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Didn't go my way...


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#1 Coopdog

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Posted 29 May 2020 - 10:29 PM

Been trying to talk the wife into a strong acid trip for a year or more. Somehow there is always something keeping it from happening. Recently we decided to go with mushies, as it takes less of an investment of time and self and usually comes with a lot of positive reinforcement as a side effect. 

 

Needless to say, it was not a good experience nor did I get the positive reinforcement. I got beat up something fierce for the way I have responded to this entire farce of a year. I came out of it hating myself and hating the changes I need to make in order to make these lifestyle changes work. I came to the very deep realization that me getting near drunk during the week and drunk drunk on the weekends is NOT helping my life nor my mindset. I came to the deep realization that this comes down to not being happy with myself, my life, and everything involved in it all and craving self destruction that I have no right to delve into. 

 

No matter how hard I tried, I could NOT lose myself in music, despite my wife trying all night long to pull me out of it. I smiled and tried to sluff it off as momentary, but it was not. I tried to soldier on, smiling with tears running down my cheeks as I was torn apart inside. It was deep realization, as always comes with mushroom experiences. I also did not do enough to lose myself and my heavy and ponderous mindset, but instead added to it with a never ending series of images of my future ending badly if I continue down the road I have been on for a good 3-7 years. 

 

It is very hard to realize that you are 55 years old, and still yearning for a 21 year old lifestyle that does not exist in this world anymore. It is very hard to realize that nobody cares how that feels and nobody condones or cares to join in it either. It is very hard to realize that the person who you have expected to be there until you die just might not be. It is very hard to let them go for months at a time to let them take care of their own incredibly difficult life challenges with their own family. BUT it has to be done, and it has to be undured. 

 

It's very hard to see the joy in life dwindle away until it is one hell of a heavy burden, yet it is all on your own shoulders to man up and make it all work, even though you could happily quit working and let it all fall apart, thinking you have done your part. BUT you know you can not do this, no matter how hard it gets.

 

Lately it's just been very hard... 

 

EDIT: I will be ok. Just very tired of the soldier on and suck it up mentality. Ol Dad needs a fuckin rest...

 

EDIT 2: Sorry for venting here, but this is the only place in the world I thought might actually understand and give a damn. 


Edited by Coopdog, 29 May 2020 - 10:31 PM.

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#2 Choices

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Posted 29 May 2020 - 10:58 PM

Ahhh. You’re amongst a friend. I recently just posted something about my thoughts and how they appear hear. And it’s just plain silly now.

Oh no i don’t have an answer I’m curious as to where this goes.
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#3 Juthro

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Posted 30 May 2020 - 12:39 AM

These last few months have taken a toll on us all, Coop.  I don't have answers for you, but I can tell you that I do care  :hug:


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#4 onediadem

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Posted 30 May 2020 - 10:42 AM

All my hopes.


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#5 flashingrooster

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Posted 30 May 2020 - 12:22 PM

The mush can be a little overwhelming when we have those sort of realizations but feel like we are powerless to change them in the immediate future.

 

Here's to hoping you feel better coop, I know venting always seems to help a bit.  Life, it can be a real mother fucker sometimes

 

Maybe it's just a build up of anxiety right now from drinking and the mushies. I know that feeling of anxiety, like the walls are closing in on you. It can creep up on a person without us realizing what's really causing it. The next day, hangover or not seems to exacerbate those feelings so we usually end up taking more drugs to feel better. I often end up smoking twice as much weed on a hangover day

 

I know my alcohol consumption has gone up during this shit, so your not alone in feeling anxious or upset. The threat of my job never coming back is all to real, but what can I do right now. The world is on pause

 

Thankfully I got government assistance to keep me above water

 

Going to golf and drink this afternoon so I guess I am not that poor, tomorrow I will likely be Hangry and hanxious


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#6 Arathu

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Posted 30 May 2020 - 03:37 PM

 

Ol Dad needs a fuckin rest...

 

I'm a year behind you Coop......and all the old dudes in my life, that I looked up to in one way or another, have died now. Last year my pops, my physics prof, and my first guru, all passed away. I'm the oldest in the family now with kids and grand kids, newest baby born just a week ago or so. I guess I get to be the old sage of the clan.....hell yeah so be it!

