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Tell me about your hard lives


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#1 phalanx

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Posted 30 March 2005 - 08:57 PM

Sometimes i think i have or had a hard life, but then i look at other people who make my life look like a bed of roses.

What is a hard life? The least amount of happiness/enjoyment?

How much bullshit do you have to put up with at the moment?

What was the hardest period of your life?

everyone's lives seem to be hard in some way, regardless of superficial advantages.

#2 destroy_erase_improve

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Posted 30 March 2005 - 09:04 PM

http://mycotopia.net...read.php?t=2889
there ya go

im feeling much better by the way
but it just goes to show you that we all go through our ups and downs just the same as you
:D

#3 bipolar

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Posted 30 March 2005 - 10:36 PM

Was beat by my father at least twice a week as a kid. Left home at 16, quit school to be able to support myself. Never have been able to get a job that paid over min wage. 3 failed marriges which the good thing is my 2 beautiful daughters. Went back to school for my GED and a course in Industrial Electronics. About 9 months into it got hurt at work, screwed by the laywers, had 2 back surgeries and am still fighting for disability after 14 years. Child support folks are fixing to throw my ass in jail, no medications work for the pain I have every day except pot and my current wife wont let me smoke it.
Hey, at least I'm alive!

#4 myceliod

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Posted 31 March 2005 - 02:48 AM

I love you guys!

#5 Hippie3

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Posted 31 March 2005 - 09:01 AM

i have a little dick
that won't even get hard.
try beating that...

#6 destroy_erase_improve

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Posted 31 March 2005 - 09:44 AM

i have a little dick
that won't even get hard.
try beating that...


lol
is that an entry for your wife as well?
sounds like a sob story that you both share :P

damn bipolar, that does suck. at least your family is healthy and happy though . kids are a special thing. :)

#7 phalanx

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Posted 31 March 2005 - 10:03 PM

Bipolar, that is a fairly sad story but at least you are still alive like you say, and so have the potential to make changes.

Hippie3, that is a bummer but at least you still have a dick. I have a friend who says he has a little dick. He is depressed about it so he drinks too much and now can't get a hard-on either, so he gets more depressed and drinks more etc.

I remember you saying you once were so poor that you were sleeping rough and had to shoplift your Christmas dinner. That must have been a fairly bad buzz.

DEI, you are too happy and optimistic to get any sympathy.:)

#8 destroy_erase_improve

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Posted 31 March 2005 - 11:47 PM

lol
damn.
who woulda known that being positive would work against me in the end.
:D jk

#9 Sweetness

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Posted 01 April 2005 - 10:06 AM

I work out of a 2nd story condo surrounded by trees. Feels like a treehouse now that spring is here and the leaves are filling the spaces. I've been watching this woodpecker make a hole big enough to fit almost his entire body in. Now thats a job that totally sux.

Props to you guys for hanging in and being there for the rest of us despite the rough spots in your journey.

#10 phalanx

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Posted 01 April 2005 - 12:14 PM

Here is my version of a hard life:

I was happy up until the age of 8 when I was sexually abused by the older brother of my best friend. This totally fucked my head up. I had been highly sociable and care-free but became depressed all the time and had low self-esteem. I lost nearly all of my friends. I suddenly found social situations stressful, awkward and unpleasant, and was very uncomfortable around anyone who was older or in a position of authority.

My young mind was unable to understand what had happened to me. I had willingly participated in the abuse, although I didn't realise what it was at the time. I didn't try to run away or tell anyone. At first I found this strange experience interesting and liked the attention. Basically, I liked it and that was a huge source of guilt. Because of this I felt i was a dirty scumbag low-life and was equally to blame for it, and if anyone found out about it they would think I was just as bad as my abuser. I thought my parents would hate me if they knew.

The abuse was done in a friendly way. I thought the abuser was my friend. I wasn't forced to do anything I didn't want to. On one occasion he gave me a halloween rocket in return for "favours". It turned out to be broken and didn't work properly and i felt like a fool. I think he gave me some other crappy gifts on other occasions.

This depression and low self-esteem became much more serious in my teenage years and adult life. It has dogged me for most of my life. At times, the prolonged depression and social isolation drove me certifiably insane, complete with delusions and even some hallucinations. Luckily I never ended up in a nut house. It has caused me to walk into misfortune upon misfortune. I could moan about these things endlessly but the abuse is at the root of it. Most of those things probably would never have happened if I hadn't been in the condition I was in. I had great ability yet failed in school. i had great trouble forming and maintaining relationships and keeping down a job. Mostly I was in too bad of a condition to work anyway.

For a long time I either totally forgot about the abuse or thought it was no big deal. I was unable to see the connection between it and my shit life. I can only see the effect clearly when i look at the contrast between myself before and after the abuse. It is only in the last year or 2 that i have gradually started to recover properly and get some sort of a decent life. Sometimes i wonder how my life would have turned out if I had never been abused. I'm sure it would have been totally different. I'm gradually turning my life around now towards where it should have been all along.

This post is a bit longer than I intended but I wanted to straighten it out in my mind once and for all.

#11 drumdidly

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Posted 01 April 2005 - 07:49 PM

the courage of everyone
who has told a story
is amazing

in your situations
i dont think i would last
i've had it pretty well off
but now preparing to enter a $10/hour workforce
for atleast 5 years (if im lucky)
will change my life perspective

what i find most interesting
is that despite your hardships
no one has given in and killed themself
Have mushrooms had an effect on your stability and
refusal to give in?

