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Met the personification of my anger issues


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#1 NatureIsMagic

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Posted 30 August 2019 - 05:34 PM

I've been suffering from anger issues ever since I was a preteen boy. My first anger outburst that I remember is tearing apart an entire deck of cards because they were too slippery and I couldn't make a tower out of them. Growing mushrooms also caused some anger, as I smashed all inoculated agar plates I had except for two because they kept getting contaminated. It all culminated when I killed a tiny pf cake that I made out of leftover cake mix. I don't remember why I did it, maybe with the agar, or maybe something else made me angry. It doesn't really matter. What does matter is that I cried really hard after that and slapped and punched myself for doing it. It's not the first time I tried to punish myself for this kind of incidents, but I realise it's a completely wrong approach. I just direct the anger inward instead of outward.

 

Anyway, after this incident, I swore not to break things anymore and to prevent any angry outbursts I might have. It was a sort of a catharsis, I felt this serenity for a couple of days that I rarely felt before. However, in the last two days I've been getting angry again.

 

Yesterday I planned to try out lemon tek for the first time with 2g when I get back home from work. However, about two hours before finishing I lost my employee card. This would potentially lead to a series of problems and I got very angry thinking about them. I tried calming myself, thinking how I can't trip tonight if I'm angry and how being angry cannot help me in any way whatsoever. In the end I finally found my card, calmed down and decided to trip anyway.

 

The lemon tek didn't really work, but I still had a nice light trip. At one point when I closed my eyes I saw a demon-child who was kicking and screaming. I recognized this as a personification of my anger issues. My first reaction was to push it away, to kill it, to do something negative. Then I realised that this is the completely wrong approach, so I decided to hug it and send it love. I couldn't really hug it, but I did feel love for it. Nothing was happening as it was still kicking and screaming for a while, and then it dissipated into some ghost-like faces.

 

My anger is still there, today I got angry three times, twice at my bosses for giving me more work than needed, and once at the dishes in the sink because they would stay the way I tried to stack them. Yes, I know, it is a ridiculous reason to get angry for.

 

I don't know how to proceed with dealing with my anger. I think it gets worse when I stop smoking weed for a while (but I'm not so sure about that one), or when I suffer from lack of sleep, which is pretty much all the time since I work the night shifts with very few days off and often go from night shift to day shift, or day shift to morning shift with less than 8 hours to go home, sleep and go back to work. I'm not sure if posting this can help me in any way, but I'd like to thank anyone who read the entire post, even if you cannot offer any advice.


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#2 RainbowCatepillar

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Posted 30 August 2019 - 06:01 PM

I first of all think you're definitely on the right track! You're confronting your anger.

That is the only way to change this. Also, I had a very similar experience with confronting my personal demon. Anxiety. 

Anyways brother, I want to recommend an app that has COMPLETELY changed my life: The Waking Up app by Sam Harris. 
It's a powerful course on meditation and has some cool lessons on shit like how psychedelics can change the mind for the better. PLEASE try it!
It costs to use it, but as the app info says, if you email them saying you want to use the course but can't afford to, you get a free one year subscription.

Meditation is definitely the most powerful tool to change the mind for the better. Especially combined with psychedelics! Give it a chance. I promise you won't regret it! 

 

Best of luck to you man! Sending love and light to aid in your healing!


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#3 NatureIsMagic

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Posted 30 August 2019 - 06:06 PM

Thank you for your kind words, friend. I did meditate regularly for a while, but didn't have enough time during the summer because of too much work so I kinda fell behind. I am definately going to try harder to fit in at least 20 minutes of meditation time each day.


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#4 RainbowCatepillar

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Posted 30 August 2019 - 06:16 PM

That's awesome! Try to stay on top of it because I've found that it actually DOES change how you respond to situations! 
Keep us posted on your progress man! 


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#5 Guy1298

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Posted 31 August 2019 - 03:24 PM

One day, I suspect you'll find almost nothing makes you angry. That's just a guess. :). 


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#6 ScreamingEagle

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Posted 01 September 2019 - 09:37 PM

I've been suffering from anger issues ever since I was a preteen boy. My first anger outburst that I remember is tearing apart an entire deck of cards because they were too slippery and I couldn't make a tower out of them. Growing mushrooms also caused some anger, as I smashed all inoculated agar plates I had except for two because they kept getting contaminated. It all culminated when I killed a tiny pf cake that I made out of leftover cake mix. I don't remember why I did it, maybe with the agar, or maybe something else made me angry. It doesn't really matter. What does matter is that I cried really hard after that and slapped and punched myself for doing it. It's not the first time I tried to punish myself for this kind of incidents, but I realise it's a completely wrong approach. I just direct the anger inward instead of outward.
 
Anyway, after this incident, I swore not to break things anymore and to prevent any angry outbursts I might have. It was a sort of a catharsis, I felt this serenity for a couple of days that I rarely felt before. However, in the last two days I've been getting angry again.
 
Yesterday I planned to try out lemon tek for the first time with 2g when I get back home from work. However, about two hours before finishing I lost my employee card. This would potentially lead to a series of problems and I got very angry thinking about them. I tried calming myself, thinking how I can't trip tonight if I'm angry and how being angry cannot help me in any way whatsoever. In the end I finally found my card, calmed down and decided to trip anyway.
 
The lemon tek didn't really work, but I still had a nice light trip. At one point when I closed my eyes I saw a demon-child who was kicking and screaming. I recognized this as a personification of my anger issues. My first reaction was to push it away, to kill it, to do something negative. Then I realised that this is the completely wrong approach, so I decided to hug it and send it love. I couldn't really hug it, but I did feel love for it. Nothing was happening as it was still kicking and screaming for a while, and then it dissipated into some ghost-like faces.
 
