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TSA Behavioral Screening Checklist [rev. 2009]


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#1 TVCasualty

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Posted 27 March 2021 - 05:30 PM

Know before you go!

 

The 2-page PDF document attached below details the stuff TSA goons look for in your behavior when deciding whether to select you for molestation, err I mean "additional screening."

 

It was last revised in 2009, but chances are low that this particular list has changed much, partly because it's completely bogus from a scientific perspective but necessary for you to know because they still use BS like this anyway. Think of it as a list of "How to Travel Unmolested 101" type security tips to help keep you secure from security.

 

I had to zoom in a lot to make it readable. I would expect most of the people reading this here would already be aware of these things, or rather to never do these things while at an airport, and probably any other type of public transportation hub for that matter. But it's good to remind ourselves of the basics occasionally.

 

And if the warning at the bottom concerns anyone, rest assured that I only disseminated this highly sensitive information to individuals who have a demonstrable "need to know" in accordance with U.S.C. 552 and 49 C.F.R. Parts 15 and 1520.

 

I figure if you want to fly somewhere, and especially if you want to fly somewhere with some sweet contraband on you then you have demonstrated a clear and unambiguous need to know this shit, so here you go...

 

Attached File  TSA.pdf   5.68MB   34 downloads


Edited by TVCasualty, 27 March 2021 - 05:31 PM.

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#2 coorsmikey

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Posted 27 March 2021 - 05:44 PM

I am afraid to read it worrying that my subconscious may start manifesting these behaviors while in line thus getting me molested. I usually get a shake down anyways lately because they have been cracking down on sandwiches in my luggage and metallic toenail clippers. Sandwiches and fruit really get them worked up but they have never messed with the drugs yet.


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#3 Skywatcher

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Posted 28 March 2021 - 09:30 AM

That's a pretty interesting doc.

Makes me even more glad I never fly anymore. For work I was in airports all over the US almost every week. I'm sure some of the local TSA recognized me from the frequency. It would have to be a most urgent circumstance to get me in an airport anymore.

 

I do remember the time they pulled me out when I had 6 cans of all the new fishfoods stacked in my luggage to show customers, and never even thought about what that looked like to the xray machine............


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#4 FLASHINGROOSTER

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Posted 28 March 2021 - 11:25 AM

I always wondered about the direct eye contact with security thing.

 

So seems to be the best bet is not to try to ignore them altogether, a quick glance in their direction but best to avoid a lingering glance that might make them think you are assessing the situation

 

Reminds me of the time I had some Valiums in my backpack and the little drug sniffing dog came walking by. I stopped and did the cheapest sort of half bend  at the knee knowing they were stored at the top of the backpack, tried to make it look like I didn't care if he went for a sniff. Not sure if they can even smell that shit but I was able to keep on walking


Edited by FLASHINGROOSTER, 28 March 2021 - 11:26 AM.


#5 Juthro

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Posted 28 March 2021 - 01:59 PM

The most excited I've ever gotten TSA was when I packed several 1lb sticks of home made smoked cheese in the same suitcase as my cell phone and laptop chargers.   Like SS said above, I never considered what it would look like in the X-ray machine.


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#6 August West

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Posted 28 March 2021 - 04:23 PM

I don't have it in me to tell the whole story but I got a little too brash with some L. williamsii coming over a border once. It was early days for the TSA and I foolishly thought my mode of transport would garner less scrutiny. Turns out peyote is such a danger to public safety it requires men with automatic rifles to intervene in ones travel plans...even though they didn't know what it was they had found until they Googled it. It's a frightening experience to be at the wrong end of ignorant, heavily armed agents of the state enforcing laws for things they don't understand. But hey, at least security theater is good for keeping slow growing plants from wreaking havoc within our borders.


Edited by August West, 28 March 2021 - 04:27 PM.

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#7 TVCasualty

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Posted 29 March 2021 - 11:23 AM

I am afraid to read it worrying that my subconscious may start manifesting these behaviors while in line thus getting me molested. I usually get a shake down anyways lately because they have been cracking down on sandwiches in my luggage and metallic toenail clippers. Sandwiches and fruit really get them worked up but they have never messed with the drugs yet.

 

I'll never forget a Customs Agent in Dallas pointing/shaking a large Hungarian salami at my girlfriend as he asked her if she had "anything like this in her luggage" too. They found my hard salami log or chub or whatever they're called, which I didn't think would be a problem (but I didn't declare it, either) since they sit around at room temp for months so there's no way they could be carrying agricultural pests or pathogens or whatever. But it was also lunch time, and it was a quality salami. I guess they weren't interested in the cannabis seeds or block of hash under my belt buckle and they didn't use a dog so I was good to go after losing my salami.

