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What God? What country?

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#1 mrmushroomwolf



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Posted 29 July 2019 - 10:53 PM

I've served in the US military for longer than I care to admit. How long is enough for me to feel like a hero? Because, right now all I feel like is a pawn. A pawn who has been used to kill and destroy. As I type this my beloved service will drop bombs on families, women and children etc. And non of us will lose a wink. We get to sleep just fine because we don't "know". Well I know, and you know. The mushrooms have helped me be more conected with what is really going on around me. So how do I keep living my life knowing my work is to deprived others.

I don't want to do that anymore. And I can't pretend that I'm blind to the true price of nationality. What it means to put the red white and blue on your sleeve. We murder by ignorance, by fear, by lack of giving a fuck.

I don't know how many pretend smiles I have while I know what I've helped create.

The only hope I have is that we will stop looking at each other by the color of or skin. And what flag we fly. We must start to see each other as brothers and sisters. On big conected web of mycelium.

I'm not special, and neither are you. But together, maybe we can make something useful out of this shit hole of an existence. Maybe we can help each other I little bit and make this life worth something.

It's a privilege to be here with all of you, and I don't intend to waste it.
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#2 Alder Logs

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Posted 29 July 2019 - 11:59 PM

It took me my full four years plus an involuntary extension of active duty to finally start to see something about what I was involved in during the Vietnam War.  I was about to reenlist when they pulled a dirty to try to coerce me into reupping.  That's when I changed my mind and got out.  Then as fortune smiled on me, I soon fell in with a bunch of hippies, turned on, and so on.   Hang in there and do what you have to do, but be careful.

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#3 Misfit



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Posted 30 July 2019 - 04:05 AM

I served 13.5 years before ptsd and “self medicating” finally won. The military made me think that I would never make it in life unless I stayed in. Maybe that was my own shit. I got in some trouble. Drinking excessively and snap episodes of blind rage ended in handcuffs one night, and that was the beginning of what I thought was the end. Looking back on it it was the most beautiful moment of my entire life.
It took some time for me to reintegrate to society. I had moved to daily IV use before I was even fully separated. I spent 18 months in a full blown hell and almost lost my life. Luckily I was able to get help with both addiction and my mental health. I held such resentment toward the military and the way I had been treated, or maybe not treated, that I decided I would keep that experience as part of what shaped me, but would not let it define who I was as a man.
My two biggest pieces of advice would be 1. Go to the doctor for EVERYTHING. Your disability claim will be much easier. 2. Figure out what you want to do when you get out and take advantage of tuition assistance while you can. I was a weapons troop in the Air Force. We loaded bombs and ammo, and maintained the weapons systems. Not much of a market for that career field in the outside world. If you are in a situation like that start figuring out which direction you want to go.
I hope something in here was of some help or motivation. Hopefully you aren’t at the start of another 4 year bid, and can prepare to transition out. Stay safe. Feel free to message me if you feel inclined.
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#4 ItBeBasidia



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Posted 30 July 2019 - 09:03 PM

Hey man, I feel you and came to the same conclusions. There are options.

If you still have time left and don't want to contribute to death and destruction anymore, you can declare yourself as a conscientious objector. The burden of proof will be on you, but if you are sincere, it will go through and you will have the option to get out honorably or serve the rest of your time in a non combative role.

Best of luck brother

By the way these guys and this site might be of help

Edited by ItBeBasidia, 30 July 2019 - 09:07 PM.

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#5 mrmushroomwolf



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Posted 31 July 2019 - 06:10 PM

Thanks to all for the replies. I'm doing a bit better today and trying to take it one day at a time. The good news is I'm very close to out. I just feel like every day I put on the uniform is a denial of what I know is right. Right for me at least. I'm just tired of being part of the system and looking forward to putting it behind me.

Soon I'll be free to make my own mistakes. Maybe I still have time to make the world a bit brighter.

Finding this site has helped. I never realized I was a hippie and it took me a long time to understand that I was programed to believe most of what I used to believe. That's why I had so much strife and depression, because I was going against my true nature every day.
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#6 Misfit



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Posted 31 July 2019 - 07:42 PM

At least you are close to out man. Keep your chin up.
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#7 brainnotworking



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Posted 05 September 2019 - 01:03 PM

i never served in the armed forces, i know of some who joined only to regret it later in life. Even though war and death are a part of your job, let it be a lesson in what it is like to be a part of that world. You have experiences most civilians will never experience and with that knowledge comes a lot of influence that you can put into hatred and anger, or understanding and acceptance. War is war and when you are a soldier you are a pawn for the big men playing on the board. The thing you should do is live your life how you want to after this part of your life is over. i hope you can find a way to come to terms and forgive yourself and your enemies and focus on the greater things in life my friend, like love and acceptance. Though it seems like you are already on the right side of the road now :) Peace and love and hope you can serve your country with a little sense of dignity before you start a new page in your life. 

#8 TVCasualty


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Posted 05 September 2019 - 02:28 PM

Maybe I still have time to make the world a bit brighter.


Not only that, but your time in the military will give you a degree of credibility in certain contexts that would be lacking otherwise.


Someone who has never served would be more expected to speak out against the fucked up things that all military forces tend to do to varying degrees, and are often summarily ignored by the people who need to hear such things the most because of this lack of personal experience. 


But someone who has served is coming from an insider's perspective, and that can be far more persuasive to those who dismiss the criticisms of those who have not.


It's one of the things I'm getting at with my "embrace your damage" line there by my avatar. We can only really act from the point of departure at which we find ourselves, after all.

#9 makinbones69



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Posted 05 September 2019 - 04:41 PM

I got out in 2012. I was OIF and OEF deployed 2x in 4 years. In ships mostly tho except for 2 months also the Fukushima meltdown in 2011 my ship did humanitarian mission there. Were all pawns man it's the grace in which we learn from our experiences be they positive or negative that makes it worth it. Dont worry keep in mind it's a small chapter in your life and when ur out you will have a perspective that so few have trust me! Life is hardship man it's the few good parts that make it. It's sad, it's beautiful, its nasty and amazing. Just remember nothing us forever do ur four and get out it's easy day man !

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