nor did it ever. What problem is it that he doesn't have what he wants? The secret is that all of his existence is due to the I that I am. His desires are unimportant.


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#85 Guy1298

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Posted 03 October 2019 - 10:45 AM

Nothing, but me here. All that comes, every response, every point of understanding, every desire unmet is contrived to see that I am not this, but I am that. And that I as I think myself to be don’t exist. There is only the feeling of being, but no being thereof. The true being resists nothing, is everything, cannot be found. But, it is oneself! I am it.
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#86 Guy1298

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Posted 05 October 2019 - 10:57 AM

I'm gonna take a stab at the fact that I actually can't trust anything. Haha. If I look I see the world. The same world that's been revealed to be illusion. If I trust it, it plays me. So, I don't trust it. 



#87 Calba

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Posted 05 October 2019 - 04:05 PM

Diamond Sutra, chapter 32.

“So I say to you –
This is how to contemplate our conditioned existence in this fleeting world:”

“Like a tiny drop of dew, or a bubble floating in a stream;
Like a flash of lightning in a summer cloud,
Or a flickering lamp, an illusion, a phantom, or a dream.”

“So is all conditioned existence to be seen.”

Thus spoke Buddha.
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#88 Guy1298

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Posted 06 October 2019 - 03:19 PM

What's seeing cannot be seen!


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#89 Guy1298

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Posted 06 October 2019 - 10:49 PM

Self-inquiry! 

 

Well I was waking up feeling pretty shitty for some reason. And my roommate started bothering me with how often she kept me going places, various other little things. They built up until there was a small issue in which case I decided to move out. This triggered reflection on past experiences, some particularly long-term friends I've lost throughout the years. It basically took me to that place of misery. Woe is me, you know the place. Haha.

 

This drove me into self-inquiry via various avenues, youtube, books, elsewhere. I sat through pretty intense negative feelings in the body and mind, just observing. But, as I continued it eased up. Eventually I was sitting there happily. Then, as the happiness grew it opened up into a spiritual experience of sorts. For the last few days my mind has been almost blank. Just as happy as some of my greatest trips... you know the ones when you think you're enlightened or know everything is God... those sorts. 

 

Similar to the other times self-inquiry has opened up there was a temporary, but totally complete, letting go of reality in mind. Basically, I rejected that this world could even be the real world. Or came to see that I am literally not to be found in it. I'm not sure which because it felt like both at times. Mind vanished at times. Etc. 

 

What do I have coming out of it? I suppose momentarily at least I feel a huge emotional burden lifted. My body feels all right for the first time in awhile, no hip pain. Mentally, I feel pretty excellent. Those will go though, just like the blissful experiences. 

 

Ramana says "abide in the Self." What is the Self? It is Pure Consciousness. When the mind is quiet Consciousness is revealed as the underlying reality within which the apparent (un)-reality lies superimposed. It cannot be found because it's like the container for all that is, but certainly it is me. Knowing that that is my real identity I can rest in that. I don't know if the peace I feel right now will last. I know already that I have some bad habits, you know, regret in not doing things well or right might make me get onto myself then I'll forget. It's possible. It's happened before. 

I'm quite sure that it isn't not thinking, but it's a change in the way thought is handled. It feels almost like thought is moved out of conscious-view it's on the fringes, almost invisible, conscious, but being taken care of by the unconscious. And when something is needed it pops out of the fringes, a word comes to my lips, an action acts from my limbs. But, I wouldn't want to imagine that this is an unconscious particular to me. The experience points to something grander than that, this world as illusion, myself and others as one. It's not silencing the mind with the mind. It's merely handing the mind over to God. It's not a personal accomplishment. It's surrender.


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#90 Guy1298

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Posted 06 October 2019 - 11:10 PM

While it was the move out that triggered going deeper into the inquiry, I think it was the inquiry started throughout the previous few weeks to that which led me to instigate the move out. I recall another time a year or two ago when while deep into this I found myself utterly destroying certain relationships I had. 

 

I'd see myself just flippantly writing "Bullshit!" to things that people were saying. Leaving long-term friends, never to be friends again. Expressing bottled up anger to roommates that were driving me nuts, etc. 

 

I think it's like that when you first give your mind over... the first thing that the Unconscious does is just sigh. You've left me with some shit to handle. Then, spontaneous actions start to come. 

 

Just some thoughts. Maybe too odd for this place. Hehe, maybe not. 


Edited by Guy1298, 06 October 2019 - 11:13 PM.