My anger is still there, today I got angry three times, twice at my bosses for giving me more work than needed, and once at the dishes in the sink because they would stay the way I tried to stack them. Yes, I know, it is a ridiculous reason to get angry for.
 
I don't know how to proceed with dealing with my anger. I think it gets worse when I stop smoking weed for a while (but I'm not so sure about that one), or when I suffer from lack of sleep, which is pretty much all the time since I work the night shifts with very few days off and often go from night shift to day shift, or day shift to morning shift with less than 8 hours to go home, sleep and go back to work. I'm not sure if posting this can help me in any way, but I'd like to thank anyone who read the entire post, even if you cannot offer any advice.


In my experiences I have found that bitterness is the root of my anger. My bitterness is caused by an unforgiving heart. Once I learned to let go of the wrongs that I felt that others have committed against me, my bitterness subsided. Once my bitterness subsided, my healing began. Once I forgive others, I forgave myself.
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#7 onediadem

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Posted 02 September 2019 - 01:05 AM

Anger is a secondary emotion. There is always something underneath it. Usually fear. It really does help to just stop whatever it is you are doing and really examine the anger and what was triggered to bring it to the forefront. Recognizing the triggers help stabilize anger issues. That old saying count to ten really does work, because it forces you to stop reacting. Did you know that anger actually causes bodily harm to yourself? The chemicals released do serious damage. Especially if you are angry often. I hope you can find some peace. Life is too precious to let anger destroy yours.


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#8 Alder Logs

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Posted 02 September 2019 - 01:28 PM

Just like the rational mind, anger can be a good servant, but will be a terrible master.


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#9 NatureIsMagic

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Posted 06 September 2019 - 02:51 PM

Lots of good replies. I meditated on what could be the root of my anger for a couple of days. I think it might be irationally exaggerated fear of failure. When things don't go the way I wanted or when I lose control over something, I lose control of myself in a ridiculously misplaced attempt to regain control. Sounds ridiculous, but I believe this is what happens in my subconciousness. I've always had this fear stop me from being successful, as whenever failure appeared in my mind as a possibility, I'd just stop whatever I was trying to do and thus fail by not trying. I understand on a logical level what this leads to and how it hinders me, but I guess I was subconciously trying to protect myself from the inevitable anger that I'd feel upon failing.

 

Now, coming to logical conclusions is one thing, but integrating them is another. How would I go around with that? One thing coming to my mind is that what I need to do is forgive myself for being a failable human being.


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#10 RedHighHeels

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Posted 06 September 2019 - 03:18 PM

My husband has outbursts of self punishing behaviour both verbal and physical. Poor man is so depressed and it is heartbreaking to see. When he gets like that I find that holding him helps get him to a calm place faster than talking to him. My husbands back story; IMO his childhood is the root of his depression. He was a missionary kid raised in a third world country that was very tribal (free range). His parents believed God looked out for him. He has had numerous near death experiences as a child. Neglect, bullied in school, bullied by siblings, molestation, the list goes on. Amazingly he is the most kind hearted and trustworthy person I have ever known. Being desperate for peace and relief  he started researching his issues and found an audio book by Michael Pollan called "How to change your mind". This book covers new science about Psychedelics, Depression, Transcendence and Consciousness. The book is very good and full of usefull information. He has decided to take his vacation time and use it for Psychedelic and plant healing. It is said that Iboga is like a stern father guiding you and I think this will help get him and myself both on the path to loving ourselves and respecting our bodies. Not sure if my post is of any help at all but just know you are not alone in this. Much love to you and success on your search for peace.


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#11 NatureIsMagic

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Posted 06 September 2019 - 03:32 PM

Every reply helps, friend! The book looks really interesting, I added it to my to-read list. Unfortunately, the list keeps getting bigger as for every read book I add 10 more. :biggrin: As for iboga, it really is a fascinating substance. I'd love to try it at one point, from what I've heard it's a once-in-a-lifetime experience that resets you fully.


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#12 NatureIsMagic

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Posted 12 September 2019 - 02:54 PM

I might be making some progress. Today I failed in a big way by breaking two jars while trying to make liquid inoculant. I actually managed not to get angry. After the first break I was completely cool and felt really good for staying calm. After the second time I was pretty annoyed, but it was far from anger. I threw my glowes across the room once I took them off and I had the impulse to destroy my sab for a split second, but I never came close to actually doing it.

#13 Alder Logs

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Posted 12 September 2019 - 03:08 PM

I have fun once in while these days when I hear myself yelling, "FUCK!"   I often have a little smile over it.  Then I go back and try to get it right the next time.


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#14 GORF

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Posted 12 September 2019 - 06:06 PM

I dont remember who I'm quoting but I still remember the quote

Being filled with anger at others is like consuming poison and then expecting them to die
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#15 onediadem

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Posted 12 September 2019 - 10:47 PM

Anything that happens in this hobby is definately not worth getting angry over. It will not be the first jars you ever break, I promise. Wait till you knock up 120 jars and they all go bad on you because you thought, I got this print from a very experienced grower and didn't do a test jar first. I do not open contaminated anything.. that was a pretty hard hit for me. LOL, I learned a valuable lesson, and was at a place in my grows where I could laugh it off because shit happens. Oh yeah, having to replace the jars stung too.


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#16 Thacan

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Posted 24 September 2019 - 05:08 AM


My single favorite book for my personal issues along these lines is “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz. A short but powerful book. Reconciliation” by Thich Nhat Hanh is another. In your dream you actually practiced something that Thich Nhat Hanh would recommend when you hugged your anger child.

Funny thing about books they sometimes have changed my path in life. Someone above mentioned Michael Pollen’s “How to change your mind” and this book altered my trajectory to find this wonderful community.
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