Been trying to talk the wife into a strong acid trip for a year or more. Somehow there is always something keeping it from happening. Recently we decided to go with mushies, as it takes less of an investment of time and self and usually comes with a lot of positive reinforcement as a side effect.
Needless to say, it was not a good experience nor did I get the positive reinforcement. I got beat up something fierce for the way I have responded to this entire farce of a year. I came out of it hating myself and hating the changes I need to make in order to make these lifestyle changes work. I came to the very deep realization that me getting near drunk during the week and drunk drunk on the weekends is NOT helping my life nor my mindset. I came to the deep realization that this comes down to not being happy with myself, my life, and everything involved in it all and craving self destruction that I have no right to delve into.
No matter how hard I tried, I could NOT lose myself in music, despite my wife trying all night long to pull me out of it. I smiled and tried to sluff it off as momentary, but it was not. I tried to soldier on, smiling with tears running down my cheeks as I was torn apart inside. It was deep realization, as always comes with mushroom experiences. I also did not do enough to lose myself and my heavy and ponderous mindset, but instead added to it with a never ending series of images of my future ending badly if I continue down the road I have been on for a good 3-7 years.
It is very hard to realize that you are 55 years old, and still yearning for a 21 year old lifestyle that does not exist in this world anymore. It is very hard to realize that nobody cares how that feels and nobody condones or cares to join in it either. It is very hard to realize that the person who you have expected to be there until you die just might not be. It is very hard to let them go for months at a time to let them take care of their own incredibly difficult life challenges with their own family. BUT it has to be done, and it has to be undured.
It's very hard to see the joy in life dwindle away until it is one hell of a heavy burden, yet it is all on your own shoulders to man up and make it all work, even though you could happily quit working and let it all fall apart, thinking you have done your part. BUT you know you can not do this, no matter how hard it gets.
Lately it's just been very hard...
EDIT: I will be ok. Just very tired of the soldier on and suck it up mentality. Ol Dad needs a fuckin rest...
EDIT 2: Sorry for venting here, but this is the only place in the world I thought might actually understand and give a damn.
Edited by Coopdog, 29 May 2020 - 10:31 PM.