 

I didn't appreciate the way he was pointing and wagging that thing in her face, but I kept quiet about it since I was rolling dirty. I was really proud of her when she looked him right in the eye and lied about not having anything like that in her bag. At home we later enjoyed some of the massive cured ham she managed to smuggle through, which paired well with the hash as we watched our new seeds sprouting. I guess the Customs guy couldn't imagine that she would have the nerve to lie to him, lol.

 

And one thing I learned the awkward way is that fudge has the same density as plastic explosive and so shows up on the X-ray as such. That's not normally a problem unless like me you infused your fudge with lots of hash before heading to the airport. I learned this while the TSA agent was still holding the jar full of hash fudge that she'd pulled out of my carry-on because it looked like C-4 on the x-ray (she told me this directly). So I basically disguised my hash as a high explosive to get it on a plane, and I got it on a plane. So the TSA is not even security theater. It's just people standing around waiting for someone random to harass, apparently.

 

Another random tip I just thought of is to avoid wearing pants or shorts with lots of pockets. The porn-scanner seems to project false positives onto baggy pockets so you'll get patted-down by hand (I saw a different pocket shaded red on the scan monitor each time I went through one while wearing those pants, and there was nothing at all in any pocket). Conversely, wearing baggy pants with lots of big pockets might be a good diversion from what's in your carry-on so they focus on fondling your junk instead of searching the bag.

 

 

 

Oh, and I haven't flown internationally in a long time, but if they still give out Customs Declaration forms before you land, always get two.

 

Get one from a flight attendant, then ask a different flight attendant for another one saying you were in the bathroom when they were passed out. Fill both out, keep them in separate pockets. If at any point before clearing Customs an Agent asks to see your form, give them one. If they write anything on it then put it back in your pocket. Then get the unmarked form from your other pocket to present to the next Agent.

 

The cryptic note that might get written on your form just tells the next Agent to send you to the room with the big steel tables where you'll be asked to unpack all your shit so they can touch it all while looking at your reactions to what they touch. So if there's anything sketchy in your luggage, take care to not react to anyone touching whatever object it's hidden in.


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#8 TVCasualty

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Posted 29 March 2021 - 11:36 AM

I always wondered about the direct eye contact with security thing.

 

So seems to be the best bet is not to try to ignore them altogether, a quick glance in their direction but best to avoid a lingering glance that might make them think you are assessing the situation

 

Reminds me of the time I had some Valiums in my backpack and the little drug sniffing dog came walking by. I stopped and did the cheapest sort of half bend  at the knee knowing they were stored at the top of the backpack, tried to make it look like I didn't care if he went for a sniff. Not sure if they can even smell that shit but I was able to keep on walking

 

Deal with them as you would anyone who you don't give a shit about. So fleeting eye contact that acknowledges their existence (giving a "You exist; I see you" vibe) but doesn't otherwise linger or focus on them as relevant (implicitly saying "...and I'm on vacation and thinking about other stuff so I couldn't care less that you exist").

 

If you're on vacation, look excited. If your cover story is a funeral, look sad. If it's for work, look tired and bored. Act annoyed but politely restrained in your annoyance when confronted by security since innocent people are annoyed by being inconvenienced. Excessive compliance and/or politeness is a warning sign to them since no one likes to be hassled or searched.

 

And look alone if you're under 60 and male and traveling with another male who is not a relative (or your husband). There's no need to acknowledge that you know each other while traveling, and it only brings additional scrutiny.


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#9 Arathu

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Posted 30 March 2021 - 05:59 AM

Hahahaha......I deliberately make sure I get the treatment (not that I will ever fly commercial again).......flatulence combined with an expanded vocabulary just adds the wonderful world of Disney

 

Excessive compliance or extreme extrovert, none the less they NEVER find anything on me or in my bags......because I simply didn't do it. In my day they KNEW why we were taking a vacation in Holland......

 

Tulips and windmills of course.....silly mall guards..............oh my, please excuse me, it's the German beer and expensive cheese on crackers.......

 

Hahahahaha........security........hahahahahaha

 


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#10 Myc

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Posted 30 March 2021 - 09:57 AM

I always refer back to something I read by TVC some years back. Something to do with the "Jedi mind trick".

 

I think that our hearts radiate energy - which is quantifiable and measurable by certain instruments.

I further think that while all of us radiate that energy - not all of us understand what we're feeling when we're in a crowded room or space. That "gut feeling" is likely more than just the nebulous, woo-woo thing we all dismiss it to be.

Treat baggage screeners as if they were just another piece of luggage lying around on the concourse.

 

That being said.........

I always try to be somewhere else when encountering "screening" type situations. I project my thoughts to where I will be and what I will be doing - only committing minimal energy to being present in the moment. I'm barely there consciously.

