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Surrender to what is


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#1 ElPirana

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Posted 03 October 2019 - 07:46 PM

I feel sad. I want to cry.

I have seen that beacon of light in front of me, just glimpses, slivers of sight that have kept me moving forward.

As I pull myself back, watching each moment, I feel my own suffering, how can it be otherwise?

I feel a longing deep within myself as if I am on the bank of a river and can see tranquility and unity on the other side but I cannot find a raft to take me across.

I practice, I strive, I fight towards my desired destination but I can only arrive by surrendering.

How can I surrender while I push myself?

I must pull myself back, watching each moment until grace relieves my suffering.
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#2 ElPirana

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Posted 09 October 2019 - 06:39 PM

the Self-oblivious ego, even when once made aware of the Self, does not get Liberation...on account of the obstruction of accumulated mental tendencies. It frequently confuses the body with the Self, forgetting that it is itself in truth the Self. Long-cultivated tendencies can indeed be eradicated by long-continued meditation: ‘I am not the body, the senses, the mind, etc., I am the Self.’

- Ramana Maharshi


The sadness faded, as it always does, but this time I looked back to see who it was that felt sad. I could not find the “me” who was feeling it. This led me into several days of self inquiry in a deeper way than before. Little by little, I continue to uncover that there is no “me” behind my experiences, thoughts and beliefs.

I remember before all this searching, a thought used to come to me that I never really felt my age...or at least I never felt like what my age was supposed to feel like, whatever that is lol. I noticed my body aging, I had more memories and experiences, but that was sort of it. Now I’m realizing that the part of me that was aware all this time was the true me and it doesn’t age, it just continues being aware, ongoing, forever, no matter how many years this body has or how many memories I’ve accumulated. What a blessing!
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#3 Alder Logs

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Posted 09 October 2019 - 09:29 PM

 

What a blessing!

 

Mooji says, "'thank you' is the best mantra."

 

When my bullshit persona was shown up, there was nothing but gratitude.   I too recognized that the timeless ageless being that first opened eyes on this world in complete wonder had always been here, though long hidden in my story.  I think it's what Paul Hedderman calls, "never not here."


Edited by Alder Logs, 09 October 2019 - 09:36 PM.

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#4 ElPirana

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Posted 16 October 2019 - 03:50 PM

I used to wait for that “awakening” experience, something obvious and maybe supernatural! How funny!

Every day I find that I am more aware of my awareness. I notice things. They are the same things that happened before, but it’s as if I see them for the first time. Life continues, everything really is so ordinary, but it all feels so light. There is an okay-ness to everything, even what I used to dread. I notice the compulsions slowly fall away. I see changes happening that couldn’t have happened before? But who are they happening to? Hell, it’s not me!!! I meditated last night, nothing big happened, it doesn’t matter. Why bother meditating anyway? I’m already here. What is there to achieve? Whether something happens or not, it doesn’t change my nature. What was with all the fuss?

What a thrill this life is!
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#5 ElPirana

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Posted 21 October 2019 - 06:59 PM

Well, the next day after that last post, I felt like it didn’t go so well. My mind had so many thoughts it was exhausting. So the following day I thought, “What is this all about? I know this is just the mind and every time I inquire I am quickly led back to the same place.” So I figured that I am just not established in the Self. I started inquiring each time thoughts arose. It didn’t take long to recenter myself.

Since then it just seems quiet. I haven’t been having any insights. No bliss. But when I think of it I realize immediately that those are thoughts or feelings, they come and go. I check myself when I wake up...yep, the real me is still here, doesn’t even matter how tired this body is, my awareness still seems crystal clear when I look. After a few days I’ve realized the ‘quiet’ is simply an unchattering mind. Thoughts come up, but they vanish fairly quickly. If I close my eyes, there is a peaceful quiet, maybe some sounds that are heard, but the ceaseless thinking is mostly gone. I figured I’ll just go with this as it is, let myself rest.
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#6 ElPirana

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Posted 03 November 2019 - 10:04 PM

