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The worst four hours of my life.


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#1 Landogarner

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Posted 20 March 2006 - 04:18 PM

I would like to qualify this experience by saying that I do no justice to it by putting it into words because I would never be able to fully articulate what happened.

Saturday afternoon @ 3:20pm I dosed 2.2grams of dried mazatapec mushrooms.
I wanted to talk to someone with more experience so I could get some idea of how things SHOULD go. So I joined the mycotopia chatroom and hung out with InvaderZim. He was letting me know what to expect and keeping me company, basically being a friend and great guy to a complete stranger (love these communities).

The first hour and a half to two hours were going as expected, bright colors, shimmering walls, wood grains looked amazing. I was on the bed with my wife, talking and listening to some Floyd, having a good time and enjoying the experience. I think it all started going downhill when I first looked at my hand and arm. I noticed the hair looked like it was growing before my eyes and when I looked at the palm of my hand it seemed to age very fast and become wrinkled and old. None of this really bothered me, it was just very interesting to watch.

I started to feel uncomfortable and the music was starting to bother me so I turned it off and started to pace my living room. I was feeling more and more uncomfortable at this point I didn't know what was going on and felt the need to be alone and in the dark. So I went downstairs to try and refresh myself in the shower. Things only started getting worse from there.

I had no concept of time from here on, it seemed to stretch on for eternity. I am guessing this was around the two hour plus mark when I got in the shower. I remember feeling like I needed to get the mushrooms out of my body, like it was a foreign entity that was trying to do me harm. I tried to throwup and even tried to force myself to throwup a few times, with my fingers, but it didn't work. I was becoming more and more disorientated, time seemed to skip around. One second I am looking at the drain in the shower and the next I am looking outside to make sure reality hadn't fallen away and I was still there.

Around this time I started to get the feeling she (being the drug, in my mind I associated her or it as being feminine) was here to punish me or simply take my conciousness over and obliterate it. This is when the fight truly began, I literally felt like I was at war with her. I needed something to concentrate on, an anchor to weather the storm. I tried to concentrate on the fact that I knew this would all be over in another 4-6 hours. This and the fact that I knew it was all just chemical reactions in my head and none of it was real. I was getting very frightened and paranoid. I didn't want my wife to find out what was happening to me. She was already worried about me taking the mushrooms to begin with and I didn't want her to call a doctor or something worse.

The visuals I started to see were extremely hostile and menacing. Closed, and even partially with opened eyes, I was seeing a red and black checkerboard design with an evil looking face coming out of the center, pulsating and weaving back and forth quickly. There were also many tail like extensions protruding from the checkerboard design that had pointy arrow tip like heads to them. These were also moving quickly side to side, threatening me.

After getting out of the shower I couldn't stay still I paced the basement floor for maybe 30 minutes? Still waging war inside my head, just trying to maintain control. I was scared that if I let go I would be wiped away and go insane.

I managed to get my clothes back on, almost getting lost in my shirt. Going back upstairs I again felt the need to purge my body of this foreign entity and still nothing would come up. I laid on the floor of my bedroom, in the dark, concentrating on staying in the present. The visuals grew more intense at this point and I started to worry that it wouldn't end and I would go insane. I started questioning all the things I do in my life that are negative and why I was risking my future in such a careless way.

Not long after, maybe around hour 4, I got a brief respite and started to feel a little better. I said to myself "she knows I won, she is leaving, she knows I won" but that didn't last long. She was much more devious than I originally thought. Just as I was letting down my defenses she came back stronger then ever. She seemed to say "you aren't ready for me and what I have to teach you" or maybe that was my own thought, I don't know.

I continued this way through hour 5 or so and I realized how utterly and completely my ego had been destroyed. I felt small and insignificant. Time held no meaning and the war I battled was all that I could concentrate on. The body load was also pretty intense, at times the best I could manage was curling up into the fetal position and twitching or constantly rubbing my hands over my head.

My wife came to check on me about this time and forcing myself to talk to her seemed to help. I went into the livingroom and started pacing again. I felt like I was slowly regaining control. More nausea and mushroom burps during this last 45 minutes as full control slowly returned. I finally came out on the other side around 9:30pm. My wife noticed my face was covered in small red hive like pimples. I am pretty sure I had an allergic reaction to something in the shrooms.

It was the most intense, horrifying four hours I have ever experienced. But I learned a lot about myself and I feel that it made me stronger. I wouldn't want to go through that ever again but I also wouldn't want to trade the knowledge and experienced gained.

