No meds were ever prescribed to me. I say maybe it's an ADD thing, but no psych has ever told me that there was anything wrong with me like that.. But now I think about it I think you are right: I was on many other stimulants!
This is some insight I have never had before in it's complexity. It connects to some other posts I made here, and I really don't mean to take over the thread but I think I can explain and then I can finally shut up about it.
It's gonna sound like a mess, it was in real life even more messy and I probably left things out..
It was 8 years or 9 years ago, I was messing myself up from all sides around that time: no sleep, periods of eating too little, working too hard, periods of overeating, not working, spending money I didn't have, drinking heavily, messing up my education, debts, smoking (weed) heavily.. I was an unhealthy person on every level and had to sedate myself a lot because of course I wasn't happy. They would have called me depressed at some point in this story.
Another major theme was that I kept myself awake through anything I could get my hands on that could give me some stimulation. I did this through smoking weed, drinking coffee, movies, series, porn, masturbation, music - maybe I WAS ON A STIMULANT to cope - and trained myself to get better and better at getting through that miserable state of exhaustion and sedation by also providing myself with external stimulation.
I had just made myself insensitive to any kind of stimulant which made the ecstasy not work for me.
On E I sensed the chewing effect, I get how that feels (and sometimes I feel that in ordinary, sober life, especially when I am tired, like right now) but it stayed minimal and did't need to express it like most people seem to be doing it uncontrollably. I seem to be able to relax with it all, have no choice because like I said before I felt like being sedated, that goes for my whole body and attitude; where others feel like dancing or moving their legs while sitting in an active position, I would rather stand or sit still, relaxed, or better yet lay down and close my eyes. I felt kind of normal most of the time, but more relaxed.
Where others have eyes wide open, mine are the opposite like you would expect from somebody who has smoked weed, relaxed. Where others become talkative, feel like touching, hugging, kissing, sex - I become more introspective, observant and don't feel like touching or being touched, talking, sex,or anything like that in particular. That is mostly just my character.
That was about 7 years ago and I think the insensitivity to the stimulants I created myself, made me feel more normal than anything out of the ordinary on ecstasy and I think that makes sense. This was also the case with my first LSD experience. Just more normal, nothing spectacular.
After that experimentation with sometimes taking E and LSD (acid broke through many of my stuckness, so to say, but this wasn't helpful or giving me any direction) I abused E once real bad, had a period when I would snort Ritalin while smoking lots of weed, had an occasion where I took a huge amount of DOC, which confused me so much that it made me struggle with alcohol again. I did however stop using stimulants pretty much after that, and later layed off the alcohol again and got back to just smoking weed. Which I had also quit after that for a while until I returned.
I have been off drug-stimulants for 5 or 6 years and in those past few years I got to, and quit drinking and smoking weed in phases while still maintaining most of the habits that were also stimulating me before and causing me trouble. Overall things gradually got less mixed up and I was able to put aside my habits more easily over the past two years, but never all of them I needed to.
They had always been the only habits I knew and in the past two or three years my search for new habits began:
Diet, spirituality, got into growing shrooms, got back into drawing, got into being more physically active, but once in a while I would get drawn back, especially to the weed and eventually the alcohol and let go of my new habits more and more over the past year.
Only recently I have again been able to completely sober up and pick up my newfound habits - no alcohol and weed. Funny enough, it makes me feel like I am on a stimulant most of the time. That's probably the effect of that messed up history of overstimulation now restoring itself, getting more sensitive to it all. It also gives that sedative effect I described of ecstasy, I am more relaxed.
The difference now is that I am recognizing all the old habits that had stuck with me all these years and am doing something about it by choosing the better ones I have developed over the past years.
Giving myself a challenge and something interesting like growing mushrooms is a major help.
It's weird that a discussion about how ecstasy has effected me can bring this kind of thing into perspective. Just had to type it all out to make sense of it and I hope you don't mind, ElrikEriksson - or any other members who might be reading this.
And PJammer, while I was first a bit annoyed I felt like I needed to explain to you that it was normal for me to react differently to something like ecstasy, I thank you for making me think about this, it helped. And you were right, you hit the nail on the head.
Now I will shut up about all of this.
Let us grow mushrooms
Edited by RutgerHauer, 16 December 2019 - 06:33 PM.