 

If I partied now like I did when I was 25 I'd be dead for sure....not doing it. So I switched my tastes over to really good beer and really good Scotch.....and I have one or two......

 

Hang in there man changes and lessons are all there really is anyway......you ain't alone man!

 

Whatever comes I'm going to try and make the best out of it, do the best that I can, and help others to do the same......

 

A


Edited by Arathu, 30 May 2020 - 03:45 PM.

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#7 Coopdog

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Posted 30 May 2020 - 04:33 PM

Thank you all. just gonna be one hell of a rotten summer from where I am sitting right now. The wife's father (88) is in poor health, and nobody there to really take care of him, so she is flying out tomorrow, and she is in no shape right now to be taking something on like that herself and I fear the trip is going to take a big toll on her. Despite my doubts about the veracity of this virus, she is in every category of high risk and already in poor health and I am WORRIED for her. So damn tired of dragging myself in to work every day and seeing my job dying on the vine and them struggling to keep us working with no work and a big overabundance of smartass young guys running the place that don't know their ass from a hole in the ground standing on us all to make us look busy when there is NO WORK. I say that not from a grand place of elder knowledge, but from a stark and ugly reality. I'm the guy who usually tries to throw a positive spin on it for everyone else, but right now reality is hard to squeeze for the positive stuff lol. 

 

My Garden is taking off. My Cacti are doing well and I have four more 2 ft thick top cuts to add to them. I think today I will do some repotting and get some cloneX and work with them a while. I may save one for preparation. Maybe that will help...

 

Arathu that is a big part of my problem too, everyone I looked up to is passed, and even my wife's father who has always been a role model for me is very close to done. It's hard not to have people to turn to for that solid life advice. I miss them...

 

Love you all... and thanks again.


Edited by Coopdog, 30 May 2020 - 04:35 PM.

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#8 Guy1298

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Posted 30 May 2020 - 08:58 PM

I appreciate the clear and honest expression. I've felt similarly and will feel similarly again! 

 

I often think about and yearn for escape. Even in today's trip, for a tiny bit, there was some suicidal ideation. Even at times, I felt and saw myself as just terrible, so lonely, so wrong. Much unhappiness! And strangely anger, standing in for my insecurity, I'd guess. Yeah, mushrooms are a solitary endeavor. I expect to see, or to imagine shitty parts of myself, all in the process of little epiphanies, soon forgotten. But, the weight is slightly lifted. In the midst of these unhappinesses, I might touch sweet relief. Insight... this world... a miracle... I.

 

Hang in there, friend. :).


Edited by Guy1298, 30 May 2020 - 09:00 PM.

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#9 Coopdog

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Posted 30 May 2020 - 09:07 PM

Thanks Guy, I am not suicidal at all, but daily drinking screams of the same, to the point of not caring to death it seems. I have marvelled at how far you have come in your thought process. I had that beat a few years ago, but it is way easier to slip into despair than it is to strive to float above it all, and that balanced mindset is like balancing a pencil on the end of your fingertip all day. It's a delicate balance and very easy to go too far one way or the other. Just tired of striving to see the goal moved again and again as a member recently said. I feel you on that one. 

 

Life could be a lot worse, and I am thankful regardless of the weight at the moment. It's not all bad...

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Edited by Coopdog, 30 May 2020 - 09:13 PM.

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#10 pharmer

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Posted 30 May 2020 - 10:25 PM

Well, there you go. The mushies told you what you need to be thinking about.

 

Been there myself. Worse trip I ever had was tearful and full of revelations about how things I'd done could and should have been done better. Guess what? I haven't done those things since.

 

Sometimes no pain = no gain

 

As for the future - we live in interesting times


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#11 Coopdog

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Posted 30 May 2020 - 11:12 PM

Pharmer man, you been there thru it all. Much love brother. Thank you and you are for damn sure right. Change is needed, here and everywhere. You are one of the real, and the old school. Thanks for being true throughout...


Edited by Coopdog, 30 May 2020 - 11:12 PM.

