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Dealing with Bipolar Disorder. I'll let this song speak for me.


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#1 niemandgeist

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Posted 02 April 2015 - 05:45 PM

I plan to add a bit more here, but for right now, this is exactly how I feel dealing with bipolar disorder type I right now:

 

[Direct Link]

 

Lyrics:

 

 

I cruise along and think I'm fine
I feel the waves and the sunshine

I lose myself and feel the tide
I feel your presence at my side

I feel no rush and think I am glad
And yet something still makes me sad

I feel it's someone else's stride
And I am just along for the ride

I could be fine and yet I strive
As though I'm tumbling down this endless hole
I know I'd like to lead my life
Feeling that I'm really in control

I will look on as time just flies
Content that I never ever might be whole
I feel so down and yet would rise
But I'm too scared that I might fall

I remember the day I tried
To remove the thorn in my side
I wanted to retain it all
I should have known it was your call

In the end I got it all
Got it all wrong
Much too desperate
To hang on

It was the day I lost it all
Lost it all

It was the day I lost control
Lost control

When I lost control
When I lost control
Read more at http://www.songlyric...GTRUtVGmFsEa.99

 

I feel depressed, but not cripplingly so. However, the way I feel, and have felt for months, isn't exactly "GO GO GO! Endless energy!"

 

It's a bit of up and a bit of down. A bit of "I want to rise high" and a bit of "I know that I can't rise too high or I'll be ill and out of control, and back in a hospital again."

 

It's tough.

 

But this song really is beautiful and catchy and upbeat...

 

And it explains exactly how I feel.

 

How torn I am.

 

I could go either way. I want to rise high, but I'm scared of going too high, so I try to mediate everything. Mediocraty isn't cutting it, though. I feel I have enough energy and drive to do something great, but at the same time, I am concerned that "doing something great" might be "Illness".

 

Maybe some of you can relate.

 

I plan on updating this soon with more information/thoughts.

 

I know I'm not the only one here dealing with this. I feel this strongly. I've been thinking of posting this song and the lyrics for a week now so... Let me go ahead and post the damned fucking shit, aye?

 

Comments and questions welcome.


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#2 mycowarrier

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Posted 02 April 2015 - 06:08 PM

I like it and the lyrics are heart felt.

Do you want others to post some similar tunes?

These songs reminds me of when i'm on the "high side"

[Direct Link]

[Direct Link]


Edited by mycowarrier, 02 April 2015 - 06:59 PM.

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#3 niemandgeist

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Posted 02 April 2015 - 06:40 PM

Others can post anything at all that they feel fits in with this.

 

So here is my promised post:

 

I have been in a somewhat funk for the last 4 months or so.

 

I feel as though I could put my energy into something great...

 

But WHAT should I put this energy into?

 

And...

 

Is this excess energy hypomania? I KNOW it's not the dreaded bipolar mania. I would KNOW if it were that... Fuck... if it were Mania I wouldn't even stop to consider it... I'd just be posting GREAT AMAZING things that probably don't make any damned sense and any replies from me would not make much sense. They would read like a textbook case of bipolar disorder. It would be VERY obvious.

 

Even so... Like most bipolar folk who have been relatively stable for a long while...

 

I do worry that this excess energy I don't know what to do with might be hypomania or mania.

 

I hope it's just that I'm restless and bored with the same old same old.

 

I'll keep updating.

 

I'm certain that if none of my replies make any sense or sound disjointed or weird people would call me out on it.

 

I do have an appointment scheduled within the next 2 weeks with my psychiatrist.

 

None of my family think anything is "off".

 

Even so... If you have bipolar disorder and have been "far out there manic wise" I'm sure you can understand that ANY excess pent up energy you don't know what to do with might mean "problems".

 

I'll keep checking in and posting. I trust that people here will say "Niemand... You aren't making any sense or that's just nuts!" if I post anything like that.

 

I FEEL that I'm just ready to start getting out of my comfort zone after months of feeling slightly down and unproductive.

 

That's not totally for me to judge, though.

 

Songs, videos, articles, anything that fits in here or YOU feel fits in here won't do harm as a reply, though.

 

I FEEL like I'm in control and just afraid to put all of my energy into something new. I hope it's just that. It just sucks because I've been so far out there manic-wise in the past in 2008 and any time I feel somewhat productive I worry that I THINK I'm making sense but I'm NOT and am SICK.

