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My first trip - 3.3g Golden Teacher (just sharing the nice parts)


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#1 Kidbuu

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Posted 05 June 2021 - 06:31 PM

Hi everyone, hope you're all well and safe.

Last night I had my first trip ever. I've never had any psychedelic experiences before. I've only done weed and mdma, and after last night I can confirm that both of them are children drugs in comparison.

 

Now my trip consisted of two parts, one AMAZING with breathtaking visuals and sensations, and the other completely horrible with thoughts that I do not ever wanna encounter again. I'm only gonna share the nice part because I feel the characteristics of the bad part are too personal, in the sense that I think if I share them it would scare some people who should not be scared at all, because those thoughts only apply to me due to my personal life, since everybody creates their own story in their book that is their life and we're all different. I just want to clarify that this does not mean that I had any sort of thoughts of hurting people or anything that would make me a bad person since I've never been one.

 

Context: I did it alone. I live alone in an apartment with my beautiful tabby cat. I fasted for 8-9 hours and was in a great mood. I boiled some water by itself for about 3-4 minutes (since I've read that reduces the oxygen which causes oxidation), then I crushed 3.3g of Golden Teacher and put it inside a metallic beverage bottle. Introduced the water, the juice of one lemon, and a tea bag of a digestive herbs mix (pennyroyal, chamomile, coriander, peperina, mint and fennel). I let it steep for 30-40 minutes, then played some Jethro Tull (great british band) which I find very soothing and put my phone away in airplane mode. I had prepared a lot of music playlists, the main one being an Ozric Tentacles mix of my favorite songs (you should really check that band out) which I was saving for when the mushies hit me.

I must say I'm a very visual guy. I've had psychedelic experiences with weed so I was really looking forward to this experience mainly because of that.

 

Experience: So I started drinking the tea (quite nasty but not as bad as I thought it would be) and waited a bit in my couch. I started having some thoughts that I wanted to write down and I did, while starting to feel some changes in my vision and how my body felt. I was feeling quite anxious, walking and waiting. After about 10-15 minutes, I noticed some static patterns on the yellow floor tiles that looked like they were formed by the lights and I didn't quite know if those patterns have always been there or the mushies produced them (they were obviously produced by them). They looked euclidean, which means they go on forever on a plane, so they didn't get bigger or smaller in any direction (sorta like this arabic-seamless-pattern-background-vector-stylish-texture-black-white-color-ethnic-line-islamic-pattern-arabic-seamless-123440325.jpg ).

So I go to the couch and after some more minutes I notice more complex fractal patters, now with size changes and movement. I think the first ones looked like some sort of evil clown smiles, which were fascinating and not frightening at all. They then changed to eyes. I was really happy and impressed and if I looked at them I would get hypnotized until I realize I should look somewhere else. I would then get on the floor and start looking at them really closely. Before having this experience I thought you could abstract yourself from the hallucinations and see the world like you usually do, but the patterns were real, I couldn't see the tiles how they normally were anymore.

I changed the playlist to the Ozric Tentacles one but I felt the music was completely secondary, which I felt kinda disappointing but I realized it was probably because I was paying too much attention to the new stuff I was discovering.

After some time on the ground looking at the fractals move and change, I looked at my cat and she had patterns moving from her nose to the rest of the body. It was fucking amazing. Sorta like this but her fur patterns were moving, not changing colors like a rainbow 1bc.gif (it's a gif, open it)

I started to get more and more amazed at the patterns on the floor, and started laying more and more on the ground. Now up to this point the patterns were only present on the surfaces but not on my hands or body, until they started getting more and more intense. I saw tigers on the fractals (sorta like this MC-Escher-Fish-Pattern.jpg ), and my hands started to produce patterns too. I realize the music and the patterns and the way my body felt started to connect more and more and I was so amazed and impressed that I just couldn't help laugh a little thinking how the hell do they do it (both the band and the mushrooms).