Using the honey tek, I once smuggled an ounce of mushrooms into Holland. It was rumored that the smart shoppes weren't selling mushrooms and I wasn't taking any chances. I made a tub of magical blue honey..........er, um, energy gel for bicycling......and took it with me. I did not, however, bring the remains of the honey home on the return trip. Instead, a lucky smart shoppe clerk received the container (which was still half-full after 2 weeks in country) with directions to Mycotopia so he could review the recipe.

I saw the fellow later in the day while he was out and about. He took an extra moment or two to give me a nod and a wink. ;)

I now have friends in Holland and need not take any unnecessary risks in the future. I'll be flying clean from now on since I can get "dirty" once I land.

And Holland beckons me. The red light district is going to be soooo glad to see this lonesome sailor.


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#11 TVCasualty

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Posted 30 March 2021 - 11:03 AM

I always refer back to something I read by TVC some years back. Something to do with the "Jedi mind trick".

 

That's really important with this kind of stuff. It's good to read that others find the analogy useful. I believe that it's kept me out of a whole lot of trouble (i.e. prison) over the years and hope it does the same for everyone else.

 

People can often sense when someone hates them, has no respect for them as a human being, or feels superior to them. They might not sense it consciously and so in those cases they often will just start not liking someone at all even if they have no apparent reason to. So never hold spiteful or negative thoughts in your mind when dealing with anyone who is in a position to fuck you up (in any context, not just talking to LEOs). It'd be ideal to banish such negative thoughts from our minds altogether, but like most people my level of consciousness ain't "ideal" quite yet.

 

Anyway, people going on vacation generally aren't filled with seething resentment, so if you have 'em banish those kinds of thoughts from your mind until you're away from the scene. Fake it 'til you make it [out the exit]!

 

While a cop or TSA or Customs officer might not be conscious of the reason they decided to not like you at all and single you out to make your life miserable, it could very well be because they subconsciously detected your feelings about them. So don't let them do that!

 

 

Now consider this phenomenon in the context of racism, sexism, and any other ism that divides us and it starts to seem like maybe the solution to most of our (and the world's) problems is to change our minds by using them on purpose to think and act instead of just reflexively reacting to whatever happens. Staying the hell away from antisocial media helps a lot (so no more Facebook or Twitter, for starters!). This concept seems to be growing in popular awareness. Better late than never, I guess.


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#12 Coopdog

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Posted 30 March 2021 - 01:50 PM

Alright, now I have to tell my airport story lol. It refers to Cocaine, but since it is in retrospect for entertainment purposes I hope that is ok. If not delete this and no hard feelings. We were taking my oldest daughter back home to have her 1st birthday at Mom and Dad's house. I had an oz of fine Washington skunk bud that I had put under a book with the leg of my bed on it overnight to smash it as flat as I could, thinking that if I got all the air out in the first place maybe I could contain that smell. I was more than wrong lol. I smelled like I had walked into a den of skunks. I had also picked up an 8 ball of some of the best coke I have ever seen, and had that stashed in my wallet. 

 

Security was not so stringent back then, and I had the oz of buds stashed in my underwear. We are in a big long line to get into the concourse, and lo and behold, this guy walks up with a German Shepherd dog, and joins the guards at the gates. With 50 people or so ahead of us I suddenly needed to go find a bathroom and told my wife to take our daughter and go on in, and I would join her in the lounge area. I went and got a coffee, drank some of it, and went back and got in the opposite line. I strongly considered dumping it all in the bathroom trash, but just couldn't do it. (Yes I was young and dumb then, or I would not have been doing this at all.) I got about 4-5 people back and here came that guy with the dog, and now it was too late for me to change my mind. 

 

I walked within three feet of that dog and it didn't even look at me. I guess it was not a drug sniffing dog at all, because they let me pass. Scared the hell out of me still lol


Edited by Coopdog, 30 March 2021 - 01:53 PM.

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#13 TVCasualty

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Posted 30 March 2021 - 02:23 PM

I suspect that they don't deploy drug sniffing dogs in domestic terminals very often since it would probably end up disrupting air travel too much. I'd bet that a hell of a lot of people carry personal/misdemeanor quantities of illegal drugs on or with them, lol.

 

 

Funniest story I know about air travel is a friend's story about bringing back two ounces of high-grade hash from Germany. In his ass. Apparently no one told him that he didn't need to keep it up there for the entire flight, so it was the longest and most uncomfortable flight of his life. Rookie mistake.

 

He somehow managed to walk normally through Customs and made it out just fine, then beelined for the nearest restroom. He popped (pooped?) out the hash into a toilet and felt a wave of relief on mutliple levels that the rest of us probably can't imagine unless we've carried something across the Atlantic up our butts, too. As he stood up and turned to pick the hash out of the toilet, the fancy newfangled auto-flush feature was activated and he watched the most beautiful and expensive log he'd ever flushed vanish before his quickly tear-filled eyes. He told me that he really did just sit back down and cry for a few minutes. I probably would have too, but it didn't happen to me so I just thought it was hilarious.