 

:unsure: :sad:

 

I still FEEL very strongly that I am making sense and am just coming across as being cautious, but when it comes to bipolar disorder what I FEEL may not be what others interpret. I don't feel far out though.

 

I just sort of feel that I have more energy and drive to do something productive.

 

The one thing I'm counting on is... If anything I'm writing sounds really out there and doesn't make any sense... people will say so.

 

Nobody in my day-to-day life has felt that way, though. They, as I do, feel that I am just coming out of a bored/anhedonic(non-feeling) stage where I am actually making sense and maybe it's OK for me to set one or two goal projects to do.

 

If I start talking a lot about religion/spirituality and not making much sense, or keep rambling (paragraphs and paragraphs) in replies here, or I start talking about many many great projects that don't make much sense to others... well that would probably be a warning sign.

 

But really, right now...

 

I have just two or three goals (long time goals) in mind that are feasible.


Edited by niemandgeist, 02 April 2015 - 06:44 PM.

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#4 niemandgeist

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Posted 03 April 2015 - 11:40 AM

Ah. I'm fine after all. I had a discussion or three with people close to me.

 

I've been getting lots of regular sleep, so that's a good sign. If I had not been sleeping much and had been more energized we'd all be worried, but that's not the case. Nobody is telling me that I'm talking over them or not making sense or being moody. They just see me as coming out a bit of a slump and being more productive.

 

I guess that I'm just hyper-sensitive to any sudden long-lasting mood changes because I always want to ensure that I'm healthy and stable. It's perfectly natural and normal, even on my medications, to feel a little up or down at times. I don't appear to be symptomatic.

 

We're all thinking that I'm just a bit more positive lately, particularly because there's more daylight, the weather is nicer, and I love this time of year. Nobody thinks that any of my goals/projects I want to do are abnormal or too grandiose.

 

I'm also well enough to be asking others to check in on me and making sure I am well, so that's a good thing.


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#5 Phineas_Carmichael

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Posted 13 April 2015 - 08:34 PM

So as not to derail your trip report thread, which is quite well written &highly enjoyable, by the way...


I
...
If a known bipolar person is acting FUCKED UP and says "NOPE NO DRUGS!" he should expect the "treatment".
...

I learned that my neighbor was bipolar on the Tuesday after he got back from a music festival. He was acting stereotypically spun so, wanting to know how far into the trip he was, I asked him, "When did you dose, man?" To which he replied, "What day is it?"

I told him it was Tuesday and he said, without batting an eye, "3 days ago."

Apparently he had eaten 1 tab at the festival on Saturday and just never come down... Or stayed high differently through brain chemistry. I knew after this that his mania manifests itself as a continual acid trip, complete with grandiose delusions but no visuals. Sometimes for weeks & months at a time...

I've lived below him for almost 2 years now & seen him in & out of institutions at least 6 times. He always seems to get stressed, do drugs (even pot can set off a manic episode), and get hospitalized right before his finals week, self-sabotaging the entire semester...

I've got more stories about this guy (ask me why I now have a housecat and a feeder mouse sometime), but I'll leave it at that for now. Your trip report reminded me that I've been meaning to talk to you about psychedelics and bipolar for a while now...

Carry on.

*EDIT* Just reread the thread & oh my G-d, the sleep thing! The first indication I have that my neighbor is swinging into mania is that his sleep cycle goes to shit... Jumping jacks & Europop at 3am, attempts at polyphasic sleep, falling asleep outside at noon in February, mid-conversation...

Edited by Phineas_Carmichael, 13 April 2015 - 08:57 PM.

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#6 niemandgeist

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Posted 14 April 2015 - 03:18 PM

Phineas...

 

No problems with discussions in any of my threads! Feel free to keep on writing and I'll probably reply.

 

LSD was a bad deal for me. I liked it too much. Knowing what I know now, it was a LOT like temporary mania. It also really fucked with my sleep cycle because even if I'd dose at dawn I wouldn't be able to sleep until the next evening long after it wore off. For bipolar people regular sleep is VERY IMPORTANT. I abused it because I liked it too much and that ended up leading to my last manic episode. I don't touch the stuff anymore.

 

Mushrooms are way more mellow, relaxing, and dreamlike and the trip lasts 6 hours max. I can also get great sleep even if I dose in the afternoon! No adverse effects for this guy!

 

I'd love to hear more about your bipolar neighbor dude.