 

Now I have a friend living abroad who recently started having lots of experiences with mushrooms and we agreed that we should take them together sometime. I felt I should talk to her and tell her all of this, that I understood everything she told me and I just couldn't believe this. So I grabbed my phone (horrible idea don't do it specially if it's your first time) and started sending her some messages, which I found really hard to do since I just couldn't coordinate very well, she thought I was drunk. The messages were completely unintelligible so I asked her if we could call each other, to which she said yes and received her call. It was really hard to express myself, and I felt quite shy trying to tell her what was going on, but I finally said I had consumed shrooms and she got real happy and welcomed me to the shrooms world, shared a few more words and I realized this was a bad idea since I was calling at night and she was in a park or so, also at night. So we ended the call and I put the phone down feeling quite happy, going back to the floor to see the fractals.

 

I got to a point were I was laying down on the floor completely hypnotized and happy, looking at the fractals, realizing they looked more alive than ever. They started to look like some organic tissue, as if the floor was made out of some translucent skin with some kind of liquids and organisms moving beneath. Now something interesting happened here, since I was trying to draw on paper what I was looking at (which I found impossible to do since they were constantly changing) I tried using the pencil over the tiles, like trying to trace the moving patterns. When I did that I saw this organic tissue react as if I had hurt it, much like touching a snail's eye. So I immediately stopped.

 

This stuff wouldn't stop getting more and more intense and I felt like everything was resonating, as if the music, the fractals, the sensations, just everything was coupled. I started feeling so so happy, so grateful for being alive, and suddenly I felt like I understood everything. I understood life, I understood existence, understood why we are here, what we have to do with our lives (which I later found to be rubbish, but I don't want to enter a debate). I noticed I just couldn't stop sticking my tongue out (like classic acid pictures) and rolling my eyes in ecstasy.

 

My cat was a super high energy fractal ball of fur by now. When I touched her it was the most pleasurable material I've ever touched. Like the fluffiest thickest thing ever. I basically spent a lot of time on the ground looking and feeling. Breathing felt like filling my body with a very powerful high energy air.

 

Now remember I had my phone completely active by now, so I had access to chatting with whoever I want, and when I said it is a bad idea to get your phone, I meant it is a REALLY bad idea. I had the urge to tell everybody how fucking great life and happiness are, even my mom... I usually have very sweaty hands so my phone tends to do stuff by itself after touching it, and I realized that I was accidentally opening a bunch conversations which then led me to think that I had sent a bunch of accidental messaged to a lot of people including my family, which was a very very bad thing. Luckily nothing happened.

 

All went downhill from this point so I'm gonna end this here.

 

Hope you don't find this boring, since I'm a noob at these experiences. If I remember more stuff I'm gonna update it.

Thank you for reading!

 


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#2 Guy1298

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Posted 05 June 2021 - 08:32 PM

Nice report, thanks for sharing. 

 

I've had many run-ins with negative thoughts on mushrooms. I honestly have had thoughts and visions of hurting people and myself. It was a run-in with satan... :). It's never happened again and I don't actually think it could happen again, like it all got out of my system then and that was it. 

 

I remember once on a very large dose calling 911. The person on the other end appeared to be myself. I remember having said to him, "Hey, you're me." Funny thing, I woke up the next morning and saw that I had never dialed 911. That was a very large dose. 


Edited by Guy1298, 05 June 2021 - 08:32 PM.

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#3 Kidbuu

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Posted 05 June 2021 - 08:45 PM

Nice report, thanks for sharing. 

 

I've had many run-ins with negative thoughts on mushrooms. I honestly have had thoughts and visions of hurting people and myself. It was a run-in with satan... :). It's never happened again and I don't actually think it could happen again, like it all got out of my system then and that was it. 

 

I remember once on a very large dose calling 911. The person on the other end appeared to be myself. I remember having said to him, "Hey, you're me." Funny thing, I woke up the next morning and saw that I had never dialed 911. That was a very large dose. 

THANK YOU. You made me feel better. Those thoughts you mentioned are exactly what I experienced (except hurting someone else). I'm glad to know it can get better. I feel really frightened though but I could try again in the future, maybe with microdosing.


