I have logged almost all of my trips here,
but I was afraid that the story would ruin the image of entheoens.
But after two months of processing it,
I feel like I am doing more of a disservice keeping it from the community.
I have seen multiple posts asking things like;
"I heard you can't have a bad trip on wood lovers or cyans",
so I post this publicly in hopes it adds to the scientific accumulation of these experiences.
It is my hope that the total amount of information on this site,
good and bad,
will give users a basis of common sense and not dogma when working with entheogens.
I have not altered this post what so ever from its original content.
Blessings and Light
I am at a loss for words,
I feel like an old friend turned on me.
I thought I knew what a bad trip could be like,
but man, I got it good.
I ate 2.5 g's of Pan Cyans,
I felt like I was being attacked by an entity.
As soon as I felt it happening,
my dog starting freaking the fuck out and trying to get near me.
My inner voice told me to go into my meditation cell.
I was in the fight of my life, holy fuck.
I fought and fought.
It got to a point where I cried out to Jesus for help.
I cried out to Jesus for help, that should tell you where I was at.
I am not a christian.
It kept telling me that I was going to kill my dog and gf.
It was telling me i was being programmed to do it.
It said I was going to black out and kill them,
that I would come too not even remembering it.
All the while my dog is going NUTS,
its now trying to get into my meditation cell with me.
A voice told me to run out of the house,
that I was going to black out and hurt them.
I ran from my cabin to the main house on the property,
when I got to the door I put my key in to unlock it.
A voice then told me I already killed them and they were dead inside the cabin.
I ran as fast as I could back into the cabin to find them.
This is where it got crazy.
It was like the movie inception,
dreams within dreams.
I was going from delusion to delusion thinking I woke up in between.
Like being in a dream, to wake up and still be in a dream thinking your awake.
I thought i killed them, then I would come to to another delusion thinking I woke up from that one.
To just go into another one.
It was kind of like lsd loops, but far more real and intense.
It was almost like a datura type experience.
I don't remember it being like a normal trip with normal visuals.
I don't remember visuals at all.
It was creating full on realities like they were real.
The hardest part was my fiance ate like 2 g's herself,
I dealt with this for 4 hours alone.
I didnt tell her, how could I?
How do you tell the person you love and are tripping with,
that you are fighting something off that is trying to get you to kill them?
There was one point where I was in one of the delusions,
where I thought I already kiill them,
that I was convinced I had to kill my self.
That I could never tell her parents or mine that I did this,
it was the only option.
Then I would hear her laugh in the background,
kinda like when your on K and are fully disassociated and have music on.
You are in another world, but the music is anchoring you to yours also.
I could hear her laughing behind the delusion tripping,
and my higher self kept telling me to keep fighting,
that I can make it through it.
I fought and fought.
It scared me that these thoughts where even being given to me,
it scared me that I had to fight these ideas.
Its scary to think if I wasnt as experienced as I was,
I probably wouldnt have been able to fight that off.
I would have killed my fiance and my dog.
I would have been that news story.
This past week has been so hard on me.
Now that I am not drinking,
I honestly don't know how to deal.
Its a pathetic feeling.
I just want to run and hide, crawl in a hole.
I want my old vice, but I know it wont change a thing.
I guess that is why I am typing this now,
this has festered for a week and I am going insane inside.
Its been so hard trying to grasp and understand this experience.
The tool that gave me my God (the mushroom),
almost took everything I love and cherish.
It was an eye opening experience.
I really need you guys right now,
I am at a loss for words.
I don't think I have ever been so scared in my life...
In divine friendship,
Edited by dpwishy, 01 April 2013 - 02:11 PM.