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here we are again, Tell me what you are doing :D


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#41 KapnDank

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Posted 09 September 2019 - 09:22 PM

Ive been taking care of my mom. Keep having to put her in the hospital for acute psychosis. She just gets more out there than we can help or even contain and in a short period of time. Scared she's gonna hurt herself and I have to sleep even though she may not for a couple days.... On top of that I was recently fired which is why you see me around here so much lately. At least it gives me some time to focus on my mom when she's home and I was complacent at the job I was at anyways.

#42 Tomfa

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Posted 17 September 2019 - 07:42 AM

Sorry to hear about your mom kap, and you as well. I am sure things are really good when your moms' medication is working, and when she takes it, and overwhelming when she cycles out of control. With her mind going a million miles an hour, no one could possibly keep up, and with the state of mental health being what it is these days, it makes life very difficult for families dealing with these issues. Here in my state, we have a shortage of proper facilities, but there are times that families are able to bring a family member from inpatient into a type of halfway/boarding facility that is staffed with mental health professionals. When I was in the field, I started out in one of these facilities. Some people stayed for weeks, and others are there for years, but the great part is that these folks are able to lead independent lives, and at the same time, making sure they get proper medication management, and inpatient care when needed. Unexpected challenges for sure, but, if you have facilities like this in your state, I would encourage you to go visit and explore the possibility of having an additional resource.

#43 KapnDank

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Posted 17 September 2019 - 11:23 AM

Unfortunately my state is lacking in places like that. We've been exploring options because she has more bad days than good and it's getting progressively worse each cycle. Then when she is good she just wants to try and convince everyone that her delusions were real. Can't get her to talk about other things and can't get her to understand that all the external problems she thinks she has is just paranoia and delusions and won't accept that many of the things she thinks has happened to her was merely hallucinations. She convinces herself when she's at her best that they were just "vivid dreams" and that she's been asleep for days even though she was actually awake the whole time and accusing everyone around of some wild shit she was imagining. It's wild how multiple people can tell her what really happened yet she chooses to argue and believe that her delusion is what really happened. It's like shes in denial that there's something wrong with her mind and she wants to blame it on everything thing else around her no matter how nonsensical it may be to put the blame on those things. That and she's gotten to where she's lost all empathy and expects everyone around her to pay constant attention to her at all times which means when we go to sleep she'll wake us up over and over to talk about some nonsense. It sucks but she needs inpatient care and I can't find a place that offers that except in a neighboring state and you have to be a resident of that state to be a patient there so I really have no idea what to do at this point and her DR has been completely useless for the most part. It's like he doesn't understand what's going on with her and doesn't seem to listen to what I tell him is going on. Just wants to treat things like it's all hunky dory and still hasn't gotten back to me about other options.
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#44 Tomfa

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Posted 17 September 2019 - 11:11 PM

Damn, nothing gets under my skin more than poor provider care. I, and you more so, know the limitations that health care providers are under because of insurance dictating care. That in itself has never made sense. Anyway, I hope your able to push up through the health care chain in your state, including visits to every single politician that supposedly represents you, and ask for their help. If you visit often enough... You know, like every day, then they will get tired of seeing you and start making calls. Before you go, try to formulate a treatment plan that you think will work, like inpatient stay until comp, etely stabilized on meds, not just until they barely start her on them. Try to do a basic treatment history for them so they know what has been done before. Most importantly, and I know this is a chore, always be professional and polite, despite sheathing underneath. They know your frustration, but they will likely help more, once they know your going to be on their doorstep everyday, but also being more sincere than anyone deserves. Really, I feel for you, and hope your able to get the right people on board. When they send you to someone, make sure they know your going to be back the very next day to give them a personal update, and keep asking them questions on how they can help. If they say they can't, then tell them that isn't good enough, and ask them to hire and psy for legal representation to force the state to take action. I know it sounds difficult, but if you have good political reps, they will help.
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#45 RainbowCatepillar

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Posted 18 September 2019 - 12:11 AM

@Kapn, I'm so sorry you have so much on your plate. That sounds terribly stressful.. For what it's worth, I am wishing you and your family peace and wellness. Please keep us updated on you and your mom's condition. Tomfa has shared insights that I hope will help. 