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#4 YoshiTrainer

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Posted 05 June 2021 - 09:05 PM

3.3g w/lemon for your first time is no joke, glad you had a mostly enjoyable trip! Phones are evil, even when you are not tripping! Mushrooms can be very fun and colorful so people take them for "party" purposes. Mushrooms can also be very insightful and humbling, those can be the most memorable trips. Often these trips bring forward thoughts you have pushed to the back of your mind or been putting off dealing with. Sometimes you see yourself in a different way and it all clicks. Other times the fog clears and you realise you are at the base of a huge mountain but ready to climb. I can think of 1 trip in particular where I changed a major aspect about the way I was living....for the better :)

You certainly don't have to trip to be a member here, I rarely have time to. I haven't taken as deep of a mental dive as you did in a long time, usually just mini doses. For a regular or heavy dose, I'd rather be in the forest, near a river or at a quiet beach than indoors. That being said, it is amazing how much music can affect your trip and fur friends are the best!

Here is a link to an incredible post written by Elfstone, it is about a traditional Velada ceremony.

https://mycotopia.ne...ceremony/page-1
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#5 Guy1298

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Posted 06 June 2021 - 12:10 AM

Yeah, I know about the fear and terror too. :). It sounds like you had a pretty impactful experience. 

 

Some people here will say to use much larger doses than you did... mid-sized doses being the "no-man's land". I'd say do what is right for you. Lower doses in the range < 2g are much less difficult in that way and, in my experience, are very healing and enjoyable as well. 


Edited by Guy1298, 06 June 2021 - 12:13 AM.

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#6 Kidbuu

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Posted 06 June 2021 - 08:12 AM

3.3g w/lemon for your first time is no joke, glad you had a mostly enjoyable trip! Phones are evil, even when you are not tripping! Mushrooms can be very fun and colorful so people take them for "party" purposes. Mushrooms can also be very insightful and humbling, those can be the most memorable trips. Often these trips bring forward thoughts you have pushed to the back of your mind or been putting off dealing with. Sometimes you see yourself in a different way and it all clicks. Other times the fog clears and you realise you are at the base of a huge mountain but ready to climb. I can think of 1 trip in particular where I changed a major aspect about the way I was living....for the better :)

You certainly don't have to trip to be a member here, I rarely have time to. I haven't taken as deep of a mental dive as you did in a long time, usually just mini doses. For a regular or heavy dose, I'd rather be in the forest, near a river or at a quiet beach than indoors. That being said, it is amazing how much music can affect your trip and fur friends are the best!

Here is a link to an incredible post written by Elfstone, it is about a traditional Velada ceremony.

https://mycotopia.ne...ceremony/page-1

 

Yeah, the first part was so good, but the other one was so so bad that it destroyed all the happiness, I really thought I had fucked up my life. The next day I felt sad and not knowing what message should I get from the experience. At least I could later think about important stuff about my life.

That ceremony sounds like what I need really. Thanks for sharing.

 

Yeah, I know about the fear and terror too. :). It sounds like you had a pretty impactful experience. 

 

Some people here will say to use much larger doses than you did... mid-sized doses being the "no-man's land". I'd say do what is right for you. Lower doses in the range < 2g are much less difficult in that way and, in my experience, are very healing and enjoyable as well. 

I never thought it would hit me that hard. I feel stupid, like I should have had a one and only reason for taking that kind of dose. My idea was to have a recreational experience, looking at the visuals, playing the music I love, painting, etc. But I was also open to deal with some problems in my life if the occasion arrived. Maybe I should have taken a lower dose and closed my eyes to deal with the thoughts. After all, what's more important, solving one's serious problems or having fun for a few hours?

 


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#7 Arathu

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Posted 06 June 2021 - 09:36 AM

Living fractals that sing to me are always a welcome experience.......cool report......

 

A


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#8 TVCasualty

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Posted 06 June 2021 - 10:50 AM

After all, what's more important, solving one's serious problems or having fun for a few hours?


Yes.

 

 

 

 

The most difficult entheogenic experiences can and often are the most productive (this is not generally the case with synthetic psychedelics). And what's more fun, or pleasurable rather, than successfully solving your serious problems (or even just one of them)? It's all connected...

 

 

Sometimes there's a lot of crap that has to be scooped out of us in order to vastly increase our capacity for ...something much deeper and more enjoyable/profound than mere fun.

