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Surrender to what is


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#1 ElPirana

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Posted 03 October 2019 - 07:46 PM

I feel sad. I want to cry.

I have seen that beacon of light in front of me, just glimpses, slivers of sight that have kept me moving forward.

As I pull myself back, watching each moment, I feel my own suffering, how can it be otherwise?

I feel a longing deep within myself as if I am on the bank of a river and can see tranquility and unity on the other side but I cannot find a raft to take me across.

I practice, I strive, I fight towards my desired destination but I can only arrive by surrendering.

How can I surrender while I push myself?

I must pull myself back, watching each moment until grace relieves my suffering.
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#2 ElPirana

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Posted 09 October 2019 - 06:39 PM

the Self-oblivious ego, even when once made aware of the Self, does not get Liberation...on account of the obstruction of accumulated mental tendencies. It frequently confuses the body with the Self, forgetting that it is itself in truth the Self. Long-cultivated tendencies can indeed be eradicated by long-continued meditation: ‘I am not the body, the senses, the mind, etc., I am the Self.’

- Ramana Maharshi


The sadness faded, as it always does, but this time I looked back to see who it was that felt sad. I could not find the “me” who was feeling it. This led me into several days of self inquiry in a deeper way than before. Little by little, I continue to uncover that there is no “me” behind my experiences, thoughts and beliefs.

I remember before all this searching, a thought used to come to me that I never really felt my age...or at least I never felt like what my age was supposed to feel like, whatever that is lol. I noticed my body aging, I had more memories and experiences, but that was sort of it. Now I’m realizing that the part of me that was aware all this time was the true me and it doesn’t age, it just continues being aware, ongoing, forever, no matter how many years this body has or how many memories I’ve accumulated. What a blessing!
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#3 Alder Logs

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Posted 09 October 2019 - 09:29 PM

 

What a blessing!

 

Mooji says, "'thank you' is the best mantra."

 

When my bullshit persona was shown up, there was nothing but gratitude.   I too recognized that the timeless ageless being that first opened eyes on this world in complete wonder had always been here, though long hidden in my story.  I think it's what Paul Hedderman calls, "never not here."


Edited by Alder Logs, 09 October 2019 - 09:36 PM.

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#4 ElPirana

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Posted 16 October 2019 - 03:50 PM

I used to wait for that “awakening” experience, something obvious and maybe supernatural! How funny!

Every day I find that I am more aware of my awareness. I notice things. They are the same things that happened before, but it’s as if I see them for the first time. Life continues, everything really is so ordinary, but it all feels so light. There is an okay-ness to everything, even what I used to dread. I notice the compulsions slowly fall away. I see changes happening that couldn’t have happened before? But who are they happening to? Hell, it’s not me!!! I meditated last night, nothing big happened, it doesn’t matter. Why bother meditating anyway? I’m already here. What is there to achieve? Whether something happens or not, it doesn’t change my nature. What was with all the fuss?

What a thrill this life is!
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