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I'm tired of lying to myself


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#1 Nibano

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Posted 11 December 2019 - 05:45 PM

It's comfortable, isn't it?

 

Twisting your perception to believe that there is someone else to blame for all your flaws. No need to take responsibility for anything.

 

And yet, I'm tired of it.

 

No more will I see it like there are some sort of entities protecting the "treasures" I need to get to work through my flaws. No more will I see it like there is something that I have to defeat to work with myself.

 

It. Is. Exhausting.

 

After all, It's all about me.

 

I am the one who need to improve. I am the one with the flaws. I am the one who need to work with myself. There is no entity guarding a key to my self-improvement.

 

I have to stop lying to myself. The flaws are mine to improve.

 

When I have seen my trips as a way for me to defeat a guardian of my self-improvement, I have put all the blame on some imaginary being that my mind created.

 

I have considered myself the flawless hero, who needs to defeat the enemies to get to the goal.

 

I will now end this exhausting battle. If there will ever be a battle, it will be against my ego. It's time for me to stop this denial and take responsibility.

 

I will now take a stand. I will take responsibility for my flaws and work through them. This is a promise.

 


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#2 crazy1

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Posted 11 December 2019 - 06:08 PM

I appreciate you and what you just wrote. Thank you.

 

 

Be true to yourself, that used to be the motto here, before Hip's exit. Bless Him

 

My friend, learn how to meditate. Trust me on this one.

 

Peace and blessings, may your inner search for inner peace be a prosperous journey


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#3 Thacan

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Posted 11 December 2019 - 10:53 PM

I got a tears from your post, that was powerful and beautiful.  I have learned that some of my thoughts and mannerisms are learned/trained, I mean like my parents, teachers, coaches, bosses, etc.  In my life, I’ve seen a lot of these authority figures blame others for problems and sometimes that’s me.  So I was trained to blame mostly myself and/or others.  But what really matters is that we forgive ourselves as well as others.  Enjoy your life, love yourself.  I was talking to a homeless man the other day and said that I felt sorry for the homeless and he set me straight: ‘don’t feel sorry for us’ and from him in that moment I learned a powerful lesson, we can be happy with life regardless of our situation.  Peace, be well and take care.


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#4 August West

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Posted 12 December 2019 - 12:14 AM

Be true to yourself, that used to be the motto here, before Hip's exit.

Not to be a pedantic a-hole but...I kinda am...

wasn't it, "Know Thyself". Hip would've gotten it from the belief that it was inscribed at the Temple of Apollo in Greece and connected both to the Oracle at Delphi and, I believe, the Eleusinian Mysteries. Ascribed to Socrates perhaps?

#5 Alder Logs

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Posted 12 December 2019 - 12:48 AM

I like this I Ching hexagram:

 

======================================================

 

 

gallery_131808_1351_4545.gif

 

Hexagram 43 of the Wilhelm / Baynes, I CHING,

or BOOK OF CHANGES*

Kuai / Break-through (Resoluteness)

 

 

 

TUI -- The JOYOUS, LAKE is above
CH'IEN -- The CREATIVE, HEAVEN is below

 

This hexagram signifies on the one hand a break-through after a long accumulation of tension, as a swollen river breaks through its dikes, or in the manner of a cloudburst. On the other hand, applied to human conditions, it refers to the time when inferior people gradually begin to disappear. Their influence is on the wain; as a result of resolute action, a change in conditions occurs, a break-through. The hexagram is related to the third month [April-May].

 

THE JUDGMENT

Break-through.
One must resolutely make the matter known
At the court of the king.
It must be announced truthfully. Danger.
It is necessary to notify one's own city.
It does not further to resort to arms.
It furthers one to undertake something.

 

Even if only one inferior man is occupying a ruling position in a city, he is able to oppress superior men. Even a single passion still lurking in the heart has power to obscure reason. Passion and reason cannot exist side by side -- therefore fight without quarter is necessary if the good is to prevail.

 

In a resolute struggle of the good against evil, there are, however, definite rules that must not be disregarded, if it is to succeed. First, resolution must be based on a union of strength and friendliness. Second, a compromise with evil is not possible; evil must under all circumstances be openly discredited. Nor must our own passions and shortcomings be glossed over. Third, the struggle must not be carried on by force. If evil is branded, it thinks of weapons, and if we do it the favor of fighting against it blow for blow, we lose in the end because thus we ourselves get entangled in hatred and passion. Therefore it is important to begin at home, to be on guard in our own persons against the faults we have branded. In this way, finding no opponent, the sharp edges of the weapons of evil become dulled. For the same reasons we should not combat our own faults directly. As long as we wrestle with them, they continue victorious. Finally, the best way to fight evil is to make energetic progress in the good.