 

Being scooped-out is not pleasant. Neither was puberty. Growth and change tend to hurt. I'm glad I went through both, though. Don't want to ever again, of course.

 

But what hurts a lot worse, and leads to truly horrifying psychedelic experiences, is stagnation. I caught just a tiny glimpse of what that feels like once on a very large dose (~10 grams) and it scared the shit out of me. A year later after doing all my assigned homework I had a 6 gram dose that was more blissful and profound than any MDMA I've ever had, without a hint of negativity.

 

In this context 'stagnation' means not fixing what you were shown about yourself that needs fixing. Mushrooms in particular seem to give us homework to do between trips and we'd better do it before we trip again or we risk a very harsh psychedelic spanking (as in you ain't seen nothin' yet, so ALWAYS do your homework!).

 

 

I've tripped with a lot of people over the years in all kinds of settings, and noticed that some don't ever get beyond playing with glow sticks. Somehow the fungi doesn't get around to shoving their faces into their own shortcomings and failures (or losses; unprocessed grief has a way of sneaking up on you with fungi). Again and again they can eat disturbingly-large doses, fuck around with some shiny toys for a few hours, then go to bed like it was just another night of partying. They would have had just as much fun getting drunk, and often did that at the same time, too.

 

But then there are some who get to a point where no matter how much or how little they consume they get consistently confronted by serious shit. Those of us who go that way can find ourselves enduring excruciatingly intense revelations about ourselves and our lives and the kind of people we are vs. who we want to be vs. who we thought we were and all the rest of the mental crap we torture ourselves with. But facing and pushing through that is worth whatever effort it takes to succeed. That said, many trips, even my 6+ gram lime-soaked mega-doses, are pure bliss the whole time with none of the inner-scooping stuff going on. I guess we get rewarded occasionally for doing our homework, and those rewards make enduring all the rest of the shit in life (and the difficult trips) totally worth it. To me, anyway.

 

 

I'm starting to see the occasional harshness of tripping as a kind of psychedelic puberty. It's the rough growth stage between childhood (playing with glow sticks) and adulthood (taking responsibility for the role you play in what happens in the world and acting accordingly, I suppose).

 

From this perspective, traditional shamans/curanderos/etc. and other competent trip guides are just people who have reached psychedelic "adulthood." I also am starting to think that society is so fucked up because some self-serving sociopathic assholes destroyed the original civilizing institution that used to push everyone into "adulthood," which is a necessary condition for civilization to exist (i.e., the Eleusinian Mysteries, and for that matter any psychedelic-based spiritual practices encountered by our culture's spiritually-immature and rapacious colonialism).

 

 

 

I guess all that's to say your experience suggests to me that you're on the (initially) rougher but ultimately FAR more rewarding path of consciousness expansion and inner growth rather than the easier and ultimately dead-end path of what is essentially just playing with yourself.

 

 

Ritualizing tripping might help, but I find it largely superfluous at best and confining, awkward, and uncomfortable/distracting at worst. So it might hurt, too. Follow your Inner Vision (intuition/gut-feeling/whatever) when it comes to that stuff.


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#9 ElPirana

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Posted 06 June 2021 - 10:56 AM

I don’t think we can really control the type of trip we have as much as we think we can. Whatever bad feeling & thoughts came up probably needed to come up, take your time to integrate it and come to terms with it. As Yoshi said, there are thoughts that you’ve pushed to the back of your mind and those can arise in a trip. Rather than resisting what a trip shows you, be open to it. That doesn’t mean following through on acting in a hurtful way, but rather to open to the fact that there are a range of feelings and thoughts that may all be a part of you that has been repressed. Allowing these to arise and not resisting them can be very healing. You can look into working with the shadow/shadow work based on Jungian psychology. This idea has been around much longer in the Hindu teachings of samskaras, and if you’re interested there is a great write-up on how to work with samskaras here: https://hareesh.org/...s-of-past-lives
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#10 FLASHINGROOSTER

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Posted 06 June 2021 - 11:32 AM

Worry not my friend, like they said. The Darkness is all part of the experience.

