Funny - I was just scoping out possible solutions to this entomofucking invasion...these bastards must have been planning this assault all winter because they've launched their offensive in a simultaneous pincer-assault that was really quite an impressive maneuver... daily tasks on these quiet spring mornings have become dangerous operations where I must now reconfigure my forces and make hasty adjustments regarding all logistical procedures. They got the jump on us early...we lost several good men to PTSD - some poor fellows, young and fresh faced recruits, have even gone AWOL.
The heaviest assault came even this morning, after a squad armed with light brooms and miscellaneous toxic aerosols took first patrol the commander reported back that things were quiet with no enemy movement detected. Forward scouts from a special forces outfit trained specifically in counter-bee ops occupied key positions around the perimeter and were tasked with overnight surveillance. These reports also came back negative. Morale was high among most but me and a few seasoned vetrans of previous campaigns where bloody chaotic bug-man combat ensued...we were not cozened by the bright quiet ante-meridian calm...something didn't feel quite right. It was TOO damned calm. Intelligence reports from the previous days patrols indicated heavy enemy troop movement, but could not provide headquarters with accurate data on exactly where these unholy creatures were massing their strength... they've burrowed intricate labyrinthine tunnels all through the goddamned deck and the fucking new deck by the pool. Insolent bastards! What in the name of my smelly crotch were they doing? One thing for sure...they didn't acquiesce - our demands for their honorable surrender has repeatedly gone unanswered. Some crap-dick junior officer actually tried to tell me I was incorrect after overhearing my report to Bee-command that our attempts at diplomacy have gone completely ignored...and we must preemptively strike soon. The eavesdropper had the audacity to tell me that since these were BUGS - that there'd be no possible way our communications would ever be apprehended or understood by them, because they are INSECTS. Smartass kid...I put him in the point squad for his insubordination...let him think his way through an engagement the fucker...this is serious business people. Our very yard has been wantonly invaded by an enemy with highly sophisticated shit like wings, stingers, and god knows what other high technology -we've yet to capture a specimen in an uncrushed state to reverse engineer them, nor have any prisoners talked...beyond that incessant bzzzzbzzzbzzz babble they speak among themselves.
REPORT: God...forgive me...I sent that cocky kid out on point to teach him a lesson...well...a lesson he got. At 0933 he and his squad were en route to base camp when the god damned sky opened up - they'd just passed the newly build pool deck...fresh scented lumber sweetened the air, but right there was the ambuscade...these clever wood-boring demon flyers came out in force like it was fucking pearl harbor - my guys were sitting ducks...musta been an entire regiment of these buzzing yellow black heathens zipping and diving and lord, they tore us to ribbons. Guys in their terror ran smack into each other, two were knocked out cold, another stubbed his toe real bad and still more dispersed in all directions panic stricken and leaderless...
An envoy from Pest Control sent his liaison to my office lawnchair with some of the latest intelligence our deep cover operatives had managed to smuggle out - 'carpenter bees -also known as wood-bees' read the title page...the scientific names of the rare species my outfit engaged is, " Max-pestis aggressiva/ insectus non-provokum" - lotta mumbo jumbo to me, what the fuck does that even mean? Our boys just call em cocksuckers, but, "Harrassorus stingums" are also said to be among their cadre and these are the feared elite motherfuckers, some of you civilians might call em wasps/yellowjackets/hornets - all the same to we who fight these enigmatic entities...they refuse to talk, no negotiations have ever borne fruit, all out communications go unanswered, you'd think the damned things illiterate!
My orders just came down from the Top last night. My mom said I better get rid of the damned things before her pool opens. Half my detail is wounded, awol or shell shocked but I'm fit..and I have carte blanche to do whatever it takes to correcxt this issue stat. I'm breaking out the big guns kiddies. Good ole fashioned fire never fails. Low tech, high intensity and lots of fun too...I'll pick two of my least injured and least chickenshit bros to helo me smoke a few joints then we'll make old-school homemade napalm just like in high school...I got this, I got their number. Not a goddamned egg will be left by the time this letter is posted online - if you're reading this now, be sure of one thing: every damned leg and multifaceted eye of these fuzzy flying alien fucks is at this moment no more than a heap of incinerated bug-guts smouldering on what used to be my moms wooden deck encircling her pool. We may have overdone the napalm thing a bit but burnt lumber is an apt grave for seven hundred enemy corpses and I pray thet they sent out emergency sos pheromone signals to their little bitchass friends cause now I got this dialed in.
Freinds, crazy ass psychonautical pimptas, hot chicks, and even weird lurkers...learn from this encounter, you never have to be held hostage in your own yard or porch or deck, and do not ever try to negotiate with these freaks, they act like they can't even understand the simplest terms you offer them. They're insolent and arrogant motherfuckers who'll take up residence in your summertime groove and then dive-bomb you and your old lady for no reason -they like the sport of it. But you CAN win, FIRE is the amswer, fucking motherfucking fire fixes many problems.
Sorry so long but this needed to be put out there, you don't have to loose a handful of ten year old soldiers like we did...be decisive be ruthless but above all be handy with a zippo...
God bless you and God bless naked ladies. ~Cal