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Content Warning: Suicide in my Family

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#1 Phineas_Carmichael



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Posted 19 September 2021 - 03:02 AM

I'm working through a death by suicide in my family. My Buddy was only 14 years old... Spectrum-Adjacent... There was a school suspension... There was a handgun... Temporary Impulse... I don't know all the details... Tragic............

Growing up in a Funeral Home showed me the aftermath of suicide among the survivors and stopped me from giving in to my own Temporary Impulses 20 years ago.

[NOTE: Survivors say "Died by" instead of "Committed" suicide. "Committed" is a verb that carries a lot of guilt that we want to avoid projecting onto the victim]

By absolute random chance a few days before the Event that killed my Buddy I started reading a book called called A Long Way Down by Nick Hornby. The premise is that 4 people meet by chance at the top of a tower block (Apartment Building) in London on New Year's Eve, each of them having come there to end their lives by Jumping.

They come together, hate each other, fight, emotionally hurt each other, but in the end have breakfast together on New Year's Day & form a "Gang" of sorts; they continue to hate, hurt, and fight, but they keep each other alive by being assholes & angels to each other...

I'm not quite done with the book yet, but I came across this passage, on page 299 of the paperback edition from 2006 that I just had to share with somebody. I can't share it on the Facebook because it's too little, too late for my Buddy that we put in the ground yesterday and would probably be painful to the rest of the family. I can scream anonymously into the void (and thank you for listening) here on Topia:

I had wanted to kill myself, not because I hated living, but because I loved it. And the truth of the matter is, I think, that a lot of the people who think about killing themselves feel the same way -- I think that's how [the other characters in the Novel] feel. They love life, but it's all fucked up for them, and that's why I met them, and that's why we're all still around.

We were up on the roof because we couldn't find a way back into life, and being shut out of it like that... It just fucking destroys you, man. It's a mercy killing, not a murder.

I've been there. Being Shut Out of Life is so fucking painful, but getting back into Life isn't as hard as it seems.

You can do it!

I'm a little late in Suicide Awareness Month (September) to be posting, I missed Suicide Prevention Day (Sep 10) & Week (the week surrounding the 10th) but every little bit helps, I guess...

If you or anyone you know is struggling with suicidal ideation please reach out...

In the US:
Text HOME to 741741
Live chat:

If you're not in the US, take a second to look at this Wikipedia page for your country:

And if worse comes to worst, send me a private message. I'll be far slower in responding than the above resources, and I'm not a trained counsellor, but I've looked off the ledge and down the barrel in my day. (Permanent solution to a temporary problem and all that bullshit) -- We can talk about how hollow all those platitudes are!

If you give me until Sunset on the day after you message me I promise that we can figure out a way to speak directly and anonymously if you want to...

Keep your sticks on the ice my friends, I'm pulling for you.

Also, thanks for listening.

Edited by Phineas_Carmichael, 19 September 2021 - 04:56 AM.

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#2 Arathu



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Posted 19 September 2021 - 06:32 AM

That's really sad....Sorry to hear that......may you find peace with it in your time and way....


I find a strange comfort, personally speaking, in the fact that I cannot fathom suicide as an answer to anything......



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#3 pharmer



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Posted 19 September 2021 - 12:33 PM

Sorry Phineas,


there's just no preparing for a thing like this.


keep your chin up


you have a good head on your shoulders, I'm sure you'll handle this well.

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#4 Mycol



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Posted 19 September 2021 - 12:47 PM

That’s rough Phin, my heart goes out to you and yours . Times are very tough right now and don’t look to be getting better anytime soon but it is darkest before the dawn . Every month is suicide prevention month . I’m worried about our Afghan vets now too on top of everyone else .
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#5 Juthro


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Posted 19 September 2021 - 01:48 PM

I'm sorry for yours, and your family's loss, Phin.

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#6 Skywatcher


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Posted 19 September 2021 - 03:12 PM

So sorry Phineas.

Not the time or place to share my own and my families past on this subject, but I do know well the painful hurt and confusion you feel. My heart goes out to you and your family.

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#7 YoshiTrainer


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Posted 19 September 2021 - 03:19 PM

Good luck to you and your family Phineas!
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Posted 20 September 2021 - 05:22 PM

There are some real bitter pills to swallow in life and dealing with suicide is one of them. Those lingering feelings of I should have done this, or what if I only tried this or that, going round and round a million times, caught in the corners of one mind. For the parents, and especially with a young soul, that mechanism can be a dark battle indeed.


Sorry for the heartbreaking news

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#9 Coopdog



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Posted 20 September 2021 - 07:44 PM

So very sorry for your loss my friend. 

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#10 August West

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Posted 20 September 2021 - 09:19 PM

Sorry to hear this. Best to you and yours.

It's good to have had you around all these many years. And to many more...
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#11 Phineas_Carmichael



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Posted 23 September 2021 - 04:32 AM

Thank you all for your kind words (and for those of you who clicked like as a virtual hug) everybody.

If you can, please think of my Little Buddy every time you see a Hawaiian shirt. He loved those things! It sure threw the Funeral Director for a loop when a bunch of us showed up in them and distributed Leis to black-suited mourners!

I'm OK. I want to reassure you all that I'm not going anywhere; y'all are stuck with me and my occasional posts until I can't type anymore...

Edited by Phineas_Carmichael, 23 September 2021 - 04:38 AM.

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#12 ethnobotanist420


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Posted 28 September 2021 - 03:04 AM

I’m sorry for your loss, man. I never know what to say in these situations... but I’d like to say something if that’s alright...

I have to say you got me with the Hawaiian shirt thing... they were my grandpas favourite as well. When he passed Mrs. Ethno and I put him in his favourite Hawaiian shirt before she cremated him (she works in the funeral industry). It made my family so happy to see him like that and we all wore one in his honour at his funeral.

I just wanna say, for whatever it’s worth, I’m definitely going to think of him now when I see a Hawaiian shirt or even think of my grandpa...

My heart goes out to you and your family. If you ever wanna chat feel free to PM me.
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