 

MDMA is the consistent going to pump serotonin out and make you feel amazing drug. Certainly works for partying but can also be incredibly useful for those suffering from dark thoughts. It acts like a truth serum of sorts, allowing people to talk about things that were once crippling. In a clinical setting I think people should take it and talk to psychologist to work through painful memories

 

Mushrooms provide such a wider range of emotions, an emotional roller coaster that brings those subconscious thoughts right out in front for you to see. Sometimes we don't like whats inside us, and it scares us, but ultimately it can be a cathartic process recognizing our faults and working to try to correct them

 

I think that "little teachers"line is the best description behind the power of mushrooms


Edited by FLASHINGROOSTER, 06 June 2021 - 11:34 AM.

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#11 YoshiTrainer

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Posted 06 June 2021 - 12:55 PM

"That ceremony sounds like what I need really. Thanks for sharing."

I wasn't suggesting you should try this method, more showing you other's uses for mushrooms and how they are an integrated part of their lives. Plus Elfstone's writing and knowledge about the subject is incredible! There is nothing wrong with enjoying mushrooms recreationally. I saw Pink Floyd live on 4 grams and had tears of joy flowing as the music washed over me. Many camping trips, laughing and exploring. Like others have mentioned you don't always get to decide, mushrooms will take you where you need to be.
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#12 Kidbuu

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Posted 06 June 2021 - 02:00 PM

[...]

 

But what hurts a lot worse, and leads to truly horrifying psychedelic experiences, is stagnation. I caught just a tiny glimpse of what that feels like once on a very large dose (~10 grams) and it scared the shit out of me. A year later after doing all my assigned homework I had a 6 gram dose that was more blissful and profound than any MDMA I've ever had, without a hint of negativity.

 

In this context 'stagnation' means not fixing what you were shown about yourself that needs fixing. Mushrooms in particular seem to give us homework to do between trips and we'd better do it before we trip again or we risk a very harsh psychedelic spanking (as in you ain't seen nothin' yet, so ALWAYS do your homework!).

[...]

 

But then there are some who get to a point where no matter how much or how little they consume they get consistently confronted by serious shit. Those of us who go that way can find ourselves enduring excruciatingly intense revelations about ourselves and our lives and the kind of people we are vs. who we want to be vs. who we thought we were and all the rest of the mental crap we torture ourselves with. But facing and pushing through that is worth whatever effort it takes to succeed. That said, many trips, even my 6+ gram lime-soaked mega-doses, are pure bliss the whole time with none of the inner-scooping stuff going on. I guess we get rewarded occasionally for doing our homework, and those rewards make enduring all the rest of the shit in life (and the difficult trips) totally worth it. To me, anyway.

 

[...]

 

I guess all that's to say your experience suggests to me that you're on the (initially) rougher but ultimately FAR more rewarding path of consciousness expansion and inner growth rather than the easier and ultimately dead-end path of what is essentially just playing with yourself.

[...]

 

I totally understand and agree completely, plus I'd like to thank you for sharing your wisdom. The problem is that I really don't know what kind of message I received. It was totally bizarre, like I don't even think there's a real message about myself, at least not a clear one. Maybe I have to analyze it really hard to understand what the hell happened. One thing led to another and I ended up in a crazy nonsense loop that I couldn't get out of my mind. I went from super happy and grateful for being alive, to having the need to die. Then my reasoning + inner strength made me realize it was nonsense, so I could get out, but then the thoughts came back, all of this over and over again, for 2 and a half hours.

 

I did get one message though, which is something that I already knew but I guess it forced me to think about it the next day, which is what I want to do with my life. But it's so hard to come up with something when you're completely lost.

 

Thanks once again for your words. I'm totally gonna leave recreation behind for now. It's time to think.