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#7 -=Zeus=-

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Posted 14 April 2015 - 06:20 PM

I'll just leave this here....   http://www.bipolarai...lar-people.html


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#8 -=Zeus=-

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Posted 14 April 2015 - 06:32 PM

https://youtube/9ZnAG38CWZI



#9 dice

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Posted 14 April 2015 - 06:42 PM

Pot, and trips saved my life man.

From youth I couldn't/wouldn't take all the meds the docs gave me.

They destroyed the person I was,

turned me into a complete zombie/drone floating through a fake foggy world.

They said bipolar2, but till this day I swear the depression was all the shit I went through.

Same as now, I dont get depressed unless life is shitty... 

That's how its supposed to be right?

I've never met anyone happy while at their worst, and I dont mean attitude.

I'm really good at seeing depression and sadness in people

regardless of how good they hide it.

The pain is too real for me cause I've been there.

I feel it in their eyes, and it's true eyes don't lie.

 

I smoked when I was young once. Then started daily when I was 13

and dude without pot id probably been dead long ago.

Dont get me wrong I still have plenty of manic episodes, I can just handle them better.

 

Tripping is a funny thing for people like us.

Some people it helps, but man some people just go full blown bat shit.

I think tripping has helped me more than pot for long term benefits.

Freed my soul of a lot of shit which helped me fix my brain a little too...

idk I'm starting to ramble so thats my cue to split.

Keep your head up man


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#10 niemandgeist

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Posted 14 April 2015 - 07:51 PM

Dice, for some of us bipolar people medications are a must. Some individual cases aren't as serious and some people don't NEED the meds. Also, sometimes the meds don't help and the side effects don't always go away. I've been tried on a ton of meds in my lifetime and I didn't find anything that really worked until I got lucky in 2008 with my last hospitalization. The meds fortunately don't change who I am at all and the side effects totally went away after a month or so when my body adjusted to the meds.

 

Without the meds I'd surely be dead, but every bipolar person is unique. We may all have similar symptoms and experiences, and a similar diagnosis, but what works for me might not work for the next person. I'm just glad I found control and relative peace.

 

My psychedelic experiences certainly helped a lot, as well as cannabis. For over 5 years now I've maybe smoked pot 20 times at that. I don't like to use it often. It's a nice treat though sometimes. The mushrooms have been very therapeutic, particularly at lower doses. LSD and other psychedelics made me feel manic and prevented me from getting good sleep, and getting good sleep is paramount for someone with a more serious type I bipolar diagnosis such as myself.

 

Mushrooms are more relaxing to me. The trip lasts 6 hours max even if I have a 'full trip' and I can ALWAYS get GREAT SLEEP afterwards. Those mushrooms really are medicine!


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#11 wildedibles

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Posted 15 April 2015 - 12:13 AM

I found that asking people close to me how they see me sometimes when I am feeling that something might be up with me and I cannot see it or am confused about it too ;) Its a really good thing cause close people will help when they notice that we are not feeling like ourselves and it can help us deal heal look at ourselves better?? anyway its a good thing bud glad I noticed your thread

 

I have been feeling very bad the last couple days feeling in way too much pain to do the things that help me cope the fun things just felt like hell for a while ...... I talked to my close friends I needed to get it out :) Let them know that I needed their help it is really hard to talk about mental illness as has been discussed in a different thread but it is necessary :) others can help us see ourselves in a mirror of sorts and ....

 

...what I have loved about mushroom triping is the seeing yourself and deciding what to do on a higher level ...I am having a hard time putting this into words that fit right sorry but talking about things I have learned while tripping arnt easily turned into words ;)

 

.....you guys reminded me of a time when I was in high school :) I shouldnt smile I was very manic at times in high school ....I was talking with a friend of mine playing with him we would get each other going in the class room "delusions" "storys" played them out we were done work and bored ;) .....

.....well I was really hyper that day and he asked me what do I see ? It was like I looked threw the ground floor I replied "Little green men going at me with a sword" and I screamed at the top of my lungs which I got in trouble for but I kinda forgot I was in the class room so I went and sat down I never heard my teacher talk to me that way before ;)

...about a half our later I had these guys I never seen me before calling me to see them outside the class ...??

