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#121 Alder Logs

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Posted 10 May 2020 - 10:49 AM

The I that has a beginning will have an end. 


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#122 Alder Logs

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Posted 10 May 2020 - 12:20 PM

If we are not what we think and believe, what does that leave?



#123 Arathu

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Posted 10 May 2020 - 01:06 PM

....................being...............


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#124 Guy1298

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Posted 28 June 2020 - 03:07 AM

I remembered something interesting tonight from my childhood. I guess, I'll put it here. I grew up in a trailer park. The trailer park my dad would eventually die in. For my entire life, he'd lived there. Or at least all of the life I remember. My brother was homosexual and I'd picked up a lot of a homophobic insecurity on account of my upbringing... turns out my mom and dad shared in those insecurities, on account of their lives. That's the strange thing about being human. Where do our feelings come from. Your earliest childhood is mostly forgotten. Children absorb a language, they absorb so much more. They create a personality, is that right? I guess so. 

 

I remembered this odd coming-of-age night. I was in this trailer park, hanging out with my friends. I went to a friend's uncle's. I remember standing outside and his uncle told me, when I talked to him, that I was someone that would be that old man at the corner one day, the one with all the cats. Huh? I guess I was a bit odd, enough so that he decided I was destined to be that man with the cats... Seems a bit like an asshole. 

 

I hadn't drunk alcohol yet in my life then. I find myself in a darkened room with other teenagers. Somehow I drink about 9 shots. Then, the night skipped, though I hadn't realized it skipped. I notice I never got drunk... Black out drunk, I guess... I never felt drunk even slightly. I remember there being lots of insecurity around and about homosexuality. Such a strange night, where this group of people started telling me that'd I'd been odd... someone told me I'd went outside and acted like a dog running around the tree. 

 

Not quite sure about that night. One of the weirder times. 

In any case, first thing to disappear when I'd started on mushrooms was insecurity around homosexuality. Then, layers of fear. Fear of death, fear of life, fear of self-destruction, in death, in life, in school, fear of the dark, fear of hell... I've noticed too that I quite like the beauty of bent and blended genders. To what end do mushrooms take me? 

For a time, both with mushrooms and with ayahuasca, I knew a state of mind where the world seemed divinely conspiring. The actors sort of smiled... they knew as I did, at the time, that it was just a play. But, to what end does knowing that take me? I still very much approve of what Ramana had said when asked what God's purpose is... he said, "God has no purpose. What is, is." I might be paraphrasing, since I haven't located that quotation since the day I saw it and liked it. What is, is. Seen in the light of realizing one's non-existence, in the light of one's eternal existence, what is, is. "Who will answer for my pain?" appears non-sensical. "What is my purpose?" If God merely is, and is content to be. What could my purpose be, other than that? I am.


Edited by Guy1298, 28 June 2020 - 03:08 AM.

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#125 Oneyedraven

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Posted 28 June 2020 - 09:24 AM

Watching the series Westworld and while it has its moments of questionable acting Hopkins performances are worth putting up with the other less profound performances. In this scene he explains the nature of consciousness. Your recollection of your youth and realization as the source of some long held beliefs reminded me of this scene


[Direct Link]


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#126 Alder Logs

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Posted 28 June 2020 - 10:10 AM

I don't think much of the "world" out there understands contentment, and perhaps more, being contented with feeling discontent.  All the expressions are unique.  Even Anthony Hopkins saying something, bringing all that weight of a skillfully contrived character, can't trap what are infinite parameters inside a formula of one-size-fits-all.  If one can't be satisfied with what is, being what is, one might be missing quite a lot. What seems to be, I suppose there we can seem to do some work, though isn't it really play? 

 

What's the next semi-serious bullshitter got to say? 

 

Sorry, just playing forum.


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#127 FLASHINGROOSTER

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Posted 29 June 2020 - 10:27 AM

Watching the series Westworld and while it has its moments of questionable acting Hopkins performances are worth putting up with the other less profound performances. In this scene he explains the nature of consciousness. Your recollection of your youth and realization as the source of some long held beliefs reminded me of this scene


[Direct Link]

 

 

That show is awesome. It's what really got me thinking more introspectively about what consciousness means, and how it is tied to our memories

 

Like how does our mind know the difference between a memory that is from a dream and one that is from reality? In the end the both become only memories to us

 

Not sure how, but it knows


Edited by flashingrooster, 29 June 2020 - 10:31 AM.