@Tomfa, thank you for your genuine expressions of empathy and concern. I also thank you for sharing your insights because any of us can be in the same position. This information is invaluable.. 


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#46 KapnDank

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Posted 18 September 2019 - 05:46 AM

Thanks guys. It was good letting that all out and tomfa thanks for the info. Now I at least have a direction to take
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#47 KapnDank

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Posted 23 September 2019 - 03:35 PM

Wanted to let y'all know they finally changed my mom's meds and she's responding very well to them. She's been her old self ever since she got out last week. It's been wonderful having her back. She's began processing all of her delusions and letting go of them one by one. Can't be happier for her

Edited by KapnDank, 23 September 2019 - 03:36 PM.

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#48 crazy1

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Posted 23 September 2019 - 03:58 PM

That's some great news Kapn!!!!!!!!!!

 

Peace and more blessings to you and yours


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#49 RainbowCatepillar

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Posted 23 September 2019 - 11:24 PM

I am unbelievably happy for you! Thanks for sharing the great news! Sending loveeee!



#50 FunG

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Posted 23 September 2019 - 11:59 PM

Sitting on my futon in my tiny bachelor apartment on my cell phone on mycotopia giving cultivation advice while waiting for my rye and popcorn jars to speed up a little so I can begin day dreaming about my 3rd grow since I was allowed out of a psychiatric institute for going temporarily insane, smoking meth and cigarettes non stop while thinking of ways I can improve my life while already knowing all the answers but the meth addiction wont allow me to accept the fact so I'm just pretending to be happy while the special medicine makes me feel happy about my decisions.

Perpetual hell at its finest but at least I have mycotopia users to keep me entertained and sane, I only talked to myself for about a hour today :)

#51 RainbowCatepillar

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Posted 24 September 2019 - 12:42 AM

@FunG, I can't imagine what a meth addiction is like. I remember you saying it helps you with severe ADHD and it sounds like it's helping you cope with depression. I know your situation is really complicated, especially after everything that happened following the temp psychosis..

I'm glad this community has been helping you like you've been helping us. It's a pleasure to have you here! 

At the risk of prying a bit, I wanna ask something personal: what is the number one thing you think would help you improve your life? I ask because oftentimes we have a plethora of issues that stem from one chief character flaw. Mine is lack of discipline which manifests as procrastination/disorderliness. I'm the classic Type-B personality lol.. The factors that created this mental/behavioral pattern is complex and would take lots of explaining, but the fact of the matter is that unless I get a handle on this, my life will never reach its full potential. I'm currently working to strengthen this underdeveloped function through planning, executing, and enjoying the small victories. I backslide all the time, but every success is growth. Even when I feel I'm backsliding, objectively, I have made lots of progress.. I'd like to add that growing has helped me become more disciplined as well! Thanks Mycotopia!
 
What is it that's hold you back? Is there one chief character flaw that you can pinpoint? I genuinely hope you're able to find another way to feel better other than using meth because I've never heard of any happy endings with that stuff.. :(


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#52 onediadem

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Posted 24 September 2019 - 01:02 AM

My niece is the same. A very difficult situation at best. The Dr. finally started her on a monthly shot since she was so non compliant in taking her meds. She is schizophrenic and disappears for months on end. My sister has been trying to find a place for her, but is having difficulty locating one. She found out today that someone filed for ssi for her and is her rep payee. She has been on the streets for years, and my sister has had numerous appointments with social security, but every time the appt rolled around, my niece would disappear. My sister is pissed. Someone obviously posed as her and is collecting the money. They made her make an appt to go in and bring valid I.D to sort it out. Someone will be going to jail.

 

It is no small feat dealing with mental problems. I wish you all thew best.