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#12 Wimzers

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Posted 31 May 2020 - 07:06 PM

Those words 'nobody cares' really hit me hard and I've been thinking why. 
 
I heard those words at my last job in a nursing home. A new grad speech therapist told me to my face that 'nobody cared' if I treated this patient or not. Meaning I should just write down the time and get paid. This old man(patient) had mild dementia worked 2 jobs until he retired and had already lost 1 leg. He deserved to be seen just like any other patient. He had great stories about his life growing up in a racist city. He was an 86 year old black man, so you know being in the south he's seen some shit. Thing is I do care. I care about people, but life would be easier if I didn't care. Maybe it wouldn't be easier, but hard in a different way. 
 
I get mad at people who don't care and unfortunately it makes me want to beat the caring into them which wouldn't work, but this is currently how I feel. Thing is you saying 'nobody cares' means you do care and I can relate.
 
I'm new, but you have a lot of people here that care about you man from what I can see,
 
Also I knew I'd seen that welcome mat before. At my front door.
 
 

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#13 ElPirana

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Posted 31 May 2020 - 08:12 PM

Hey coop, those mushies will sometimes bring up things that you don’t even know your avoiding. I’ve been through plenty of that myself, and it’s damn hard to go through. Maybe that trip was just the thing to get you on the first step to a different path, could be the very thing you need. Just hang in there!!
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#14 Coopdog

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Posted 01 June 2020 - 12:53 PM

I always will hang in there and Wimzers you are right I DO care, about way too many things. One of the hardest things for me to deal with in this new world is the "I don't care" attitude. THAT is how we got to this point...


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#15 pharmer

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Posted 01 June 2020 - 02:48 PM

it makes me want to beat the caring into them

 

Welcome to my world :ohmy:


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#16 Coopdog

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Posted 02 June 2020 - 02:29 AM

Yes Sir not that kinda world nowadays, where you can slap the stoopid out of them lol, hard to teach an old dog new tricks though lol. I am working very hard on my dumb fuck diplomacy, but it's coming slowly lol. I was raised in a place where stoopid was not greeted with a safe place and an understanding smile lol


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#17 Alder Logs

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Posted 02 June 2020 - 12:29 PM

I don't know how to get across the knowing of presence in being that takes one beyond identifying with these body/minds.   Nothing really changes as regards the forms, and yet it surely does.  I, my body/mind expression of What Is, am sitting here in the same shit storm as the all the seven point five billion expressions of the SAME THING (whatever that is, as the Tao that can't be told).   In having escaped the parameters of body/mind identity, but still looking out from these same eyes, remembering the same memories, thinking in similar terms, I still know caring.   You don't have to be someone/something to care.  The problem stems from creating an idea of being something, something we made up, that we care about first and foremost, but it was never more than the idea we have of ourselves. 

 

My expression is all over the map, and I see it, don't let it bullshit you.  Don't let your expression bullshit you either.  Maybe people get tired of me quoting Mooji around here, but as he says, "It's not that you don't care.  It's more that you don't mind."   As bad as we might judge appearances, wanting the seven point five billion, minus the one we seem to be, to just get it together and stop fucking this up, can we think about who this is for?   No, we don't want this, and we do want that.  We do care. 

 

If we demand our identification to be based on what is perceived through limited senses and reasoned with incomplete information, what can we expect?  We have to drop the masks we wear as who and what we truly are.  We will never see the patterns line up between what is false and what is true.  The false is a chameleon and a phantom.  We've watched it change through all our lives, but try to elevate the current iteration as if that's IT.   It's never been it.  But what was it that watched this through all its changes?  Has that pure unidentified witnessing ever changed?   Can we just admit that we are that seeing, always present with no persona to defend or demand?

 

Alder Logs ain't getting out of here alive, so why would I go all the way with that idiot?  

 

I have no idea if anything I just wrote makes sense or belongs here. 


Edited by Alder Logs, 02 June 2020 - 12:33 PM.

