I've got a couple recent trips I want to share. The first one led directly to the type of experience I would have on the second trip, although I never would have guess it would turn out that way.
15 June 2019 (Saturday)
“Being here and now with Awareness”
I drank tea made with 6 grams of psilocybe cubensis mushrooms. I had a new setup in my living room for my small alter and it felt nice to sit there as the effects of the mushrooms arose. After a while, I started to think that these mushrooms were not going to work. My trip felt as if it just fizzled away, although I could feel a tightness or a knot in my stomach. I realized I needed to feel what that tightness was and as I began to look inward to feel it, it released….and with that release my experience exploded! I sensed everything around me as it was, without stories, fresh and alive! I let go of so much weighing down my mind.
I rushed to find my wife and brought her back to the living room with me, I needed to share this moment with her. I held her and apologized to her, I knew how much I was not there for her in the past when she needed me, but at this moment I could feel and understand her more fully and wanted only to apologize for my lack of feeling and my ignorance in what she had gone through in all the years we’ve been together.
After a while, she went back to bed and I stayed on the couch absorbing the warmth and energy from the light of the candle.
I had several revelations that night, although most are hard to hold onto now. At one point I put my hands on the wall and just realized that I could sense these things as they are without any ideas behind them. I looked around at the room and felt as if I was seeing it for the first time.
When I closed my eyes, my mind would slow and I could hear the vibrations from sounds in the apartment. Even the tiniest sounds were felt.
At one point, I went into what I might imagine is samadhi. My mind perfectly still and quiet, aware only of pure awareness. Everything potential was in that ever expansive awareness. There was only knowing this awareness. After an unknown amount of time, I easefully came out of the trance.
When I looked at the picture of Ramana Maharshi, I could see the knowing in his eyes, I realized just how clever he was and why he relentlessly led everyone to know what he knew.
This blissful night eventually ended and I spent the next week revitalized and with a new understanding of my self inquiry meditating. I spent most of my days constantly bringing myself back to my center of awareness throughout the entirety of each day, at least much more than I have done in the past.
22 June 2019 (Saturday)
“Journey to the Beginnings of My Consciousness”
This trip was not planned in advance. My wife said she wanted to take a couple grams of mushrooms so I said I would join her. I made up some tea with 4 grams so that we could split it evenly. It was around 9:40pm when we drank our tea.
I felt a little sick during the come up. I felt a subtle vibration in my body that typically has only happened with stronger trips, so the mushrooms must have been good, or maybe I’m entering the psychedelic state a little more easily now. By 10:15-10:30pm we were both feeling it and we decided so smoke some weed from the bong. Each hit brought me deeper and deeper into my trip, so after several hits I finally set it aside. I sat on the end of the bed and saw how everything around me was as it was because that’s how I created it.
My wife wanted something to eat so she asked me to go to the kitchen to get some bread. When I got to the kitchen though, I was overcome by some distant memories. There was a thunderstorm that night, and it may have been part of the trigger to the particular memories that I had.
I was sent back to some memories of how I felt as a child, feeling for the first time the incredible size of the land and the night sky around me, the sounds of the thunder so large. I FELT how it felt as a child, and as a child it was frightening, but now feeling those feelings again I was able to allow those feeling to pass through me without the fear and simply to acknowledge them. Some of the feelings/memories seemed connected directly to times that I can remember in my childhood that were previously lost and forgotten. Others seemed just as real, but I could not connect to a direct memory (I wondered then and later if some of those memories were of my childhood from this life, or from dreams, or passed down generationally somehow?)
When I had breaks in these memories, I would go back to the bedroom, where my wife would find me empty-handed or holding only one of the items that she was asking for (keep in mind she was only asking for bread and butter lol.) I would then proceed back to the kitchen to fulfill my task and get taken back to another memory/feeling.
Another one I remember quite well was how I was looking at the window, almost two dimensionally. It had the quality of being in a picture, or in a stage, somehow that what I was seeing was all there was as if you could pull at the wall and it would just be a page out of a book…no substance behind it. I was seeing the wall and window and how they would vibrate from the thunder, I could hear the thunder and it all seemed somewhat disconnected. I realized that I was seeing these things without the interpretation of knowledge, as a new baby would see things. I realized that our memories build on each other, those memories created the world that we “know” now. But experiencing life literally for the first time, there is nothing to backup ideas of reality because no ideas have even been created yet. There was only the experience of seeing these patterns and colors and how they moved, only the experience of the sounds of the thunder without even knowing what thunder was. It was confusing and scary in its own way. Even though I cannot remember the first time I saw or heard these things, there WAS a first time, and there were feelings that were part of that experience.
I finally made it back to the bedroom, empty handed again, but by this time I think my wife gave up on me and she suggested I lay down in the bed. At this point, after going further and further back in my own memories, there was no stopping it from continuing to strip back even further.
I quickly went back to the point where my sensory perceptions learned to perceive. At some point, in the bedroom where I was laying, I sensed/heard a boom, like the idea of a sonic boom, or a sharp snap, happen inside me. It signified to me that there was no turning back. I continued backward, through the earliest stages of physical development. I finally went so far back that there was only consciousness. My mind pictured it as being in a “room” so to speak, or more like a fully enclosed container. It was fluid, not like water, but in a way that it continuously moved and was able to move in any way it wanted. The color was maybe white, but even that could change as it wanted to fulfill whatever it wanted. In this beginning stage of pure consciousness, there was no perception of anything outside consciousness. All existed in consciousness and all possibilities could be created in it. (I later wondered if this is what happens before or during the fetus being in the womb, before any sense perceptions have even had a chance to develop.) This lasted for a good amount of time and I experience a lot, most of which is now hard to recall, but I do know that all experiences were within consciousness and in no way outside it.
I started to very slowly ascend up out of this stage. In my pure state of consciousness, I could sense other consciousnesses outside of my own somehow. I realized that that is how we are all interacting on a larger scale, our own consciousness has expanded outward, not only caused by our senses, but also with the memories we have built up over our lifetimes. And each of us interacts with each other only by way of our expanded consciousnesses, not from anything external to it. I continued to ascend, putting pieces back in order. I saw how easily I could get lost in this maze – so much so that at one point I thought that the rest of my life was going to be in this endless process of putting things back together and that I would just find myself waking up years from now in a mental hospital, where my family would have sent me years prior because their husband/dad had lost his mind. Luckily I kept ascending, albeit painfully slow.
I regained a sense of being in my bedroom, then my wife was very angry at me. I had no idea why at the time, I could hardly imagine trying to explain what I had been through just moments earlier. I got up and my wife finally fell asleep. I got back into bed and time slowed down. I looked at the clock, it was 2:20am. I lay there, my mind still trying to put itself together and make sense of the night. After at least an hour, I looked at the clock again….2:20am. Fuck! Things were going so fast in my mind that it was as if time stopped. Over the next few hours in my head, the time on the clock finally progressed twenty or thirty minutes, somehow only occasionally allowing myself to look at the clock.
I felt as if I may never get over this trip, it was very difficult after the point of being pure consciousness and rebuilding myself. I have had some difficult trips before, so I was able to console myself at least to some degree, that once the mushrooms wore off I would at least be able to function again. The next day surprisingly allowed me to begin integrating much faster than I ever anticipated the night before. The world around me continues to seem less real than before, and maybe the largest benefit of these efforts are that my interactions with my kids will allow them to grow and develop in a much healthier way than I did.