There are Bones in the Road.
To give you an idea of the scope of my meditations on the subject, I could give you a page count for the amount I've written. But it would be quicker for me to put them on a scale and weigh them. Pounds.
I'm writing this; at this point, despondent; both because the vision I've developed allows me to see a world that has convinced me that hope is, at best, misplaced, and at worst, a distraction; and also because, to use the words of Joseph Chilton Pearce, I've "Cracked through the cosmic egg" far enough that It's literally impossible for me to communicate what I've seen to those who haven't been there.
Which puts me in a precarious spot, because on some level, I'm still 'Human'; I still have a need to connect and share with other human beings. To be seen. To be understood.
The problem in communicating, however, could be said to be language itself- but this doesnt go far enough towards actually explaining the issue. We all possess an internal Conceptual-dictionary; one that's shared, consensus style, with everyone else who lives in our culture, our world. These definitions are continually reinforced through every social interaction we have; be it through conversation, or the media we consume. This becomes problematic because these definitions are simplified, pix-elated versions of their larger, untampered-with true-selves....
Meaning, that to really communicate a shred of what I've seen, how I feel, I need to stop, point out and break down these simplified, distorted concepts- something that would take at least 100,000 words as an INTRODUCTION.
But here I am, feeling emotionally dead, wanting to connect on a 'human' level.
I'm frustrated because I can't NOT see the limitations this 'language' we use places on true communication. Because, besides the purely selfish motivation to get some form of emotional support, I have no intention to merely 'share' what I've seen- This is the paradigm we're used to; Click 'share' Click 'Submit' Click 'Tweet" 'Click Publish".... Just because we take it for granted and give no thought to it; what we accept is NORMAL is not NATURAL.
Transmission of information =/= Reception of Information. In one ear and out the other; more commonly. Or, perhaps the information actually does 'stick'; but rather more like cholesterol clogging artery walls; becoming fixed parts of a continually accumulating belief-construct that obfuscates 'R'eality. ....
Without clearly indicating the limitations of the medium, the intention will fail. Say I want to offer you a drink of wine; but, the only glass available has holes all on one side of it; I'd have to point this out to you, and hand it to you, just so in order that it wouldn't spill all over the floor.
The very paradigm surrounding how we've learned to seek out, and process information is the issue. A general enough statement, and it is as wide-reaching as the statement implies. First, however, considered from a more specific angle; Information as that contained soley within the words we can find, on webpages like these, in books etc...
We're taught that 'truth is subjective'. Especially more so when it comes to hallucinogens. You're trip is your trip, His trip is his trip.... Sure, there are commonalities; but we don't give enough credit to the experience of our peers. Because, "Experts" are the ones who have been given the authority by the cultural priests to dictate what is and what is not "R'eality.
I'm feeling like a whiny bitch.
It comes down to this.
A little over a year ago, I had a series of mushroom trips; the first I'd ever grown, GT; culminating in the most potent psychedelic experience I've ever had, ever.
As a bit of background; I've spent the majority of my adult life 'seeking'; From age twenty onwards; I've lived on the fringes of civilization; Living in Communes in the most remote land imaginable, travelling in school busses, hitch hiking and living under bridges; Living in the Amazon with a family of ayahuasceros, Living in a Monastery.... I haven't owned a cell phone in eight years....
figuring out what the fuck 'R'(capitol r) eality is, has been the driving motivation for my existence....
I'm what you could call a 'sensitive'; to detach this from any disgustingly bubblegum white light new age spirituality; what i mean by this is that when taking any psychedelic substance, I'm prone to blast the fuck off.
As in, for whatever reason, I'm constitutionally of the type that I'm able to let go of control (or grab ahold of it) in a way that allows for incredibly powerful experiences to come through;
Beginning with the first mushroom trip back 12-13 years ago; where I ate only a few (golden teacher iirc), and my friends nearly took me to the hospital (It was an INCREDIBLE experience. thank god they didnt)
Followed intermittently with trips where I ate what I was certain were 'low' doses, only to be 'taken' for a ride that would take me days to come down from fully.
To give the background, to illustrate that when I say 'Potent" psychedelic experience, I really mean this coming from someone who has spent more than a decade essentially being a professional psychonaut.
Flash back to the experience I was referring to a little over a year ago. I had been asking to learn more about the purge process the mushrooms has to offer; all the while using the Velada as a container for the experience thanks to the work shared by Elfstone and Donshadow.
I spent seven or eight hours in the bathroom, with candles, vomitting on and off. I was able to feel the 'not-me' "demons'' "negative entities' within me, specifically located in various 'channels'; and I could grab hold of them, and force them up and out. And, this energy I experienced PHYSICALLY- Some of these entities I experienced as carbonated, or acidic, or spicy.... or they took on more 'solid' forms.... ignoring the 'gross' aspect of this, it was incredibly interesting to see just how many varied forms these energies took on...
It brought to mind 'Mario." climbing through pipes, jumping on 'goombas'... eventually to come to the big boss battle- I was beating 'level' after level.... occasionally coming to mini bossess.... After clearing each 'stage'. I was more embodied and felt more powerful than I ever have before....
It came to the point, where I was literally luminescent. I could see into my body, and see the light-energy flow... It's impossible to describe this experience in a way that could do it justice. I experienced myself, for the first time ever as POWER. As STRENGTH. as SOLID. Pure embodiment to a level beyond any imaginable.