Why has the Self decided to wake up to itself in this body at this time? Why did this not happen to my brother? Or my sister? Their body/minds appear to continue to play out the way it has always, following so many stories and believing them to be so true. What have I done to deserve the blessing of waking up? I know more than anyone that I haven’t done anything to deserve it! Is there really anything that I did to wake? Hell, I’ve realized over and over that I am not really making any decisions. So all the times I meditated, what was going on? Was it only showing me that attempting to do something was really not getting me there? I went down that path and thought the only thing that really worked was self inquiry. But wait! Who decided to do self inquiry anyway? It all seems to lead back to the fact that I’m really not doing anything (not the real I), and this mind can’t comprehend that nothing is happening, but that’s what it is. What the fuck!? Hahahahaha oh my god, what is this?! What a paradox and what a fucking joke I’ve been playing on myself! This mind still wants to believe that it’s me doing all this. It doesn’t know what to do if it doesn’t do anything and it wants to hold on. It only now makes sense that I’m not doing anything. I’m going to keep watching what happens next....
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#7 Guy1298

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Posted 03 November 2019 - 10:20 PM

Thanks for sharing.  :biggrin:


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#8 Alder Logs

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Posted 04 November 2019 - 01:43 PM

Ha ha, and it's sometimes hard to explain simply breaking into laughter (or tears). 

 

When the Tao is revealed to the fool, he laughs,

and if he does not laugh,

it is not the Tao.

 

The understanding through experience of no doer... of this, what can be said? 

 

When then, the seeming watcher is replaced as the watching, what is the substance of this? 

 

"Nothing gets out those impossible stains!"

~Swami Beyondananda


Edited by Alder Logs, 04 November 2019 - 01:45 PM.

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#9 Alder Logs

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Posted 04 November 2019 - 01:54 PM

So all the times I meditated, what was going on?

 

I was not given the optimum body/mind/brain chemistry to be a meditator.  I made effort toward having a life of service of seva.   Being a doer, whatever the practice, of course, doesn't let Self be up front.  The ego traps of doing, whatever the doing, are part of whatever path.  In service, who is that who is always there, wanting credit for all the hard work?  Same with anything the identity identifies as.  But all that said, I love this quote:

 

"It is said that awakening is an accident, and that spiritual practice does not bring awakening, but that it can make you accident prone."


Edited by Alder Logs, 04 November 2019 - 01:54 PM.

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#10 ElPirana

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Posted 04 November 2019 - 05:42 PM

It’s still up and down, but little by little I’m easing into what is. At lunchtime today I went on a walk as I often do. This time, I felt more at ease than ever. There was no longer a reason to go on the walk, no goals. I enjoyed it so much! Watched and listened to the birds, felt the breeze, listening to the cars pass, seeing everything unfold in front of me. It was so effortless!
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#11 Alder Logs

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Posted 04 November 2019 - 09:32 PM

The first trap that arose for me was a tendency to identify with states of being, drawing in the judge of how I was doing, based on the quality of the current state.  I had begun watching Mooji and he really helped me see it all as, "clouds passing."  There had been a real danger of a new identity rising up to steal being and make it its story.   Mooji kept telling me (through addressing questioners in his videos) that it is all seen.  I came to love hindsight, for even if ego had taken me for some ride, and then wanted to whip me with guilt or the like, even though I'd just spent two or three days fucking up, as it were, the next moment when presence had taken over, all the self judgment was plainly seen.   The more resets the awareness of presence has, the more the dives into unreality become outed. 

 

I heard someone say this:

 

Happiness is peace in motion.

Peace is happiness at rest.


Edited by Alder Logs, 06 November 2019 - 10:52 PM.

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#12 ElPirana

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Posted 06 November 2019 - 01:12 PM

The first trap that arose for me was a tendency to identify with states of being, drawing in the judge of how I was doing, based on the quality of the current state.  I had begun watching Mooji and he really helped me see it all as, "clouds passing."  There had been a real danger of a new identity rising up to steal being and make it its story.   Mooji kept telling me (through addressing questioners in his videos) that it is all seen.  I came to love hindsight, for even if ego had taken for for some ride, and then wanted to whip me with guilt or the like, even though I'd just spent two or three days fucking up, as it were, the next moment when presence had taken over, all the self judgment was plainly seen.   The more resets the awareness of presence has, the more the dives into unreality become outed. 
 
I heard someone say this:
 

Happiness is peace in motion.

Peace is happiness at rest.

