I've been suffering from anger issues ever since I was a preteen boy. My first anger outburst that I remember is tearing apart an entire deck of cards because they were too slippery and I couldn't make a tower out of them. Growing mushrooms also caused some anger, as I smashed all inoculated agar plates I had except for two because they kept getting contaminated. It all culminated when I killed a tiny pf cake that I made out of leftover cake mix. I don't remember why I did it, maybe with the agar, or maybe something else made me angry. It doesn't really matter. What does matter is that I cried really hard after that and slapped and punched myself for doing it. It's not the first time I tried to punish myself for this kind of incidents, but I realise it's a completely wrong approach. I just direct the anger inward instead of outward.
Anyway, after this incident, I swore not to break things anymore and to prevent any angry outbursts I might have. It was a sort of a catharsis, I felt this serenity for a couple of days that I rarely felt before. However, in the last two days I've been getting angry again.
Yesterday I planned to try out lemon tek for the first time with 2g when I get back home from work. However, about two hours before finishing I lost my employee card. This would potentially lead to a series of problems and I got very angry thinking about them. I tried calming myself, thinking how I can't trip tonight if I'm angry and how being angry cannot help me in any way whatsoever. In the end I finally found my card, calmed down and decided to trip anyway.
The lemon tek didn't really work, but I still had a nice light trip. At one point when I closed my eyes I saw a demon-child who was kicking and screaming. I recognized this as a personification of my anger issues. My first reaction was to push it away, to kill it, to do something negative. Then I realised that this is the completely wrong approach, so I decided to hug it and send it love. I couldn't really hug it, but I did feel love for it. Nothing was happening as it was still kicking and screaming for a while, and then it dissipated into some ghost-like faces.
My anger is still there, today I got angry three times, twice at my bosses for giving me more work than needed, and once at the dishes in the sink because they would stay the way I tried to stack them. Yes, I know, it is a ridiculous reason to get angry for.
I don't know how to proceed with dealing with my anger. I think it gets worse when I stop smoking weed for a while (but I'm not so sure about that one), or when I suffer from lack of sleep, which is pretty much all the time since I work the night shifts with very few days off and often go from night shift to day shift, or day shift to morning shift with less than 8 hours to go home, sleep and go back to work. I'm not sure if posting this can help me in any way, but I'd like to thank anyone who read the entire post, even if you cannot offer any advice.