Yes, good point Ray, being too worried about a trip can become a self-fulfilling prophecy and end up causing more anxiety than would otherwise happen, but even if your nervous, that does not mean a bad trip is inevitable.
Old and Miserable, Ray is also correct in that your probably overthinking and psyching yourself out. I get minor anxiety from 2-3.5g range, but it's not that bad, not nearly as bad as something like "generalized anxiety disorder", which is a different sort of anxiety than I feel from shrms.
It's not the down side of higher doses I am worried about; that's what I want! I want to experience it all, but what is holding me back is my fear of what will happen when I take it. It's the fear of the unknown that is getting to me.
As I have mentioned in previous posts, I've been dealing with bad anxiety for some time and the panic attacks it would bring daily. I grew to abhor, detest and absolutely HATE those feelings and anything that triggered them (and if you have ever had a panic attack, you know what I am talking about), which is why I was stuck in the house for the better part of 5 years, in an attempt to avoid any and all things that would provoke those symptoms. Only recently, within the last 6-8 months or so, I have been able to get out and begin to lead a mostly normal life, but the nagging sense of fear is proving hard to lose after such an ordeal.
I had used cannabis for those years as a way of trying to keep me at a controllable level, but that eventually developed into an at least once-an-hour crutch that I had to let go of, due to it turning into an addiction and triggering the panic response (this was discussed in a previous thread). Because of that not working anymore, and the horrible side effects I was having from the prescription drugs, I began looking into alternatives and came across psilocybin and the plethora of benefits it held, and I was instantly hooked. It felt like I was being called to it, and nothing could turn me away, even to this day.
However, it is the fact that I don't understand how these things will affect me that is making me hesitate. I felt so ready for my first experience, so sure and determined to do it, while things were developing and growing, but now...
When I had my panic attack after taking the small .1g dose, I was set to toss in the towel and never touch the stuff again. It took some time, but I realized the panic was 'self-induced', and once I understood that, I was able to bring myself back. But, the fear of going through that set of feelings again, especially on a higher dose, and having it become something I may not be so easily able to navigate myself through due to my "encumbered' or 'inebriated' state, terrifies me.
The more I think of what it is exactly that I am afraid of, it becomes a bunch of different things:
-what will I be feeling physically
-will I have another panic attack
-what if I start 'freaking out' and there is no one to reach out to for help
-should I get a trip sitter
-should I be doing this at all
... and so on.
It's really the fear of the unknown that is stopping me, but really, I know that it will be unknown until I do it. I just don't know what to expect, and for some reason that scares me. That and the not wanting to have another 'freak out'.
I'll answer the questions in reverse. "Should you?", 50/50. Sorry I won't tell you you should or not, I don't know that you will have the experience I will describe, or that I've had. You gotta decide that. Lol, sorry.
If your planning more than like 3 grams(dried, cubes), I'd say definitely have a trip sitter, preferably experienced themselves with psychs, have them read about how to trip sit, they should know what to expect and how to "ground" you when needed, or at least break a negative thought cycle, someone your comfortable with and have no negative relations with at the time.
If you "freak out" you should have a tripsitter, but if no ones there, read the tips I'll add below. Also, before I got clean from benzos(Oct 2015), if I was going for a larger(4+g) dose, I like to have a benzodiazepine(valium/xanax/klonopin/ativan, or etizolam) available if needed, which I have had to use before, that usually will settle a hectic trip down quite a bit. I don't use them anymore and my genera anxiety has subsided, benzos exacerbate it when they wear off, so it's easy to get dependent, especially if your an addictive type like me, just be careful with them.
It is possible for you to have a cycle of negative thinking that causes a panic attack, but I don't really think it will if all precautions are in place and you feel good otherwise. I had panic attacks from benzo wds, seemed like reality was running in reverse and I had an "impending sense of doom" for weeks, to the point where I went to the hospital. Eventually I had a seizure, in 2 hospitals in 2 weeks and do not remember most of that time. I have had rough trips, but never anything as horrible as the panic attacks. I don't want to say you won't have one for sure, it is possible.