 

 

The crazy brother of a friend of mine was on a flight from South America when (still in Colombia) Columbian police boarded with drug dogs. He said that the dogs alerted to almost everyone, and pieced together that someone had sprinkled cocaine on lots of seats and other passengers as they walked down the aisle after boarding. It was a good idea in theory, but they don't give up and let everyone leave just because they can't find the stash, so all it did was make them take a lot longer to find it which they eventually did by searching carry-ons by hand.

 

He was also the guy who arrived in Thailand for a vacation and stuffed some underwear and an old pair of swim trunks into a black trashbag, added some tropical fruit, a little meat, and some dirt. He then double-bagged it and left it in some bushes near his hotel for the 10 days he was there. He packed it at the bottom of his large duffel bag for the trip home, and when Customs took it out (they ALWAYS searched him) and asked him what was in it, he said "Oh, you definitely don't want to open that! It's got wet laundry I forgot about, so probably stinks real bad so whatever you do DON'T OPEN IT!" which of course made them want to open it right away. The poor bastard who opened it immediately projectile-vomited. They didn't do anything to him because he'd genuinely tried to warn them, lol.


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#14 FLASHINGROOSTER

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Posted 30 March 2021 - 04:00 PM

I have to admit the older I get my cojones seem to be shrinking for the smuggling behavior.

 

These days biggest issue I have is dealing with the customs agents stone faced reaction to my jokes. No offense but the ladies are the worst, I don't even try with them anymore. Like I am going to trick my way into the country by telling a joke or two. I get it protocol, it couldn't possibly be that I laid an egg right? that's right

 

A life of possible minor drug related offenses, sometimes it feels good to have nothing to hide



#15 TVCasualty

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Posted 31 March 2021 - 01:18 PM

I get the impression that telling jokes or trying to be funny in any way around TSA or Customs checkpoints is considered suspicious. Stand up comics probably get searched a lot.


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#16 coorsmikey

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Posted 31 March 2021 - 08:06 PM

For those that haven't traveled domestically in a while, Yes the Dog's are trained to sniff nitrates and other explosives. TSA doesn't really care about the weed (Though I have never had the need to take any coke with me anywhere) but depending on where you land it's walking out of the airport with the goods that you actually thing you snuck by TSA and got away with is what can get you. Coming from a legal state to a not so legal state is so common now that they give you the opportunity to give your weed to to the Cops ( or some lucky janitor that has the task of emptying the container). This is Chicago O Hare International right as you exit the secure TSA area.

6C0CA6C3-C17F-436B-A757-70E6E3E91C35.jpeg


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#17 Myc

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Posted 31 March 2021 - 11:58 PM

While heading to the airport on departure day......I patted myself down and found myself in possession of some 6 grams of fine Dutch cannabis.  Rather than toss it, I rolled a proper cigar using the bed-sheet rolling papers they sell over there. My friend and I smoked ourselves stupid on the way to the airport.

On the way through Vondelpark, I saw a fellow who looked like he could use a buzz and handed him the rest of the cigar. He couldn't believe his luck and I was happy to oblige as I could only (barely, just) concentrate on my own navigational responsibilities.

Was I loaded onto a plane or rather, was I loaded on a plane???


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#18 FLASHINGROOSTER

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Posted 01 April 2021 - 01:35 PM

I get the impression that telling jokes or trying to be funny in any way around TSA or Customs checkpoints is considered suspicious. Stand up comics probably get searched a lot.

 

Yeah some dude thinking he is going to keep the agent distracted with what he has to say. Not to mention some folk can't seem to shut up when they get nervous. "No officer I definitely did not bring any weed with me today, what's that you didn't ask me a question?"

 

I have a buddy that does this and it's cringe worthy, if he ever had anything to hide he would be sooooooo screwed. We make the joke not to tell him you have anything on you in case he couldn't handle the heat and tattled on us in the line. The funny part being I am not sure its a joke, and the guy is my best friend.  One time we were walking over to a house party in a place where you never see police, a cop car drove by at the end of the street and the fucking guy ducks down behind another car because I told him I had some molly in my shoe. He may as well have started running down the street waving his arms it was so fucking obvious... Because you know, it's illegal to walk down the street :bat:

 

Luckily they didn't see his performance. Fuck was I mad, glad I at least had half a mind to put it in my shoe. Like I said I figured there was about a zero percent chance we were going to be seeing a patrol car that night but paranoia won out

 

 

Nice to see that amnesty bin, that is a great step towards proper drug enforcement.


Edited by FLASHINGROOSTER, 01 April 2021 - 01:38 PM.

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#19 TVCasualty

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Posted 01 April 2021 - 06:55 PM

I'm going to start hanging out at the airport now.

 

 

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