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#53 TVCasualty

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Posted 24 September 2019 - 08:31 AM

The only thing to "do" that makes any sense to me anymore is to help each other endure this shit. Existence, I mean. All else is incidental, because death.

 

 

We're in free-fall, but it's okay cuz I got ya...

 

"Ok, great, thanks, but who's got you?!?"

 

 Well, you do, of course.

 

:eek:

 

:hug: 


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#54 firerat

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Posted 24 September 2019 - 09:01 AM

I was going to post something about how hard it is dealing with 2 kids under 3 and working 50+ hours a week all the while feeling like I'm losing myself as a man and have no idea who the fuck I am anymore.

 

But after reading a lot of these posts and seeing what a lot of you are dealing with, I think I'm ok. 


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#55 Coopdog

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Posted 24 September 2019 - 12:47 PM

Firerat never underestimate your problems nor your state of mind. Just because you read and empathize with other's issues doesn't make your own less relevent, as it is all subjective and all we know is the inside of our own heads brother. 

 

TV Casualty that was the best post I have seen in a while. Thank you for that. I always enjoy everything you put out there, and if you ever write a book pm me and I will buy a copy. You are a very well spoken and thoughtful human being. 

 

Kapndank man I feel for you more than you know. Having dealt with mental illness in family members for many years, I know how frustrating and difficult it can be, from the personal interactions, to the delusions, to the missed Doctors appointments... all of it. Impossibly hard to maintain your composure and peace of mind going through that, and the waiting for the next rock to fall on your head is a heavy burden to bear for anyone, even the most angelic of people. Hang in there and I am very happy that her meds have made an improvement. Enjoy it while it lasts, because with our own problem person, it was always short lived as she would get better and proclaim that God healed her and that she did not need meds anymore and then spiral right off the deep end again. It was an impossibly difficult cycle and went on to her dying day. The hard part of her case was that she was the most amazingly intelligent and well spoken person with a razor sharp mind and amazing intellect to interact with when she was up but when she was down it was the polar opposite no pun intended. 

 

Onediadem good luck with that situation as well. She may just have someone out there who also cares for her and wants the best for her, as unlikely as it may seem. You said she disappears for months, maybe someone is attempting to help her for real, just wishful thinking, but I try hard to think the best of people, despite my own experiences with the fucked up human race. There are good ones out there who care, and that is what keeps me going, 

 

Having one hell of an extended rough patch myself and as I told Firerat, reading others issues can and does help keep that in perspective, but you can't help what YOU are feeling and it is your own burden to bear. 

 

I wonder if the OP intended this to be one big lean on each other post lol, either way, it is heart warming to see how this community circles the wagons and makes a good spaCe for us to speak openly in. Thank you to all of you for that. I have been trying and will continue to try to be more positive, it just seems like I am drowning in strife all around me right now and summers end is not helping much. I was stuck at home or work all summer with no damn money this year, so the second week of October I have a few days at the ocean planned despite the fact that I had to get into some hard earned savings to do it. Hopefully I will come across a few pounds of Azurescens and have a life changing weekend lol. Wish me luck...


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#56 Alder Logs

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Posted 24 September 2019 - 01:48 PM

How I wish I could bottle that seeing that I am not this body, that is sure to wither, nor this mind, with its ideas of being what it thinks.  I am about not who likes me, or doesn't.  None of this means that a knowing heart behind this physical expression isn't there, and that empathy and feeling are not just as much a part of human being. 

 

What it means to me right now is that it's all underpinned with freedom.   I see the stark images that show a world ready to take a huge dump as well as anyone, maybe more, because I seek out some of the most dire reporting that many must avert their attention away from.  I want ways to make a difference in the physical experience here as much as any, yet I do not hate what is.   Not being the body/mind foremost in my experiencing, is to not be the doer.  Can I say what I am doing is not doing?   Can this be understood? 

 

Please be at peace, whatever arises in awareness. 

 

Namasté


Edited by Alder Logs, 24 September 2019 - 01:51 PM.