 

I don’t think we can really control the type of trip we have as much as we think we can. Whatever bad feeling & thoughts came up probably needed to come up, take your time to integrate it and come to terms with it. As Yoshi said, there are thoughts that you’ve pushed to the back of your mind and those can arise in a trip. Rather than resisting what a trip shows you, be open to it. That doesn’t mean following through on acting in a hurtful way, but rather to open to the fact that there are a range of feelings and thoughts that may all be a part of you that has been repressed. Allowing these to arise and not resisting them can be very healing. You can look into working with the shadow/shadow work based on Jungian psychology. This idea has been around much longer in the Hindu teachings of samskaras, and if you’re interested there is a great write-up on how to work with samskaras here: https://hareesh.org/...s-of-past-lives

That sounds promising. I'd like to try something like that. I feel it's what I need. I feel I need to solve this problem which will change my entire life, and I need to do it fast. I just have to find the way to gain the enlightenment I need.

 

Worry not my friend, like they said. The Darkness is all part of the experience.

 

MDMA is the consistent going to pump serotonin out and make you feel amazing drug. Certainly works for partying but can also be incredibly useful for those suffering from dark thoughts. It acts like a truth serum of sorts, allowing people to talk about things that were once crippling. In a clinical setting I think people should take it and talk to psychologist to work through painful memories

 

Mushrooms provide such a wider range of emotions, an emotional roller coaster that brings those subconscious thoughts right out in front for you to see. Sometimes we don't like whats inside us, and it scares us, but ultimately it can be a cathartic process recognizing our faults and working to try to correct them

 

I think that "little teachers"line is the best description behind the power of mushrooms

I totally get it. Do you think I should try microdosing some weeks from now? With a more open mind to thoughts and no music or recreational purposes. Or should I try to meditate on my own? Like TV said, I should follow my gut, but since I don't have experience with this I don't know how helpful it can be
 


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#13 Oldpunk

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Posted 06 June 2021 - 02:41 PM

So it sounds like you had quite a ride. Some of those negative thoughts at the end can be messages from yourself about things you'd like to improve....or even just accept as being the way they are. When I was younger I had a lot of those negative endings and it led me to not like mushrooms that much. It was usually about my station in life or my personal relationships.

I didn't take mushrooms for a long time, during which time I struggled with addiction to much more destructive drugs. I'm in my mid 40s now and cleaned up my life a bit. And I haven't had those negative endings to the trips lately. Perhaps it's age....or maybe just acceptance of who I am-how I am.

Tripping can be scary sometimes, but what scares you is sometimes what you need to face to find peace with yourself.

Hope that doesn't sound like a psychiatrist. Reading other people's accounts kinda makes ya re-examine my own thoughts. Hope your experience settled in as a positive thing overall.

And I've got to agree that phones are bad. I try to power mine down and not touch it. Last time I had so much feelings of gratitude I turned it on and sent messages to half a dozen people. Although it wasn't bad. I wished I had just left it off.
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#14 Kidbuu

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Posted 07 June 2021 - 09:13 AM

The fact that you cleaned up your life is probably the reason why your trips changed for the better. Like TV said, you have to do your homework.

I'm actually finding myself a bit more productive in terms of trying to build the next stage of my life. I'm in the middle of a transition, from two completely different parts of my life.

Thanks for sharing


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#15 livefrom215

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Posted 07 June 2021 - 12:10 PM

Congrats on your first trip bro!! Im sorry to hear it got a bit disturbing at the end, I can relate! I ate 2.5 grams while on vacation around 9:15pm and didn't feel anything got a bit disappointed then around 11:30 everything changed. I had actually tried to go to bed and as I was watching tv this intense anxiety set it and the racing thoughts took control from that point forward I was just waiting for it to end. I think what got me to that point was that I was in an uncomfortable place and felt like I had to be quiet because my entire family was sleeping in the shore house we had rented. I too told myself that I would never do them again due to the anxiety I experienced but after thinking about it I realized that I have to get in touch with my underlying cause of anxiety, find out why I end up feeling that way. Your not alone Kidbuu!! I'm glad you shared your experience and I hope your next trip if there is one is a good one. Much love, keep shining!!


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#16 livefrom215

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Posted 07 June 2021 - 01:01 PM

Sorry wanted to add this.... I think its therapeutic to speak about your experience even the darker side of it. Knowing that other people have shared similar experiences could give you some peace of mind. I completely understand not wanting to share personal things about yourself but getting that off your chest to people you will probably never meet could be easier then speaking to those you see more often. I could also be completely wrong... Id be happy to listen though!