"do you have any more acid?" ....oh no I replied its all natural guys ;) .........people kinda look at you funny when you tell them your not stoned after being ll fd up naturally

 

I have seen the extremes on both sides sometimes feeling bounced back and forth neither extreme is a good side to be on

 

niemandgeist thanks for your posts lately :) helping me see things in a way I need to ;)

 

I think these extremes I have seen actually help me with the work I do now .... I help sick  / disabled people I have seen a lot of death these last couple of years .....helping looking into the eyes of a person that knows their dieing its hard it is extreme I think some of my past issues have prepared me to help others

 

there is parts of our mental illness that can be good we need to find the strength in it (put it to good use to fit into society) and not be afraid to ask for help when we feel weak ;) ....being mentally ill we can see things differently some things like a trip are very spiritually important lessons that reg people do not have sometimes it can push us over the edge but sometimes we can excel does that make any sense ?

how about it this way its a fine line between genius and the insane ;)


Edited by wildedibles, 15 April 2015 - 12:28 AM.

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#12 -=Zeus=-

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Posted 15 April 2015 - 12:54 AM

[Direct Link]


Edited by mycowarrier, 15 April 2015 - 03:32 AM.
you got it now mezz

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#13 dice

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Posted 15 April 2015 - 07:02 AM

All the trips have made me look at others different too, and not just myself.

We are all messed up, and I mean every single one of us.

And we have no idea how bad some people are without living in their heads.

Since we cant do that well just gonna have to take their words for it.

 

Neim you're right man some people do need those meds to live no doubt.

But I've come to not want to mess my brain up any worse than it is already.

Sorry its how I feel, once you start big pharm good luck getting away.

I dont want to have to pop a pill every day the rest of my life if it changes the person I am.

I dont want to be a guinea pig till we find what works, while the whole time scrambling my brain

I've smoked pot for 19yr it is my form of medication cause it works for me

The meds work for you though and I'm happy for that!

You just gotta take them now and dont forget a day man cause you know how that goes

 

What I'm about to say may be pointless.

But being one that has been around and seeing some shit.

Some people with serious brain issues should probably stay away from dosing of any kind.

I've wigged out on mush several times, its not just lucy that can twist your brain.

And I've known people to flip shit and never be right from dosing too.

Just play it safe man is all I'm saying,

you never know when that 2gr dose puts your face through the hole in the floor ya know


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#14 -=Zeus=-

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Posted 15 April 2015 - 07:59 AM

You guys seem to take life too serious.....wait...I've done that too!   ;)


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#15 niemandgeist

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Posted 16 April 2015 - 03:44 PM

Mezz...

 

I know a lot about bipolar disorder and I got it in order but I don't always take it "seriously". Depends on the conversation/posts. :)

 

Bipolar disorder can be funny as hell with the right stories. I got me some! I think I may start a thread soon about it actually, about my experiences and exploits. The "fried chicken agent 007 incident" is a good one I should post.

 

But when it comes to bipolar disorder I think it's good to have serious AND light-hearted conversation about it so long as people are telling their stories, teaching, and learning. So long as people know which posts are serious and all!


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#16 TastyBeverage

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Posted 16 April 2015 - 09:24 PM

Here's a handy little analogy that my doc told me the last time i went in: If you're standing on a metal grate that shocks you every 5 minutes, the proper treatment is not to medicate yourself until you stop responding to the shock, the proper treatment is to get off of the metal grate. That is to say, environment is key when dealing with our condition long term. Low stress is absolutely essential.

 

NO AMOUNT OF MEDICATION IN ANY COMBINATIONS WILL BE EFFECTIVE IN A HIGH STRESS ENVIRONMENT.

 

What's high stress? Only the patient can know that. My stressors are different than yours, of course cause we're different people with different history. But if somethings stresses or elevates you, that's *reality* and you need to remove yourself from it, pronto. It doesn't matter if someone says that it isn't reasonable (fuck them for their presumption in getting in between you and relief anyways) or even if you think it isn't reasonable-- the stress you're feeling is real and valid. 

 

So ya, isolate from that shit. Know what your triggers are. It's very helpful to me to have a written list of my biggest triggers that i can discuss with the people in my life so that they can help me to live low stress. When i visit my family, we go over the list and setup workarounds for situations that might come up. And if/when those situations do, they are super chill about it and breeze right through, treating me like a normal person and there's no big deal going on. And because you make the reality that you live in, we breeze right through it and i feel low stress and like a normal person instead of a sick person.

 

That's a huge struggle for me right now; i HATE being treated like i'm sick. Like i said, you create the reality you live in, so when i'm being treated like i might freak out at any moment, that becomes my reality. I immediately start to feel like i might actually freak out at any moment. More often then not... i then proceed to actually freak out which of course fulfills expectations and begins a never ending cycle.