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#57 TVCasualty

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Posted 24 September 2019 - 04:52 PM

Alder: You don’t have to bottle it. It’s manifesting of its own accord and with its own timing, and that’s not a process we can speed up, at least not without a renunciation of the process that I am not willing to do (for now).

Here’s where I’m at at the moment: Being happy for no reason is apparently a function of reaching a certain age with a certain attitude. Many have achieved the age but lack the attitude (they occupy their time chasing kids off their lawns), and others like myself probably have a decent start on adopting the attitude but lack the age. And that’s relevant because of biochemistry.

I may not be this body, but I am sure as Hell still embroiled in its chemistry. But not just Hell; Heaven too. And it’s fucking awesome. I’m driven by this chemistry, and based on what I’ve been reading I still have a couple of decades to go before it relaxes its hold on my doomed meat-sack to the degree that I can be content allowing the maelstrom to subside. It’s probably not a coincidence that most if not all of the truly compelling Wise Asses in the world are relatively advanced in age.

I’m writing this from the perspective of the current ongoing Hell phase, which I am able to endure because I know that the next Heaven phase is going to be epic due to how deep this Hell phase went and how long it lasted. I find I can’t transcend Hell purely through Intent quite yet, but I can accept it as part of the fun.

And there’s no letting go of that for me, at least not yet. I’ve been noticing that I can change my mind with my mind (and many years of considerable study and effort have been put toward that end), but then my body changes it back the moment something attracts (or repels) my attention, and it’s always that god-damned beautiful chemistry doing the attracting (or repelling). So for me this has nothing to do with hearing so much bad news in the world.

But that’s just me. When there are children involved it’s not about the individual or their own stories at all. So unless abandoning the kids is the plan then for the parents among us, embodying what seems like what I guess I'd call methodological solipsistic transcendence will have to wait a bit.


Edited by TVCasualty, 24 September 2019 - 04:55 PM.

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#58 Alder Logs

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Posted 24 September 2019 - 06:04 PM

Maybe intent isn't the key.  I think it's simply discovery of what isn't some thing or other in time, nor has it a thing to do with age.  At the moment of discovery, I must say I could bless everything in experience.  That it seemed true that I could have stepped out of a personal mire at any time along the seeming way, that wasn't the play.  So, I am left only with being a possibility monger, saying only, none of this is what we think it is.   Entertaining that possibility, we might take a more focused look at what it is we do think.  Isn't that what we get free of?


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#59 TVCasualty

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Posted 25 September 2019 - 11:23 AM

The biochemistry stuff I mentioned (and how it changes over time) is demonstrably and measurably true. How could it not be relevant?

 

And assuming that one could have stepped out of one's personal mire at any point along the journey does not make it so. It might not be what we think it is (and how could it?) but it's still something.

 

As far as Intent goes, without it what is left? "Pure" perception? But of what, since all perception is apparently a form of interpretation? And without any Intent through which to interpret what we perceive (i.e., the "why"), what is the point of awareness at all? To only be a mirror is to not actually take part in the action, merely to reflect it. Nobody needs a body for that, but since we all have bodies at the moment (and opposable thumbs!) it seems like we're specifically geared up for action in the physical world.

 

In my estimation Intent is the most important factor of all since all else flows from that (for ourselves, anyway), so is much more than a mere key to other things (though it is that, too).

 

And I am certainly on board with the idea that reality or existence or whatever is not what I or anybody else thinks it is. And for that matter, there may not be only one reason for our being here (if there is any reason at all), so our best guesses might fall short because we may be stuck asking the wrong questions (it would be hard to tell).


Edited by TVCasualty, 25 September 2019 - 11:28 AM.

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#60 Alder Logs

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Posted 25 September 2019 - 12:57 PM

I obviously cannot satisfy anyone's mind with however highfalutin an idea I might proffer.  If the mind and its questions are considered the prerequisite for transcending the mind and its questions, then maybe there is only some kind of surrender, at some level, to this spiraling.   I think the mind bears watching.  What is it that can watch it?


Edited by Alder Logs, 25 September 2019 - 12:58 PM.

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