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#91 Guy1298

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Posted 06 October 2019 - 11:17 PM

Also, there are issues with imagining that there is an Unconscious to which you give your mind over, you being the Conscious. Doesn't seem right. Yeah, not right, but I'll let it go because I don't care. 


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#92 FLASHINGROOSTER

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Posted 07 October 2019 - 05:47 PM

For me I find comfort in the idea that we are essentially just a speck of dust floating on a sunbeam.

 

The staggering grandeur of the universe, beholds the utter meaninglessness of everything.

 

Time inevitably marches on, it changes and erases everything.

 

How many people have waded through history from kings to beggars. Eventually time washes them all away the same. To the point where one could wonder if they ever really existed in the first place.

 

I think many people struggle because they want their lives to have some relationship with eternity. Be it in the afterlife or a legacy left behind.


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#93 Guy1298

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Posted 07 October 2019 - 05:58 PM

I know what you're talking about. 

 

Though, I think the event I'm referring to with self-inquiry communicates that relationship to eternity directly. It's just that we take ourselves to be something that we're not. 

 

If I identify with body and mind, I die. If I see wherein this world really takes place... I see that I am it. Instantly, I know that I'm inseparable from Reality itself, but not as any body or mind. So, let the ego cry out. Let him die, because he isn't real! 

 

Though we are a speck of dust floating on a sunbeam, who is the one that knows the speck of dust floating on a sunbeam? 


Edited by Guy1298, 07 October 2019 - 06:02 PM.

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#94 Alder Logs

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Posted 07 October 2019 - 06:02 PM


How many people have waded through history from kings to beggars. Eventually time washes them all away the same. To the point where one could wonder if they ever really existed in the first place.

 

 

Time says, "all that you can see, I will eat that."

~Mooji


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#95 ElPirana

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Posted 07 October 2019 - 06:46 PM

While it was the move out that triggered going deeper into the inquiry, I think it was the inquiry started throughout the previous few weeks to that which led me to instigate the move out. I recall another time a year or two ago when while deep into this I found myself utterly destroying certain relationships I had. 
 
I'd see myself just flippantly writing "Bullshit!" to things that people were saying. Leaving long-term friends, never to be friends again. Expressing bottled up anger to roommates that were driving me nuts, etc. 
 
I think it's like that when you first give your mind over... the first thing that the Unconscious does is just sigh. You've left me with some shit to handle. Then, spontaneous actions start to come. 
 
Just some thoughts. Maybe too odd for this place. Hehe, maybe not.

I’ve also seen myself moving farther away from the way others think and express themselves. As they remain just as deluded as ever, I slowly move toward discovering who I really am (not what I thought! lol)
Anyway, even before I knew what I was doing, I uncovered the realization that I am really not in control of this life. And over time as I learned to accept this and stopped judging myself, I found that I could stop judging other people too because they are just as much not in control as me...even though they don’t realize it. And I have been just as deluded as them most of my life. I guess the more that it appeared to me that other people are the same as me I stopped reacting.
I hope I’m not reading into your post the wrong way.
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#96 Guy1298

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Posted 07 October 2019 - 07:29 PM

You might have read into it the wrong way, but I've come to the same conclusions as you put down, so don't worry about it. 

 

I often like realizing that I look at a past I have absolutely no control over now! Obviously the deck is fixed. We're along for the ride.


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#97 ElPirana

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Posted 07 October 2019 - 07:58 PM

You might have read into it the wrong way, but I've come to the same conclusions as you put down, so don't worry about it. 
 
I often like realizing that I look at a past I have absolutely no control over now! Obviously the deck is fixed. We're along for the ride.

Yes! And the ride seems so much more enjoyable without trying to control everything. I do feel like I’m constantly learning how to live all over again, maybe being more aware of the uniqueness of each moment gives it a new feel over and over.
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#98 Guy1298

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Posted 13 October 2019 - 04:18 PM

It might be time to start growin' again. 

 

I think I want to try micro-dosing again too. 

 

Moving out of this roommate's, I'll find a place to live by myself. See what happens. :). 

 

And try not to forget that body, mind, and world appear in me and I am free. 


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#99 Guy1298

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Posted 22 October 2019 - 07:14 PM

This world's got it out for me, man. 

 

No choice but to rest in silence. Because I ain't gettin' nothin'. 



#100 FLASHINGROOSTER

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Posted 22 October 2019 - 09:48 PM

Trying to keep perspective is a difficult thing. Everyone is different, not sure if it ever helped me in the long run. But when I was feeling down I would often imagine the millions of people that have it so much worse than me. When my Dad died I was talking to this woman who was an orphan, and she put it in perspective. At least I was able to have the experience of having a dad. 


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