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#21 cybele

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Posted 04 September 2019 - 04:15 PM

Cybele, it sounds like you're in a tough spot with all that responsibility. And those work hours sound insane. 
Nobody should be working that much! I mean, if it were your passion, that'd be different, but since it's just a job,

it sounds like a draaaggg.. I hope you're able to negotiate a plan with your family to take a job that will be gentler on

your psyche. Only good would come from taking the pay cut because what you "lose" in money will be gained in life satisfaction

and family time. That's just my humble opinion, which you did not ask for lol.. 

 

Its certainly my passion, but that doesnt change the fact that its incredibly hard on the mind (those hours mean lots of lack of sleep) and it is not what is best for my family. Your opinion is welcomed, and true! Which is why I am working towards shifting my career, and goals. I know it will bring me a lot more satisfaction, and stability to have more time at home.



#22 Alder Logs

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Posted 04 September 2019 - 10:38 PM

It wouldn’t be a crisis either way. But I’m sure you can understand that is another major level of not feeling I belong where I am currently at.

I was referring to Mycotopia.  It's a good sized tent.



#23 Misfit

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Posted 04 September 2019 - 10:51 PM

Sorry I misunderstood what you were saying.


“I’d rather have nothing than have a lie”

#24 cybele

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Posted 09 September 2019 - 09:46 AM

It wouldn’t be a crisis either way. But I’m sure you can understand that is another major level of not feeling I belong where I am currently at.

 

Just remember that the majority is not always correct. In my latter years of being in the military I went through some major surgeries. About six months in I noticed myself changing and I pushed myself away from the medicine they were shoving down my throat. However, it did not take but three years for me to become a severe alcoholic. I just kept telling myself it was better than the opiates. Yet it was starting to affect my work, and social life. I denied the alcoholism for a long time because it was the normal culture for our unit. We drank so much together, and at functions. It took me waking up in a bathtub hardly able to walk out the bathroom because of all the cans/bottles that I realized I had a major problem.

 

All the briefings, and power points. All the constant military counseling on alcohol abuse, and they never covered stopping. They only covered prevention. Like abstinence it hardly ever works, and it misses so much more of the education. That morning I decided to quit cold turkey, and I woke up that night in sweats, vomiting, and having convulsions. I called a family member, and she informed me that one could die. Just stopping like that. For three days I sipped on some whiskey, and slowly weaned myself off. 

 

When I was two weeks clean I joined an alcoholics, and addicts community. I stayed for one year, and I will briefly discuss the insight that may be unique to me but it may help others. One things they constantly stated was once an addict always an addict. I seemed to cringe the first time I heard it, and the feeling grew each and every time it was shared. Blatantly ignoring that some people can change was to me, completely ignorant.

 

For me it was very simple, and years later psychedelics would shed light on something I found out on my own. Many times we lie to ourselves. We push things to the side, and we make excuses for ourselves. That is when the individual has lost mental strength. We know what is best yet we completely ignore it. I found that months after drinking, months after I removed that poison from my mentality that I had recovered that mental strength. I could watch others drink, I could see it on TV, and I could look the other way. I still stayed in the program, and went an entire year without drinking. I told myself after a year I would have a drink. That I had beaten that demon, and could congratulate myself. I went past that anniversary date, and did not even think about drinking. I was yet again coming up with an excuse, and trying to make my reason for drinking righteous.

 

About three years sober, and out of the military. I was out with some friends, and I had a drink. I thought nothing of it, and I still dont. I am a intelligent individual who saw the error of my ways. Once enlightened to the condition that I grew I realized it was okay to drink. I had the mental strength, and I could see what I was blind to for so long that I would never let it happen again. I still hardly ever drink but I cannot put myself on the construct that if I have a beer at a BBQ that I am some how less of a person, or relapsing. To me its a weaker construct to think that one has to stay away from alcohol if once an alcoholic. Like you have never learned from your mistakes. It shows strength that I can indulge without falling down the rabbit hole again.

 

I completely understand where you are coming from. The drinking culture seamless flows from the military world to the civilian defense sector because its mostly ex-military.


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#25 Alder Logs

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Posted 09 September 2019 - 01:55 PM

I was a three drink blackout alcoholic in the navy.  I was addicted to oblivion because I hated the story I had of myself.  On my first acid trip, I saw beauty in myself, and never wanted to be blacked out again.  The drive that made me act as an alcoholic ended that night at age 23.   I still drank, and often too much, but the real hold the alcohol stupor had on me was broken.   Now I don't drink hardly at all, but that's for the health of my body.   Five years ago, my stories lost their hold on me, and that stupor was substantially broken as well.   That was set up in good part by psychedelics, but manifested in a complete sobriety that I could call, self honesty.  My stories were me, bullshitting myself.  To say I am now nothing probably won't compute, but that's the me that is today, now. 