As far as what you'll feel, when it kicks in you might feel a bit restless, and you might yawn a lot, your eyes might water, you might feel a little cold. It can feel like your soul is trying to stretch(like when you wake up and stretch/yawn, but your "soul" is trying to do it). Try not to let that bother you, that and the watery eyes/yawning lessens quite a bit or stops completely after an hour or so(for me). You might get nausea, this can subside but can also make you purge, you should feel great afterwards if that happens. You might feel relaxed/tired, you might get a waves of euphoria and have a "light" or "gentle" mood, and start to notice your thinking is somehow different, vision starts to get sharp, can look HD, things start to look like a little bit holographic or 3D. Colors will look brighter/more vivid, patterns will grab your eye, things can start to seem more "significant" than normal, even objects or art/graphics that normally don't catch your eye. Objects/patterns will start to "breath"(that's what it looks like) and seem sort of "alive" and might crawl or wiggle/sway, mostly in your periphery. You might hear patterns in the sounds around you, you might hear a rushing ringing in the ears(mild if at all for me) or something similar to crickets chirping, or frogs peeping(yaknow, spring peepers). You might get chills, your skin can feel a little sensitive to touch.
Doses of 3-3.5+ grams, I start to get confusion(not necessarily bad) and see flashes of color and "aztec" patterns and spiral fractals, even full on mandelbrot sets overlaying my field of view, and they get brighter when my eyes are closed, this is more from higher(4+grams) for me. You might start to lose control of your thoughts at these doses, but I have not had too many "bad" experiences(except for when I've tried and not prepared properly, or was in a bad "setting"). At like 4-5 grams, everything in the field of view is a full on psychedelic show, colors and patterns dancing, where things can look really "natural" and alive, trees can have faces, I've seen a grid pattern of millions of eyeballs overlay my vision(that was weird).
With higher doses than that, I start to lose touch with the "me" I am usually trying to be in normal life, at times going through cycles(of thought) where I forget everything I know all together(ego death), this can be tough, because the ego will try to hold on, and it's like you gotta learn to let it go, but once you do it is the feeling of being everything and everyone and yourself all at the same time. Again, it can be hard to deal with, I have been convinced that I was dead before, face down in a field in a rainstorm(never actually was laying there) but if you can let go it's bliss, like being embedded into the living universe(or something like that) feeling the breathing of reality flowing through you, and full on psychedelic "living-waking-dreams" with actual themes, like a story in the mind that seems more real than a dream.
When the effects first start try not to fight the yawns/stretching, it can get annoying to yawn every 20 secs, relax into it as much as possible, I do "mock yoga"(don't really know any real yoga poses), this helps, hard stretching causes some endorphin release which feels really good.
Here's some tips- Soothing/rhythmic/percussive tribal music helps keep you(or me at least) from thinking too much about any fears, the band Shpongle is excellent while tripping(but really ONLY when tripping for me, otherwise they don't do it for me Tool on the other hand, is my fav). Music can put you into a "trance" and that can help keep you in a "flow state" which helps keep me from going down a negative thought spiral.
It helps SO MUCH to be in nature, as long as your not worried about someone interrupting, or at home, wherever your most comfortable, but for me, doses below 4 grams are best in nature, it seems "spiritual" to be in the woods, or on a big hill at night, watching the sky, you can get the real sense that we are on a rock hurling through space, the stars/milky way looking like a spray of sparks flying off a steel grinder or welder, that's awesome.
So it's up to you dude, I am not the greatest at trip reports etc, I just tried to cover the bases without going into too much detail about the negatives, as again, thinking too much about the neg can make it a selrf fulfilling thing, and I didn't wanna give you any worries or bad shit to ponder. The negative is always subjective(so's the positive), and probably over stated sometimes.
If you do go for it, start with like 2.5g and a tripsitter, you'll be fine I think. You can take more after like an hour or so if it's weak, I'd go up in .5g increments if needed. GOOD LUCK!
Edited by Billcoz, 07 May 2019 - 11:29 PM.