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#128 Guy1298

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Posted 01 July 2020 - 03:46 PM

It's really important to not trust your mind. I've said that before, but... it's clearer today. 

 

There are thoughts and ideas that go unseen, believed in, worshipped, impulsively given confidence... it's those ideas and thoughts that are really fucking us. Without them, presence is clear... what I am, what I can and cannot do, simple, easy. 

 

Without seeing that, it seems I clumsily create a self-idea to become which is working against a world it has little to no power over. Seems reasonable that that self-idea is fucked. But, don't tell that to the self-idea... he's responsible for EVERYTHING... 

 

Mistaking the transient for the eternal. Mistaking dream for reality.

 

Easily he comes to feel like a victim of life, not knowing that his true nature is victimless, at peace, regardless of a momentary, but unfortunate, fiction. 

 

And it's completely normal to be he. That's why I'd much prefer to be mad... 


Edited by Guy1298, 01 July 2020 - 03:52 PM.

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#129 Guy1298

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Posted 09 July 2020 - 11:20 PM

Recent developments are that I'm starting to study Psychology in my free time. Depending on my interest, maybe I'll get the prereqs to enter a graduate degree. As long as I'm here, I might as well keep learning. And I suspect studying Psychology will benefit me and others around me. So, yep. 

 

Living has been a tough journey, as I'm sure it is for most. I've many regrets with regard to the things I've said, the things I've done. Often, I did the best thing that came to mind considering I had my back against a wall. At other times, I lacked the ability to see and care for another person. I'm grateful for mushrooms for evening out those issues, teaching me, often by form of self-destruction. And I'm grateful to Advaita for letting me off the hook, finally and completely. Heh. 

 

I really wish that life's wisdom could be easily communicated and expressed. So many people could benefit. Of course, another question is whether they could handle it. The benefit is felt when you're willing to let fall what may. If you're not, maybe it's more harmful. I don't know. I found it interesting to look at posts on another forum of younger people trying mushrooms for the first-time, questioning college and their life... If only we all knew what we had learnt but cannot express! Millions of human lives already lived... so much of life's wisdom, missing, unexpressed, since it is in fact inexpressible. 

 

Existence is a fact. This world, patient and loving is a good way to be for it... 


Edited by Guy1298, 09 July 2020 - 11:24 PM.

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#130 Guy1298

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Posted 12 July 2020 - 11:23 PM

In my experience, mushroom-use tends to undo non-dual perspectives, low-dose at least. The personal self-story is magnified, even if it might be provided insight into love, relationships with others, etc. 

 

Low-dose Mushrooms seem to be about healing and helping the dream. 

 

Something to consider.


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#131 ElPirana

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Posted 15 July 2020 - 08:18 AM

In my experience, mushroom-use tends to undo non-dual perspectives, low-dose at least. The personal self-story is magnified, even if it might be provided insight into love, relationships with others, etc. 
 
Low-dose Mushrooms seem to be about healing and helping the dream. 
 
Something to consider.

I’ve been thinking this over from time to time over the last couple days. In my experience, I have both non-dual and dualistic experiences on low doses.

I have many experiences on low doses that bring healing or balance (it seems this may actually be the same thing) to the dualistic part of me. But everything dualistic is within non-dualism. According to non-dualism, there is nothing wrong - all experiences of “right” or “wrong”, of “good” or “bad” are just as valid as each other and make up the entirety of what is. Even the feeling of separateness and dualism is fully within non-dualism.

But what I’ve been finding lately is that the two are not separate from each other. Somehow as I experience in a non-dual way, even as little as it may be at times, it naturally allows the dualistic part to come to balance. And as the dualistic part comes to balance, it allows me to experience more in a non-dual way.

I find the mind fighting to hold onto dualistic patterns. But in the end it seems to be a losing battle (to the mind).

Specifically regarding the mushroom trips, I have a recent example of non-duality. A couple weekends ago I had a trip with about 3g, which didn’t feel too strong to me at all. At one point in the trip, there was an experience of god experiencing the fullness of life through “me”. It wasn’t me at all, it was actually god, but my awareness was sort of hitching a ride through the whole thing. Now it’s hard to put into words, but it was definitely a non-dual experience. It ended with pure gratitude, thankfulness for ALL experience, because all experience is god experiencing life through this body in all its ups and downs. (By the way, I say god, but this is definitely not the old idea of god as in Christianity or similar notions, more of a knowledge of the infinite expanse of possibility that can somehow be manifested into everything that is.)
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#132 Guy1298

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Posted 15 July 2020 - 11:43 PM

I've actually been away from self-inquiry for a bit.