Eventually, I came to locate 'the big boss demon'; I gave it everything trying to expel it from my body; but ended up completely spent and exhausted; It had been 9 hours since I ate the mushrooms the night before, and I'd spent the majority of that 'flipping tables and cracking whips' and excorcising the temple; I had no energy left to finish the job.
I ended up with a terrible case of laryngitis for a few days. And my body decided it didn't need food for 2 weeks. Easiest fast I've ever done.....
It was the straw that broke the camels back; I'd spent a good amount of time in the amazon; and had learned how the people there view the world, with its spirits, and the way in which ayahuasca helps calcify the negative energies within the body in order so that it can expel them; but It'd always been sort of an add on, 'interesting' belief system; despite having experienced it time and again.
It wasn't until this last experience that it really clicked. "This, is REAL" It's existence is independent of our ordinary, everyday lack of recognition. What we can't see, what we dont acknowledge CAN and DOES affect us.
It goes to the core of our being; because, these entities, just like tapeworms and other parasites, become so intertwined with the body, that it becomes nearly impossible to differentiate where they end and where we begin; Emotional States, thoughts, behaviour; these can ALL be influenced by the 'not self'... To 'ground' this into not metaphysical land for those who think that's what I'm talking about; physical parasites have been proven to be able to influence the behavior, and tastes of their hosts.
The bio-spiritual parasites I'm talking about do EXACTLY the same thing. But it takes place on the level of self-identity. The insecurity, anxiety, depression, weakness... All of this is NOT US. We've learned to identify with it, we call it the EGO we accept it as NATURAL because we accept it as normal..... when this is so far from the case.
We have an entire civilization built on this lie. This artificial self /ego is the building block of the individual; forming together to form the larger whole of CULTURE itself.
And, this culture continually replicates itself, and reinforces itself; taking even our 'outside the box' experiences; (just like what I'm sharing right now) and feeding off of it. Resistance is truly futile; at least when using the tools created by this culture...
The master's tools will not bring down the masters house.
So; what ends up happening, is people have these WHOA THIS IS ACTUALLY REAL REALITY experiences, and then coming back and cramming / compressing them into words; which they then share in a book, and then 'make a name for themselves' and go on book tours as a popular author delving into esoteric ideas; and thousands of people read them, and like them, and retweet them and continue to live their 'I'm addicted to my cell phone" suburban life corporate job existence.....
In short. NOTHING FUCKING CHANGES. Which is exactly the point...
It's an issue of Identity.
We've been sold a lie of what it means to be an actual human being.
And that lie looks like Modern 21st century Technoworship civilization.
I'm fully aware of the hypocrisy of my computer use in order to communicate this- but this is part of the point; the control system has progressed so far that I'm reduced to using a technology I completely and totally loathe; one that has direct, negative physiological effects on my animal body (and that of the earth as macro), in order to try to find some manner of solace for the deep, deep. existential pain I'm feeling.
The fact that it is an issue of IDENTITY means that any true attempts to 'solve' the problem require a re-identification to take place. Which is a non-threatening way of saying "a willful suicide'- A full recognition that the "I" I've Identified with since the beginning, is in fact, an artificial construct, one designed to actually keep me from touching the "Real self"....
So, of course, Cognitive dissonance enters the picture, and attempts to discredit and reinterpret this in anyway it possibly can, in order to prevent the dissolution of the false-self. It's a survival mechanism. And IT's STRONG.
It's strong enough that I realize I still have farther to go- and I'm totally fucking terrified of taking the next step.
And I suppose this may be the motivation for writing this; because; there is not really another alternative for me. I've confronted 'R'eality. there's no denying it for me; or at least, once experienced, I can pretend the best I can that it never happened, but there is continually a shadow over the rest of my existence telling me 'This. is. all. a .lie" I don't think it's actually possible for me, no matter how hard "I" may think I want to, to ignore what I've seen and just go back to normal life.... Perhaps before Covid; but now the 'above ground' effects of the deeper reality I've touched are unavoidable on a daily basis...;
I set out searching for an answer to the puzzle of why our world is as fucked as it is; and now that I've convinced myself beyond a shadow of a doubt that I've an answer, one that is continually making more and more sense; sometimes I desperately wish that I never started on this path in the first place.
The only legitamet response I can see to the problem is a complete retreat from Culture; find some off-grid land, build a small cabin, and work intentionally with mushrooms to fix the problem... But I'm not rich; if all goes well I'm at least a few years a way from this.... but the larger issue I see is that I don't see it being all that possible to do this solo.... But then I'm right back to the problem of how to communicate this to other people.....
The longer I isolate myself from the dominant culture, the more difficult it becomes for me to interact with those still trapped in this....
And, the more that I twirl these ideas around, the more hopeless the communication of this appears; Why even try to share what I've seen if it's truly hopeless?
Clearly, I'm between a rock and a hard place.
Tl;Dr It comes down to this.
The entirety of the cultivated mind
All of the religions
All of weekend-warrior new age spirituality
Is aimed at obscuring and distorting a singular idea.
Our. Power. Is . In . Our . Bodies.
We . Are. Physical. Beings.
Abstraction = Dissociation from our source of power.