#12 phalanx

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Posted 01 April 2005 - 08:53 PM

I seriously considered suicide literally hundreds if not thousands of times. The fear of death and the faint hope of a better life kept me alive.

The one occasion where i actually went through with it was a massive paracetemol overdose. I ate the pills and went to bed, quite content and happy about never waking up. I woke up a few hours later feeling nauseous and puked the whole lot up. I couldn't eat for a few days but made a full recovery. The funny thing is that if i had taken maybe half the dose that was less irritating to my stomach i would now be dead.

I've lost count of the number of nooses I rigged but never used. I nev er had the guts to seriously cut my wrists but i have superficial scars where I used to cut myself in desperate confusion. I'm glad I never had access to a gun. That would have been too easy.

Shrooms did me as much harm as good but the main thing is that they were something interesting in my life when I had nothing else. It is really only ayahuasca which has inspired long term positive changes.

#13 destroy_erase_improve

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Posted 01 April 2005 - 09:37 PM

phalanx, this whole contest aside
we are here for you no matter what
remember that ok
we love you just the way you are
dei

#14 bipolar

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Posted 01 April 2005 - 11:58 PM

I've tried 3 times but I guess it just wasn't my time to go. As for the potential to make changes Phalanx, that's hard to do when you can't work anymore cause of the constant pain and therefore can't leave the situation you're in. I've accepted my lot however and I make do. The only thing I wish for is a little pot to smoke. Ahhh I can dream can't I?

#15 nomoreusmc

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Posted 02 April 2005 - 03:28 AM

I got my knees blown off in kosovo, Let the king of the kill jokes fly, I've heard them all!! Get this after surgery, I get medically retired in three days!! I couldn't pay may mortgage and was still re-learning how to walk when my house was repo'd Thats a kicker in the self assteme dept!! Lots of love and I hope you work out your probs!!

#16 phalanx

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Posted 02 April 2005 - 04:40 AM

I should say that my story is ancient history and my life has radically improved from what it used to be. I still get depressed but it is much milder and I'm able to snap out of it quicker. I have many advantages which other people don't have. I own a nice house in a nice location which is quite valuable and no mortgage, although I am short of cash at the moment. I have some good friends. I'm good-looking, fairly healthy and intelligent, and hopefully going to college this autumn. I have some good talents. And I have ayahuasca.:)

Bipolar, I'm sure there are some changes you could make to improve your life if you are open-minded. Depression makes you keep looking down holes.

nomoreusmc, sorry to hear about your knees and being screwed by the army. I hope you can walk ok now.

I'm sure that I and other posters so far are not the only members here with hard luck stories or even the worst. Come all ye!

I like this saying:

"Always remember the first law of holes: when you are in one, stop digging."

#17 Guest_pissybee_*

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Posted 02 April 2005 - 09:43 AM

I'd have to write a book...

#18 bipolar

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Posted 02 April 2005 - 10:01 AM

Didn't realise I was lookin down a hole or sounding depressed. Funny I don't feel depressed. LOL!

#19 llama

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Posted 02 April 2005 - 12:08 PM

Thank you all for sharing your stories. It's awful that these things happen, but it's helpful to discuss them as it normalizes suffering. I appreciate this as I struggle with my own present crisis.
I'm 19, and for nearly a year and a half now I've been battling with idiopathic neuropathy, first in my hands/arms and now in my feet/legs. This has cut my activity down to almost zero, as anything beyond basic functioning quickly sends me into a long bout of pain. This means little walking (< 3 blocks or so at a time), no biking, no writing, no typing (voice recognition software has been a great gift), no juggling, and not much else. I've been to a couple dozen doctors and have spent several thousand dollars trying to find an answer, but to no avail. Fortunately I have good insurance, but even with that my family's resources are drying up quickly, and since I can't work I can't help contribute, which is infuriating to me.
Anyhow, it's been a really rough time. I just want to say how much I appreciate having this community here. Participating in 'topia is one of the few things that pleases me these days, and fortunately mycoculture is a hobby I've been able to continue. I've had a lot of hobbies in my time, but this one in particular I find to be very special. Maybe it's something about helping another organism grow. It keeps me sane.
Phalanx: I'm glad to hear that you've been receiving such a benefit from ayahuasca. I just finished brewing my first tea (vine-only) which I'll be trying later this week. I'm optimistic that it will help me work through some of the difficult emotional aspects of my situation.
Peace,
Llama

#20 phalanx

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Posted 02 April 2005 - 02:23 PM

Wow, Llama, that is fairly tough. I hope you can find a cure or at least keep some enjoyable quality of life. Hopefully aya will do you some good. Are you sure puking and retching wont cause you any pain?

Feeling like you are the only person in the world who is having a hard time can be alienating. It is good to talk about such things even though it can be hard at first.

i was going a bit far saying i liked being abused. it would be better to say I tolerated it for the sake of getting presents, and avoided going to the guy's house when it got too extreme. This reluctant co-operation was enough to cause the shame and guilt. I felt i had consented to it rather than being a victim. it wasn't something i looked forward to.

Talking about it has helped to clarify it more and bring back new memories. I remember making refusals. Being allowed to play a computer game was another gift that talked me into things. And i remember it took several sessions of abuse to earn that rocket, not one. It was one of those little shitty ones that just goes bang, no sparks.




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