18 replies to this topic

[RiseUp]

So I’m going to keep this for my benefit and maybe others. I’m pretty naive and most people will likely think duh, but it is what it is.

I’ll generally get coffee at a nearby gas station in the morning. Was always greeted warmly and with smiles. Now it’s a bit distant and transactional. Why? Because they’ve learned I live in my car. So my entire being has changed because of external circumstances. Incredibly interesting.

While at the library I overheard a conversation, was unavoidable due to volume, about the current objects being shot down. An older gentleman made the remark it’s china releasing chemical warfare and the democrats will do nothing. The young man very calmly stated the current administration has professionals and our military will inform our president of any attacks. The older gentleman wasn’t agreeable because of do nothing democrats. The young man made a great attempt at changing the subject and asked what policies during the last administration was he for and what policies was he against during this administration. The older man looked a bit confused and said have a good day. Young man was relieved.

Donating plasma isn’t tax free. You donate the plasma and they pay you for your time. Supposed to report on taxes. Found that rather disappointing, but grateful for the center.

My database instructor is a conspiracy theorist. Told me she hates to say it, but she was right about the vaccines. Of course my big mouth opened and talked about mutations and an icu nurse I know that went through multiple patients dying which wasn’t normal. Not sure I’ll pass this class now. Really need to just be silent.

If you have to sleep in your vehicle during winter get a sleeping bag longer than you. Wet wipes are a must for those with hemorrhoids. Just trust me.

So now I’m in a different class of people. I find it really interesting how people treat me differently. It resembles when I had long hair and beard, but lower. I wish I could hear their thoughts. Ohhhh that would be incredibly fun.


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[Juthro]

There is always going to be people who will judge you unfairly for any number of reasons.  Weight, hight, color of skin, the way you talk, where you born, where you live, ect.... The list is truly endless.

 

Knowing this doesn't make it any easier to deal with, but it also does no good to obsess over it.  I know first hand that this is easier said than done, but I've found it does help to take a moment to remind yourself that we are all humans, and there is no scoreboard at the end of our run.  Be true to yourself, and be the best you that you can be. If you can do those things, and it's not easy, then your a winner by my measure.

Edited by Juthro, 14 February 2023 - 01:54 PM.

[RiseUp]

The memories of the rain hitting the cabins metal roof seemed to gently take me into a deep sleep. Not in a car people. It’s loud. It’s like a giant humming vibration. It’s amazing when bursts of rain come followed by it tapering off. After a good 20-30 minute rain the silence is penetrating. Quite an experience. I’d like to be on a shroom ride during one of these just to see.

Not looking forward to hail. No shroom with hail.

Saw an excellent job I’d like to apply for, but not quite finished yet. Maybe another will come along after finishing.


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[Juthro]

That brings back memories....

 

My wife and I used to live in a travel trailer on the Oregon coast and I remember it raining so hard at times that I couldn't turn the TV up loud enough to hear.  

[RiseUp]

So after 7 months of nicotine and caffeine life led me to some edibles and Skywalker. 30mg and a few puffs and I was planted firmly into a nice comfy sofa. Laughed like old times and really enjoyed. Felt the tension releasing. Following day I was loose as a goose. Motivation wise as heavy as a well fed pig in slop. Was a great break.

Noticed I’m not near as reactive as before. Won’t say not reactive all the time, but even family noticed a change in my presence.

Still trying to wrestle the politics reactivity away. That still gets me and can’t find the lever to release it, but working on it.


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[Juthro]

Still trying to wrestle the politics reactivity away. That still gets me and can’t find the lever to release it, but working on it.
 

 

If you figure that one out my friend please let me know :)

[RiseUp]

So I stay at truck stops. I stay out of truckers way and I confirm it’s okay to sleep there. I always go in and purchase a coffee in the morning because I can’t pay for overnight parking.

Lately the staff has been charging me less or telling me to go on with it. This happened before and it made me feel weird. Now I’m more accepting and I smile and say thank you. What I observe is them also smiling.

Maybe by not accepting their generosity I’m taking away a bit of sunshine from them? I’ve never thought about it that way before.

So far this has been a good experience. I’m learning more about me and other people. Hope it continues.


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[Coopdog]

Much love man, and I sure understand. I do my best to treat everyone well and with a welcoming positive attitude, but having had some hair raising experiences in the last few years with some genuinely mentally impaired street people, I am more guarded, in particular to getting in my personal space. Now I am more reserved until I read the situation, and act accordingly, and above all, I TRUST MY INSTINCTS when I pull up to a place where this is a constant. If the energy is off I just move on down the road to some other place to get my groceries or whatever. Just Tuesday night I went against my instincts and went into a place when it didn't feel right, and found the night manager pretty shook up. Apparently he tried to physically stop a trio of women from walking out with an entire cart full of groceries and their male companion popped out of nowhere and put a big gun in his face and scared him pretty bad. They had just drove off as I pulled up. I try to love everyone the same, but man the world is getting to be a scary place. I hate seeing the changes in myself in that regard, but I have a life to live and family to take care of too. Wishing you well, and hoping your situation gets better. Hang it there man.

[RiseUp]

Today was hard. Not because of anything on the outside, but in my mind. Guy1298 would absolutely love this situation. Nothing to do. Today I wished I had Guys ability to sit for hours and feel peace. I’m more 30-40 minutes and then things run smoother, but today was a hard no. Couldn’t let go. Mind constantly jumping from one criticism and judgement to another. Shredded some people then pictured them smiling and happy. Why? Dunno really. Some hair brained idea of mine to plant light and not darkness. Anytime my mind judges or shreds someone (because I’m sooo much better hehe) I see them smiling and happy with friends or family in a good place. Just started this not long ago and don’t know exactly why.