I don't think I will be revisiting mushrooms anytime soon but I will continue to grow my other entheogenic friends and see if I am ready to learn anything from them.

As I am unable to fully articulate what happened, because it was so overwhelming, I really appreciate anyone taking the time to read this long report!

*EDIT*
This was not my first experience. I had some great times with acid a while back so I wasn't going in completely clueless.

I guess what it all boils down to is I was not as prepared as I thought. But this was a lesson I will not soon forget and hopefully next time I will be better prepared, armed with the knowledge I gained.

#2 Hippie3

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Posted 20 March 2006 - 04:24 PM

next time
surrender
don't fight.

#3 Landogarner

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Posted 20 March 2006 - 04:30 PM

Easy to say. It felt like there would be nothing left of me to come back from the trip, if I surrendered. Like a powerful river washing my conciousness away completely. Wish I could express it better. Even before I started fighting it it was very unpleasant. Dunno.

#4 python

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Posted 20 March 2006 - 04:31 PM

nice..........but don't be afraid of the shroomies..........

#5 pskovinsky

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Posted 20 March 2006 - 04:31 PM

next time
surrender
don't fight.



Thats pure truth right there.

I've had a good number of experiances like you describe (like, six of the last six), and the only way out i've found is to totally distract yourself, so that you don't remember your scared.

I've tried diving into the hallucinations and going on a safari, that was fun.

I've tried throwing the contents of my pockets off a cliff, followed by myself, that makes for a good story, but cost me a solid $450, not to mention being rather lucky i landed on the 70* cliff face rather then the totally vertical one lower down.

I've tried running, which produced interesting results in that i manage to run two miles of very steep uphill without stopping (not even close to capable of that normally), but didn't help anything else.


In all other things i'm a Never Surrender type person, but mushrooms are, for their duration, substantially more powerful then any of us, if you don't surrender they'll blitzkreig your ass.



Oh yeah, showers and baths are wonderful for distracting yourself.

Glad you made it back, don't be afraid to try again, a lower dose perhaps.

#6 Guest_dial8_*

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Posted 20 March 2006 - 04:32 PM

Yeah that is the best advice one can give. Just surrender and the experience will be much more enjoyable. Fighting back only makes things real bad. It really is a very pleasant ride if you let your inhibitions go. your beleifs about what is and is not should be pushed aside for the few hours you are under.

#7 Hippie3

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Posted 20 March 2006 - 04:36 PM

Easy to say. It felt like there would be nothing left of me to come back from the trip, if I surrendered. Like a powerful river washing my conciousness away completely. Wish I could express it better. Even before I started fighting it it was very unpleasant. Dunno.



they call it
ego death.
you should have been prepared.
set & setting, my friend.
shrooms are a powerful mind-altering drug,
one should not attempt to 'party' like it was cannabis or beer
on any amount greater than 2 dry grams, imho.
you can eat 2 g and almost never have the anxiety you experienced.
that's a nice safe party dose.

once you venture past the 2 g mark
the party can go astray at any time.
you should have moved into a dark room,
curled up in bed/on couch, etc.
and let it flow over you.

by walking around and being active, fighting the drug
even after you knew it was hitting you hard
you made a serious error, as you now know.
beginning a trip is like archery match,
you must carefully 'aim' your trip
to arrive safely at the desired destination.
plz read the psychedelic experience FAQ

#8 Landogarner

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Posted 20 March 2006 - 04:44 PM

That's what I thought I had done. I've been on this board for months researching and preparing. I wasn't going into this for a "good time" I grew out of that many years ago.

And if you read later in my report I was in a dark room curled up under a blanket for a couple hours. At one point while curled up in the dark room it subsided and washed over me only to come back twice as strong after a brief interval. I only took 2.2 grams. I wasn't expecting anything half as intense and from what everyone has told me 2g is a normal dose. 2.2g shouldn't have been enough to be that intense unless I am just naturally very sensitive to that particular chemical.

#9 Hippie3

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Posted 20 March 2006 - 04:50 PM

the variation in potency is enough to make even 'low' doses
uncomfortable for some.
personality also plays a factor, mental tolerance.

i did read your report,
but i daresay
ending up on the floor in a dark room
2.5 to 3 hours into the trip
is not the same thing as i suggested at all.

by then
you were already in deep trouble,
at that point
about the only thing that could have helped
would have been a few valiums/zanax
and time for the peak to subside.

#10 pskovinsky

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Posted 20 March 2006 - 04:50 PM

Some people, like me, are very, very sensitive to mushrooms.
What i get off 2.2g's is what most people get off 4-5g's, total ego death, 3 second memory, and jumping off cliffs.