 

Still, self-inquiry seems to make me happy. Well, when it isn't making me feel like I'm going crazy. 

 

I'll tell you a story. 

 

I visited a self-inquiry group one day. It was this self-inquiry procedure where everyone does silent listening with partners, as they "inquire" in front of that person with rules to not express any response, negative or positive. For some, it seemed to take the form of therapy. For others, it seemed to explode into non-dual experiences. 

 

I remember I came to it having already been engaged in my own crazy isolated form of self-inquiry, Ramana I have to blame for that! :). I arrived feeling high and at ease... and convinced that I am merely awareness. 

 

As soon as I sat down to inquire, I realized I'd rather not say anything. I felt pleasure all around, no pain, true happiness. I rested there. It was interesting, there was another woman who at first was close-minded, she made it into therapy for awhile, but then I saw her just flip her shit in a good way. She started talking about not being able to differentiate between herself and the one who was listening to her. Very cool. 

 

Well, just thought I'd recall that tonight. I'm thinking I'll go head-on into self-inquiry again. Wish me luck! Heh.


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#133 Guy1298

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Posted 27 July 2020 - 10:02 PM

I find it strange that the predicament of being mortal in a world of mortals doesn't sink in. I will lose myself... what of all the things I won and made for myself here? Those too. 

 

There appears the idea of a broken world. Quickly, in response, there appears the idea of someone, myself, burdened by the responsibility of it, tired, stressed, and afraid. From one mind to the next, why is your broken world more real than mine? Mine than yours? What about the mind without any ideas at all? Quickly, in response, there's an idea of someone, myself, burdened by the "worthlessness" of being without ideas, burdened now with the correctness of that forgotten, but broken world! These are all ideas... 

 

Seeing without ideas? Eyes can see like a child, or perhaps they can see from another state? Seeing, as if having arrived? Seeing, as if beyond. Considering that every mental point of view reinforces the fact of my being at the mercy of a broken world, and me, seeing that I am lost, not myself, isn't it more fitting to abandon those points of view?



#134 Guy1298

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Posted 14 August 2020 - 01:42 AM

Ramana and self-inquiry... 

 

It seems I've got some subtle tendencies that keep me from sticking to what Ramana points out. 

 

I had a low dose, but extremely sexual trip tonight. Mushrooms are so special, no hiding anything. I cannot get away with abuse, if not past abuses, present abuses, of the ideas I hold of others, forgetting who I was. I think I have forgotten myself. If I remembered now, what would I learn? Perhaps some of it has been pushed away and hidden. But, that I take mushrooms regularly keeps me aware of myself, in good and bad ways, in delusional ways too. 

 

Honestly, reading the words of Ramana and engaging in self-inquiry seems to remove my physical pains. I have a lot of oddities in my body nowadays, my neck, my back, my lower right back and hip in particular. When it acts up, it seems it doesn't give up for weeks. But, when I'm focused on self-inquiry all my physical pain disappears. Sounds like some bullshit, eh? Yeah. It does. But it happens. Then I become happy, not thinking, yet doing all that I need to do, everyday. And all I need to do is remain like that, via self-inquiry. It is life in harmony... the harmony given by God... that we yearn for. 

 

I know it appears I have many issues to take care of. What pain... growth... and decay! Such hard choices and hard insights! I'm basically convinced though... resting without a mind... without a world... its bliss is it not? And the world which was once a great slaughterhouse is filled with little cares and loves.... despite still being that same slaughterhouse! :).


Edited by Guy1298, 14 August 2020 - 01:44 AM.

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#135 Guy1298

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Posted 25 August 2020 - 11:15 PM

It seems to sneak up. I notice that I am not the apparent person living at the mercy of the world, but the world and the person are held before and apart from me (in some sense). This place that I reside which is no place to be found isn't empty, but it's peaceful like a calm warm breeze moving through every fiber of my being. It loosens my grip as if I never had a hand. 


Edited by Guy1298, 25 August 2020 - 11:18 PM.

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#136 Guy1298

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Posted 12 September 2020 - 09:21 PM

Quite like this:

 

Someone asks, "Why does God permit suffering in the world?" Ramana replies, "Suffering is the way for Realisation of God."


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