Edited by darci, 21 June 2019 - 02:04 AM.
Posted 21 June 2019 - 01:40 AM
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Posted 21 June 2019 - 08:51 AM
You write well Darci, and the baring of your soul makes the prose real. I love what I read the first pass through, but this is deep water, and I will read it several more times to try to understand all the layers.
Thank you for sharing...........
Posted 29 June 2019 - 02:24 AM
There is no emoticon that can equate to the hug I want to give you.
You're always here, making the room warm, like the fireplace that nobody notices until the wine is all gone and everybody goes to sleep, that need for warmth following them underneath the blankets.
I want to thank you for always being here.
You're not the only one. And if I say much more, I'll be speaking forever to give it all its due.
It's just... so many people here on mycotopia that I have read without saying anything in reply (but it affected me) and so many people that I can tell get it and understand but I have never let them know that they meant something to me.
I'm not the center of the universe. I don't know how to say that I see someone standing on their island without breaching their beach, in an unfortunate or impolite way.
I'm paralyzed with reverence. Which to any observer, is no different from being indifferent or insincere. Which to the court I will use as my excuse for not saying any more, ever, to anyone.
Edited by darci, 29 June 2019 - 02:32 AM.
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Posted 29 June 2019 - 03:08 AM
Hey darci I'm very pleased to have read your beautiful poetry tonight. Not many people can speak on behalf of their heart like you can, thank you for that. I believe that your work, through surface from struggle is illuminating, to share it is to give a gift to whomever the sharer is. I'll join yall at the fireplace.
Posted 29 June 2019 - 03:23 AM
I'm 34 years old.
But even so, I don't feel like a product of my time.
I feel alive when I feel the heart of music from songs of yesterday. I want to thank my father for introducing me to classical, and my cousin for introducing me to what was good since the time of Bach, Beethoven, and Mozart:
I never thought of fucking so much as when I saw a guy dancing at a bar once. Too bad he was with another guy. I've run that moment through my mind ten million times, asking myself if my sexual instincts are aligned with the procreative imperative in a world with fractional reserve banking, corporate personhood, capital gains tax, and falling wages for those who work their asses off, declaring dignity in their labors while being paid wages less than what it takes to survive. That man and woman think they are at odds with each other, though we are each the other side of the same coin. We live in a world of slavery, with extra steps. And the heartache that befalls the millions and masses in so many innumerable, intolerable, existential, and voluminous autobiographical ways...
Not to mention the wars, the human trafficking, the school shootings, the lying politicians, the robber barons, the evil alchemists (ala oppenheimer, et. al,) the propagandists, the secret-keepers, the underground city builders, the priests which commune with the ethereal and tell us less-than-truths... and the meaning of life which eludes us so long as we are inundated by commercials and war bonds and red white and blue...
Don't you love? Don't we love each other, all? Have any of the hearts filled with hatred glimpsed even a moment of the unfathomable time we are swimming in?
One thousand years from now will occur in 1/4,500,000th of Earth's history, but that will be 50 generations from now. Your great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great grandchildren will be the ones walking this planet in the blink of an eye.
Does your life have meaning?
What can we say, if anything so faint, that they will hear so far in the future?
My god, please somebody click these songs and tell me that you have heard them before and love them something like the way I do.
I'll just realize that everybody has these stories and though the songs are different, the tale is the same, and my tears are nothing special to cry.
Tired of feeling like I'm lost in the crowd.
I know I sound like a drama queen, but that's what drama queens sound like.
Edited by darci, 29 June 2019 - 03:51 AM.
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Posted 29 June 2019 - 03:48 AM
When I speak what I'm about to speak, there is an element to it that reminds me of my 15 year old self, wanting to slap her, and say "grow up! stop feeling! be an adult! get a job!"
And I've done all those things. And yet, I still hear these songs.
Maybe I've made a miscalculation.
I think perhaps the operating system of society needs an update, and the hardware needs a reboot. Because I'm stuck in an infinite loop.
The problem is me, or the world. Which is more likely? The world is just, and I'm insane, or I am just, and the world is insane.
What are the odds...
"Don't mind her... she's just drunk."
Edited by darci, 29 June 2019 - 04:06 AM.
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Posted 29 June 2019 - 03:59 AM
I'm sorry, it's one of those nights.
I'm thinking of my cousin.
He died in a motorcycle accident.
He is and was more than I could ever say, short as his life was, as unknowing as he will always be, and how his existence has affected me.
I'm getting shitfaced. I've smoked what must be a metric ton, and a half bottle of wine is missing the other half.
I'm fucking crazy. I admit it. Freely. Lost my shit, entirely.
Posting on the internet to strangers, embarrassing myself, praying that my puke won't upset my company's feet. You, my friends, have the sense not to drink and I stumble inebriated and incontinent about you. If I were standing in your puke-soaked shoes, I'd be kicking me right now, as well.
Nothing worse than an emissary preaching the end is nigh. I don't believe this, but my god we are in trouble. The human species. The human race. What can I do? Little ol' me.
Most of the time I tell myself to shut up. When I've lost all self-control, I post here, so most of you who know anything of me think I'm batshit insane (your opinion is justified) and that I'm an attention whore (justified, 2.0) and though I may have excuses for my behavior, the uncouth is still the uncouth.
So what is my point here... eh?
I think I'm going to drive to the middle of the desert (ha! that's PHOENIX) NO I mean, where other people aren't. And just sit there in the sand and look at the sky, and when I find the answer that I probably already know, I'll come back here and try deleting all my posts, FURIOUSLY, to no avail as they are now set in stone.
Darci, you dumbass, there is no redemption in this alliteration, you twat.
I guess it's time again. I have a batch of shrooms poking out from their cakes. Any day now.
Shit's going to be tough, I know it. Threw up once tonight, on purpose. I don't want to go back to my bulimia days but it always feels more than appropriate before I hit the shamanic paths. Ayahuasca makes me do it, anyway. Not really because I'm upset at food I eat so much as what food has become in my thoughts.
I need to speak to the spirits again, instead of dumping all this crap on you guys.
Apologies. I'll update if/when. You know the drill.
Edited by darci, 29 June 2019 - 04:10 AM.
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Posted 29 June 2019 - 09:01 AM
The shores and coves of my island are open and welcoming darci.
I would much rather provide the safe harbor, and risk the occasional pirate and thief, than to ever turn away the potential for a closer, more amiable understanding of another wandering soul. I would not lose that out of fear for a wounding, the gains are too great, and I am not so fragile now as I was in my younger days....................................
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Posted 30 June 2019 - 01:56 PM
Hey Darci, I just clicked on the first song. It was very nice. I'm typically very sheltered with my time (although I end up wasting it in the end) so I didn't listen to the second batch of songs yet. I know we don't know each other at all but i'm wishing you the best and want to befriend you. We all have these troughs. The spirits will help you, I'll pray for it, I'll think about you.
Edited by Moonless, 30 June 2019 - 02:01 PM.
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