I recommend trying it again sometime, with a single dry gram.

#11 Landogarner

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Posted 20 March 2006 - 04:55 PM

Yeah someday I will go back to a smaller dose. I will be better prepared if anything similar happens next time. For now I'll concentrate on growing my other plants and trying to learn from this.

The next day I did feel very refreshed and a little euphoric.

#12 pskovinsky

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Posted 20 March 2006 - 04:56 PM

Heheh yeah, the next day feeling after surviving something like that is pretty nice a lot of the time.

You get that "HA i survived certain doom, wohoo!" feeling.

#13 suckerfree

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Posted 20 March 2006 - 05:00 PM

I've had a few friends that have gone through some bad trips; it always seems triggered by something that they happened to think of. Something that was already bothering them, and they obessed about it until they flipped out. Laying down in low light/dark, with a cool wash cloth helps. With nice soothing music, not scary floyd. Glad you didn't hurt yourself during your bad trip.

#14 Landogarner

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Posted 20 March 2006 - 05:00 PM

LOL! I didn't want to say something so dramatic but yeah that was how it felt! :lol:

I really did feel like I came out stronger, mentally. The more I think about it, and I never stop, the more I take away from it.

#15 golly

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Posted 20 March 2006 - 05:02 PM

Did u grow those shrooms or did someone give em to ya.?.cause it sounds more like the intensity of pan cyans...There are toxins that can occur in the fruit -i know first hand about that - it ain't fun....

#16 Landogarner

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Posted 20 March 2006 - 05:05 PM

I grew em, dried them, and weighed them. Hence my confusion after feeling like I was finally prepared. :/

#17 suckerfree

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Posted 20 March 2006 - 05:07 PM

No confusion man, you just grew some quality stuff...!

#18 BuckarooBanzai

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Posted 20 March 2006 - 05:12 PM

"It felt like there would be nothing left of me to come back from the trip, if I surrendered. Like a powerful river washing my conciousness away completely."

I think your words express it quite effectively.

Take your river analogy a step further and picture yourself trapped in fast moving water. What is the best way to survive, in such a circumstance? Should you fight the current and try to swim or just ride with it? If you fight strong currents, you will quickly get tired and drown. If, however, you can relax and simply breathe deeply, you realize that your body naturally floats and instead of being a terrifying confrontation with death, it just becomes a wild ride.

Irrational fears are called that for a reason. People remind you over and over that "it's just a drug experience, it will subside," for a REASON. Remembering and acting upon those thoughts whilest in the throwes of a psychedelic encounter can be VERY difficult (if not impossible). Remembering that your experience will be over in a few hours is not so reassuring when each moment seems to take a year to pass.

If you put up a poll, I think you would find that everybody here has freaked out at least once. Some of us (like me) have freaked out plenty of times. Some people even make a hobby out of freak out level trips. Some people try it once and realize it is absolutely not for them.

Simply put, mushrooms may not be for you. Certain entheogenic experiences simply do not appeal to some folks. If you happen to be one of those folks, don't fault yourself in the least. Consider it a powerful learning experience to be drawn on later in life. Now you know what true fear is. Most do not. Perhaps that is the only lesson the mushrooms had for you, in this lifetime. Perhaps that was just their first lesson. Who knows?

One thing is certain, you now clearly understand how crucial a guide can be. Remember how much better you felt talking to your wife, towards the end? Talking to her would have done that when you were still very deep in, as well. Talking helps you ground, reconnecting you with the physical. Your fear of frightening your wife kept her from being able to help you, especially when things were at their weirdest. Pacing around and wringing your hands is just about the worst thing you can do (besides watching a splatter movie).

The tiny red whelps on your face are not a good thing, by the way. An allergic reaction that causes raised hives is only a few steps away from one that could cause anaphylaxis (that's where your throat swells closed and your lungs become paralyzed, after which you generally die if you don't get to an emergency room). If those hives were still present many hours later, you had a STRONG allergic reaction. Did your armpits get itchy? That's another sign of a potentially dangerous allergic reaction. If you consider doing shroomies again, I would strongly caution you to do a much smaller amount and prepare your system with 100-150mg of Benadryl about 2 hours before dosing. That will drastically reduce the allergic reaction factor.

And again, don't feel weird about not wanting to go chow a big handful of mushrooms again. Just 'cause some of us here do dig it (and lots of folks around here eat 'em pretty infrequently, if at all) doesn't mean it's right for you. It's like sex. Everybody has their quirks, likes and dislikes. Anybody who calls you a pussy/lightweight is just an asshole.

