Hey you amazing people,
I am in a melancholic mood, I want to share something and hope you might be able to give some insight, share some of your own experiences about these things.
I wanted to open a discussion about these topics since I have been struggling with it a lot these past ten years.
I grew up in a family of people who mostly worked to survive - doing simple jobs in factories, being builders, supermarket clerks, cleaners and all such regular jobs. In mijn early teens I noticed I was a bit smarter than most of my family, because of changes in my family - a step dad got into the picture. This new situation distantiated me more and more from my past and extended family, not at all by my own choice, there was some indoctrination going on. I had been pushed to chase after an intellectual career (preferably a doctor of some sorts) at that time in life by the pushy and abusive step dad when I was eleven or twelve years old because he saw my potential to become really anything. I had never before thought this to be a priority having only seen my family as 'laborers' - but I have never really had any ambitions to become anything specific anyway, I have never really developed a vision or ambition for life. Only thing I knew I loved to do was being creative and sports: drawing and basketball.
This push got me into the highest school levels from the age of twelve and I was pretty good. Without much effort I managed to get good grades and I was fairly interested in the natural and scientific classes like biology and physics.
From the age of thirteen I got relocated physically pretty far away from my family because the step dad situation had gotten out of hand. We (mother and brother) found a new home in another part of the country and we had to adapt to a new culture. I focussed on performing at school, pushed myself to continue on those highest levels for a few years, until I went back into exploring my creative side. I dabbled in drawing and photoshop, webdesign, photography and later on taught myself to produce music on my computer.. I have learnt quite a few skills this way, but it had also become an escape from responsibility and getting a grip on my new life. I had a small handful of friends at school that supported and motivated me to go this creative route and we could share some of those things.
We also shared drinking from the age of fifteen/sixteen and not much later smoking weed. This became something that went hand in hand with my creative escapades, and made me retreat into all that even more. Some friends I gradually lost and I lost my interest to get new ones. A few stuck around, even though they had soon continued their life without the escapades into drinking and smoking weed like I did. At seventeen/eighteen I didn't want to perform at school anymore and my grades dropped, I saw no reason to stay on the highest level and took a step back so I could finish this shit without any trouble and effort. I didn't want to go to university anyway, I got the idea I might want to do a creative studies like art or music.
My friends went to university, I was unsure what to do so I got into a cleaning job. Not very challenging but it was something to do and a way to pay for my weekend beer and weed. I never really kept any job very long and soon I found myself working as a garbage man, clerk in stores at train stations - and eventually applied to attend music production studies.
This music and arts thing even while choosing to study, had just become a bigger distraction and escape. I really wasn't interested in studying and only produced music in my own way and at my own time, I felt like I was beyond my classmates anyway and the classes were not challenging or interesting enough for what I wanted to do. At that time I began to realize I didn't want to make that into a career anyway and that made it all the more uncomfortable to yet again be in a place where I don't fit in - in between people who were motivated and were taking responsibility by making this into their career - and were socializing and making friends because of it.
Because I lived with a lot of disfunctional and creative roommates my drinking and smoking got out of hand really quick, also there was a death in the family that really messed me up. I got depressed by my situation and I didn't even feel like going to classes anymore, and preferred weed, bottles of wine and producing music in my room over paying bills and taking responsibility. Eventually I had to quit those studies and move back into my mom's house because of the debts I had created and had to go back to uninteresting jobs in warehouses, again cleaning jobs and more nonsense. It all felt useless, my habits didn't change and my debts got bigger anyway. And my old friends now lived far away and I did not know how to make new ones because I didn't run into people who interested me.
I continued this cycle for quite some years. Eventually moved back to the city my only few friends lived, tried getting back to that music study and dropped out again - twice -, got some aweful jobs and tried to get clean several times.
In the past years I have been making some progress with my habits and debts. I am debt-free at the moment because someone has taken over my financial responsibilities these past years. I have had some long periods where I lived on welfare and without a job, trying to get sober and back to work. I have tried different things in warehouses and such nonsense because that is the only thing on my resume that allows me to get hired anywhere - but I always was miserable at those places because I have a high IQ and am not appreciated for the work I can do - and working my ass off killed me - and am generally out of place there bacause I lack connection with collegues, and mostly - I miss other things in life like close friends, family and perhaps a girlfriend. I cannot find those things at those places, at work. Eventually at those places I got so miserable that I always got back into drinking and smoking, and escaping into my music, which eventually cost me my jobs.
Now I am back at the situation without a job. I left there, because I noticed it was going down hill again, before it would escalate - now again sober, without real friends and family nearby - but this time I at least have a place to my own to live in. This makes being and staying sober easier. Now I realize this isn't everything. I miss people around me, but I have no place to go to get to know someone. I have been thinking that it is important for me to get back to work simply because I need to do something, but looking for one makes me feel sad and depressed.
I have the idea my only options are to get back into simple jobs that require no training, give me no challenge, will kill me physically and give me no free time or money to show for it - and that thought alone makes me want to give up, get drinking, smoking and overeating again - that is the only way I would know how to deal with that situation.. But I don't want that.
I feel like I need to get onto a new path now, but I don't know where to go. Like I said I feel my passions, creating music and art, have always been a distraction so for that reason I don't want to get into that as a career (and I have put that aside for at least a year now) - also I have no network to get something like that off the ground at the moment. I am happy with the thought to keep these things around as a hobby for now.
What is one to do, one without ambition other than to have some nice people around and some free time on their hands to practice their passions? I feel like I should have gone to university because I could have easily study biology and end up at an interesting and scientific job, but that ship has sailed I am afraid.
The few things I can think of is to find a job that has something to do with growing mushrooms or maybe even get into something like a butcher job - I love meat and mushrooms. Unfortunately there aren't a lot of options for that where I am at right now, I have tried and there is no room anywhere to take on an apprentice.
It is clear I am having trouble defining what purpose and meaning my job needs, and how much value I have to assign to my future job. I think it is important to be somewhere where there are some people I can live with comfortably, who are motivated and can teach me some interesting stuff, share some interests and all that noise - but again that might be an unrealistic and romantic idea.
The fact is that I am isolated, and need someway back into the social side of life - work could be a way, but I find it hard to imagine where and how.
Have you found a place to work where you feel you are appreciated for your abilities and do you find value in your job when it comes to your collegues and the actual work? And if not, where do you find those things in life and what is the function of your job for you personally?
Edited by RutgerHauer, 10 January 2020 - 02:24 PM.