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#18 Wimzers

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Posted 02 June 2020 - 01:28 PM

I don't know how to get across the knowing of presence in being that takes one beyond identifying with these body/minds.   Nothing really changes as regards the forms, and yet it surely does.  I, my body/mind expression of What Is, am sitting here in the same shit storm as the all the seven point five billion expressions of the SAME THING (whatever that is, as the Tao that can't be told).   In having escaped the parameters of body/mind identity, but still looking out from these same eyes, remembering the same memories, thinking in similar terms, I still know caring.   You don't have to be someone/something to care.  The problem stems from creating an idea of being something, something we made up, that we care about first and foremost, but it was never more than the idea we have of ourselves. 

 

My expression is all over the map, and I see it, don't let it bullshit you.  Don't let your expression bullshit you either.  Maybe people get tired of me quoting Mooji around here, but as he says, "It's not that you don't care.  It's more that you don't mind."   As bad as we might judge appearances, wanting the seven point five billion, minus the one we seem to be, to just get it together and stop fucking this up, can we think about who this is for?   No, we don't want this, and we do want that.  We do care. 

 

If we demand our identification to be based on what is perceived through limited senses and reasoned with incomplete information, what can we expect?  We have to drop the masks we wear as who and what we truly are.  We will never see the patterns line up between what is false and what is true.  The false is a chameleon and a phantom.  We've watched it change through all our lives, but try to elevate the current iteration as if that's IT.   It's never been it.  But what was it that watched this through all its changes?  Has that pure unidentified witnessing ever changed?   Can we just admit that we are that seeing, always present with no persona to defend or demand?

 

Alder Logs ain't getting out of here alive, so why would I go all the way with that idiot?  

 

I have no idea if anything I just wrote makes sense or belongs here. 

 

I need an example of both. One example being a short story of an individual knowing of his/her presence without identifying with his/her body/mind and the same story not knowing of his/her presence and identifying with her/his body/mind. 

 

Awareness is what is and everything else is in front is understood. How this changes anything, from my perspective, is confusing. You are you and I am me. Who am I? I am awareness. Okay. Still living in the same place with no other perspective, so I'm missing something.

 

Only thing about Mooji, like others, is when it's said everything is divine. Dass says the same thing. Confuses the shit out of me.

 

Hope this is okay to ask here.


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#19 Alder Logs

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Posted 02 June 2020 - 02:04 PM

Like I said, I wish I did know how to get it across, what became evident beyond doubt (not beyond a doubting mind, however--and I have one of those too), that I am not what I think.   It's clear what I think is just what I think.  I am willing to think this is true of what any thinker thinks.   Thoughts aren't up to the task of conveying what is.  My download wasn't made up of information, it was made of the awareness of information's limits, and what I thought I was couldn't be what I was.  How did I get there?  I guess it was in wanting it, and in humbling the wanter to an extent sufficient that that SOB got out of the way for a moment.  The divisions were seen to be no more than thought.  I am not my thoughts.  Those who don't see that they are not their thoughts think and fully believe they are their thought of being.  Their true being is prior to any thought, lives in presence.   The thought of being is never not out of sight, but when it's the lens, its ideas are its seen projection.  This is the waking dream.  It doesn't go away when once seen, but it becomes known for what it is, and isn't.  This adds a kind of discernment.  

 

The world outside these eyes in this body is not true.  It's a framed part of it.  If I put all the powers of belief I can muster into that, no space for the whole is left to me.  Belief, just as thought, hasn't the capacity for true being.  It's going to be limited to a set of ideas.  I can scream, "I just don't see it."  How is it I am looking? 

 

I really don't know what to say, and perhaps shouldn't have broached it here at all.  I will repeat the words that helped me to the download, which was really just getting out of the way, because nothing had to be downloaded, as it's always just been here, happening all along.  Those words were, "stay as the witness,"  or as I now prefer to put it, "the witnessing," as it's not a noun to be.  Being is ongoing and stays in presence. 

 

Clear as mud?


Edited by Alder Logs, 02 June 2020 - 02:05 PM.

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#20 pharmer

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Posted 02 June 2020 - 06:39 PM

Alder Logs ain't getting out of here alive, so why would I go all the way with that idiot?

 

Alder, I've said it elsewhere and I'll say it again here

 

You are a funny, funny man :)


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