 

THE IMAGE

The lake has risen up through heaven:
The image of BREAK-THROUGH.
Thus the superior man
Dispenses riches downward
And refrains from resting on his virtue.

 

When the water of a lake has risen up to heaven, there is reason to fear a cloudburst. Taking this as a warning, the superior man forestalls a violent collapse. If a man were to pile up riches for himself alone, without considering others, he would certainly experience a collapse. For all gathering is followed by dispersion. Therefore the superior man begins to distribute while he is accumulating. In the same way, in developing character he takes care not to become hardened in obstinacy but to remain receptive to impressions by help of strict and continuous self-examination.

 

 

======================================================


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#6 RutgerHauer

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Posted 12 December 2019 - 03:14 AM

I get where you are at man. Just the other day I made a post about it somewhere on here to share my story, so I will make it less about the personal details this time.

 

It is strong of you to admit this, especially to yourself. That is hard! I have been fooling myself with this perception for roughly 15 years, half of my life. I have recently drawn the same conclusion, that I have been struggling with a ghost, putting blame on others and the past. I have subconsciously always known that I was doing this, hated myself for it and this made things worse - and have also subconsciously known that there is no real battle here, but kept on going anyway.

 

I am alright, nothing to really fix - and so are you. No need to struggle to change yourself either! I find that as long as I see what behaviours do not help me and realize what things I can do in stead that help me - I have the experience that my struggle has reshaped itself into a dance. I try and be practical about things, since a lot of my bad influences arose from thinking that gravitated towards the negative - this made me forget about the practical side of life, health and wellbeing. I sought out habits and environments that enforced that negative mindstate. No longer I need to be hard on myself, and others.

 

I wish you the best.


Edited by RutgerHauer, 12 December 2019 - 03:17 AM.

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#7 PJammer24

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Posted 12 December 2019 - 09:54 AM

I said something along these lines on another post but its my story and it relates to what you have said...

 

Life is much easier for me and success comes much more often when I am "being true to myself" as was stated above. I now try to do the right thing in all of my endeavers and that "right thing" is determined based on who I am at my core and not on what others expect of me... It has made my life much smoother and less anxiety filled. The hardest part, is reaching a point where you know who you are on a basic level... Until you build that solid footing, it is difficult to know what the right thing to do is...


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#8 Oneyedraven

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Posted 12 December 2019 - 10:15 AM

Nibano

I have been on a similar journey myself and have come to believe that it’s not beating or battling the ego but giving the ego what it needed from the beginning. Mainly that of being loved and valued for just being. Our Memories are the programming that our ego uses to proceed through life, but they are your memories and yours alone.
Change the perception of self in the memories to positive and the ego is satisfied. No more ego beast to battle or defeat. Of course easier said than done-meditation, therapy (using a newer technique - brain spotting) holotropic breathing and last but not least our mushroom friends have been invaluable in the process.

As they say seek and you will find.

May you find the growth and peace you seek my friend.
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#9 flashingrooster

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Posted 12 December 2019 - 05:27 PM

They are very simple but important words to tell yourself.

 

I am okay, I can get to where I want to be. 

 

And if I don't so what, do I cease to exist? 

 

What is life but a shipwreck of our dreams


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#10 Nibano

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Posted 13 December 2019 - 08:31 AM

Thank you for the compliments and for sharing your own experiences everyone. This is just something I finally decided after my last psychedelic journey with the mushrooms, and I wanted to share it here. I'm glad you enjoyed reading it.

 

I might actually write a trip report about that some day, it was a pretty intense and eventful one.


Edited by Nibano, 13 December 2019 - 08:45 AM.

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#11 Nibano

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Posted 13 December 2019 - 01:15 PM

I was talking to a homeless man the other day and said that I felt sorry for the homeless and he set me straight: ‘don’t feel sorry for us’ and from him in that moment I learned a powerful lesson

I can relate... somewhat.

 

The most powerful experienced in my life was when I worked at a homeless shelter for a couple of days (just because I wanted to, BTW).

 

There was this boy, he was 12 years maximum. I had heard about him before from the other ones working there, he was apparently the one with the most horrible past of everyone there. Apparently, when he was really young, both his parents were alcoholics and didn't care about him. Both of his parents beat him, and his father was a pedophile, raping him several times during his childhood. I mean, it was like the most terrible thing I have heard of in my entire life.

