Not sure whether what I've been experiencing lately is special, or if this kind of thing happens to everyone when they begin reaching middle age.
But I've noticed more and more lately that the past is present. Whether it's movies, music, or culture... what's being sold today is a re-hash of what's been done before. I can't go to a shopping center without hearing 80s music being played loudly even in the parking lot. Movie intros use graphic styles that are borrowed from decades past. Netflix's Stranger Things is another phenomenon.
Then there's another, deeper kind of reminiscence that comes to the fore more subtly but more profoundly than anything intentional.
I just woke up from a dream where I bought a handful of CDs (remember those?) from a music store. It felt like the most natural thing in the world. I didn't question that I was back in Texas, I didn't question that the year was nineteen-ninety-something, I didn't question that I was driving in the rain. I had a dream chat with the dream salesman and got into my dream car and hit the dream road, and the first song to come on my dream radio was this one:
And that was one I only ever heard my parents listening to, especially my dad. This band wasn't something I remember ever hearing on the radio, no friends ever listened to them, there was no fanclub that I was aware of. Only my parents. It was a compilation record of greatest hits that I often heard on the stereo when my mom was cleaning house or on a tape when I was in the truck with my dad going somewhere, just he and I. I remember feeling how bad my dad wanted a son and how close I was to him those rare and precious days when we bonded, taking me on road trips to go fishing or to the range or to look through his telescope.
I listen to the lyrics, and although they are about romance, in some places they seemed like a personal message coming from wherever my dad is now. When it says "you're there on the dance floor" I can feel his confusion at not understanding why I loved to dance so much and his dismissal when I wanted to take lessons. I have lived with much anger towards him for not being there for me the times and ways I needed. I am learning to forgive him and understand that he was only a person, full of flaws just like me.
This was the next song in my dream:
I began to become self-aware and conscious that I was dreaming, and that there was somehow a message meant for me. For a few brief moments it seemed like my dad was all around me and wanted me to know something. The feelings of nostalgia were so strong I started crying in my dreams hard enough that it forced me awake to wipe away my real tears. It's 5:07 AM as I am about to hit the button to post this message. I am crying, but I know I need to.
Once again I'm wondering if I'm not being a weirdo to bring this up to strangers but sometimes I need to talk to someone about some things sometimes. I live such a lonely life... sometimes I just have to.
Mycotopia, you're always there for me.
Another song on that compilation album:
Edited by darci, 28 August 2019 - 08:01 AM.