65 replies to this topic

[Alder Logs]

In my opinion, the experiences aren't that important. They're forgotten too quickly.

Anyway, they are never remembered as they were, as the experience.  They are remembered as an experience of remembering.  It's one thing to do, I suppose.  The choices are infinite.  Best to not think about that, eh? 

[Guy1298]

That last remark reminded me of something I noticed about a week or so ago. I was thinking about the people living in this home with me. I noticed that there was a sense of them being in the home then. They were there, surely. And they might have had this or that condition surrounding them. Then, I noticed I was only seeing an idea. The idea is reasonable... to an extent it's trustworthy. But, it's also the vehicle for creating what isn't there. What I basically trust is the foundation of complex deception. 

Edited by Guy1298, 08 June 2020 - 09:31 AM.

[Alder Logs]

Ha ha, I just wrote this on another forum:

 

If, as I postulate, nothing is as we think, then thinking differently about it won’t be it either.

 

[Guy1298]

Tripped again... 

 

I think I love the high and the insight too much, that's probably why I keep it up. Nothing beats looking out at a rocky river landscape and thinking "I'm really fuckin' happy." But, I was thinking today since I did it in a slightly bad mood, maybe I should think of it differently. Mushrooms keep me aware of myself. 

 

I'll tell you why. Since I came into it in a bad mood, on account of the week earlier, the peak turned a bit ugly. It's sort of like a deformed part of myself came to the surface. I felt wrong... I've felt it before. I didn't expect the easy bliss of yester-weekend. This is what I remember from the old days, going out to the woods to trip and having everything turn dark, fear... fear... fear... My earliest trips were reckless, just getting my feet wet, and totally unprepared for what mushrooms are really about (as if I know! I don't.). Back then, it really felt dark, like a murderer had possessed my mind. 

Nowadays, fortunately, I understand that mushrooms can open the doors to heaven and hell. And I'm quite confident that it's all in our best interest. 

 

So, at the peak, there's a group that comes by behind my little hiding spot. They must have been smoking some weed. Lots of coughing. But, I'm super sensitive at this point. Time-dilation is in effect. The coughing seemed like it wasn't ending and I couldn't let myself relax. I felt that deformed part of myself there too... somewhat angry... somewhat insecure... very sensitive. I tuned it out with music... I'm just trying to express how I was a bit off, not really able to handle other human presences. 

Then, I close my eyes, when they're closed I see a man who must have drank Ayahuasca, sitting in a chair. He's moving all over the place, freaking out, grabbing his hand, bashing things around him... I don't know why I saw this. Then, I looked towards the light underneath my eyelids, there was a feminine presence, like a goddess. I felt in her embrace, looking at a god-like. It was blissful and sexual. Then, I turned my head down, pitch-black rushed in. Then, the voice in my head started calling on what's wrong, trying to peer into what's wrong with me. It felt determined. I was looking into darkness to find the worst part of myself. Then, I seemed to be seeing disfigured bloody flesh writhing in the darkness which also appeared to have a personal presence... maybe even a face. A little while looking at this and I opened my eyes. 

I'm grateful for the experience. Out of direct experiential context it's hard to show why this was important to me. But it was. 

 

After it, I'm thinking I'm going to continue to trip rain or shine... within professional and social reason. It provides awareness to the limitless personal blindspots. It produces positive pressure to change. It shows me again and again that I am crazy... my personal world is imagined and full of inconsistencies... judgements, wrong imaginations. 

 

It occurred to me while walking later that humans have created their world. The world in news that we hold as common knowledge, so on, etc. We trust it. The idea of it. But, really our world is very direct, very now, very alone. Just a thought. 

Edited by Guy1298, 13 June 2020 - 10:03 PM.

[flashingrooster]

Reads like you have a good frame of mind guy, your fear of the "fear" has lessened.So far it was my favorite time with me girl mushy

 

 just keep sharing that love no matter what

Edited by flashingrooster, 20 June 2020 - 03:25 AM.

[Guy1298]

I was thinking the title of this thread should have been "My experiences" not "Experiences," but that's all right. 

 

I increased the dose just a smidge today. This is still a low dose. But that smidge made a big difference. I'll tell you what happened, the important parts. Somehow I ended up at a totally isolated area off the trail. I didn't plan it. I came out of an area and found myself at the beginning of a small rocky peninsula. Immediately, I looked out at the trees, they were reaching out, spiraling, rotating, then I sat down, having this feeling of knowing the divine. I sat there and I, as if in a conversation with that great spirit, without really conversing at all, seemed to know that this life is a dream. Intense feeling welled up, as I started to feel that this life is really a terrible dream. 

 

Soon after, I follow a path upward on green-covered rocks. I sit down. This is the probably the peak. I don't remember the thoughts specifically. I reach down to tie my shoe. Then, reaching down, I feel as though I've reached down to tie shoes before. It feels that I've tied shoes for all time. I know that my life now is just the tip of eternity. I have tied shoes for eternity. I will tie more shoes. I tie your shoe. It was like looking through my life as if it was glass. The absurdity was overbearing, but relieving. 

Later, I came back down the rocks and found a place to sit. This was a bit odd. I started to think and express things, very intensely, with little control. I remember speaking at my father with so much anger, telling him "Fuck you," in various ways. After that, I noticed how dreamy it was, it wasn't my doing. It seemed to happen, but it wasn't me that did it. I looked back at the trees and they were spiraling and reaching out. In a moment, it was communicated that it was that divine presence that caused me to do and think those things. It was like the trees were winking at me, and I understood. 

 

Anyway, those are the important parts. The rest of the day had a negative sway... very very negative. I recall thinking about escaping into the wilderness to die... I felt the relief in that. Later, I found myself considering how owned and overpopulated things are. I thought about how, if we weren't afraid of death, if we weren't born as children, if we were allowed to survey this world before being born into it, we would certainly choose not. Haha. Then, I imagined a person born, then immediately dying, a skeleton sitting at a tree. He died without playing along, yet nothing was lost. I was relieved to know it.  

 

I'll say that the beginning of this trip was marked by reflections of impermanence and death. It might have played into how it turned out. Overall, a really amazing experience. Loved it, even with all the negative feelings... they seemed to wear off as the day went on, which I knew would happen. How long can I go on thinking that I'm through... I'm gonna kill myself? Not very long. :).

 

I'm also quite happy that mushrooms are starting to produce open-eyed visuals at low doses. It's promising. Promising for what? I don't know. I suppose I like mushrooms and want to continue using them, continue knowing what they let me know, feel, so on. Psychedelics keep me interested in life... they provide what cannot be found elsewhere and satisfy a transcendent yearning, temporarily at least.  

Edited by Guy1298, 04 July 2020 - 09:13 PM.