 

When I saw him, I said "I'm sorry about what you are going through". He answered "I'm fine, as long as people like you exist. Thank you.", and smiled.

 

The only thing I did was working there for a few days, serving food and talking to the homeless people. Hearing that made me feel bad about myself and good about myself at the same time. I mean, why was he thanking me? It's horrible that HE felt the need to thank ME. And at the same time, I was so happy that I was able to help, at least by giving free food.

 

 

I did check on that kid later, by the way, because what he said really touched me. He got adopted, luckily. Now he lives with two loving parents that seem to take good care of him. I visited once, but I don't have any contact with any of them, but I am so happy that he got a good life.

 

...Maybe I'm rambling again, sorry. Is this related to your situation?


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#12 Alder Logs

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Posted 13 December 2019 - 01:38 PM

I had a relatively easy life, though I was nearly broke for most of it.  I always had a car and a place to live, and never even have had to pay real rent in my life, more than a rare night in a motel room.  It wasn't until I was 67 that a small personal crisis put me in a position to see my story of me for what it was, and that, from an impersonal perspective.  It (the small personal crisis) was, it seems, the bad thing that made the good to be revealed as the primal state of being.  Does this make any sense?  I would love it if everyone were to see this.


Edited by Alder Logs, 13 December 2019 - 01:40 PM.

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#13 Nibano

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Posted 13 December 2019 - 01:54 PM

I had a relatively easy life, though I was nearly broke for most of it.  I always had a car and a place to live, and never even have had to pay real rent in my life, more than a rare night in a motel room.  It wasn't until I was 67 that a small personal crisis put me in a position to see my story of me for what it was, and that, from an impersonal perspective.  It (the small personal crisis) was, it seems, the bad thing that made the good to be revealed as the primal state of being.  Does this make any sense?  I would love it if everyone were to see this.

Same, my life hasn't been a hard one really so far.

 

However, do NOT get me wrong about the story I wrote. That was before I had started using mushrooms. I was, to be honest, an egoistic dick back then. Do not give me credit for this. I worked there for a couple of days just because I wanted to feel better about myself for all my shittyness. I was not even close to the person I am now.

 

However, that story is one of the reasons I started to use mushrooms and wanted to improve myself. I figured that when people who had a tough childhood were nice, and I, who had a good and easy childhood was a dick, what was wrong with the way I acted and saw myself?

 

I wanted to be a better person. And when I first tried mushrooms, I realized that they could help me.
 

It was not the only reason I started to use mushrooms for self improvement, but it was a big one.


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#14 Guy1298

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Posted 13 December 2019 - 06:23 PM

I come from a family that's pretty dysfunctional, I'd say. 

 

But, I've had an easy life.


Edited by Guy1298, 13 December 2019 - 09:11 PM.


#15 Alder Logs

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Posted 13 December 2019 - 10:15 PM

I guess I was only thinking of my adult life.  Childhood would be another thing, seen in terms of society.  There was the broken home at eleven, learning disordered kid flunking everything, ADHD, dyslexic, small body, big mouth, bully bait all through school, outcast, and an alcoholic belt wielding father.  But now, even all of that is felt to have been blessings. 

 

We are not our stories.  Our stories are lying to ourselves at best.  As long as we identify as a story, we will be working hard to make the story change into something else, a better story.  Because, if and when we might convince ourselves that we have greatly improved our story, we will still know that something isn't quite...  true.   In truth, I am nothing. 

 

When I first saw this truth, I didn't fully know what to make of it.  This Jamaican dude helped me to not make something of it.  :-)

 

 

gallery_131808_1351_10852.jpg


Edited by Alder Logs, 13 December 2019 - 10:22 PM.

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#16 flashingrooster

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Posted 14 December 2019 - 05:49 AM

Trying to keep perspective is something, an ever changing thing. Constantly shifting as the sun and moon do

 

I agree with Alder our stories should not define us. 

 

We should not be afraid of them, in a perfect world we can draw strength from them


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#17 Oneyedraven

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Posted 14 December 2019 - 09:36 AM

This popped up on my YT yesterday ... Google/YT algorithm can be a bit scary in its accuracy for fitting the bill.. but i do believe this fits perfectly in our discussion here... thanks  to the programmers of the YT algorithm for sending me  -The man in the glass   

 

 

 

 

 

[Direct Link]


Edited by Oneyedraven, 14 December 2019 - 09:36 AM.

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#18 Alder Logs

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Posted 14 December 2019 - 12:04 PM

 

-The man in the glass 

 

...and don't think those photons are anything but a story of forms, also just passing by.

 

 

[Direct Link]






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