 

Man, that pisses me off.


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#17 wildedibles

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Posted 16 April 2015 - 10:43 PM

Yes this is part of what I mean as mental illness symptoms can be skills .....I believe that we have an ability as great as our disabilty is bad ...... bipolar our sides swing to the extreems we see what others cannot see sometimes having this insight can really help others but sometimes it can hurt them

eg. I learned martial arts as a child (because I wouldnt stop bugging my "hyper Uncle"kept punching him in the arm trying to kick him etc... well he decided to teach my brother and cousins martial arts too but they learned how to fight and I learned how to get out of what he taught them ;) so they wouldnt hurt me

now I learn about the bodys reflexes and energy fields in healing ways ...but shake my head when I am sadistic enough to look someone in the eyes and straighten a broken??


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#18 -=Zeus=-

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Posted 16 April 2015 - 11:40 PM

 

Yes this is part of what I mean as mental illness symptoms can be skills .....I believe that we have an ability as great as our disabilty is bad ...... bipolar our sides swing to the extreems we see what others cannot see sometimes having this insight can really help others but sometimes it can hurt them

eg. I learned martial arts as a child (because I wouldnt stop bugging my "hyper Uncle"kept punching him in the arm trying to kick him etc... well he decided to teach my brother and cousins martial arts too but they learned how to fight and I learned how to get out of what he taught them ;) so they wouldnt hurt me

now I learn about the bodys reflexes and energy fields in healing ways ...but shake my head when I am sadistic enough to look someone in the eyes and straighten a broken??

 

I know truebloods when I see them, wish I'd run into more of them...


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#19 -=Zeus=-

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Posted 16 April 2015 - 11:45 PM

I found that asking people close to me how they see me sometimes when I am feeling that something might be up with me and I cannot see it or am confused about it too ;) Its a really good thing cause close people will help when they notice that we are not feeling like ourselves and it can help us deal heal look at ourselves better?? anyway its a good thing bud glad I noticed your thread

 

I have been feeling very bad the last couple days feeling in way too much pain to do the things that help me cope the fun things just felt like hell for a while ...... I talked to my close friends I needed to get it out :) Let them know that I needed their help it is really hard to talk about mental illness as has been discussed in a different thread but it is necessary :) others can help us see ourselves in a mirror of sorts and ....

 

...what I have loved about mushroom triping is the seeing yourself and deciding what to do on a higher level ...I am having a hard time putting this into words that fit right sorry but talking about things I have learned while tripping arnt easily turned into words ;)

 

.....you guys reminded me of a time when I was in high school :) I shouldnt smile I was very manic at times in high school ....I was talking with a friend of mine playing with him we would get each other going in the class room "delusions" "storys" played them out we were done work and bored ;) .....

.....well I was really hyper that day and he asked me what do I see ? It was like I looked threw the ground floor I replied "Little green men going at me with a sword" and I screamed at the top of my lungs which I got in trouble for but I kinda forgot I was in the class room so I went and sat down I never heard my teacher talk to me that way before ;)

...about a half our later I had these guys I never seen me before calling me to see them outside the class ...??

"do you have any more acid?" ....oh no I replied its all natural guys ;) .........people kinda look at you funny when you tell them your not stoned after being ll fd up naturally

 

I have seen the extremes on both sides sometimes feeling bounced back and forth neither extreme is a good side to be on

 

niemandgeist thanks for your posts lately :) helping me see things in a way I need to ;)

 

I think these extremes I have seen actually help me with the work I do now .... I help sick  / disabled people I have seen a lot of death these last couple of years .....helping looking into the eyes of a person that knows their dieing its hard it is extreme I think some of my past issues have prepared me to help others

 

there is parts of our mental illness that can be good we need to find the strength in it (put it to good use to fit into society) and not be afraid to ask for help when we feel weak ;) ....being mentally ill we can see things differently some things like a trip are very spiritually important lessons that reg people do not have sometimes it can push us over the edge but sometimes we can excel does that make any sense ?

how about it this way its a fine line between genius and the insane ;)

We are not mentally ill!  We are genuine orignal people. In ages gone by, we were the Einsteins, Newton's and about anyone else that is memorable in history....  It pisses me the fuck off to be a pariah in these times...BUt I know where we are headed, and am  standing tall.  I love you Wildedibles ;)


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#20 -=Zeus=-

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Posted 16 April 2015 - 11:47 PM

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