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#26 cybele

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Posted 09 September 2019 - 02:54 PM

I was a three drink blackout alcoholic in the navy.  I was addicted to oblivion because I hated the story I had of myself.  On my first acid trip, I saw beauty in myself, and never wanted to be blacked out again.  The drive that made me act as an alcoholic ended that night at age 23.   I still drank, and often too much, but the real hold the alcohol stupor had on me was broken.   Now I don't drink hardly at all, but that's for the health of my body.   Five years ago, my stories lost their hold on me, and that stupor was substantially broken as well.   That was set up in good part by psychedelics, but manifested in a complete sobriety that I could call, self honesty.  My stories were me, bullshitting myself.  To say I am now nothing probably won't compute, but that's the me that is today, now. 

 

That is exactly how I feel! Once you "beat" yourself, and can tell yourself the truth the veil is lifted. After that the given substance should have no hold on the individual. Its fascinating how much us humans bullshit ourselves.


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#27 Misfit

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Posted 09 September 2019 - 10:17 PM

It wouldn’t be a crisis either way. But I’m sure you can understand that is another major level of not feeling I belong where I am currently at.


Just remember that the majority is not always correct. In my latter years of being in the military I went through some major surgeries. About six months in I noticed myself changing and I pushed myself away from the medicine they were shoving down my throat. However, it did not take but three years for me to become a severe alcoholic. I just kept telling myself it was better than the opiates. Yet it was starting to affect my work, and social life. I denied the alcoholism for a long time because it was the normal culture for our unit. We drank so much together, and at functions. It took me waking up in a bathtub hardly able to walk out the bathroom because of all the cans/bottles that I realized I had a major problem.

All the briefings, and power points. All the constant military counseling on alcohol abuse, and they never covered stopping. They only covered prevention. Like abstinence it hardly ever works, and it misses so much more of the education. That morning I decided to quit cold turkey, and I woke up that night in sweats, vomiting, and having convulsions. I called a family member, and she informed me that one could die. Just stopping like that. For three days I sipped on some whiskey, and slowly weaned myself off.

When I was two weeks clean I joined an alcoholics, and addicts community. I stayed for one year, and I will briefly discuss the insight that may be unique to me but it may help others. One things they constantly stated was once an addict always an addict. I seemed to cringe the first time I heard it, and the feeling grew each and every time it was shared. Blatantly ignoring that some people can change was to me, completely ignorant.

For me it was very simple, and years later psychedelics would shed light on something I found out on my own. Many times we lie to ourselves. We push things to the side, and we make excuses for ourselves. That is when the individual has lost mental strength. We know what is best yet we completely ignore it. I found that months after drinking, months after I removed that poison from my mentality that I had recovered that mental strength. I could watch others drink, I could see it on TV, and I could look the other way. I still stayed in the program, and went an entire year without drinking. I told myself after a year I would have a drink. That I had beaten that demon, and could congratulate myself. I went past that anniversary date, and did not even think about drinking. I was yet again coming up with an excuse, and trying to make my reason for drinking righteous.

About three years sober, and out of the military. I was out with some friends, and I had a drink. I thought nothing of it, and I still dont. I am a intelligent individual who saw the error of my ways. Once enlightened to the condition that I grew I realized it was okay to drink. I had the mental strength, and I could see what I was blind to for so long that I would never let it happen again. I still hardly ever drink but I cannot put myself on the construct that if I have a beer at a BBQ that I am some how less of a person, or relapsing. To me its a weaker construct to think that one has to stay away from alcohol if once an alcoholic. Like you have never learned from your mistakes. It shows strength that I can indulge without falling down the rabbit hole again.

I completely understand where you are coming from. The drinking culture seamless flows from the military world to the civilian defense sector because its mostly ex-military.
I’ve been meaning to get a reply posted, but my schedule has been really hectic. I just wanted to add that I was hard into a 12 step. Sponsoring men, speaking in prisons, all that service work. When I moved to Arizona I never really connected with the fellowship out here. It probably had something to do with my sponsor smoking weed for a year and a half. No big deal really. But he lied about it the whole time. There was some feelings of betrayal and the other stuff that should go along with that whole situation.
Needless to say I have been away from the fellowship for about a year now. I still don’t drink, honestly cause I just don’t want to. I’m not saying that I don’t feel like I could have a drink if I felt like it. But it seems like a waste to just have one. So maybe I do still maintain that addict mentality to an extent.
The main reason I wanted to reply is a conversation my fiancé and I had recently that was on some of the same lines as the post you made. Do not get me wrong. I am grateful for the help I got and the lessons I learned. I am much more aware of my patterns and feelings than I have ever been and have grown so much due to my time in the fellowship. The biggest problem is that it’s like you are constantly picking a scab instead of just letting it heal. I feel like I have healed more since walking away cause I am not trapped in that box that people get stuck in while attending meetings.


“I’d rather have nothing than have a lie”
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