forgive me if this isn't the most coherent since i'm high atm, but i wanted to take advantage of my current state to reflect on why i started to access Mycotopia and think about why i want to grow shrooms. what brought me here? what am i seeking, and why?
technically i've tried shrooms twice, but only once (this past january) did i really trip. the first go around, my partner and i took about a gram each and felt zip. the guy who grew it also had a dud experience, so who knows what was up with that. his second grow though was great. i didn't have any visual hallucinations, but the psychological and emotional experience was wondrous. i spent hours in bed staring out the window, watching the sunlight filter through the branches of these two massive oak and maple trees in my backyard. i was dazzled by the beauty of the sun. i lost myself in happiness and self-love, for i loved the world and i was a part of the world, ergo to not love myself was to betray the world that gave me life. it was this trip that also gave me the resolve to pursue gender confirmation surgery, for i was created in order to indulge in the act of creation in my own right. (this was the lovely thought that came to me at the height of my trip.)
this was a lot for someone who's dealt with pretty awful mental health issues from a young age. (i've been working hard to resist the notion that because others have had it worse, i don't have the right to describe my experience accurately.) i've been on various SSRIs and benzos for 6 or 7 years and have been smoking or vaping weed daily for about 2 years. for the past year or so i've gotten a hankering for alcohol and it's just fucking punishing. i love it and hate it. it brings me joy and also makes me miserable. it silences my inner self-flagellation for a time before quadrupling its effect the next day. i'm probably blowing my affinity for it out of proportion, but witnessing your dad's lifelong decline into alcoholism will make you wary of any signs of developing dependency. at least i've already had that conversation with myself about cannabis: yeah, i'm dependent, just like i'm dependent on my conventional meds & hormones to keep me from losing my mind. (it feels like, sometimes.) i'm pretty radical with my approach to substance use & dependency, seeing it as a possible expression of an underlying problem rather than a problem in and of itself. why does anyone take any drug? to experience life in a way different than how our bodies experience it otherwise.
experiencing shrooms for the first time and reading its impact on so many other people who've struggled as i have has shown me what it's like to not experience the constant buzz of anxiety and overwhelming weight of major depression, both of which have been especially bad this summer what with the Everything That's Happening. when i'm in tough moments i try hard to remember experiencing myself as the human being that i am rather than that which my anxiety tells me i am. the memory's fading, though -- losing its potency, so to speak
i'm grateful for how far i've come already in healing myself, so i feel drawn to shrooms & other psychedelics due to their ability to unlock memories and emotions and ways of thinking that are life-changing. moreover, my experiences with gardening, agriculture and home cultivation of cannabis has granted me, again, the delight and pleasure of seeing one's efforts come to fruition. again, we're created to indulge in creation, right?
so that's where i'm at; i had other thoughts but i can feel my mind wandering. thanks to all for reading -- i'd love to hear your reason(s) for why you decided to cultivate, as well! much love