Alder, thank you for your comments! I’ve been valuing hindsight similarly. Also, my self inquiry is not so much in the form of a question using words anymore. I feel inwardly (as more of an action) what is being sensed and experienced. I do get off on tangents of thought and momentarily believing those thoughts, but then come to the realization of what it is. I like how Mooji reminds me how I can just look simply at what is it that has remained the same and unchanged. It helps to not get hung up on the experiences themselves.
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#13 ElPirana

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Posted 09 November 2019 - 11:26 AM

I was reading some essays by Bodhi Avasa and just realized something, I have been trying to recreate the experiences I’ve had before, or at least have had the idea in my mind of being the doer, an idea that is the ego. It must be very subtle though although I’m sure that it’s been this way. How quickly it goes back to that even if in a more disguised version. How quickly I go back to thinking that there is a me that can do something to achieve it.
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#14 ElPirana

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Posted 09 November 2019 - 01:42 PM

How many times will I go back to thinking that I have a problem, only to realize that the “I” that I think has the problem doesn’t exist? When will the mind’s ability to create an ego that is believed be destroyed?
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#15 Alder Logs

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Posted 09 November 2019 - 02:37 PM

How many times will I go back to thinking that I have a problem, only to realize that the “I” that I think has the problem doesn’t exist? When will the mind’s ability to create an ego that is believed be destroyed?

 

When the mind is seen as not the seer.  Then the seeing is standing alone, independent, and has no identifiable attributes.  Even if something proclaims it is the seeing itself, that is a trick, as even the proclamation will have to arise in the seeing.  Enjoy it all, and maybe even have a laugh over it. 


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#16 ElPirana

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Posted 09 November 2019 - 02:54 PM

How many times will I go back to thinking that I have a problem, only to realize that the “I” that I think has the problem doesn’t exist? When will the mind’s ability to create an ego that is believed be destroyed?

 
When the mind is seen as not the seer.  Then the seeing is standing alone, independent, and has no identifiable attributes.  Even if something proclaims it is the seeing itself, that is a trick, as even the proclamation will have to arise in the seeing.  Enjoy it all, and maybe even have a laugh over it.
Funny, I was just wondering to myself: what if my mind is creating the identity (or playing the game) of a person who has no identity lol. It led me back to the title of my thread, I can only surrender.
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#17 ElPirana

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Posted 22 November 2019 - 01:34 PM

The stillness and the silence are a masterpiece waiting to happen. Open your eyes and you will find the most detailed and rich picture painted right in front of you. Close your eyes and the sounds create a world of its own.
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#18 ElPirana

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Posted 24 November 2019 - 12:22 PM

So I know that I am not established in the Self. I can tell that there are still beliefs, mainly that I am someone. There are times that it is clear that seeing is happening and that is all there is, then there is the rest of the time that it feels as if I (the personal me) is doing the actions.

What is happening when a guru or a teacher is directing us to do an action? Ramana says to do self inquiry, to constantly ask “Who am I?” But Ramana the guru must know that he is the Self only, there is no personal “him” doing anything, there is doing but no doer and seeing but no seer. When he gives the instruction to do self inquiry, he clearly knows that I (the student) am also not a doer. So the doing of no-one is giving an instruction to another no-one (to him/it self really) and this somehow brings me to see clearly that I am no-one. God (in one form) is instructing God (in another form) to remove its own ignorance so it can see clearly. lol

What is happening during awakening? It seems that becoming frustrated is part of the process. My mind is not satisfied. I can’t stop myself from becoming dissatisfied. I can’t do anything to get rid of the dissatisfaction, there is no me to do the action of getting rid of anything. Even knowing that, I continue doing, or feel as if I’m doing, and keep growing more frustrated. And moments of seeing clearly keep happening. It slowly changes the viewpoint on its own. Little by little the beliefs are chipped away. There is no me chipping away at the beliefs, it is happening on its own. And in the end it will all happen in its own time, after all if there really was a me doing this, I would have just finished this already.
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#19 Alder Logs

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Posted 24 November 2019 - 01:26 PM

I have tried to tell anyone I could, do not identify with any states of being.  Let the clouds pass by, as they all must.  The Self is the constant which will not abandon itself.  All the states, the glorious and the mundane, they're here for us, not as us.  That doer will be outed to the point where its unreality becomes blatant.  It has no chance, up against love as the totality of what is.   Keep enjoying the ride.   Resistance is futile. :-)


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#20 ethnobotanist420

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Posted 27 November 2019 - 01:09 AM

I have tried to tell anyone I could, do not identify with any states of being. Let the clouds pass by, as they all must. The Self is the constant which will not abandon itself. All the states, the glorious and the mundane, they're here for us, not as us. That doer will be outed to the point where its unreality becomes blatant. It has no chance, up against love as the totality of what is. Keep enjoying the ride. Resistance is futile. :-)



This is the only thing that has ever worked for my anxiety. Acknowledge, don’t judge, just watch. Watch the storm come and watch it pass but do not try to demand it pass faster or question why it is storming at all.

Thanks Alder I needed that reminder.
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