I had a friend in school who was violently allergic to marijuana. He couldn't even be around it being smoked without wheezing and coughing, but my GOD he had an appetite for LSD (I watched that crazy fuck eat 18 hits of really good blotter - from a mop up sheet). Some people can't handle alcohol. Some people (like myself) can't handle IV narcotics. Everybody is different and there is no fault in seeking the things that make you feel good while shunning those that make you feel bad.

And who knows what you might think about mushrooms a few weeks/months from now. Don't be suprised if you find yourself very much wanting to traverse these fast moving waters again, after some time has passed...

#19 viraljimmy

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Posted 20 March 2006 - 05:14 PM

Don't give up on mushrooms yet.
Maybe you got something out of the
way that you needed.

One of my recent trips was unpleasant.
For hours I was stuck reliving mistakes
and guilt and insecurities from my past,
intense desperate and worthless feeling.

But my last few trips have been a blast.

Try it again in an optimistic and comfortable setting.

#20 Landogarner

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Posted 20 March 2006 - 05:18 PM

"It felt like there would be nothing left of me to come back from the trip, if I surrendered. Like a powerful river washing my conciousness away completely."

I think your words express it quite effectively.

Take your river analogy a step further and picture yourself trapped in fast moving water. What is the best way to survive, in such a circumstance? Should you fight the current and try to swim or just ride with it? If you fight strong currents, you will quickly get tired and drown. If, however, you can relax and simply breathe deeply, you realize that your body naturally floats and instead of being a terrifying confrontation with death, it just becomes a wild ride.

Irrational fears are called that for a reason. People remind you over and over that "it's just a drug experience, it will subside," for a REASON. Remembering and acting upon those thoughts whilest in the throwes of a psychedelic encounter can be VERY difficult (if not impossible). Remembering that your experience will be over in a few hours is not so reassuring when each moment seems to take a year to pass.

If you put up a poll, I think you would find that everybody here has freaked out at least once. Some of us (like me) have freaked out plenty of times. Some people even make a hobby out of freak out level trips. Some people try it once and realize it is absolutely not for them.

Simply put, mushrooms may not be for you. Certain entheogenic experiences simply do not appeal to some folks. If you happen to be one of those folks, don't fault yourself in the least. Consider it a powerful learning experience to be drawn on later in life. Now you know what true fear is. Most do not. Perhaps that is the only lesson the mushrooms had for you, in this lifetime. Perhaps that was just their first lesson. Who knows?

One thing is certain, you now clearly understand how crucial a guide can be. Remember how much better you felt talking to your wife, towards the end? Talking to her would have done that when you were still very deep in, as well. Talking helps you ground, reconnecting you with the physical. Your fear of frightening your wife kept her from being able to help you, especially when things were at their weirdest. Pacing around and wringing your hands is just about the worst thing you can do (besides watching a splatter movie).

The tiny red whelps on your face are not a good thing, by the way. An allergic reaction that causes raised hives is only a few steps away from one that could cause anaphylaxis (that's where your throat swells closed and your lungs become paralyzed, after which you generally die if you don't get to an emergency room). If those hives were still present many hours later, you had a STRONG allergic reaction. Did your armpits get itchy? That's another sign of a potentially dangerous allergic reaction. If you consider doing shroomies again, I would strongly caution you to do a much smaller amount and prepare your system with 100-150mg of Benadryl about 2 hours before dosing. That will drastically reduce the allergic reaction factor.

And again, don't feel weird about not wanting to go chow a big handful of mushrooms again. Just 'cause some of us here do dig it (and lots of folks around here eat 'em pretty infrequently, if at all) doesn't mean it's right for you. It's like sex. Everybody has their quirks, likes and dislikes. Anybody who calls you a pussy/lightweight is just an asshole.

I had a friend in school who was violently allergic to marijuana. He couldn't even be around it being smoked without wheezing and coughing, but my GOD he had an appetite for LSD (I watched that crazy fuck eat 18 hits of really good blotter - from a mop up sheet). Some people can't handle alcohol. Some people (like myself) can't handle IV narcotics. Everybody is different and there is no fault in seeking the things that make you feel good while shunning those that make you feel bad.

And who knows what you might think about mushrooms a few weeks/months from now. Don't be suprised if you find yourself very much wanting to traverse these fast moving waters again, after some time has passed...


Oh I agree completely. I still feel like they have more to teach me, just not anytime soon. I need time to process everything and be ready to surrender if it happens next time.

As for the hives they were still there the next day but very faintly and most were gone completely.




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