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#17 Oldpunk

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Posted 07 June 2021 - 03:06 PM

Nope... You are not wrong.

And im sure everyone here has had some real rough experiences. I know I have. That's why we can relate and not pass judgements. We've been there.
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#18 FLASHINGROOSTER

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Posted 07 June 2021 - 04:28 PM

I have a great time on the low dose trips too. Often under a gram.

 

Mirco dosing is going to be basically such a low dose that you don't really feel it. I have not done this myself but others have enjoyed it. I suppose I just became a bit of a low dose weekend warrior for a while. I did like that but have not been doing it as much lately.

 

Waiting in between doses usually increases the potency, I find the fractals are hard for me to see these days. But hitting that euphoria pocket off a half gram dose can be very enjoyable.

 

Personally I have not played around with meditation and mushrooms. The closest thing to it happened by accident one time. I went outside on a really high dose at nigh one time. The wind was really strong so it became a white background noise that cancelled everything else out. I laid down on the grass and stared up at the sky. I remember crying because I was so happy, it was pretty awesome experience that I have not been able to re create since.


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#19 Kidbuu

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Posted 07 June 2021 - 08:18 PM

Well I guess you're all right, plus I don't think anybody looking for first trip reports will go this far into this topic. I'll explain, but I warn you, it doesn't make much sense.

 

Here's what happened:

So basically the good part lasted for about 2 hours, a bit less maybe. I got up to a point where I was not in control anymore. Everything I was doing was automatic, and I don't know exactly what triggered the hell I experienced, but I suppose that was part of it.

I don't remember the order of events, but I think I first got paranoid thinking I just ruined my life using the phone or by doing illegal drugs at 2 am, I checked if the police was out there.

I started having weird thoughts, something like we should end with humans or life itself (for no reason that I can remember). For some reason I started to think that suicide was the only way to save whatever (nature, reality, idk). I got real scared. Like I was convinced that I had to kill myself. Then I thought I didn't care if I died, not caring what my family or friends would think since I'd be gone.

I wanted to go to bed and end this trip (not my life) but it was really hard because I couldn't get my mind together on what steps I should follow, which didn't help at all. I stopped the music, turned off the computer and the lights.

Then for some reason I thought my time to die had come. I was TRULY TRULY convinced that I was going to die. I laid on my bed, my heart was beating hard, I was totally prepared and convinced I was gonna die. Then I thought it was just the mushrooms and that it was impossible to die that way, and when the effect goes away I'm gonna be alright, so I got up. But then the thoughts came back again, this time thinking I should kill myself, and the loop started. For 2 hours and a half I couldn't stop the loop of "I should commit suicide-It's just the shrooms-I should help save nature-I should commit suicide...." and so on.

All that time I was in my bed trying to sleep, which was impossible. Not only my mind was hell due to the unstoppable loop, my body was still reacting automatically, like my eyes were rolling or my fingers flexing, which led me to think that I had completely fucked up my brain, and that I had become mentally ill forever.

 

Seriously this was shit, and as you may also notice, it doesn't make sense.

One thing I remember is that at some point I felt like I should get rid of some stuff that didn't feel part of me. These were my ear piercings (which I've gotten made 3 months ago) and something I had on my drawer that I'm too embarrassed to say what it is (it's not a gun or anything bad). I didn't remove my piercings but I did move the other thing next to the trash.

 

By the way I must clarify, there were two times in my life where I had suicidal thoughts (but never wanted to actually do it, I just thought it would be relieving to die and that I couldn't care less if I died). One of them was a good portion of highschool, and the other time was last year for a short period of time which I totally overcame.


Edited by Kidbuu, 07 June 2021 - 08:22 PM.

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#20 Oldpunk

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Posted 07 June 2021 - 11:13 PM

Damn yo.

It's alright. You're not the only one to have that experience. But im sorry to hear you went through that loop. Those are hard thoughts to roll through. I've had a couple times like that too.

But even though life is rough, I hope you came away from it glad you're still here.

A heartfelt "peace to you" Kidbuu
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