Hopefully tomorrow will be lighter.


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[RiseUp]

So my previous post about criticizing and demolishing others was secondary to stress. Don’t have it now currently. Maybe that’s why I picture those individuals smiling because it’s not real. It’s a outside factor having an impact causing discomfort. That’s how I see it anyway.

Not sure what the stress was about specifically. One of those days maybe? Don’t know. Thankful not to feel it now.

Mid-terms in a couple weeks. Can’t believe it’s been a bit over 2 years and ending in May. Not over, but man it’s been a ride.

Still concerned about my age and getting hired, but hopefully my enthusiasm for learning will win them over. If asked not sure how to discuss past career. I’m thinking of saying totally burned to a crisp to prevent getting in depth on the part of healthcare I experienced. I dunno.

Raining and sitting by the river. It’s really moving. Nice.


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[RiseUp]

So something interesting happened. Many moons ago Alder mentioned not looking for work, but that work would find me. Of course it sounded fantastic then my mind said LOL you’re going to die idiot! Find a job. So numerous applications sent out with no luck. Yesterday I was offered to apply for a position. There are others that will be applying, but that’s never happened to me before. A simple email informing me he’d like for me to apply.

Interview is next week. Have to see how it goes, but that email made me think of Alders statement.

Everything else is up and down which I know everyone can understand. Almost dark so time to head to my sleeping place.


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[RiseUp]

I rented a motel room for 2 nights. I need some good sound comfortable sleep. Why do I feel guilty though? Is it because I have no money coming in aside from plasma or the fact I don't have a job? Why can't I feel good about being able to get a good couple nights sleep? Doesn't make any sense really. A bath man. Going to soak in a hot bath and let my muscles and joints relax yet my mind says otherwise. Kinda weird.

 

On my way here saw a woman with a sign that said recently widowed at the stoplight. You ever seen these people? I gave her what I could. Could she be scamming me? Sure. Could she be hurting? Sure. Did my being feel right doing it? Yes.

 

Ya'll have a great weekend.

[Juthro]

We all deserve to give ourselves a little bit of comfort from time to time.  I understand where you are coming from though, I often question myself when I do something I want to but that is not a necessary expense.  Often it is nothing more then eating out instead of waiting until I get home to cook my own food. In the realm of things it's not a huge expense, but that doesn't keep me from feeling guilty about it though :)

 

I guess what I'm saying is no matter what 'it' is, sometimes you just have to treat yourself to a little kindness friend. I hope you let yourself enjoy your minor luxury, I'm sure you've earned it.

[RiseUp]

Well the gin and tonic sure made me sleep like a dead person.


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[RiseUp]

The gin and tonic. You know what? The hangover wasn’t natural. It sank me down in my spirit, or outlook on life. It was parasitic in nature. Incredibly uncomfortable. Soul sucking even. Like life pulling life from me. My mind went so deep and low there was no light. Just dread, indifference, and dystopia. That absolutely sucked. Wonder if it’s from previously having been a thirsty fish, or a way of telling me no more? I’m thinking the latter. Doesn’t mean it won’t come , but not today.


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[Myc]

Alcohol is a depressant.

From personal experience I find that I use alcohol to soothe feelings of loneliness and isolation. Over the years I have found that while my perceived problems are always present - my perception of those problems can vary greatly depending upon my mental state. Alcohol tends to lend itself to a low-energy state of mind (as in - depression). Ceasing alcohol use really helps when I decide to change my mind and view things in a more positive light.

 

I work in the alcohol industry - making, packaging, and distributing alcoholic beverages. It's not easy but every now and again I try to take a week off just to see if I still can. I always seem to feel way better about things after the second day or so of abstinence.

[ElPirana]

It’s good to listen to yourself. If you’re feeling that it’s not beneficial, listen to it!

[RiseUp]

It’s not that I don’t want to listen, it’s the increasing pressure/stress. I can walk, read, jam or whatever, but getting smashed somehow melts the pressure for a short period. Now though it’s nuts. I haven’t felt that low since the heat index was 118 and fans blew hot air. It was a trip. Hopefully something will present itself to assist in relieving pressure.


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[RiseUp]

Well nothing presented itself in relieving the pressure. Bastard. It's been quite a couple weeks though. Classes cancelled due to weather and instructors sick which basically just means more down time. After last semester being behind and staying busy all the time I find this semester I'm wanting more to do to stay busy. Kinda crazy really because last semester I was going nuts trying to keep from failing with all the work and now I'm like gliding and I'm still bitching. I can be such a cunt to myself.

I've sent out 78 applications so far this year. I did get an interview recently that I was asked to come to without applying. Haven't heard anything back and honestly don't expect to. Not one question about knowledge regarding computer information systems. Not that I know a lot. I know entry level stuff and maybe a bit more in networking because well that shit rocks, but I don't look for a call back.

So Me? How the hell am I supposed to answer questions about myself. I mean aren't we basically flying through space on a giant rock with the inevitability of our star roasting us at some point? WTF do you want me to say? I'm a loving man and a hateful man. I totally ambitious and lazy. I'm considerate and inconsiderate. I listen and ignore. I'm everything. Given the right circumstances I could likely do anything. Ya know what I mean?

If anyone has advice on interviews I'd appreciate the feedback. In my past profession it was what I KNEW and not who i AM. I've looked up some basics on the internet. Basically sounds like I need to research the company. Find as much out as possible and lie.

Edited by RiseUp, 14 April 2023 - 08:12 PM.